"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."--Jeff Foxworthy

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?""--Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

"Sanity is a madness put to good uses""--George Santayana (1863-1952)

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time"--Robin Williams, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair

"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas"--Paula Poundstone

"Halloween is a fun time. I remember when my father used to drive us around trick-or-treating. We would go to only one house, demand jewelry instead of candy and then speed away. I loved dressing up as 'Pantyhose-Face Man'"--Unknown

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."--Ernest Hemmingway

"Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents."--Billiam Coronel

"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped."--Marcel Achard

"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist."--Aaron Machado

"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."--Samuel Goldwyn

"I'm still an atheist, thank God!"--Luis Bunel

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."--Unknown

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ."--Unknown

"Funerals and Weddings have a similarity; at a funeral there's one person who's fucked and at a wedding there are two."--Ray Frausell

"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."--Jack Handey

"AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again."--Unknown

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."--Rita Rudner

"Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women."--Richard Brenner

"I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks - I'm not going that far."--Steven Wright

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."--Homer Simpson

"Express a mean opinion of yourself occasionally; it will show your friends that you know how to tell the truth."--Ed Howe

"When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since."--Steven Wright

"I drink to make other people interesting."--George Jean Nathan

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."--Henny Youngman

"According to a recent study, the average woman speaks 7,000 words a day; the average man only speaks 2,000 words a day. And with guys, it's usually the same words over and over again: 'I'm sorry. What did you say, honey?'"--Jay Leno

"It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It's not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it's all the walking around you do trying to find your car."--Jay Leno

"Some states are removing the television sets from the prisons. I think we should give them a television set, but only one television channel. And that channel should be The Preview Guide - just let them know what they're missing."--Scott Angrave

"I used to smoke marijuana, but that was when I was in college, before it was a drug."--Dan Quayle

"Somebody's boring me; I think it's me."--Dylan Thomas

"I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins."--Jack Handey

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."--Emo Philips

"Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again."--Unknown

"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."--Unknown

"It's like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!"--Merrill Markoe

"If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you can't hear the tree or the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear the applause."--Paul Tindale

"On TV, the commercial says that 8 out of 10 people suffer from hemorrhoids. Does this mean the other 2 people enjoy them?"--Unknown

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."--Erma Bombeck

"Growing up, my Mom always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our living room window. If she *really* felt bad, though, she'd have moved the bird feeder outside."--Rich Johnson

"Being married or single is a choice we all have to make. It's not a great choice ... it's sort of like when the doctor goes, 'Ointment or suppositories."--Richard Jeni

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."--Marie Corelli

"I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood."--Brooke Shields

"Everbody wants to save the earth - nobody wants to help Mom to do the dishes."--P. J. O'Rourke

"Old age ain't no place for sissies."--Bette Davis

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning."--Catherine Aird

"There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages."--Unknown

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"--Steven Wright

"I don't know why, but I've always had a problem keeping friends. That's why whenever I meet someone new, I hit them up for a loan right away."--Norm Wilcox

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"--Paul Merton

"I tell ya, a lot of people are in bad shape. A guy stopped me in the street the other day. He told me he hasn't eaten in five days. I told him, I said, 'I wish I had your will power."--Rodney Dangerfield

"Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me."--Rodney Dangerfield

"Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?"--Jay Leno

"The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front porch. She said 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said: 'Sure you can,' and shut the door."--Unknown

"Why do vampires always chase down Christians? Why not Jews, or Arabs? You know, somebody who won't be carrying a cross?"--Galager

"Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good."--Unknown

"What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. -------Men's restroom."--Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

"He was an angry man, my Uncle Swanny. He had printed on his grave stone: 'What are you lookin' at?'"--Margaret Smith

"What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex."--Unknown

"I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."--George Carlin

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."--Rich Jeni

"Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you."--Joey Adams

"Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five- year-old can do it."--Henny Youngman

"I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees."--Rodney Dangerfield

"I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires."--Rodney Dangerfield

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."--Socrates

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."--Mark Twain

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."--Mark Twain

"And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle."--Unknown

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."--Sacha Guitry

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused."--Unknown

"Statistically,100% of all divorces started with marriage."--Unknown

"There are well-dressed foolish ideas just as there are well- dressed fools."--Nicolas Chamfort

"I have a friend who's so into recycling she'll only marry a man who's been married before."--Rita Rudner

"Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?"--Rita Rudner

"I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father."--Dave George

"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't."--Abe Lincoln

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."--Steven Wright

"Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living."--Jean Kerr

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."--George Burns

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."--Unknown

"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject."--Unknown

"To fall in love you have to be in the state of mind for it to take, like a disease."--Nancy Mitford

"In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal."--Unknown

"There's no possibility of being witty without a little ill- nature."--Richard B. Sheridan

"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."--Bobby Slayton

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."--Henry Youngman

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."--Socrates

"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."--Rodney Dangerfield

"We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons."--Alfred E. Newman

"Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?"--Unknown

"I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones."--John Cage

"Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood."--Mary Hirsch

"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."--Patrick Moore

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."--George Bush

"If you think the Postal Service had a hard time with the Elvis stamp, just wait until they get around to Michael Jackson."--Joey Sweeney

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."--Jerome K. Jerome

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact."--George Eliot

" I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it."--Garrison Keillor

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."--Jules de Gaultier

"I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed."--Frank Deford

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."--Robert Benchley

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."--David Letterman

"Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care."--William Safire

"The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal."--H. L. Mencken

"A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on."--William S. Burroughs

"Of those who say nothing, few are silent."--Thomas Neill

"You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public."--Scott Adams, The Dilbert Future

"She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit."--W. Somerset Maugham

"Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself."--Jane Wagner

"Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense."--Gertrude Stein

"Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same."--George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman (1903), Maxims for Revolutionists

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away."--Robert Orben

"There are grammatical errors even in his silence."--Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."--Dave Barry

"Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier."--Blore's Razor

"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."--Bernard Berenson

"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."--Bernard Bailey

"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."--Logan Pearsall Smith, Afterthoughts (1931) "Myself"

"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you."--Bert Leston Taylor, The So-Called Human Race (1922)

"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."--Fran Lebowitz

"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."--Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."--Paul Fix

"I don't like composers who think. It gets in the way of their plagiarism."--Howard Dietz

"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."--Alfred Adler

"One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget."--Franklin P. Jones

"There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say."--Cyril Connolly

"The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think."--Horace Walpole