How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of
us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2.
Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
code.
3.
Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4.
Rottweiler:
Make me.
5.
Boxer:
Who
cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6.
Lab:
Oh, me,
me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh?
Huh? Huh? Can I?
Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7.
German Shepherd:
I'll
change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I
haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one
has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9.
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11.
Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12.
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ....
13.
Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?
14.
Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
15.
Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The
Cat's Answer:
"Dogs do not change light
bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How
long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a
massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students-here is something to make you
chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing
he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden
fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes Way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!", said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!", God replied, wondering why
He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God
saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?", God asked.
"Uh, huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?", said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!", Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never
changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising
children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
1. You spend the first two years of
their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then, you spend the next sixteen
telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In
fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding
children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful
than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but
they are still getting in.
ADVICE
FOR THE DAY!
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT
SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY
FROM CHILDREN"
08/15/2002
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you
mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving
Earth.
Michael is the kind of
guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something
positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply,
"If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how
to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and
asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the
time. How do you do it?"
Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two
choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be
in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose
to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their
complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the
positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you
cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good
mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how
you live your life."
I reflected on what Michael said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to
start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made
a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious accident,
falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released
from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was,
he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind
as the accident took place.
"The first thing that went through
my mind was the well-being of my soon to be born daughter, "Michael
replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two
choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to
live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose
consciousness?" I asked.
Michael continued, "...the
paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when
they wheeled me into the ER and I saw
the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In
their eyes, I read "He's a dead man. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse
shouting questions at me," said Michael. "She asked if I was allergic
to anything. "Yes, I replied."
The doctors and nurses stopped working
as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled,
"Gravity."
Over their laughter, I told them,
"I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his
amazing attitude. I learned from him that everyday we have the choice to live
fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
"Therefore do not worry about
tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has
enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34
After all today is the
tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
You have two choices now:
1. Delete this.
2. Forward it to the people you care
about.