The Only Internet Newsletter
that keeps coming back like a fat guy at an all you can eat buffet
Well, I figure this is the largest audience that I can reach at the moment and I'd feel really bad if I missed someone. We'll consider this the town hall meeting, reverse intervention, the van down by the river, whatever. Since I'm all about class and style, I'm going to make this as painful as possible for me. I've got a drinking problem.
I guess I've known it for a while, but recent events have solidified the facts. I guess it was the whole Iraq thing that really made me wake up and metaphorically smell the coffee. It was Starbucks. I knew because the coffee grounds were burnt. A short time ago I was in an accident. The details of which are, for the moment, classified for legal reasons. But the result of which made me realize that I need to live. Unfortunately, my dream vehicle, the truck, has a lesser fate. If it were the age of the horse and buggy, my truck would be visiting the glue factory . . . and not coming back. My drinking has led to other problems in my life as well. I'm not thirsty often enough, for one. But in reality, it occasionally leaves me in the gutter, literally. It has led me to be depressed over things that I cannot control like relationships. A true friend pointed that one out to me. I've occasionally had a drink to forget. I've occasionally drank to get wasted. And that leads to blackouts and me asking my friends if I did something stupid. I've been embarrassed by my actions. I've pissed away money, chased imaginary penguins, and gotten in trouble with the law. But more importantly, I've said things to friends that have been mean. Alienated myself from the rest of the world to the point where some of my friends do not feel comfortable around me. And I've avoided the problem.
It is difficult to admit to friends that have known me for a while. It is difficult to hear or read the responses. And it is difficult to open pickle jars . . . unless you have a power saw. I've got two. I saw a counselor to make sure I wasn't over reacting. He confirmed that I could have a serious problem if I continue down the road I'm traveling. So I'm changing my ways now. I only travel down bike paths now. It is my choice to go to meetings or to seek more counseling. And I don't see myself doing either one. I'm strong enough to do this by myself. Not Superman strong but Christopher Reeve strong. Which means I'll probably need some help and support and lots of electric shock therapy from friends. Okay, maybe we can skip the electric shock therapy. So I guess to start off, I should seek forgiveness. If I have ever offended any of my friends or you, yeah, YOU (the one reading this at home with an open jar of Vaseline and the Catcher and the Rye dog-eared to page 48 on the desk), then I truly apologize. I am sorry. And what's up with the Vaseline, you freak?! Ok, that wasn't really sincere, but if I did offend you or embarrass you or hurt your feelings, please accept my apologies and get in contact with me. And I'm pretty sure at some point in time I may have done something malevolent, so please contact me.
So I guess that is it. I realize there is some serious stuff in this intro, but I hope the humor came through, too. I hope to hear from you soon. And one thing is certain. I won't be drinking . . . soymilk (it is nasty and causes lots of problems). And now my disclaimer . . .
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Yeah, no news stories here this time. I here the Washington Post and New York Times sometimes do news pieces. Oh and I'm well aware of the seriousness of my condition . . . with soymilk. I will be taking control of the situation.
Okay, now the scores: 36-32, 44-10, 60-4, and 1. That's the news and I am outta here . . .
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