The Unwanted Statesman

The Only Internet Newsletter

that gets screwed by mechanics

The Shop

Well, we've already discovered that my car sucks. So it won't surprise anyone that I had to take it into "the shop." The thing was rattling like a tin can that had just been kicked down the street, and for entertainment purposes, I thought, "What the hell, I'll get it fixed." That money was burning a hole in my pocket anyway. So the tiger and I took that piece of garbage that I call my car down to the local garage.

I have said it before and I will say it again; I hate that car. Just when I start saving money and get my hopes up for the spring, the car needs repair. I have no idea what is wrong with it. Personally, I think it is out to screw me over. It's pissed that I haven't taken it to the car wash in a while and it's revenge time.

So I walk into the shop to see if anyone can look at it and tell me what I already know. A friendly man comes up to the counter, looks at me and says, "Can I help you?" I wanted to ask him for a sledgehammer and a bottle of Motrin but decided to ask, "Yeah can I get someone to look at my car?" The obvious Socratic question came back, "What's wrong with it?" What isn't wrong with it is a better question. So I start in on my hatred for the beast of machinery. First, it doesn't start all the time. Every once in a while it takes three or four times to start up, just to aggravate me. Occasionally, it will stall in busy intersections or downtown neighborhoods. Nothing is wrong with it but it likes keeping me paranoid. The rear blinker works at random times even when not turned on. The lock on the driver's side freezes in the winter so I have to enter from the passenger side or through the trunk. There is a very weird smell in the car like something died and is rotting. Good luck finding it though. The wiper blades work but not when needed. When at stop lights, it shakes with anticipation. When next to fast cars with good-looking women drivers behind the wheel, it rattles so loud that you can literally hear it for miles. It jumps, then stalls. The parking brake works when it wants to. The air conditioning is really cold and the heating is really hot. It hates hills. The muffler is ready to fall off. It loses hubcaps like my clothes dryer loses socks. It has 117 thousand miles on it. No woman in her right mind would date me after being in it. No dealer wants to buy it. Gas mileage varies depending on mood. And it hates me. Here are the keys.

For some reason, the guy was speechless after that. Maybe a cat got his tongue or I shocked him into becoming a mute. He slid a piece of paper over to me and pointed to the signature part at the bottom. It was the repair report. In the Problems section of the report, it was written in big letters, EVERYTHING!!! I signed it.

The next morning, the mechanic called me to tell me his diagnosis. We must have talked for about a half hour. Correction: He must have talked for about a half hour. I think I just said, "Yes" and "Okay." My muffler has holes in it. My exhaust system rattles. There are oil leaks. The fan belts are cracked. And the list continued until he finally said, "I just wanted to see what your concerns were." Hmm, I don't know. How about who will beat the Yankees this year? My concern is the car, you idiot!!! How much?

So after pouring $700 into a car worth $960, I feel so much better. Really, I'm so glad I stayed with this one instead of buying a new (used) car. And now my disclaimer . . .



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The Ignorant



Amuse yourself with some great games and websites right here.

The Giant Pandas at the National Zoo

The Panda House at the National Zoo opened on January 10th, 2001. If you would like more info or would like to see pictures, streaming live video, or video archives please visit the zoo's Panda Website.
Giant Pandas at Smithsonian National Zoo
If you would like to help the Giant Pandas Survive in the wild, visit . . .
Get Involved for the Pandas
If you have any additional questions about the Giant Pandas, email pandas@fonz.org

Letters!

Statesman,
Jesus Christ and no offense, but you need to get out and start dating again...I think the dating circuit would give you a second chance buddy....

I'm not offended by Jesus Christ, but thanks for thinking I might be. As for the dating part, I'M WORKING ON IT! Jeez, does everyone really care if I date or not? Not like it isn't hard enough for a guy that has a tiger following him everywhere, I have to get pressure from my readers, too. And I hope that none of you would think I would actually tell you about women I am dating in this newsletter. Not that my entrance back into the dating circuit isn't entertaining, but come on! There are plenty of other stupid things that happen to me, some of which I instigate, and they are ten times funnier than my pathetic attempts at dating. But readership has been down recently . . .

Dear Tiger, I plan on moving within a year and I have started dating guys, again. My problem is that I don't want to get too attached to anyone right now because I don't want to have to leave someone behind if I move. However, one of these guys that I've been seeing is really great and I would normally want to pursue a relationship with him. What should I do?

Stay single for as long as you can!!! No, just kidding. Your problem is a fear of commitment and lack of trust. You have probably never been in a relationship where you haven't seen or talked to the person everyday. So you think to make a relationship work, that person needs to be with you all the time. The truth is you are using the "move" as an excuse to not go out and have a good time with some great people, like what's-his-name. You might as well live in a cave, hermit! Take a chance. However, if they say you need to stay there to be with them, they are the ones with issues of trust. And you should dump their sorry butt on the curb.

Dear Statesman,
I have a bizarre fear of escalators. Everytime I'm on one I think my clothes will get sucked into one of the gears and then they will rip off or worse, suck ME into the gears.

You are a freak!

France Overrun by Frogs, What else is new?

The frogs are having some problems with frogs. It seems that an over population of North American Bullfrogs is threatening the environment in France. Sure, blame America for the problem. Stupid frogs.

The Bullfrog is a nasty pest. It eats virtually anything that gets in its way including mice, ducklings, birds, and other frogs that are beneficial to the environment. And apparently the bullfrog doesn't taste good either. Frog legs are a popular cuisine in France. However, the French brand Bullfrog legs "disgusting," probably because they are from America. The bullfrogs were introduced in France about 20 years ago as a hilarious joke about the French. They have multiplied from 6 original bullfrogs to literally thousands and pose a formidable threat to the environment. Many plant and animal species are now endangered because of the bullfrog. France is currently working on a plan to exterminate the large frogs. But Hey, giving Bullfrogs to the French, hysterical! Please, my sides are killing me from laughing so hard. I'm in tears. It is definitely funnier now, though. You just can't get better material than this.

A Moment of Silence

Guiness Ireland has halted brewing the infamous stout beer due to a strike by factory workers. And Irishmen and women everywhere burst into tears.

Guiness is a traditional stout out of Ireland that is famous around the world for looking like something you put in your car. During Lent many Irish Catholics give up the fine brew to share the pain and suffering that Jesus Christ must have gone through. Apparently, Jesus was Irish and drank lots of Guinness. Who knew? The threat of a shortage has made the Irish start hoarding Guinness and its lighter cousin Harp. But Guinness Imports, Inc. has assured customers that there will be no shortage and it hopes to work with union officials to end the strike soon. Until then, we will all have to drink Quaker State.

Check out the Week in Pictures. A new page dedicated to the news you can see.

That's all Folks . . .

I hate my car. Where's that sledgehammer?

Okay, now the scores: 1-0, 4-3, 101-78, and -8. That's the news and I am outta here . . .