remember. ceiling cat is watching you masturbate. emotionally, im pulled in one direction while the pills are pulling me in the other. Christians want me killed. i've cut recently. motioning with a tactical knife for the tingle, but it didn't leave a scar. im really good at hiding the self injury. the spiritual war has started since 94. im on my way in becoming a satanist. i have plans of picking up black majic. i had a dream that i was killing people with a ka-bar because outcasts are not allowed to speak. Julian date 045. hate, fear and anger are without bounds. i refuse to submit to a god of the universe. id rather kill myself. i've tried recently. fuck this 2-14. ** I feel like im dead. slipping in and out of consciousness between abyss and reality. Emotional shutdown. feels like walking around in a field of tall grass. where i'll never be found. im in that field right now. warm air pushing through my skull. i cannot scream. i consider those around me to be church friends. i dont like church. and yes, i will be made to believe certain things (like accepting jesus christ as my personal lord and savior). its written all over the place including those books that I have. ** how about them apples? we've seen a huge increase of school related shootings. weighing in as an individual that could be capable of such events, think its the vary nature of splashing the news item all over the world is what these people "get off on". they are on a suicide mission long before the shots were fired. to them, its completely normal and knows the world wide media state will immortalize them forever. we all shudder at columbine, the purported first school shooting. even invoking the name, credit is given to the gunman(s) for the communities' demise. They feed on the emotions of the public. They value live so worthless such that they are enticed to bring down as many people as possible. To them, they only have one life to give, themselves. But with a fistful of bullets, he/she can take the life of dozens or more. Its difficult to go into the mindset of these individuals without profiling. I dont condone, just understand. ** rough ten days. the seven am start time at work usually means I forget my morning meds. the clinic would not be to happy with that. violent dreams like a free-for-all killing spree to satify the al-poc-u-lips. for as long as people beleive in a creator god, the longer i will continue to attempt to kill myself. those dreams are phyiscal reminder that im in to kill. at this point, my life is so worthless, that i wouldn't mind jumping off a building while high on crystal meth. i wouldn't do that. yet. i beleive i have a safer mode of release: the creation of brutal-black-hardcore. for most of my life, i was told to have a personal relationship with god, or that god hates freaks and fags and you should kill yourself to do him the favor. thus the cutting and bedsheet nooses began. All throughout life, people backed away from me becuase of the eighties gothic-punk style i've embraced. i still embrace it. as i saw on one online group, entilted the devils rejects, i seem content with that. i am in a perm-in-ate relity where people kill each other and drink blood of fresh courpses. this is a normal view for me. i like being a perm-in-ate freak. better than mainstream. sure, i will need to work for a living. i can easily seperate work from personal time. at my age, it is begining to get much harder to party till 4am. theres alot of other things i can do beside party. im waiting for a long passage of time until i get my pc fixed. i have a software drum and bass machine on it. the cutting continues. ** everyone around me thinks im doing drugs simply becuase im not seeing sertian people. i caught my addiction early and now its non-issue. my emotional state is wacked as usual. i hate everyone and everything. even the walls tell me to kill myself. those walls have talked to me since grade school. the only spritual experence i had was the following. after a night of rain, the sun was peaking out of the clouds. still cold, one can see the dewdrops on the park's grass. each wet footprint leads its way to a paticular tree. the tree was talking to me. i had an out of body experence then. the warmth on my face, my eyes spriling back into my head. remained drug free. stayed in a como-touce, body splitting monment for over an hour. when i was in the school four-ywer (8th grade), it happened again. people thought i was worshiping the devel. people were chanting satanic messages to me. one student even hit me in the back of my head. i was suspended ten days for that (as well as the other student). then the threating phone calls later. i guess that's my happy place. ** so today im not as psyco as the others. somehow i get into a kill or be killed mode. missed the marlyn manson concert. :( im not much into spritual stuff much less religous stuff. i try to maintain my focus on the eight sabbots giving thought at each festable. im not ready to stop cutting (or burning, or punching, or slamming myself into walls..) on a self injury site theres some harm reduction stuff. the question to end cutting is a deep and personal one. to stop cutting is to find another coping method, and change sucks. like i said before, lots of people are going to think im doing drugs. i know that i shouldn't care, but in a twelve step world, repurtations are easliy lost by accu-zations about other people. called gosip. fuck that. ** so here i am again, i didn't shoot myself. ** so I come here to bleed on myself. this site is the only place where i feel confertable enough to post. i know i cross linked this page on a couple other places, but i have since took the links out. sure, there's cached pages, but who in their right mind will look at this pile of hmm.. anyway. i might have a job oppertunity that i've eyed for a while now. maybe if i can save two grand, that's enough to live on my own. then i'd go crazy with body modifications... the more controlled type and not of the cut my wrist type.. lol. ceiling cat is watching you. (meow?)**im not dead yet. i think i am. im taking the pills more regularly now. some things seem to go away like the violent dreams. ** today im fucking pissed. its generally the same problems out here. im not in school anymore. i want to fucking move on with my life. i feel like killing myself today. not good. ** I want to fucking punch myself in the face. I want to cut so fucking bad right about now. How about cutting my throught just for the fuck of it? ** I stayed up until 1030 at night writing about stuff. the mood changes. everything fades to black. the sounds slience. playing around with death. will i do it again ? a distant voice breaks in, dont do it now. espically when you like her. do I choose the blade over her ? will my skin bear scars. just like before? im up late night pondering whether i should kill myself or not ** i want to kill people. ** i tried to kill myself thursday. walking on the railing of a 3rd floor building. dont worry about 'keeping balance', the ledge was about three feet wide.. enough to casually walk on. i hate getting exploited.