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Colonel Jack R. Fox
Commandant
New Mexico Military Institute
101 W. College Blvd.
Roswell, NM 88201-5173
Dear Commander Crichton,
It is with great pleasure that I inform you how well your daughter Xhalax has acclimated to her new surroundings. We are aware of your previous difficulties in finding a proper scholastic environment for her and wish that you had thought of us sooner. We are glad that Xhalax found her way to the New Mexico Military Institute, as it has been a benefit to all concerned.
Since our school's founding in 1891, we have never had the privilege and honor to receive a student as well suited to military life as young Xhalax. It's as though she were born to be a soldier in much the same way as Elvis was born to sing. I am almost embarrassed to admit that I was amongst those who initially were opposed to the school becoming coed, but ever since Xhalax transferred from the Montessori School, I am constantly gratified to have been proven wrong. This brings up a question that I hope you might see your way clear to answer. I know that privacy is foremost regarding your family, and I am certainly the last to look a gift cannon in the muzzle, but with all of the fine military academies on the East Coast, why did you think that Xhalax would fit in better at a school in Roswell? No matter. West Point's loss is our gain. Speaking of East Coast schools, I was recently
contacted by the Head of School at West Side Montessori, Marlene Barron, regarding certain incidents in Xhalax's past that she thought might raise cause for concern. One occurrence in particular does stand out in my mind. I must admit, the mental image of Xhalax pummeling little David Kemper jr. within an inch of his life for being out of uniform certainly brings a tear to my eye, but I digress..
To apprise you of some of her current activities and achievements:
First of all, Xhalax has been named "Homecoming Commandant" for the Thanksgiving break. We hope to see yourself and Mrs. Crichton at the campus to watch Xhalax lead her fellow cadets to victory in this year's football game. We have recently renamed the team the "Roswell Peacekeepers" at Xhalax's request.
At careers day, Xhalax was approached by both the CIA and the NSA. It appears that her uncanny ability to understand languages instantaneously has not only raised a few eyebrows, but attracted their attention as well. Short of recruiting her after graduation, both organizations are hoping to use the backwards sounding language that she invented as an unbreakable code. Apparently, the only words they were able to decipher were "Frell me dead," "Pile of dren," and "Kick you up the mivonks," and only because of contextual usage. As of yet, no one, including the best minds in the intelligence community have been able to figure out what a 'drannit' is. Any light you might shed would be appreciated.
I am also pleased to report that Xhalax will be teaching a course in deadly hand to hand combat, which makes her the youngest cadet in military history ever to be asked to do so.., which reminds me, our current instructor and principal of the NMMI High School, LTC Don Beard sends his regards. As you recall, he was the first to receive a "flying lesson" by Xhalax's unorthodox style of self defense, which she calls "Aerynnautics," in honor of her mother. Don says he'll be up and around in no time, and not to worry, he has no hard feelings. In fact, he hasn't been feeling much of anything below the neck until recently. Perhaps this might be a good time to mention that we would be honored if Mrs. Crichton would be willing to teach a master class in hand to hand combat. (I would imagine that her home country's military was sad indeed to lose her, but such is life, and France's loss is our gain as well.)
Finally, during spring break, Zhalax and a few of her fellow cadets, while vacationing in Florida, led a successful commando raid on the Governor's mansion, capturing the Governor and key members of his staff. After declaring martial law, and herself the state's military commander, her first action in office was to annex the great state of Florida to our school, which we now refer to as the "Spring Breakaway Colonies." Far be it from me to insinuate myself into your personal life, but I and the staff of the ROTC were wondering if for next year's spring break, if you might encourage Xhalax to vacation in Panama, or perhaps Iraq. We would be happy to contribute expenses and any miscellaneous "staples" that she and her fellow cadets might require for the trip. Just a thought.
In closing, allow me to thank you once again for your decision to send Xhalax to us. Here at the New Mexico Military Institute, we think of her as nothing less than a gift from the great Commander In Chief in the sky.
Bombs Away,
Colonel Jack R. Fox,
Commandant, NMMI
