Emily gently touched Lucky's shoulder. "Don't worry about that. You and Elizabeth deserved a little time to yourselves."
Lucky was silent for a moment as he paced the stark white hospital hallway. He thought back to his suicide attempt, and how Sly had gotten up on that bridge railing and talked him down. He seemed so sure that everything was going to be all right back then. Where was that faith now? Lucky knew it was pointless to speculate on what was going through Sly's mind. His own life had been such a tangle of emotions the past few years that it was hard to think back with some sort of clarity. All he knew was that just as Sly had helped him, Lucky was going to be sure he returned the favor.
Emily rubbed her back a bit as she spoke. "I think he's still really angry at me, with good reason. He's been giving me the silent treatment."
"He's not talking to you?" Lucky said, his voice rising at the end of the question.
Emily shook her head. "Nope. Hasn't said a word to me since he woke up yesterday. I keep trying to get through, though. I must have apologized a hundred times."
"Does he seem angry in his body language?" Lucky asked. He knew that Sly kept his feelings to himself most of the time, but he never knew him to just stop talking.
Emily scrunched up her face for a moment in thought. "Now that you mention it, maybe not. He just seems really exhausted and sad." She turned to open the door to Sly's room. "That's why I'm glad you're here. Maybe you can get through to him."
Emily opened the door and led Lucky in. They found Sly lying passively on the bed, staring out the window at a patch of sky. "Look, Sly, Lucky's here!" Emily said as cheerfully as she could.
Great, Sly thought. I can't face him. I can't imagine what he must think of me right now. He also knew that he wasn't going to be able to leave anytime soon, so he reluctantly turned his head back towards Lucky.
"Hey, Sly," Lucky said, trying to keep his tone light. "How are you?"
Sly opened his mouth slightly to reply to Lucky, but he caught himself. Don't talk, Sly, he reprimanded himself. You don't want to lose control.
Lucky was surprised that his cousin didn't respond. "That bad, huh?"
Emily moved back to the door. "I'm going to leave you guys alone for a while," she said. She left the room.
Lucky looked back and watched her leave. "Ok, Sly, she's gone now. You can talk to me."
Sly stared straight ahead. This is as talkative as I'm going to get, he thought.
When Sly said nothing, Lucky's inner alarm went off. Still, he tried to play it cool. He moved to Sly's bedside and sat in the gray plastic chair beside it. Maybe he wants me to start, Lucky thought. "I ran right over here when I got the message. It was pretty scary to hear Emily sobbing into the phone like that."
Sly winced when he heard that. I always make her cry.
Lucky noticed Sly's slight display of emotion. "She told me the whole story, you know."
Sly looked down. So you know I'm an abusive monster. He gently fiddled with the blood pressure monitor on one of the fingers on his good hand.
Damn it, still nothing, Lucky thought. He decided to continue on. "I know you, Sly. I've known you since you were eleven years old. We may have spent some time apart, but some things aren't ever going to change." He tried to make his cousin look at him again, but now Sly kept his eyes fixed on a corner of the room. Lucky sighed. "I know that you are blaming yourself for everything right now. I've never met anyone who's as hard on himself as you are."
But it's with good reason, Sly thought. You never tried to hit Elizabeth.
"You would get a 90 on a test and be upset about it because it wasn't good enough. You never thought you were good enough," Lucky said softly.
You're not getting any arguments from me, Sly thought as he shifted slightly on the bed, being careful not to disturb his hand.
Lucky was surprised when tears sprang to his eyes. He was too damn emotional sometimes. "I guess nobody ever told you you were good enough. Well, then, let me be the first," he said, getting choked up. "You are good enough, Sly. You're a good person."
Sly shut his eyes against Lucky's rising emotion. You're wrong, Lucky. People have told me that. I just never really believed it.
Lucky got up from the chair and moved towards the window. "Look, Sly, I'm not excusing what you did. We both know that it was wrong. But did the punishment really fit the crime?" he asked. "Come on, Sly, answer me!" Lucky looked intently at his cousin.
Sly opened his eyes, and a single tear fell down his cheek. Still, he said nothing.
"Good, you're still in there," Lucky said. He moved over to Sly again. "Sly, look at your hand. Do you really think you had to punish yourself like that? You talked to me about God. Do you think that God wanted you to do that?"
Sly thought back to a Bible verse. If your hand leads you to sin, cut it off and throw it away, he thought.
"What about the night you saved my life? You told me God loves us, and is always watching over us. Don't you believe that anymore?" Lucky said, trying desperately to reach his cousin.
Maybe, maybe I don't, Sly lobbied back. I've drifted too far for Him to care about me anymore. He turned his head away from Lucky.
"Sly, I love you too much to see you suffer like this. Don't do this to yourself," Lucky said, the tears sliding down his cheeks as well.
Sly looked back to Lucky. I wish you knew, Lucky. I wish I could let you in. Then you would know why I'm doing this. I don't know what else I can do. I just don't know. He moved his head restlessly against the pillow, wishing that Lucky would just leave.
Lucky could tell that Sly was starting to close himself off again, but he had one more thing to say. He moved closer to the bed, and eventually made eye contact with his cousin. "I think you should remember one thing. I know what it's like to believe that you've hurt the person you love the most, the one you swore you'd honor and protect always." His blue eyes, shining with conviction, locked with Sly's pained brown ones. "I know that special kind of hell."
But you didn't really do it, Sly thought. It was Helena messing with your mind.
"I know what you're thinking," Lucky said with an even tone. "You're thinking that it was a false memory planted by Helena, that I never really hurt Elizabeth."
Sly exhaled at Lucky's accurate perception of his thoughts.
"But just think about this, Sly." He leaned in closer to make sure that his cousin would really hear him. "You didn't do it either. You stopped. You never hit Emily."
Something shifted in Sly's eyes at that moment. Lucky stepped away, satisfied that perhaps he had planted the seeds of doubt in Sly's mind. "Just something to think about, cuz," Lucky said as he turned to walk out the door. He turned back to look at Sly. "I'll talk to you soon." He slipped out into the hallway, disappearing from Sly's line of sight, but not his thoughts.
*-*-*-*-*-*
Emily looked up to Lucky with hopeful eyes, but he just shook his head. "I'm sorry, Em. He wouldn't talk to me either."
She turned her head as she suddenly started to cry again.
Lucky walked over and put his arm around her. "You don't have to hide from me, you know."
Emily wiped away a tear. "You'd think I'd be used to it by now. Pregnant women cry over anything," she said, sniffling.
"Em, let's sit down." Lucky gently led her to a waiting area not too far from Sly's room. They both sat on the beige couch, Lucky's arm still around her.
"I don't know what I'm going to do, Lucky," she said, her voice intensifying with emotion. "I love him so much, but I just can't help him. I can't fix this for him, and it's killing me!"
Lucky rubbed Emily's back. "Maybe something like this is out of our hands." He sighed. "It seems to me that Sly needs professional help. Too many issues were piling up for too long, and you know him. He'd never let anyone know that anything was wrong."
"He keeps things to himself too much. Lucky, why didn't I see this coming? Things were getting tense between us for a long time, but I never thought…" She trailed off, the thought too painful to finish.
"Emily, don't beat yourself up about this. There's only so much you could have done. It's up to Sly now. He's got to make the choice to get better," Lucky said softly.
"I think you're right, Lucky. He's going to need some kind of therapy," Emily said, playing with the hem of her dress.
"There is absolutely no shame in that. I think we've both learned that lesson," Lucky said with a nod of his head.
"I'm afraid of what they might say," she admitted. "What if he's really sick, Lucky? I don't want them to take him away from me."
Lucky gave Emily a hug. "Em, all I can say is whatever happens, I know you'll get through it." He pulled back. "I was ready to kill myself last year. I thought it was the end for me, that I didn't deserve to live." He looked off into the distance for a moment, then back to Emily. "But He keeps sending me angels."
Emily was puzzled by Lucky's comment. "What?"
"God keeps sending me angels just when I need them most," he said. "He certainly sent me three that night on the bridge." He took Emily's hand. "Maybe all we can do right now is to put our faith into something larger than ourselves."
"I guess so," Emily said, touched by Lucky's faith, but still unsure.
"Emily, you are one of the strongest people I know."
"I don't feel strong," Emily said softly.
"Think back, Emily. Remember that girl who trusted me to take her on the run all over the country. The one who took on a rattlesnake and saved both of our lives."
Emily smiled at the memory of their adventures all those years ago.
"She's still inside you. Draw strength from those days. Then I know you'll be ok," Lucky said firmly.
Emily hugged Lucky again. "You're the best, Lucky," she whispered.
Lucky hugged her back. "Hey, I try."
*-*-*-*-*-*
Later that day, Emily was sitting in another doctor's office. It was painted a color just darker than sea green. Rows of bookcases lined the walls. She sat in a matching green chair in front of a large varnished desk. A silver frame on the desk displayed a picture of a blonde haired girl who looked to be about 10.
The door opened and Dr. Gail Baldwin stepped in. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long," she said apologetically.
Emily shook her head. "You didn't."
"How are you doing, Emily?" Gail asked as she took a seat behind her desk.
"Terrible, and how are you?" Emily said with more than a little irony in her voice.
Gail just smiled supportively. "Your parents have filled me in a bit about your situation."
Emily shifted in her chair, seeking a more comfortable position, which was harder these days. "Yeah, well, I'm not sure that they know everything."
Gail flipped to a page in her notebook. "Ok, here is what I do know. You and Sly were having an argument. You said something that deeply hurt Sly, and he pulled his hand back. Apparently, you both thought he was going to hit you, and that realization caused him to put his hand through the window. He regained consciousness later in the ER, but was agitated, and fought against the doctors and nurses."
Emily nodded. She had told her parents the whole truth that morning, but it was different hearing the whole tale from an impartial observer. "That's all true."
"Why do I have a feeling that this wasn't a sudden outburst?" Gail asked.
Emily pushed a piece of hair out of her eyes and sighed. "The problems we've been having have been building up for a long time now."
"What kind of problems?"
Emily laughed bitterly. "Well, we fight all the time. God, half the time I'm not sure what we fight about anymore."
"You're certainly in a stressful situation. An unexpected pregnancy is a lot to deal with."
Emily averted her eyes from Gail's for a moment. "There's more, Dr. Baldwin." Her shoulders slumped. "I feel like I should tell you, but I don't want to betray Sly's trust more than I already have." She wrapped her arms around her bulging mid-section.
"Well, think about it this way. You love Sly and want to help him. Would this information help me to help him? I promise that anything you say will be kept in the strictest confidence," Gail said gently yet firmly.
"Ok, I think that makes sense." Here goes nothing, Emily thought. She looked directly into Gail's eyes. "Sly went to live with his maternal grandfather a few years ago in Oregon. Unfortunately, he was an abusive bastard and nearly killed Sly. I don't think Sly has ever really dealt with that time," she whispered, the words coming out in a tumble.
Gail just nodded and wrote down some notes. "I checked his medical records. He had some extensive injuries. Also, there was a brief period of family therapy in 1997, but that was it."
"Sly has this tendency to deal with problems by not dealing with them. That's why I'm sure he wasn't in therapy for long." Emily's shoulder started to twitch nervously. "I think he's been depressed for a while, maybe since before I told him about the baby. Sometimes he can seem to be really happy, but you know he's still hurting underneath."
"From what you're telling me, that sounds accurate." Gail looked sympathetically at Emily. "But there's more, isn't there?"
It was all Emily could do to hold back a sob. Instead, she tried to get a hold of her emotions for a moment and took a deep breath. "It's the argument we had. That day, I had found a half empty bottle of vodka hidden in our hall closet. I just went nuts, yelling at him. I didn't take the time to notice how upset Sly already was when he came home. I found out later that he had gotten fired from his job." She bit her lower lip for a moment, then continued on. "We started arguing back and forth, and at one point he said he never wanted our baby. Some kind of crazy maternal instinct overtook me. I thought he was insulting our child or something." Finally, any headway she was making against her emotions was gone, and the tears overflowed from her eyes. "I just went for the jugular. I told him that maybe he didn't listen if someone didn't hit him, and that maybe his grandfather was right doing what he did." She shook her head. "Oh my God, I was so cruel." She looked away. "That's when he kind of flung his hand back, like maybe he was going to hit me. I think it was more of an instinct than anything, really. But then he realized what he was doing, and I saw him disintegrate before my eyes," Emily said, her voice full of self-loathing.
"And that's when he put his hand through the glass?"
Emily nodded. "Repeatedly. He was punishing himself; I know it. I think that Sly's deepest fear is becoming like his grandfather, and almost hitting me was the realization of those fears. The last thing he said to me before he passed out was 'I'm sorry.' But I'm the one who should be sorry." A loud cry emitted from her lips. "I did this to him. This is all my fault."
Gail walked around her desk and crouched in front of Emily. She took her hands. "Emily, I need you to look at me."
Emily lifted her watery eyes to Gail's.
"Yes, what you said to Sly was very hurtful to him. But you didn't make him put his hand through that window. That was his decision. You can't torture yourself over it."
"Everyone says that, but that's not what it feels like," Emily cried. Gail handed her a tissue, and she dabbed at her eyes.
"Why did you feel the need to strike out at one of Sly's weaknesses?" Gail asked, trying to help Emily make some sense of her feelings.
The question stopped Emily cold for a moment. She thought for a moment before answering. "Maybe because that's what we do in our family," she said quietly. "You find a person's weakness and you exploit it, using it like a weapon to just keep poking at them." She leaned back, stunned by the revelation. "Wow. I never thought the Quartermaines affected me that much, but I guess they did. I just never wanted to admit it."
Gail rose to her feet. "While the Quartermaines certainly have some dysfunctional behavior patterns, don't forget the love they have provided you over the years."
Emily nodded. "I know. I love my family, but…" She trailed off.
"I think it would be good if you received some counseling in all of this as well, Emily," Gail said. "This kind of stress isn't good for your unborn child."
"Right," Emily said. "But Sly is the first priority here."
Gail helped Emily out of the chair. "I think it's time I paid him a visit."
"I hope you can get through to him, Dr. Baldwin. He won't talk to anyone," Emily admitted.
"I know. The nurses told me he's been mute for the entire time he regained consciousness," Gail said, opening the door. "I think it's some sort of protective measure on his part."
Emily sighed again. "But the question is, who is he protecting?"
*-*-*-*-*-*
When Gail and Emily reached Sly's room, Jenny and Paul were pacing worriedly outside. When Jenny spotted Emily, she ran right over. "We came as soon as we could," she said, her voice choked with emotion.
"I know," Emily said, giving her a hug.
"What happened, Emily?" Paul said, concern written over all of his features.
"I'll explain everything," Emily said tiredly. "But we should let Dr. Baldwin see Sly."
Jenny's eyes clouded over with fear, but she stepped aside. "Of course."
Gail entered the room with a nod to Jenny and Paul.
"Um, let's go sit down," Emily said to the couple. "This is a long story."
*-*-*-*-*-*
The door to Sly's room opened, and he hoped it wasn't Jenny and Paul coming back. He always hated to see his aunt cry like that. He just couldn't tell them what happened, and he kept up his vow of silence.
"Hello, Sly." The soft voice of the older woman rang through the room.
He had to look twice. It was Gail Baldwin. Oh, man, now they've sent me a shrink, he thought. Why won't everyone just leave me alone?
She smiled and walked over to Sly's bedside, taking a seat. "I've heard you've been through some pretty rough times lately," she said compassionately. "I'm here to help."