Dilbert Newsletter 33.0
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To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: April 2001
Highlights:
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- Shakespeare Debunked
- Daily Dilbert by E-mail
- Induhvidual Debating Techniques
- True Tales of Induhviduals
- Dogbert Answers My Mail
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DNRC Update
-----------
The DNRC has a whopping 330,000 members, each one so shockingly attractive
and intelligent that he or she can be used as a defibrillator. If you see
someone whose heart has stopped, yell "clear" then press your hands on the
person's chest (do not make the "honk-honk" sound if the victim is female)
then start telling a witty joke. This method has never actually started
anyone's heart, but sometimes the bystanders get a kick out of it.
After Dogbert conquers the world you will have dominion over the so-called
In-duh-viduals. A DNRC member suggests that Induhviduals above the age of 18
be called adolts. I like that. I propose that the ones under 18 be called
juvenile duh-linquents.
Dilbert by E-mail Program
-------------------------
By popular demand, Dilbert strips can now be delivered to you by e-mail every
day (Monday - Saturday). If your evil employer is monitoring your web use,
this is the answer for you. Start every day with Dilbert in your inbox.
Follow this link to subscribe to The Daily Dilbert:
[SNIPPED cos I don't want y'all ho's messing with me :p]
Note: This link has been customized for your e-mail address. If you forward
this e-mail, the recipient will be able to change your Dilbert Newsletter
subscription.
Shakespeare Hoax
----------------
I have come to the unsettling realization that Shakespeare was an
Induhvidual. In case you haven't read any Shakespeare since you were a
gullible child, here's a little sampling of the Great Bard's work from
Macbeth:
-- start --
"That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold;
What hath quench'd them hath given me fire.
Hark! Peace!
It was the owl that shriek'd, the fatal bellman,
Which gives the stern'st good-night. He is about it:
The doors are open; and the surfeited grooms
Do mock their charge with snores: I have drugg'd their possets,
That death and nature do contend about them,
Whether they live or die."
-- end --
Now, maybe someone drugg'd my posset, but I'm fairly certain that none of
that makes any sense.
When I was a kid, if something made no sense to me, I assumed the problem was
on my end. But now that I am an adult, and I know everything there is to
know, I realize that the source of most confusion is Induhviduals - sometimes
economists, occasionally poltergeists, but mostly Induhviduals.
Maybe the word "bard" meant something different a few hundred years ago and
that's what caused the confusion - as in, "He was so full of bard you could
grow squash in his earholes."
Or maybe some Irish people attended Shakespeare's plays and said they were
BORED, but it came out sounding like BARD to the English. That could've
happened.
There's really no excuse for Shakespeare's shoddy work. If you were
Shakespeare, and you had nothing to do all day but sit around in huge pants
and write plays, don't you think you could at least make them comprehensible?
To me, that seems like the minimum requirement for a play: The audience
should have a vague idea of what the actors are saying.
I'm certain that the fans of Shakespeare will tell me I would enjoy his work
if only I took the time to understand it. But that's like saying I would
love polka music if I took the time to translate it in my head into the sound
of a band I like.
I guess I just expect more from my bards.
Induhvidual Debating Technique
------------------------------
Lately I have found myself in e-mail discussions with Induhviduals who employ
debating tactics that are very similar. I suspect they are learning these
methods in some sort of top-secret Induhvidual training facility.
The Induhvidual debating technique involves four steps:
1. Exaggerate your opponent's statement into an absurd absolute.
2. Make an inappropriate analogy.
3. Change the topic to something easier to defend.
4. Claim victory.
For example:
Me: Vegetables are good for you.
Induhvidual: That's ridiculous. If you ate a truckload of
vegetables all at once you would die.
Me: No one eats a truckload all at once.
Induhvidual: Let me give you an analogy. If you tried to swim
across the ocean, and you didn't know how to swim,
and you had no arms or legs, you'd never make it.
Surely you can agree with that.
Me: Um...that's different.
Induhvidual: Ha! So now you agree with me that swimming is good
exercise!
The worst part is that not only will you be frustrated at your inability to
make your point, you will be branded as the person who thinks swimming is bad
exercise.
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here are some more True Tales of Induhviduals as reported by brilliant and
observant DNRC members.
True Tale 1
-----------
My company posted a notice next to the time clock. It said the company
calendar had a typo, that the union-won holiday wasn't really a holiday at
all. The company blamed the printer for this mistake. (Nice try.)
But that's not the funny part. The first line of the notice said, "Please
Take Notice." So the guy standing next to me took it.
True Tale 2
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There are two doors in the restroom at work. One is the exit and the other,
on the other side of the room, is a closet. The closet door is clearly
labeled "closet."
The other day I was using the restroom and I heard an Induhvidual open a door
and exclaim, "Darn it! That's the closet again!"
True Tale 3
-----------
My boss had recently learned how to use spreadsheet software. He proudly
called me into his office to show me a new trick he'd learned. At one point
during his demonstration he was moving his mouse toward himself and it
reached the edge of his desk. I watched in amazement as he deftly rolled his
mouse around the edge of the desk and underneath.
I stifled my giggling and politely said, "You know, you don't need to do that
with the mouse." Whereupon he took offense and said, "I know. I usually grab
a book and put it next to the desk and roll the mouse onto it, but I just
can't reach my books right now."
I said, "Yeah, that's what I do," and excused myself before I broke a rib
trying not to laugh.
True Tale 4
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I attend one of the top universities in the UK. My housemate recently
surpassed his usual high standard of stupidity. He needed to open a bottle.
After hanging around looking helpless, someone handed him a wine opener (the
corkscrew type) that had a bottle opener on one end. My housemate
disappeared for five minutes and reappeared with an apologetic look on his
face. "I've broken it. I'm sorry."
Under questioning he confessed that he had been trying to screw the
corkscrew through the top of the metal bottle cap.
True Tale 5
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A VP of our company stood up at our company meeting and asked all employees
to look over the new website to make sure it was "grammerly correct."
True Tale 6
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My friend asked to be moved to a cubicle in a quieter place in the office and
her manager agreed. A couple of days later, the office manager came by her
new cube, distressed. He said that he had really messed up because he gave
her a cube that was too big for her level/title in the company. Her cube was
for a P-2 engineer while she was only a P-1. The difference in size was only
two inches, but still, something had to be done.
A few days later, the office manager returned and said that to fix the
problem, my friend would be promoted to P-2 so she would then be in the right
size cube.
True Tale 7
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Recently the Southern Hemisphere was treated to a total lunar eclipse. During
this event one Induhvidual standing in my street suggested that we photograph
it. Someone explained that the moon would be difficult to photograph because
it was completely darkened by the shadow of Earth. Her response was, "What
about if I use the flash?"
True Tale 8
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A customer returned to our wireless phone store with the phone she had
recently purchased. She complained that the phone worked fine for the first
two days and then suddenly went dead. I asked her how long she had charged
the battery. She replied, "What do you mean, charge?"
Upon further interrogation it became clear that she thought the one-year
warranty on the battery meant it would last that long.
True Tale 9
-----------
This is a True Tale that involves a sign I spotted nailed to a tree along a
dirt road somewhere in Iowa:
I lost 75 lbs.
Free Samples!
555-1212
True Tale 10
------------
I recently went into a pizza shop in Katoomba (near Sydney, Australia) that
advertised, "log fire inside." Next to the fully enclosed, glass-fronted
firebox was a sign, "Please don't touch the fire."
True Tale 11
------------
I work at a secure R&D facility in the electronics industry. One day a sign
at the guard's desk located in the front lobby said, "Guard is on rounds.
Visitors wait here!"
Being an upstanding DNRC member, I took it upon myself to add (in big, bold
letters) "...and don't steal my laptop!!!"
True Tale 12
------------
About four years ago we had a multiple choice test for one of our digital
design subjects. A friend of mine had no clue in this subject but could
clearly see the answers of the person to his left. So he copied them.
At the end of the exam we were informed that there were TWO tests,
alternating by row! He had cheated off the wrong test!
But he got a good grade anyway!! Why? Because the person he had cheated off
had cheated off the person sitting next to him!
Moral of the story: Two Induhviduals make a right.
True Tale 13
------------
The other day at the gas station, while waiting in line to pay for my gas, I
commented to another customer how expensive gasoline had become. Her reply
was, "You know, it doesn't really affect me; I always put in twenty dollars
every time I gas up."
True Tale 14
------------
I was in a meeting with a manager - one of those meetings where the sole
purpose is for her to make a speech and everyone to be impressed - and she
showed an example of how the figures would be added up. It became apparent
that she had no idea how you add or subtract negative numbers. I pointed out
that the result of her first example was wrong. What followed was a lively
debate on how you are meant to add or subtract negative numbers. The
prevailing opinion was that there wasn't just one correct way of doing it, so
all the different manufacturers of calculators went with their own
conventions. I was told that my calculator worked differently than hers. (And
how many meetings have you been to that included a concurrent test of two
calculators?)
The meeting ended with her bemoaning the fact that she wasn't getting any
"buy-in" for her idea. A few days later she received, anonymously, a picture
of Prof. Stephen Hawking, with the caption, "You must be at least this smart
to invent your own branch of math."
True Tale 15
------------
An Induhvidual in my physics class did his math with a pen. He had to use
lots of Liquid Paper to cover the mistakes. It was recommended to him that he
use a pencil. The next day I saw him covering his pencil marks with Liquid
Paper.
True Tale 16
------------
A few days ago I went to the copy place. I needed 80 copies. The guy told
me that if I made fewer than 100 copies, each copy would cost 4 cents. But if
I made at least 100 copies I would get the discounted rate of 2 cents per
copy.
I told him to make 80 copies of the front of the document and make 20 copies
of the blank back. I could use the blank paper later on for other purposes.
He probably never thought of this situation before; he gave me an angry look
but copied the documents anyway.
True Tale 17
------------
While waiting for a subway train, I overhead a woman complain about the
service: "I leave my apartment every day at the same time, and every day I'm
fifteen minutes late for work."
True Tale 18
------------
This is a direct quote from a newsletter I just received. It is the summer
vacation edition and includes this tip on a list of "Luggage-Packing Secrets
of the Pros."
"SECRET TIP #3: Double the security of luggage padlocks
with economical electrical ties. Since they must be cut
to be removed, they're tamper-evident. (Remember to pack
scissors!)"
Um...and where do you pack those scissors?
True Tale 19
------------
After pulling a ditsy temp secretary off phone duty (she put my phone number
instead of the caller's on phone messages), I assigned her to something safe:
labeling files. This task did not include the filing itself, which would
have required a thorough grasp of the alphabet; it only involved affixing
colorful self-adhesive labels to the outside edge of each file indicating the
contract number. The Induhvidual cheerfully labeled throughout the afternoon,
completing 150 files. The next day, my regular secretary asked why our files
had been sealed closed with colorful self-adhesive labels.
True Tale 20
------------
This is one I actually heard several years ago.
"We've got to separate the weed from the shaft."
Invent Your Own Folk Saying
----------------------------
Sometimes I sit around inventing clever folk sayings in case I ever need
them. Here are some of the ones I've come up with. You might have seen some
of these in Dilbert books.
I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.
He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.
I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.
He changed more times than a baby in a beer-drinking contest.
I was more nervous than a fan store owner with a comb-over.
He was tenser than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.
If you have any good ones of your own, send them to me at scottadams@aol.com.
I'll publish the best ones in the next newsletter.
Dilberito
---------
I've been reading a lot about Mad Cow disease. Scientists aren't sure what's
causing it. My theory is that the cows are mad because we keep eating them.
The obvious solution is to eat Dilberitos instead. They're vegetarian,
yummy, and have 100% of your daily values of vitamins and minerals. Check
Dilberito.com for availability.
If your college cafeteria doesn't carry them yet, see if your credits can be
transferred to someplace that does.
Why Scott Never Gets Invited To Parties
-----------------------------------------
If you have Windows Media Player, find out why I don't get invited to many
parties. Go to the Lycos VideoCenter:
http://video.lycos.com/vm.asp?vm=1545450&e=15J8mtXhojuMA&r=0
Lazy Entrepreneur
------------------
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/lazyentrepreneur/
The ideas are pouring in to my new web site feature, The Lazy Entrepreneur,
at Dilbert.com. Here are a few samples. I edited them for brevity.
Screamin' Fork!
Submitted by MattTheStampede
A fork that screams whenever you stab your food! Ha ha! Now you'll think
twice about eating that prime rib!
[Editor's note: A fork that oinks would be good for diets.]
---
Intelligent Coffee Cup
Submitted by Lambertbert
A smart coffee cup with a flexible LCD display around the outside. A small
electronics module in the handle controls the display and interfaces to your
PC to download images and programs.
Now your coffee cup can display your next appointment, the date and time,
today's Dilbert strip, time until next cup of coffee, today's menu, the
webcam at home, etc.
---
Traffic Light Progress Bar
Submitted by AndrewTaylor
I'd like to see about ten little lights down the right hand side of traffic
lights, that go out one-by-one, to let you know when the light is going to
change to green.
---
"Best If Used Before" Date for Clothes
Submitted by outoffashion
Men's clothes should have a "best if used before" date so you know when
you're out of style.
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I am too polite to answer
myself. These are all based on real e-mail. The names have been changed to
make them funnier.
Dear Mr. Adams,
My boyfriend enjoys your comics. I usually give him Dilbert books for
presents, and I was wondering if you had any books that would be an
appropriate fit for Valentine's Day?
Heather
Dear Heavybreather,
It's a bit late, but I recommend the latest Dilbert compilation, A Treasury
of Sundays. If that doesn't put your boyfriend in the mood for hot love it's
probably because you cut your hair short so you would save time getting ready
in the morning.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
It's been a while since I worked at a company that uses buzzwords and mission
statements. This one caught me off guard. I thought you might know the
meaning...
"OPERATIONALIZING THE STRATEGIES"
Dennis
Dear Densest,
The phrase OPERATIONALIZING THE STRATEGIES can be understood by breaking it
down into its components:
OPERATIONALIZING = Remove internal organs using sharp instruments
THE = Put them in a paper bag
STRATEGIES = Light on fire, put on neighbor's porch, ring doorbell
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
I have totally missed the humor of today's Dilbert comic. Please point me in
the direction of the meaning, unless you don't care, in which case just
ignore me. Or have Dogbert insult me in the next newsletter. That would be
neat too.
Gilbert
Dear Goober,
Please give me your address and I will have the answer delivered to your
house immediately. Look for it in a flaming paper bag on your porch.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
[Note: I swear this next letter is real.]
Mr. Adams:
I have looked at(read) dilbert for one month and to this day I have found
nothing(and I mean nothing) interlectual or funny about your column. Are you
trying to show us(me) how stupid we are by reading this trash? Well, you have
succeded in that endeavor---- but no more----I read the comics for
entertainment and a good outlook for the day. Dilbert only diffuses that
feeling. Thanks but no thanks,
G. Hitopoulos
Dear Hippopotamus,
I'm sorry you found nothing interlectual about the Dilbert comic strip. Mr.
Adams will try harder to succede.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a
Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace
peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting
objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite -
idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can
help. Send your suggestions to me at scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are
better.
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