ALIEN GIFTS
by MENNEN BLACK
Looking for that special gift for the alien presence in your
life?
A small token for the life form that has everything, or even your
significant otherworlder? Well, Here's your chance to give something that will
be truly appreciated while also avoiding the cruch of holiday shopping! No
catalogues, no phone-in ordering, just unique goodies that only a Homo Sapians
can provide. If you really care, you'll check out this list:
DNA
An old favorite. Human DNA comes pre-strung with
almost a million years of mutation, evolution and other convenient
features built right in. Let's face it, making complex nucleotides
from scratch is a real bitch! This gift tops my list because it's a
favorite for all ages(If you're pressed for time, complete nervous
systems from large farm animals are a good second best).
BLOOD
Quick and easy. Blood contains many highly prized fluids and solids
that, when properly filtered and prepared, can keep your average small
grey clone running around for days! Greys rank our fliuds among
the very best in the galaxy, and they should know because most forms of
Greys don't even have a means of digesting or eliminating food as we know
it. If you know anyone currently working at Area 51, (S4) ask them if
they do the fluid processing for your batch. This great bunch of "nonexistant"
researchers do an excellent job, and they can save you lots of time. Tell
them OBE sent you.
REPRODUCTION
CELLS
A personal touch. When aliens do this sort of shopping themselves it
only leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This scenario can easily be
avoided with the help of your doctor. Government physicians do it all the time,
with technology available here and now! (The facility at Bethesda,
Maryland takes patients periodically but I can't fantom their qualification
requirements. They'll call you.)
TISSUE
SAMPLES
Kind of a stocking stuffer choice. While not as glamourous as
the above options, gifting tissue is an accessible way to show you really
care. Here's a few tips... Sample bone from the front of your shins where
the skin is thinnest. Use any small (2-5mm) metal scoop. (Biopsy scoops work
best because they leave a perfect hemispherical scar that doesn't bleed.) Sample
nerve and vascular tissues from the back or the side of the neck.
It's best to use a LASER for the actual incision,if you can, as this
method rarely leaves lasting scars, unlike the previous bone method, which can
mark for life. (I,personally, never recommend sampling your internal
organs or cerebral cortex by yourself. Qualified help is out there--use
it!)
DIALOGUE
Some aliens just need someone to talk to. There seems to be a myriad
of options open for us conversant types. Let's touch on a couple...MIBs
(Men in Black) - Communication with these guys is effortless because they
actually speak out loud and use your native language. (Rare in general) Some
people find these conversations a bit one-sided but any directions received or
suggestions offered are often quite clear. Men in Black are cool to be seen with
due to their dark glasses and custom-tinted sedans.
SMALL
GREYS
Not mentioned earlier, was the frequency these little guys seek out
people just to chat. Greys ask pointed questions but are good
listeners that seem genuinely interested in you. The method used, in this case,
pure thought, is a bit un-nerving at first, but most folks catch
on amazingly fast.
THE BRILLIANT
LIGHT
Self aware, very bright,and kind of a know-it-all. Be advised that,
not unlike talking with some people, it's very difficult to walk or even drive
away from THE BRILLIANT LIGHT when it decides to grace your presence.
VOICES IN THE
HEAD
Call waiting on the psychic scale. Much like voicemail, these
messages are vague and inarticulate. Interference, jamming and just plain
static are the rules here. Though you can expect crank calls and
looney toons on this circuit, almost every other call is from a being of
pure love. (you have to do the screening)
SURROGACY
Germinate alien seed! Hybrid children are becoming the new fad in
modern parenting. I'm sure you noticed a few. A definite win-win
package. They do all the messy stuff, such as fertilization delivery,
rearing the little units off-world, and you get 8-10 months of pickles, ice
cream, and regular fawning over from above. Although volunteers are new to this
endeavor, expect to be warmly conceived.)
GET
TAGGED
Be the first person in your neighborhood to wear an implant. There
are a few popular styles, all of which add needed information to the effort to
understand humanity. What a great way to feel close. Choose the small
crystaline coke bottle (7mm or less) and you can receive visual and
verbal imput. Choose ol' nosebleed, (named after nosebleeds in
conjunction with missing time episodes led to their discovery) a cute
cylindrical implant about the diameter of a mechanical pencil lead and about 5
mm long. If you want to keep your implant private, I wouldn't recommend ol'
nosebleed, due to it's habit of showing up in the X-rays of the sinuses. The
latest choice and best technical options, these days, is dental material
replacement implants. After all it's more fun keeping a
secret!
I hope that these suggestions have inspired you to greater heights.
This is the time of the year when we are all reminded of what it means to
give and receive. But, take heart, richness is a matter of quality not
quantity. Remember that the very best gifts come from inside. Happy
Holidays!
NEXT
HOMEPAGE
ANOTHER