the unhappeeh presence of kaffee

date//one five.. one zero.. two zero zero five
title// dunno wat to think or say no more...
diary entry `_____kaffee
well... Lisa said to me that I should express my anger and stuff out on blog like I did in the past... and yeah I remember last time I had a blog someone found out and I have a feeling read everything and I was forced to take the site down.. which I was annoyed about as it was some "kaffee time" where I can express how I felt and not have anyone say anything... after I took it off I hardly blogged, I became lazy and I wrote little notes of wat happened so I could re-blog but den I stopped. Its been more den 4-5months since I blogged or wrote little notes... and now ill just have a "special blog" which I think no-one will find as.. its gonna be hidden... so I can pretty much say wats in my mind... so ill start blabbering on now...

I realised that since ages, for as long as I can remember... my high school years that is.. I've been a pretty depressed little kid... well I guess ill start from why I became this way... first of all in yr 8, I loved year 8, everyone was happy, my group consist of Lisa Lisa Cindy Cindy Katie Denise Natalie Akina Jennifer Sallie. A pretty average bunch.. we were all so close as we were all in the same class.. except for Lisa.D Denise Natalie Cindy.L... I don't know if it was just me but everything was so happy, I didn't see any arguments of any kind... the year ended, yr 9 started we were separated due to the different electives we all choose. yeah new people started to come to our school... Janice Clarise Rowena were the 3 that joined our group... Janice was friends with Danmei my god-sister.. and I remember that it was day of carnival or something similar to that.. and I remember clearly that I was walking with Janice at Homebush going to school.. and I dunno wat we were talking about that linked to wat made me upset but I remember... she asked something along the lines of who I was closest with or who I think was really nice or something like that... and I remember saying I think Akina... and I forgot wat she said but I remember she said.. I got something to tell u.. and I asked wat.? and she said something like Akina doesn't like me.. and I was like ..... wat? and she was like she told her in some class they had together and I was really shocked. Akina was like a pretty close friend to me at the time.. I liked hanging with her and stuff like that.. so I was pretty hurt that she didn't like me and I asked Janice why? and I remember she said that Akina thought that I talked too much and that I had to know everything.. I remember she gave me the example "like if someone's talking about something and den u'd stick ur head in and go wat u guys on about and fully ask until u know" I remember it so clearly... because when she told me I was really shocked I didn't know that was how I was portrayed to Akina.. I remember after Janice told me.. I went silent for a bit and when we arrived close to school I broke out in tears... and I remember walking to the hockey field where everyone was meeting.. and I think it was den that people realised and came up to me and asked if I was alright.. I remember Jenny asked me... and seeing Nancy and Jax as well.. but I remember mostly Lisa.D and Akina and Sallie or someone come over and ask if I was alright and hugged me... I remember that because Akina the reason why I was crying in the first place hugged me and was acting like if she was a really good friend of mine... I think from that moment I had this thing for being aware of everyone around me... absolutely everyone.. in my head everyone of my friends I believe were not and may say something about me behind my back to someone else... I've thought of once to confront her back den to see wat she had to say and if it was true our friendship would end right there.. but the problem with that was at that time she was well known through out the grade.. everyone loved her because she was a really happy person always laughing and being spastic... and I thought if I had an argument with her my high school life will be ruined as everyone would be on her side and all make me feel left out and treat me like an enemy.. that's why I didn't do anything... the rest of the year I was pretty unhappy but I pretended to be.. trying to pretend that everything was normal just id constantly say "I know u don't like me don't bull shiet" but as usual everyone would say "no I don't!!" *rolls eyes* and I was sure it was a lie with it came to Akina.. and I wasn't happy that she had to keep lying.. I gave her 1000 chances but she'd never say the truth... I think that didn't help with my head...

I was close with Sallie & Scott that year... we would constantly talk to each other about everything and anything... the good old days as everyone would say.. I still remember the good times we had... I really appreciated their time.. and I was extremely happy that me and Scott could still be friends as I broke his heart.. I cherished the friendship although at times we would argue.. I remember the dumb arguments where we were just telling each other to shut up and in the end we didn't even know wat the purpose of this was... *smiles* good memories of friendship... during that time yr 9 that is I liked Ken... I met him online and we use to talk constantly and he was really nice to me and obviously I started to like him... and I cant remember the details but I remember we got together and yeah talked on phone shiet like that... and den I remember one day I was talking to Sallie on the phone one on one... and I remembered we were talking about I think her and Jefferson at the time.. not exactly sure.. I just remember her telling me that she was talking to Ken and he said something to her but she doesn't know if she should tell me... as usual I wanted to know.. and she said to me that he wanted to break it off with me...something like he liked another chick and that he didn't know how to break it off with me.. and he told her he would do it the following Monday... I didn't really believe her and I kept saying "r u serious? when did he say this? u sure?" and all that kinda stuff and I was so unhappy I didn't know wat to do.. I had a sudden mental block.. I asked her what time was he gonna call.. she said she didn't know... and then I went silent for a bit and she said ill add Scott in now.. and she put me on hold... I remember sitting on my bed in the dark just thinking... and finally Scott was connected... I was silent... he was like hello.. and I was like hi.. and Sallie and I went silent.. and then I remember Scott was like what's wrong? and I just started to have tears in my eye... and he asked Sallie and Sallie told him and hearing it again I couldn't stand it I broke out in tears... I remember clearly that I literally cried and I placed my head on my pillow and was crying... like crying a lot... and I remember Sallie was crying too.. I forgot for wat reason she was crying.. I think something to do with her and Jefferson as well... Scott was really shocked that both of us were crying and I remember him saying "are u guys aright!!??" man was I heart broken.. literally heart broken... I think I still didn't wanna believe her... it was not that I didn't trust her but I didn't know what to think...I couldn't accept the fact that it was true... I don't remember wat else we were talking about and how I calmed down... but I remember the Monday had arrived.. I went to school.. I didn't say much really... but I remember I cried a bit out of no where... and people asked me what's wrong I said nufin... and then I went home after school I remember sitting watching television or something I don't remember but I was home by myself and I dreaded the phone ringing... and then it rang... I totally remember that moment I walked to the phone... I stood there looking at the phone for a sec or two and thinking maybe I shouldn't pick it up.. but I thought what if it wasn't him and it was mum or something... so I decided to pick it up I picked it up and said hello.. and luckily it was my god-bro.. Hy.. I was so relieved.. I told my god-bro off.. hahaha.. because he freaked me out... and I told him why I was freaked out and he was pisted... and after I hang up with my god-bro I didn't recall anyone calling especially Ken.. *mental block* I just forgot wat I was going to say..

So.. Yr 9 was a pretty hurtful year... I got hurt by a good friend and a guy I really liked... *ouch* the pain... and I think during this year... my grandpa *mummies side* was sick.. I recall before that he was forgetting things and only remembered the past.. the problem was that he could not eat.. I remember he had tubes where vitamins and stuff were placed into him body.. my mum told me that he could not eat but he keeps thinking his hungry as he does not eat from his mouth... but that he is actually full... I dunno how to explain... and then he suddenly got very very sick.. and all I can remember was that he was at a dangerous stage.. my mum aunty and uncle went to the hospital to be with him and he was breathing really heavily... and they were told he may pass away soon... as my family is religious they told the sifu to come and chant. I dunno if that's what u call it.. my mum told me that when they did so he didn't breathe as heavy and he went a little more calm... my mum was worried and I was worried with her.. and the not long after my mum aunty and uncle went to visit him and that day he was perfectly fine.. and he remember everyone and everything.. as if he was totally fine and my mum was so happy.. but I dunno how... I think the day after or something like that he passed away... thinking back I want to cry... and then I remember when my mum found out she cried so much.. I had never seen my mum cry this much in my whole life... I was really scared I didn't know wat to do... she was crying so much and dad was silent... my aunty cried a lot as well.. I remember watching everyone crying... I felt really upset and I was about to cry myself... I don't remember nothing between that day til the funeral... I remember the day of the funeral.. I didn't go to school that day... I went to send my grandpa away.. I remember whole family wearing black... we drove to this place and met aunty and my 3 cousin and my uncle with my other 3 cousins... everyone was wearing black and we were all silent... I remember we walked into this room where my grandpa's corpse was... it was in this box... I remember sifu asked us to walk from oldest to youngest... first it was uncle and his wife... and den mum and dad and den aunty and her husband.. and den biggest cousin Jack, Mimi, Amy, Michael, Bro, Jennifer, me and Ardy... I remember my mum and aunty crying as they walked past my grandpa... I remember me walking over... its a sight ill never forget EVER! my grandpa was just lying there in his clothes with his hat on his chest.. and he had no expression on his face.. absolute nufin.. and he was so pale so so pale... I was really scared... I remember walking around it... and I had slight tears in my eyes... I recall my old photos of me when I was small... my grandpa holding me up and laughing *tears* it was scary to see my grandpa just lying there... I dunno what else I can say... I remember we had to bow and stuff... and then we all went home... I remember walking to school a certain day and crying... I was really unhappy... so much has happened to me that year... every Sunday our family would go to the temple and chant and bow to my grandpa... at the temple there is a certain place for people to bow to their loved ones who have just passed away.. it was a sign of respect and I remember we had to do that for a long time... I think about the end of the year my other grandpa *dads side* went Vietnam with my grandma as my uncles lived there and they loved that place... during that time my grandpa could not walk properly already... I remember one day phone call rang out of nowhere... it was Vietnam.. and my dad was talking to them in Vietnamese... and I didn't understand.. and then they hang up and my dad called my other uncle in Vietnam... and I asked what was going on to my mum.. and she said to me "grandpa passed away" I was all silent again.. I was like wat? and then dad confirmed it... I don't recall my dad being fully crying but I think he was upset... I think the next day I was informed what happened... my grandpa and grandma was at my uncles place watching tv and my grandma realised his head was down she thought he was tired and took a nap and so she left him there.. and then it was dinner time and she was trying to call him to eat but he didn't wake up... my uncle came into the room and he was trying to wake him up and he said he heard a faint heart beat so he was giving him CPR and rushed him to hospital... but it was too late... he passed away... ><" another grandpa lost... why!!! my grandma was really unhappy.. my dad had to go over there as he was the oldest son.. he went with my brother.. I had school exam period so I had to stay... my dad and brother went... they stayed for a while and I remember when they came back it was with my grandma for the first while she was really upset and she cried so many times I remember someone rang to ask if she was alright I picked the phone up and I gave to her and I sat down watching television and she was on the phone and when she hang up I saw her sitting there crying... she didn't want me to see so she close the door.. I was unhappy.. I didn't know what to do... that's all I can remember... I recall seeing photos of my grandpa in Vietnam.. he looked really pale as well.. it was really scary... now I think about it... wonder how my grandma feels.. she lives with us and I wonder what she dreams of... does she dream of grandpa... does she dream of Vietnam? my baby cousin.. I think she is.. my uncle finally had a daughter about 2 years ago.. so happy for them.. I dunno but something in my head tells me that grandpa has blessed them with this kid.. as uncles wife couldn't conceive.. so I was happy for them.. and she was really cute looking.. s2 my grandpas... forever in my memories...

so much stuff has happened whilst I was in yr9.. I lack confidence all the time.. my grades seem to have went downhill since yr 9... and nothing has gone right since then... my life seems to be getting worse and worse, all of that has contributed to my depression.. I've lost many friends through out my life...in yr 5 best friends with Judy but in yr 6 was close but not that close and in yr 7-8 we were never in same classes but we would go school together and stuff which meant I didn't lose much contact... but as we hit yr 9-10 things changed I hardly ever see her and I would catch train with others and stuff... and then yr11 this year I'm absolute strangers with her.. and it makes me really unhappy as in my heart she will always be my best friend I ever had though out my life... the thing that hurts the most is I never get time to talk to her and she spends most of her time with the gal I dislike and is starting to make me feel left out.. I even told her I think me and her are quite awkward and all that and she reassured me that I shouldn't be.. but I dunno every time I see her and stuff it doesn't feel the same as it use to and it really hurt... in yr 7-8 I was good friends with Anna He & CindyL but den around yr 8 Anna left our group and Cindy and me hardly every talked and then in yr 8 Akina? LisaZ Sallie but I realised in yr 9 Akina didn't like me... and LisaZ was hardly in my classes in yr 9...and Sallie & Lisa were more close and I didn't really fit in in the mid of Yr9 I was close with Nancy & Jax.. all the way til end of yr 10... I suddenly didn't fit in... and then yr 11 I'm close with Denise LisaZ Jennifer... I think its because we all understand each other.. how we feel and stuff.. and we all stressed about the same stuff.. yr 11 and yr 12... also in yr 11 I'm pretty close friends with Greg as well... and yeah we talk about so much junk... at times Aarons involved as well.. us 3 are always talking about weirdest of things.. but in yr 11 term 3 holidays I dunno wat was wrong... I think its all this friend stuff *not thinking straight* but all I know is they let me down... they made me feel so left out and everything... and then came my birthday... I don't know what happened but all my friends I use to have just vanished... only about 6 people remembered my birthday.. even my god-bro and god-sis didn't remember... I felt really really unloved and upset... but I thought maybe they will remember later on... I went out that day... regret it so badly... first it was normal people saying happy birthday and we went to city and then we were playing and eating and then we decided to go to Luna park... I didn't really want to go.. but I knew it was part of the day.. so we went.. and Scott came as well and at first I had a little weird feeling.. I dunno wat it was.. and then suddenly everyone went to play and I was holding their stuff... me Jax Scott and Johnny just standing there watching them play and then I had realised 2:20 had passed.. I had spent the important time standing.. I was upset.. and then I was still holding their stuff whilst they played this and that... no-one even stopped playing and come back to get their stuff I had to go look for them... that bothered me at first and then later they just kept playing and left me with their stuff I was really annoyed and unhappy and Scott was just bothering... and then I got annoyed and I called them and gave them their stuff saying I'm going... and to my surprise.. they were like oh.. okay BAI... *holds in tears* at that moment I srsly srsly was hurt and I knew wat position I took in their minds... none of them even bothered to say "no don't go" they were to excited to go on the rides... I was really really upset... and I had a really pisted off face and stuff but none of them even noticed... I got pissed off and I walked away and Jax and Scott were with me.. and then I didn't leave I just wasted time there and then I decided to look for jenny but she wasn't there... and then Scott asked for a dollar or something and I gave him it and I dunno why I did what I did but I walked away from him while he was buying something.. and I found Jenny with Johnny sitting under something and I walked over and I was really upset and pist and I started to cry... and my phone was ringing it was Scott but I didn't wanna pick it up... I left it there to ring... and he kept calling and calling... and I stopped crying and then I TOTALLY REMEMBER!!! that the rest of them came down after their game.. and THEY SAW ME! and then they were going to another ride... I called Scott and he was pist and he went home... I was really upset.. because I had just dogged a friend for no reason and he was one of those who didn't leave me Nigel... man did I feel like a total slaQ friend.. I was constantly thinking he must hate me... and the shitest thing was that none of those people ever came back to see what I was doing... and it was getting dark... I walked with jenny to see wat rides and stuff and the rest of them walked past... and Nancy said "I thought u were gone"... omg I was so hurt they saw me and they still think I was gone.. and if I was gone they never even bothered msging me or calling me to see if I was alright IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY AFTER ALL!! AT LEAST MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY FOR MY BIRTHDAY... they all hurt me way worse then stabbing a knife into me... and I stayed there for ages... giving them all a chance to come and say sorry or something... but they didn't... no-one did... Greg came for a while but he didn't even seem to notice... he just went away after a while n I later when I decided I had enough I couldn't stand it I was really upset I wanted to go home... Johnny did as well and he called them and asked them to get their stuff to my surprise Greg and Nancy came and got the stuff... and I didn't say any thing and walked away.. still no apology or trying to make me stay nothing... once agn I felt truly hurt... there is no other word I can us to describe this hurtful feeling... and then Johnny Jax and me went to stn and I decided to eat with Jax at the city.. and we went to eat and the food tasted odd... the day just went f**ed for me... everything was going wrong.. everything... and then jax and me went to my bro at work and waited for ages for him to finish... and I got a new phone... and then went home but I had to be squashed as too many people in the car... the whole time I was thinking maybe when I go home those people will be home and saying sorry or something... I went home and then I went online.. people saying happy birthday and saying "hows ur day" it really bugged me... and those who were at the thing weren't even on.. which meant they were still out... that really made me angry that they were still having fun while I was fully upset... I don't know why but every time someone asked me how was my day id end up having tears in my eyes... and then I remember I couldn't stand it I started to cry and everyone was like "r u alright" and stuff and I told them no I'm crying... I wanna THANKS SAM so much... I've known u the least out of all my friends but his the nicest to me.. and kept me company when I was crying... I was waiting for those people to come online and apologise so long finally Lisa.D came online... and the first thing she did was change her display to Luna park and her my space.. I read it and she didn't say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHY" and then go this happened.. she went on about how fun Luna was how great it was and the thing that hurt the most I was never mentioned in the blog.. it was my birthday and she didn't even mention it... not one single thing not even Kathy left NUFIN... I know exactly my place in her mind now.. and then she said hi to me and was laughing and stuff... that really bothered me... she's still happy and laughing to me when I was feeling so shiet.. I was pist off it seemed  like she was trying to rub in my face how happy she was.. I was really really really upset right down to the point I cried more then 8 times... and the thing was she didn't noe y I was unhappy... I mean wtf... she pissed me off so badly I didn't wanna talk to her.. Emily came online and she said sorry I had a bad day... I appreciate the first thing she did is that but I still was upset... Greg came online Aaron was at his place... and the WHOLE night they never even tried to talk to me... totally nufin... they never said sorry to me... nufin... they made me so angry it wasn't funny... the next day still nufin... but they changed their nicks saying stuff about friends... which they didn't do at all so it bothered me more that they put it on their nick when they didn't do so! I went out that night with dad.. the next day they were all putting nick as sorry.. y not just Say it to me last 2 days now they realised they are sorry a bit late... and then Lisa Greg Aaron came to my place trying to say sorry to me but I was really pissed off.. they called told me to go down but I didn't wanna... and then they screaming sorry.. if they were sorry they should have done something on Friday...no use now.. and then they went home I'm guessing... I dunno... and since then I haven't talked to them and they never tried talking to me.. I had to talk to Lisa but it was more of the others were talking so I talk to them... and then Greg emailed saying sorry but obviously I'm not fully over it... but I don't hate them... I'm just upset and really hurt... and I dunno he hasn't really made me fully happy with him...each time I talk to him I get more annoyed with him... Aaron.. man I swear he hasn't even tried to say sorry or anything... nothing... not even trying to just say hi for no reason... he really let me down... I don't wanna be the first to talk as I should be pist but he hasn't even tried to talk... nothing man.. and so my view is he hates him.. or thinks I'm pist at him for no apparent reason so he thinks I'm being selfish or something.. I dunno all I know is I feel that when I'm on his off or away wen I'm away his on.. its bothering... I realised no-one even talks to me no more... I feel so neglected... that's y I'm depressed... and people always telling me to stop WELL ITS ALL UR FAULT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF U WHO SAID UR MY FRIEND... DON'T SEE U ACTING THE PART... I've cried so much my heart has lost all control... I cant type no more its already 1:51am ill stop.. for now...

painfully hurt kaffeee    no one seems to care about me