Uncle Yohji's Book of Love: Schruldig's Book of 'Love'

Omi: Why bees?

Therapist: Nani?

Omi: Bees. He always uses bee metaphors.

Therapist: /thinking of Aya/ God?

Omi: What-? No, Yohji-kun!

Therapist: Ah, yes, Yohji-san. What other bee metaphors has he used?

Omi: Just one.



*** Last Week ***

Omi: Yohji-kun?

Yohji: Hmm?

Omi: Why is everyone sleeping together?

Yohji: Well, you see, Omi-chan, when you put a mopey bee, a stupid 
bee, a baby bee, and a sexy bee together, magical things happen. The 
bees start to release pheromones that make the other bees all... hot 
and bothered. The only thing to do is have sex.

Omi: Do the baby bee and the sexy bee ever get together?

Yohji: No, Omi-chan, that would be gross.

Omi: What if the baby bee dresses up like a girl?

Yohji: That's silly. Bees can't be birds.

Omi: Watch me.



*** Present ***

Omi: Nothing worked. I tried all sorts of things to get him in the 
sack.

OMI'S GUIDE TO SEDUCTION:

1.) Naughty phone calls.

Omi: Yohji-kun, I'm naked and all alone in my bed.

Yohji: Omi, you called to tell me that? I'm right next door. You 
could have just shouted it to me. Never call me. Uncle Yohji has to 
use his cell phone to pick up chicks.

Omi: Demo --

Yohji: Oyasumi, Omi.

/click/

Omi: Kuso!

2.) Dress up as Asuka.

Omi: Oh, Yoooohji-kun!

Yohji: What-? /starts hyperventilating/

Omi: Oh, dear.

Yohji: /passes out/

Omi: I knew red wasn't my color.

3.) Scare off 'chicks.'

Omi: That's right, he has all sorts of diseases.

Girl: Honti ni?

Omi: Yeah, yesterday his pee was green. I knew because, well, I was 
in the bathroom with him. /giggles/

Girl: I'm leaving now.

4.) Desperation.

Omi: YOHJI, HAVE SEX WITH ME NOW!

Yohji: Whoa there, kid. I would, but Uncle Yohji's on "special" 
medication. 

Omi: ARG! /leaps on Yohji/

Ken: Omigod! Aya, Yohji's molesting Omi!

Aya: /flying through the air with katana/ Shi-NE! 

Yohji: AAAAHHHH!!!

[Aya chases Yohji around the flower shop.]

Omi: Matte! You've got it all wrong! *I* jumped *him*!

Aya: You put him up to this! /points sword at Yohji/

Yohji: AAAAAHHHH!!! 



*** Present ***

Therapist: I thought you had a boyfriend.

Omi: That's right, Na-- er, um, oh, what the hell. Nagi. His name is 
Nagi. *He* treats me right. He respects my feelings. And my hormones.

Therapist: The others mentioned he was too young for you.

Omi: Only by two years. Besides, Nagi fills the /cough/ *void* in my 
life.

Therapist: Does he now. How did you two meet?



*** Two Weeks Ago ***

[Omi's school, between class changes.]

Nagi: Oh dear, Omi-kun, I seem to have dropped my books. Would you 
please bend down and pick them up for me?

Omi: Certainly, Nagi-kun. 

Nagi: /steps back to admire view/ Mmmm.

Omi: Nagi, what are you looking at? What are you doing?!? Not in the 
hallway! Not in the hall-- mmph!



*** Present ***

Omi: We got suspended for the week but, damn, was it worth it.



*** Two Weeks Ago ***

Aya: You got suspended for having sex in the hallway?!?

Omi: *Attempted* sex.

Yohji: Alright, playboy! High five!

Ken: Yohji, look what you've done! You've corrupted Omi!

Aya: I just can't believe it. You've always been the nice one.

Omi: Eh.

Aya: You're grounded.

Omi: You can't ground me, you're not my parents! And even if you 
were, I wouldn't know who was my mom, you or Ken!

Ken: Hey!

Aya: Definitely Ken.

Yohji: /laughs/

Omi: Yohji-kun would just be my peverted Uncle.

Yohji: Haha-- Hey! Et tu, Omi-chan?

Omi: I would say Ken is my mom, but Aya-kun's just so pretty.

Aya: Thank you. I mean, go to your room!

Omi: Yeah, yeah. /leaves/



*** Present ***

Therapist: After all this is over, I may have to see you in some 
private sessions.

Omi: But I'm normal! I'm perfectly normal!



*** The Other Day ***

Omi: Wow, this is great, sleeping with the enemy!

Nagi: The thrill dies down eventually.

[Brad, inside his snazzy black car, beeps the horn.]

Nagi: There's my, ahem, parents. They have to drive me everywhere 
because I'm not allowed to be in crowded places unsupervised.

[Brad leans on the horn. Literally.]

Brad: Come on, I don't like this place. It makes me nervous.

Schruldig: /shudders/ *Happy* thoughts.

Nagi: Want a ride, Omi?

Omi: Sure.

[Omi and Nagi get into the back seat. Brad glares at them. Schu just 
grins.]

Nagi: This /points to Brad/ is my... father. Yes, that's right, 
father. Brad. And this /points to Schu/ is my, er, other parent, 
Schruldig.

Schruldig: Oh please, Nagi-baby, call me mom. /pinches Nagi's cheeks/ 
Aren't you just kaaawiii?

Nagi: One day I am going to kill you.

Brad: K'so, Schruldig, get back in your seat. I have to keep my eyes 
on the road. Remember what happened last time you got out of your 
seat?

Schruldig: Sweet memories... Really, Crawford, I *know* you could 
multi-task if you put your mind to it.

Nagi: Drop us off at Kitten in the House. This is my new boyfriend, 
Omi.

Brad: Omi... That sounds familiar...

Schruldig: Let's play the guessing game. You like game, Omi?

Omi: Oh, yes, very much. /thinks: only if they involve sex/

Schruldig: I like this one. Try to keep him around, Nagi. And hey, 
he's not even retarded! 
[Author's note: Sorry, we just *had* to get a Tot joke in there.]

Nagi: Shut up, Schruldig.

Brad: We're here. Get out.

Omi: Thanks for the ride, Mister, uh, Nagi's father-like person.

[Omi and Nagi get out of the car.]

Schruldig: Our pleasure!

Brad: No, it's not. Now go away. You sicken me.

[Omi and Nagi enter Kitten in the House. Aya, Ken, and Yohji are 
fighting, as usual.]

Omi: Hey, guys!

[Ken and Yohji continue to fight.]

Aya: /looks at Nagi/ You look familiar.

Nagi: No, I don't.

Omi: This is my new boyfriend, Na-- er, Ned.

Ken: Aren't you kind of young?

Nagi: I'm two years younger, but you know how love is. /smiles at Omi 
and smacks him on the butt/

Ken: I'm going to pretend I didn't see that.

Aya: You look really, really familiar.

Nagi: No, I don't.

Yohji: /Stares hard at a potted plant in the corner. His whole body 
begins to tremble. Slowly, the plant lifts into the air and drops, 
shattering./

Aya: Dammit! Yohji!

Yohji: I didn't do it!



*** Present ***

Therapist: Wait, wait, wait. You're saying *Yohji* lifted the pot 
with his mind?

Omi: It certainly wasn't Nagi, if that's what you're thinking.

Therapist: I just don't think Yohji has the mental capability for 
that sort of thing.

Omi: Hahaha! /gives Therapist the Evil Eye/ It wasn't Nagi.

Therapist: Right. It wasn't Nagi.

Omi: After the incident, Nagi and I retreated to my room to, ah, 
study.



*** The Other Day ***

Nagi: Your family's weird.

Omi: Shut up, you have two fathers.

Nagi: Hey! 

[enter Omi's room]

Nagi: Hmm, somehow I was expecting it to be more... On second 
thought, this is exactly how I pictured your room.

Omi: /sits on the bed/ So... anou...

Nagi: Your bed's too small.

Omi: It's big enough.

Nagi: Not for what I have planned. The floor will have to do.



*** Present ***

Omi: /laughs nervously/ Ah, let's skip that part.

Therapist: What happened?

Omi: Well, let's just say it involved the desk, the lamp, and a glass 
of milk.

Therapist: It-- what?

Omi: Anyway...



*** The Other Day ***

Ken: OH MY GOD!

Nagi: Shimatta!

Ken: AAAHHH!!! Sick, sick, sick!

Omi: It's not what it looks like!

Nagi: Yes, it is.

Ken: /runs downstairs/ Aaaaayaaa!!

Nagi: I should go before Aya, you know, kills me. Shi-NE, and all 
that.

Omi: Yeah, that would probably be the best thing to do.

Nagi: Um, I'll call you, if Brad lets me use the phone. Although 
somehow I doubt he will.

[Somewhere, on a city bus. Brad: I foresaw that, and yet I did 
nothing.]

Nagi: Ja ne.

Omi: Ja.



*** Present ***


Omi: Ken's *still* not speaking to me.

Therapist: You skipped all the details. I have no idea what's going 
on.

Omi: As it should be.

Therapist: Yohji-san lives in a very dysfunctional home.

Omi: Really? I never noticed.



*** Owari. ***