Ozzy Osbourne interview by Conan O'Brien, on _Late Night with Conan
O'Brien_. 22 Dec 1997
[From microcassette. An interview of a guy named Ozzy by a guy named
Conan. I lost the very end of the interview.]
[Both O'Brien and Osbourne tend to talk rapidly. Osbourne mumbles
at times. Braces {} enclose unclear speech. For people like me who
don't know much about Osbourne, he has a British accent. He had been sick
and is wry and low energy here. Toward the start, he was slow to decide it
was his turn to say something.]
--- --- ---
[Return from commercial. Band is playing, AUDIENCE is cheering.]
CONAN
All right, everybody, we are back! Ladies an' gentlemen, my first guest,
is a rock 'n' roll legend. As a founding member of Black Sabbath, he's
a *Grammy* award winner and he has sold, get this, over thirty five
*million* records. His *latest* CD is entitled, "The Oz Man Cometh." Let
the madness begin. It's Ozzy Osbourne.
[AUDIENCE cheers and "woos" loud and long. The band plays some calm,
classy big band song.]
OZZY
[seated] Guess they know me, huh.
CONAN
Yeah. This, this happens for most our guests, yeah. They go crazy--yeah
--when we had Leo Sayer on the, show--they jjust went crazy. How *are* ya?
OZZY
I'm all right. I just flew in from L.A. you know.
CONAN
Yeah. You missed--you were supposed to be on--just to clarify--we
announced you were gonna come on, last Wednesday, but--
OZZY
Yeah but what happen--
CONAN
--you, you didn't come on--
OZZY
What happened was I had this thing called Gastro-enteritis which is a
*wonderful* thing to have {in your stomach, yeah.} Now, would, would
you believe, we're ready to go home, my son has it.
CONAN
Oh, really. What are the side effects of this uhhh, this, this disease.
OZZY
[amused] Well, it's a very smelly disease, ha ha ha ha! But you don't--
CONAN
So should I go--should I ask *more?*
OZZY
You don't--you don't wanna go on a *diet* when you got this problem,
really, 'cause you won't last very long, then.
CONAN
Really. Well, you're feeling well now.
OZZY
Yeah, all {well. I'm great.} [AUDIENCE is laughing]
[amused] Um, yeah, I'm feeling, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling real good.
[AUDIENCE is clapping, some cheering. Not sure what OZZY does here.]
CONAN
[for shame] Oh *Ozzy!*
OZZY
I thought I'd blow you a kiss.
CONAN
In all the, the five *years* that I've been doing this show, I never
thought I'd say, "Oh, Ozzy.." Ahh, there's so much to talk about, so much,
in your past that, that I want to get straight. First of all you're,
you're famous--in addition to the music--for your stage antics.
OZZY
Oh, yeah.
CONAN
Your wild stage antics. And I found out, recently, that, many of them,
many of these crazy stage antics were your wife's idea. Is that right?
OZZY
They were, they're, *most* of these crazy stage an, stage antics are
my wife's idea.
CONAN
Like what kinds of ideas does she have?
[amused at OZZY just looking at him blankly] Are you just gonna repeat
everything I say today?
OZZY
Well, well..
CONAN
That's your Coping Mechanism, isn't it, Ozzy.
OZZY
Yeah.
CONAN
"Yes, that *is* my coping mechanism."
OZZY
I feel like I'm at my therapist right now.
CONAN
I can help you, Ozzy. We're here to help.
OZZY
Help me.
CONAN
[laughs] All right, so uh--
OZZY
Well--well, for instance, why, one time, wha.. in the, in the early
eighties when it was all this Gothic thing, you know, this old gothic
stage.. uh, uh sets an' what{not}.. She um.
CONAN
Did you just discover your hand? What is this.
OZZY
{Yeah well actually, I, I checkin' a few down. Ha ha ha..}
CONAN
[laughs] You were talking an' you were like, "Oh, *look*."
Ummm, so what, what--what--so they had this whole gothic thing an', an'
what happened.
OZZY
Um, I was lookin' at my {little} finger, actually. It was a bit. So, like,
my wife comes up with this idea, she said, "Ozzy, I got this great idea.
You coming out in this big giant hand." I said, "What d'you mean?" She,
{"We'll push it} up--at the end o' the show, we'll push this big giant
hand--just like that--an' you sit in the middle of the hand, an', an' the
thing is, it got all {pile frames} in there," right?
CONAN
Hm-mmm.
OZZY
An' there's this big, sss--mm--uh, a sling, a sling shot in the back of
it, to hit me in the back with five or ten pounds of *offal* in the back.
An' I said "offal--
CONAN
*Offal?* I mean, what ya, meat!
OZZY
Lots o'meat, testicles.. an', an' an'--
[AUDIENCE is laughing.]
OZZY
--penises an'--
CONAN
What? You, like, *animal* testicles.
OZZY
Well, not *human* testicles.. [high voice shout-sing]
CONAN
[laughing] Yeah, you wouldn't do that, because that would be Absurd. Yeah.
OZZY
We {don't say that, we don't sail around that to be ha ha.}
CONAN
[laughs] So, so, you, you have, let me, let me, you got this mechanical
hand, you're in the middle of it--
OZZY
I'm in the middle of it. At the back of it is this sling with all these,
these balls an' an' everything else.
CONAN
[amused] *Okay.* Okay.
OZZY
You know, all these g--ooze an' what.
CONAN
Sure, yeah, yeah.
OZZY
Now, she says, when the {pyro} fingers explode, you gotta press this
button, an' all this offal will fly into the audi, an' I thought, "Great,
honey."
CONAN
You were gonna throw these testicles at the *audience*?
OZZY
Yeah, well, we were going down badly, you know? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
CONAN
[amused] Okay, so what happened.
OZZY
So what happened is that, the--all right--unbeknownst to me, this--this
rubber band has been taut from two o'clock in the afternoon, 'til about
eleven o'clock in the evening, so I--I come for my big finale, an' I go
{out} an' I {sort of} push this thing an' it goes.. uhhhh.. *slap*..
[CONAN is cracking up. Ozzy'd illustrated how the hand just weakly landed
on him.]
OZZY
Now I'm standin', now I'm standin' there like the Prince of Darkness with
all this {??}, an' all this blood an' snot an' crap.. An' I just went,
"Good night, {folks}."
[AUDIENCE claps and whoops.]
CONAN
Ohhh. Gotta hate when you see that. [AUDIENCE cheering]
{What are we, I?} You know, I--I--we got--let's take a commercial break
just because I got so much to ask, that I--I want more time. Uh, ladies an'
gentlemen, we'll be right back, more with Ozzy Osbourne in just a second.
[AUDIENCE cheers as band takes show to commercial with a metal tune.]
[time: 4:41; Commercial Break]
[Return from Commercial, band playing, AUDIENCE cheering.]
CONAN
We're back! Sitting here with Ozzy Osbourne. Ah, you have um, you really
started this whole business of--of being a big enemy of the, religious
right, didn't you.
OZZY
Oh, yeah, I've been, I gave them a reason to, be--*be*, you know, an' they
keep followin' me around everywhere. Especially in a--mainly, mainly in
America, though--no where else in the world.
CONAN
You'd come to America on a tour and, they would seek you out, they would
wanna--
OZZY
Well, they'd wanna, they'd uhuhuh, they'd follow me on my bus, they'd
{pwhat,} they'd hang out at my hotel room. But *most* of them didn't even
know what I *looked* like, you know.
CONAN
Mm-mm. You *must* o' had a--oh, you had a *confrontation* with some
once. Right?
OZZY
[partly over CONAN] {Uh, some, a--}a really weird story, um. I was doin'
a, a show down in *Texas*, {in vinnystor--an' findin'} this guy that was
tryin' to ban the show, you know. So I got there about six in the morning
an' uh, I {had got a bad, a bad throat because I'd} been on a, a bit of a
*bender* for the last week or two an' I didn't wanna--
CONAN
[for shame] *Oh!*
OZZY
That was when I used to do that, but I don't do that any more.
CONAN
Right, right.
[I guess OZZY gives him a blank look.]
CONAN
[laughs] Uh-huh.
OZZY
That's really water.
CONAN
Mm-mm.
OZZY
An' uhm, I {forgot to mention,} I used to have this bodyguard, that was
an ex-Vietnam vet--Vietnam vet an' was *crazy*. {Any--an' he was
tellin'--}
CONAN
You {had as} your bodyguard a crazy Vietnam vet?
OZZY
{Look, it just goes like..} I didn't *know* at the time. Most of the time
that I *had* a bodyguard, I was, I was--{they were}--if they didn't *kill*
anybody every three weeks, they didn't think they were doin' their job an'
I'd end up goin', "No Violence," you know--
CONAN
--Hm-mm--
OZZY
--An' I'd go, "Sit, boy."
CONAN
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
OZZY
An', so we get into this hotel, an' uh.. I, I said to this guy, this guy,
Larry. I said, "Larry. Go an' get me a doctor. I want a doctor for around
twelve o'clock." You know?
CONAN
A doctor.
OZZY
A throat doctor, see. An' I got--I got off about--I went to bed about
six/seven an' I got up about eleven an' I went downstairs for the, to the
coffee shop. An' I said to this.. Larry, "Larry, go an'--go an' tell the
guy at the reception, that when the Ear, Nose, an' Throat guy comes, I'll
be in the coffee shop." Now, unbeknowing to me, that *coffee* shop has
been staked out with all these Evangelists! So this, I'm sit, I'm sittin'
in the coffee shop drinking coffee, me an' this crazy Vietnam vet--
CONAN
I like the idea of *you* walking into a Texas coffee shop. [chuckles]
OZZY
{Hey--exactly} That--that--that was a movie *there*, somewhere.
[CONAN's laughing.]
OZZY
[imitating Texan man] "You come here, boy?"
[AUDIENCE laughs.]
CONAN
And so, you're havin' your coffee.
OZZY
I'm sittin' 'ere 'avin' my coffee an' this guy goes,
[imitating watchful guard] keeping eye like a good terrier, you know. An'
this guy comes over, {or somethin' like that, an' he's in a} very smart
suit an' his jacket on, an' {sharp} tie on an' whatever. An' he goes, "Are
you Mr. Ozzy Osbourne?"
CONAN
I'm thinkin' he's the doctor, an' I go, "Oh, yeah."
OZZY
An' he goes "*Put* *JESUS* {*in* *FRONT* *o'* *ya!*"} an' they all start
*jumpin'* on me--it's 'cause {he's their--} [AUDIENCE laughing] an' *I*
was thinkin', "My *god*, what's goin' on? {He's come to just--}" *All*
these, *all* these people that were strategically, on {their, plan of}--
*attacking* me, on {either side, turns into a Rambo}--starts *flyin'*
through, over the *walls* {that I'm tryin' to ? An' I think} I'm goin',
"*Larry!* *Don't*--*Don't* *KILL!* We don't *kill* today!"
CONAN
[laughing] "We don't kill *today*." That's the impor.. Maybe *tomorrow* we
kill, but not today. Now. It's hard for me to *believe*, but, a couple
years ago, you *retired*. Why did you retire?
OZZY
Well.. I'm one o' these people that--that that--that always says things
that I'll later regret. You know, an' those people? An' people--now it's
like people say to me, "{Now,} is it really going to be a re-formation of
the original Black Sabbath," an' I go, "Let's wait an' see," 'cause I, if
I go, "Yeah," it won't happen, if I go, "No," it will happen.
CONAN
Right.
OZZY
So, my wife says to me, {in the meetin' of}--over the one show, "What do
you want to do {if your choice is} retire. So, I thought, "Great. I'm
still, I got breath in my lungs, I can still see, I don't need a, walk--
walking stick yet, and I don't need.. I haven't got--what--a colostomy bag
quite yet.
[AUDIENCE starts laugh.]
CONAN
[calm] You could have stopped at the other examples, Ozzy.
[AUDIENCE is laughing.]
OZZY
[during laughter] Well, you know, I--I like to get *graphic*--
CONAN
{I think}--*fine* with the other examples.
OZZY
I like to get very *graphic* with everything--
CONAN
*Yeah.* I--we heard that. Yeah. [laughs] And so uh, and so, what did you
do in your spare--did you go fishin'?
OZZY
Well, I went fish--I went--that lasted--so I bought all the tackle, went
fishin', uh--
CONAN
How do you fish? What are you like when you go fishing?
OZZY
I'm bli--if I don't catch a fish in the first few minutes, dynamite goes
in there.
[AUDIENCE laughs.]
CONAN
[amused] *Dynamite* goes in the water--
OZZY
I, I'm *guaranteed* to catch a fish.
CONAN
[chuckling] Yes, you're gonna get, fish *pieces*, yeah. You throw dynamite
in the *water*?
OZZY
Yeah, {but no--no}--it floats. An' it all comes to the surface--{you know
I'm not gonna sit} there like a, idiot for all day, {goin' fishin'}.
CONAN
[laughs] I'd like to see your episode of "Good Fisherman." Yeah.
OZZY
An' I've got *loads* of good, *trophies* on the wall. They've all got
*holes* in them!
CONAN
[laughs] You're also, uh--I wanted ask you uhhh--somethin' you're, you're
a Victorian Art collector.
OZZY
Yeah! Uh, I collect Victorian Art. {Surely}--
CONAN
--Why.--
OZZY
Be--be--the reason why--I collect, uh Victorian Women: is they look like
*Women*. Now, in this day in--I don't know, whether I'm old-fashioned or
what, but women, uh, the, models today look like they need a good
*sandwich*, you know.
[AUDIENCE laughs and "woo"s.]
CONAN
[chuckles] They do! Most of them.
OZZY
No! But I--I don't know {how to handle the audience.} Don't all applaud
that. The poor thing. She won't *eat*, you know. She--'cause--she's just
like that--she's like a {lathe}--an' I'm goin', I'm {not--gonna try an'--
I'm gonna try to} sneak *potato* chips when she's *asleep,* you know.
[CONAN and AUDIENCE laughs.]
CONAN
If I woke up in the middle of the night, and Ozzy Osbourne was tryin' to
put a *chip* in my mouth,--
OZZY
Well, I've got one in my *head,* you know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
CONAN
[chuckles] I wanted to finally ask you, uhhhh, 'cause we're--we're runnin'
tight on time, but um. Did you go an' see the movie, _Spinal_Tap_?
OZZY
Well, yeah--
CONAN
An' what did you think of it--
OZZY
[dismayed] Well, uh--uh, {it was} a funny thing about _Spinal_Tap_, when
I went to see it, I was the *only* person in the audience that wasn't
*laughing,* because it *really* was like a documentary to me because--
[AUDIENCE erupts in laughter.]
OZZY
--cause those things *actually* *happened.* Uh, I mean. {The audience
is going, "Oh ha ha! That number six thinks he's number eleven!"} That
*happened.*
[Everyone laughs but dismayed Ozzy.]
OZZY
They go "Oh, ha ha ha!" That happened. That--when they got lost goin' to
the stage, that happened.
CONAN
*No!*
[seeing OZZY's serious] You got lost goin' to the stage?
OZZY
*Oh!* I mean, I--I--I--oh--oh--I'm the practical joker. When you go into
these, these big shows, 's got, like, "So an' so, so an' so" {yous}
hung up, they've got, gaffer tape--
CONAN
All right--
OZZY
--arrows, an' I--I'm always--
CONAN
--to show you which way to go--
OZZY
I'm always turnin' the *arrows* around, you know, go here.
[Everyone laughs.]
[time: 5:15; total: 9:56]
----- --- ----
[That's all I have. I think the interview ended shortly after.]
Transcript by Suzanne Morine
(
geocities.com/tvtranscripts)