Uncle Yohji's Book of Love: Schruldig's Book of 'Love'


PART FOUR: KEN - "OHMYGODILIVEWITHABUNCHOFPERVERTSANDMANIACS!"

By: durendal and The Beef Chick




[Therapist's office. Ken is sitting on the couch, looking
uncomfortable.]

Ken: I still can't believe it. Everytime I close my eyes, I see Omi
and that kid... It's like a picture from a child porn magazine. And
I've been in Yohji's room, I know what child porn looks like.

Therapist: Speaking of porn -- I mean, Yohji... I've been hearing
some
interesting stories about what happened the other day.

Ken: Is this about the meat cleaver? 'Cause I swear, it was an
accident!

Therapist: Er, no. About the plant, Ned, and Yohji-san
being 'molested.'

Ken: /cries/

Therapist: Why are you crying?

Ken: Because it's so horrible! It was one of the worst days of my
life! First I come downstairs and Yohji's telling Aya something that
makes him never want to sleep with me again and then the plant falls
over and Omi brings that boy over and the molesting and the screaming
and then Schwarz and oh God--

Therapist: Calm down! Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Ken: /hyperventilates/

Therapist: Why don't you start from the beginning?



*** The Other Day ***

[Ken walks downstairs to the flower shop. The entire room is filled
with smoke. Yohji is drapped over Aya, who looks as if he's going to
be sick.]

Ken: Hey, Aya!

Aya: /glares at Ken/ No sex. Ever.

Ken: What? Yohji!

Yohji: Mwhahahahahaha! /cough/ /choke/

Omi: /enters with Nagi/ Hi! This is my new boyfriend, Ned.

Nagi: Yo. /glares at Ken/

Ken: Eeep.



*** Present ***

Ken: I heard something about Ned looking familiar, but I was
hypnotized by his Evil Eye. He wouldn't stop glaring at me! It was
creepy! It was... Aya-ish.

Therapist: /mutters/ That's an insult to Ned.

Ken: Nani?

Therapist: Nothing. Please continue.



*** The Other Day ***

Ken: Aren't you kind of young?

Nagi: I may be two years younger, but, well, you know how love is.

[Nagi grabs Omi and they proceed to make out. Aya and Yohji don't
seem to notice.]

Ken: Wah! /nosebleed/

Aya: /grumbles about Nagi looking like someone he's seen before/

[Yohji whips a bazooka out of the back pocket of his jeans and shoots
several plants. The sprinklers cut on to put out the fires.]

Yohji: /grins and puts bazooka away/ I didn't do it.



*** Present ***

Therapist: Now, Ken-kun, don't you think you're exaggerating a little
bit?

Ken: Ex-agger-ating?

Therapist: /sighs/ Telling a story.

Ken: No, it's the truth!

Therapist: Those would have to be awfully large pants.

Ken: Now you think I'm stupid! Everyone thinks I'm stupid. Even Aya
thinks I'm stupid.


KEN'S STUPIDITY:


Case #1

The orange sweatshirt. 'Nuff said.


Case #2

Ken: Aya, where were you last night? I noticed Yohji was strangely
absent as well.

Aya: /hold something up/ Look, Ken, aluminum. See? Shiny.

Ken: That's not going to -- Oooh, shiny...


Case #3

Ken: Aya, we have to talk.

Aya: Ken, ball! /throws ball across the street/

Ken: Cool! /runs off/

Aya: Baka.



*** Present ***

Therapist: That's pretty sad.

Ken: Shut up! It's not my fault I'm attracted to shiny objects!

Therapist: Sure. /writes, Ken - idiot./



*** The Other Day ***

Yohji: I didn't do it. /strikes a sexy pose/ Baby.

Aya: So you're saying the plant just lifted itself off the ground and
fell?

Yohji: Yup.

Ken: Oh man, that's lame.

Aya: /gives Yohji Shi-NE glare/



*** Present ***

Therapist: Shi-NE glare?

Ken: Yeah, you know, that glare he gives when he's trying to tell you
he wants you to drop dead on the spot. /imitates glare/ Grr, I'm
Fujimiya Aya, I shall glare at you. Grr. Feel my wrath.

Therapist: That's disgustingly cute.

Ken: It's not suppose to be cute! It's suppose to be intimidating!

Therapist: How about we get back to the story.

Ken: Dammit!



*** The Other Day ***

Yohji: I'll leave now. But I'll be back. I hope you sleep with one
eye open. Mwhahahaha! /cough/



*** Present ***

Therapist: He didn't really say that.

Ken: Okay, maybe not. But he was thinking it!



*** The Other Day ***

[Yohji leaves, as does Omi and Nagi. Ken notices Nagi's hand on Omi's
butt.]

Ken: /turns green/ Ewww.

Aya: No sex tomorrow either.

Ken: Dammit!

Aya and Ken: /watch as Yohji stumbles down the street/

Aya: Do you know how easy it would be to just push him down the
stairs?

Ken: Yeah, maybe he'll have an "accident." He, he.

Aya: But who will touch him?

Aya and Ken: /shudder/

Aya: Hey, look, he's attempting to run across the street.

Aya and Ken: /burst out laughing/

Ken: I've got the stopwatch.

Aya: Yatta. /watches Yohji/ That's pitiful.

Ken: And yet, so entertaining.



*** Present ***

Ken: Yohji crossed the street very slowly, sorta like slow-motion in
movies. I don't like slow-motion. I like fast movies. Like once I saw
this movie where--

Therapist: On topic, please.

Ken: Oh, yeah.

Therapist: /writes, Ken - recommend ADD medication/



*** The Other Day ***

[As Yohji makes it halfway to the shop, a black car comes out of
nowhere and slams into him. His body flies through the air and lands
roughly on the road.]

Aya and Ken: Yohji!

[The windows lower to reveal Brad and Schruldig, both with sadistic
grins on their faces.]

Brad: Eat this, Weiß bastards! /bites the head off of Tot's
stuffed
bunny and tosses both body and head at Aya's and Ken's feet/

Aya: Kisama!

[Clouds suddently appear in the sky, and rain begins pouring down.
Brad and Schu drive off; Aya and Ken rush to Yohji's mangled body.
Ken cradles Yohji to his chest and raises his face to the heavens.]

Ken: Whhyyy?!?



*** Present ***

Ken: Oh wait, that was a dream. Gomen!

Therapist: /buries face in hands/

Ken: I remember what happened now. Yohji finally made it across the
street, and then...



*** The Other Day ***

Yohji: ... Ned's... parents are...

[Brad Crawford crashes through the window.]

Brad: Give me all your flowers, Weiß bastards!

Aya: Over my dead body!

[Aya and Brad leap at each other and begin to fight.]

Ken: Go, Aya-kun!

Brad: /punches Aya hard in the face/

Aya: /sways, looking ready to pass out/

Ken: That's not good.

Brad: /Smashes a vase over Aya's head. As the redhead falls, he turns
to Ken and holds up the flowers./ I would like to purchase these.

Ken: Oro?



*** Present ***

Therapist: Things would go much more smoothly if you would just tell
me the truth. Why you people have such a hard time with the concept
is beyond me. God, you're worse than Aya!

Ken: /narrows eyes suspiciously/ What did Aya tell you? Did he tell
you about the meat cleaver?

Therapist: No!

Ken: Okay, so *maybe* I examerated--

Therapist: Exaggerated.

Ken: Yeah, that. But Brad really did buy the flowers. I convinced Aya
to make the arrangement...



*** The Other Day ***


Ken: Yes, Aya, why don't you tell him?

Aya: /gulps/ I'll be right back.

Yohji: ...No... stop... Ned's...

Brad: Who the hell is Ned?

Ken: Omi's new boyfriend.

Brad: Too bad I neither know nor care who Omi is. But it must be
important if your friend is willing to kill himself over it.

Yohji: /wheeze/

Brad: He's an assassin?

Ken: We're trying to get him fixed.

Aya: /brings bouquet/ Your flowers, scum.

Brad: Your money, you Weiß bastard. When's the next bus?

Aya: Fifteen minutes.

Brad: Over there? /points to street corner/

Aya: Yeah.

Brad: Okay then.

[Aya and Brad exchange Shi-NE glares. Brad leaves.]

Aya: Did you have to tell him that, Ken?

Ken: No sex, no respect. I told you you're only good for one thing.



*** Present ***

Therapist: You told him that? I thought Yohji was kidding.

Ken: Well, it's the truth. Have you ever tried to have a conversation
with him? Either he's ranting about his sister or he's not responding
at all.

Therapist: Hmmm.

Ken: But anyway... We left Yohji at the counter because Aya said it
was bad for business. But the next day he was acting weird. And
that's when IT happened.



*** The Other Day ***


Yohji: Okay, which one of you molested me?

Aya: No one molested you.

Yohji: Bullshit. I'm too beautiful to resist. /strikes yet another
sexy pose/ Oh baby, oh baby, oh.

Ken: Riiiight.

[A loud bang is heard from upstairs.]

Ken: That sounded bad. I'm going to go up and check. /walks upstairs
humming, then opens Omi's door/ La la la-- AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!



*** Present ***

Ken: /bursts into tears/ I can't talk about it! It's so horrible!
They were-- they were-- the milk! Oh God, the milk!

Therapist: At this point, I don't want to know.

Ken: /sniffs/ Nani?

Therapist: Why can't any of you tell me the truth? You know what,
that's it. I'm through with this family. I suggest the whole lot of
you check into a mental institution.

Ken: That's not very nice.

Therapist: Shut up and get out.



*** Owari. ***

Coming up next: Part V: Brad - "I can see the future. No, really."

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