Dear Nessi

One of my biggest regrets in life is organizing a stall at a major art fair in March. Nothing, no matter how good it ends up, will make up for the stress I've been through already. And it's still 2 months away.

We agreed to do the fair and everyone has paid a deposit. The entire fee is £2500 ($4000). I originally wanted to divide it between 10; the Fair vetted the artists and said only 6 could do it. And they chose the six. So, first I had to tell the 4 rejects, not an easy task, especially as one is a women whom even Henry Dimple describes as 'difficult.' Then the other 6 had to agree to pay £380 each. I filled in the forms, sent the deposit...and Sasha dropped out. She has some irrational fear that Henry is going to rip her off. Henry might have a lot of faults but ripping people off isn't one of them. So, I had to sit down with Sasha and spend an entire day convincing her that its too late to drop out and that Henry was not running this show, I was. It's my project; we're just using the Gallery name, as we had to have a gallery to get a stall.

Then, yesterday Henry's ex emailed me to say she was dropping out. No one can afford to do it if someone drops out. Plus it's too late. The deposit cannot be returned. And the Fair has used 3 of our artists in their promotional poster. Out of hundreds of artists in 130 galleries, they chose Sasha, Henry's ex, and Mr Newcastle to represent the Fair.

Now you can imagine what hell it must be to go out with Henry. This woman seemed reasonably sane; Power Pack and I even met up with her in Cuba. They had a rocky relationship, culminating in exactly the same thing that made me fall out with Henry 2 years ago: the death of a father. Henry has no empathy. When someone is grieving he thinks only of himself and his own needs. How we made up and became colleagues again is a long story (note: 'colleagues', not 'friends'). Like BC, it is still advantageous for me to have contact with Mr Dimple. He's been helpful about the Fair, too, getting us out of having to pay even more for an insurance scheme the Fair sprung on us last minute.

Anyway, emails went between Henry's ex and I; then, last night, she phoned me for an hour and half. As I listened to her side of the story, I had to pretend I didn't know the things she was telling me. About the PVC model and Miss Glitterlips in sexy poses on Henry's bed. As you well know, Henry has always followed around glamorous young women. Lord only knows what he's got for them; no dr*gs that's for sure. Wit, I can only guess. And astrology charts. Women love that. Anyway, as you and I well know, nothing ever happened between him and any of these young women. However, his ex, being Henry's age, albeit still thin and fashionable, felt threatened. And also felt that the glamorous young chicks were not good to represent an allegedly spiritual art movement. I guess its fair enough; how would you feel if Vimco took photos of sexy women on your bed? But its hard for me to take seriously, knowing Henry, and not ever having been in a relationship with him.

I don't want to go into too much detail...only to say that it was a good conversation. Henry's ex and I talked about all kinds of things. Art, breakdowns, medication, relationships, therapy, parents, life. One of her friends is going to help her do the Fair, so that she doesn't have to ever go near the Gallery or the fair itself. She does not want to let me down, or miss out on something merely because she has a mortal fear of Henry Dimple. I reassured her I would do all I can to make things as easy as possible for her. She is still in post breakdown after her father's death.

Getting off the phone, finally, I told Power Pack once again how happy I am in this phase of my life. Being with the right person and being reasonably strong. Maybe talking to Henry's ex reminded me of place I've been to - a long time ago. This fair is a bloody nightmare but instead of getting stressed and freaking out, I should take another approach - this is a challenge from which I will emerge stronger.

The ex really gave me a drill on the Art Movement, too, how can I be in it, etc. I just said I've been through enough Henry torment over the last 5 years. And I'm not bothered about it the moment. Let Henry do his stupid stunts (as long as he doesn't turn up at the Fair in a clown costume). It's also, though, that I'm coming to accept my failure; I'll never be more than a member of this crappy Art Movement. So instead of trying to escape to Cork Street, I'll try and do what I can to make the Art Movement better.

My views of the movement also changed in Germany. Like most of us, I only joined to get in shows. But after Germany I believe in it more than I ever did. The way that woman in the castle questioned me until, at the very end, she said she understood the movement; and then so did I. There is a sense of sincerity. And then I came to an acceptance of point 6 of the manifesto: 'its is the conceptualist's duty to be clever; it is the ____ 's duty to be wrong.' The Art Movement is not about getting into Cork Street; it's about doing what you do because you are driven to do it by something inside yourself, not by glittering prizes.

And the Art Movement has gone beyond Henry's control. It is everywhere now, and it's not as rigid as some might think. In Germany there's the basement of the castle, the gallery, workrooms and the maze; it's part of the movement but not part of Henry. If he dropped dead, the movement would go on; not as the publicity-hungry monster Henry wants, but as a genuine underground movement - more what BC had in mind.

I had to ring Henry after talking to his ex. Mainly because we had been talking about how to get the extra money if she did pull out of the fair. Nessi, I can't wait 'til this is over. I had to BEG Henry not to contact his ex. He gave some bullshit about her having some of his poetry books. I said I'd get them for him. Anything to keep them apart for the sake of the fair.

And then Henry said something that made my skin crawl...he asked me to report back to him on his ex. Just like that f*cking cokehead I knew in Ohio (now you know why I hate c*caine) making me tell him every detail of his ex's life. No, Henry's not into dr*gs, but he is a f*cking control freak. He has behaved reasonably so far, about the Fair. I just have to keep him and his ex apart. And hope that he will continue to behave reasonably. I don't care after 21 March; until then I am on eggshells.

Petra