Happiness through Abstinence

The disease concept

At this point, my life depends entirely on a belief that abstinence will lead to happiness. It is a leap of faith that I must take; as it is the only chance I have left to regain my life back. After working the program for some time now and bearing the pain of probably the hardest thing I will ever have to do my entire life, I have come to learn the real truth behind this simple phrase. Here, I believe abstinence most likely will lead to happiness. What they don’t say is that the path is an unidentified, convoluted, and extremely arduous lifelong passageway.

Along this route there is much work to be done, however. It is not as simple as just not using drugs. If it were, then I would have stopped along time ago or maybe never even started in the first place. Also, people would not have to fear relapse after being sober for years and there would be no need for expensive treatment centers beyond that of a detox clinic. For those afflicted with the dreadful disease of addiction, there is usually a greater problem that goes beyond that of drug use. This is what inevitably causes them to pick up for the first time, and what prevents them from stopping without facing a large amount of pain and suffering. The disease of drug addiction is merely an indication, or product, of an untreated condition. Unfortunately, the condition is different for each addict and it is in the discovery of each person’s unique problem and answers to their problem which brings about the inevitable pain and suffering.

The more I work at achieving sobriety, the more I learn about the actual causes of my use and the reality of my disease. Here, I never really chose to use drugs in the first place, drugs chose me. It was an inevitable truth. Also, the distinctive nature of my problem is probably the reason why I became instantly addicted to amphetamines and not to any of the many other drugs I have tried or even to those considered extremely addictive, like heroine or cocaine. Basically, I had to try a lot of other drugs before discovering my one drug of choice, or the one that did me in. If I were to use any other drug, I would become extremely high, get messed up, appear intoxicated, or fall into a coma; whatever was expected to by each chemical. Honestly, been there, done that, I’m through with it, as it gets boring after a while. I could take it or leave it and not become addicted. However, when I use meth, I don’t get high and there is no real way to tell if I had used or not. The difference is inside. I feel complete, as if what was missing from my life suddenly came into place and I can now be my true self and live my life anyway I want to. This also the reason why, even after being abstinent for 10 years, an addict were to use again even once, it would be like they had never stopped.

As discussed earlier, there is a unique reason, which may cause any individual drug user to fall into the perils of addiction. However, there are some common characteristics, which are shared by many of those afflicted. Also, contrary to popular belief they have nothing to do with having poor moral standards, low intelligence, homeless, or poverty, etc. In actuality, those infected with addiction are most likely the exact opposite and these negative stereotypes are the more common effects of one who is already deep into their addiction. Also, similarities between addicts of the same chemical gives way to strong connections due to the fact that they have similar personalities and may suffer from similar ailments to which they can self-medicate with a certain drug of choice.

For me, drugs have been my medicine aiding in the instant alleviation of my illness, the only way to discover the root of the problem is to stop using and face my problems head on through sobriety. This is the only chance I have at being cured; to be able to live without the necessity of daily drug use; and the only means to being happy.

A Unique Condition

As I had previously mentioned, there are certain emotional, social, and psychological problems that may cause a user to be prone to becoming an addict or not. These common characteristics between like addicts are which draw them towards one another and can create strong relationships and deep attachments between longtime addicts. Unfortunately, these relationships can easily fall apart when the effects of sobriety set in and the individual reaches a new sense of self-actualization.

As for me and my close knit group of friends, our common ailments have lead us to defining the parameters of our disease and the symptoms that go with it. We call it “Socrates Symplex”. Named after the ancient philosopher whose extreme intelligence lead to his ultimate demise. Today, he is accredited with initiating many further advancements and the evolution of mankind as a whole. Though a real genius of our time, while he was alive he was considered by most as being a dangerous and insane individual. Just like Galileo was executed for proclaiming that the earth was round, Socrates committed social suicide by teaching his ideas in public and allowing others to observe the misplaced brilliance of his superior mind.

OK so, maybe I’m not a genius, but the problem is simplified for ease of definition. It’s not just being good in school. In fact, most of us do very poorly in school and are falsely diagnosed with having ADHD. Here, because our brains are on an entirely different wavelength than everyone else, it may seem as a learning disability at first. Those with ADHD are said not to think before they act and oftentimes be impulsive. Quite the contrary, those like myself have a tendency to think too much and ignore those desires to act on emotions.

For us, there is an answer for everything and every occurrence has a definitive reason. The concept of God is usually too ambiguous for us to believe in and science is the only truth in nature. We think things through to the point where we often over analyze every situation. When we lay down at night, it may take hours for us to turn off our minds, calm down, and eventually fall asleep. Oftentimes suffering from some degree of OCD, we are control freaks that tend to ignore ones emotions because of their unpredictability and inability to be controlled. Thus, intimate relationships are very difficult and we either sleep around way too much or not at all. A good part of us are bisexual or at least struggle with defining their sexuality, as most have a difficult time defining concepts such as love.

Presently, “Socrates Symplex” is not yet listed in the DSM-IV, as of yet. The closest thing clinical psychology has is a condition called “openness to experience” otherwise known as “clinical uniqueness”. Characteristics include: artistic abilities, increased intelligence, and eagerness to try new things. Hence, drug experimentation is almost inherent. Unfortunately, most drugs like acid simply exacerbate the condition.

A phrase I have come to go by is, “if ignorance is bliss, then I am in hell”. For me, effective communication with the rest of the world is a grueling chore and sometimes an impossible task. If I want others to understand me, I first have to translate my thoughts and speak in a language so that others can understand every time I talk. Sometimes it is easy to do and impossible at others. This is why I can program in java, for example, but can’t teach my father how to use Windows. Here, because communication is the basis for living in a society, most of us feel separated from the rest of the world and tend to stick to our own “kind” more than most do.

For me, my friends are not merely those who like the same things as I do. They think same way as well. When amongst my friends I can be my full self, speak my mind, share my thoughts, and usually learn things to improve my understanding of mankind and how to deal with the exhausting demands of the rest of the world. Our discussions almost always revolve around some metaphysical matter to which there is no known answer. The physical reality doesn’t deserve a second thought and a further waste of time to even discus, like the weather or other meaningless events, for example. Basically, I find it almost impossible to tolerate reality and the most of the people in it, and I looked for drugs as an escape.

GV

12/27/02