How To Install Software - A 12 Step Program
by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"
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1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5" floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to
abide by all the terms and conditions of the following
agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the
Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret
Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of
the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and
imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home
and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until
death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early
light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a
great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,
"(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system
to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is
it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
+------+ +------+
| YES | | SURE |
+------+ +------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and
fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run
your software. If you experience any problems, electrical
shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or
intestinal parasites, you should immediately $%@*$!#$*&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through 12.
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