Uncle Yohji's Book of Love

[Therapy session. Yohji is sitting on a couch, and the other 
boys are scooted far away from him. They're all wearing name 
tags. The dots in Yohji's name are hearts. Omi's says Omi-chan. 
Aya's is blank.]

Ken: You know you're suppose to write --

Aya: Shut up.

Ken: Gotcha.

Therapist: How did this all begin?

Omi: Well, it all started the first time I layed eyes on him. I 
thought, God damn, he's hot.

Everyone: /silence/

Therapist: I was speaking to Yohji-san.

Omi: Oh, silly me. /laughs nervously/

Yohji: It all started when Uncle Yohji began to notice the tension in the 
room, if you know what I mean.

Therapist: Is there a reason you refer to yourself in third person?

Yohji: Third person?



*** Last Week ***

[ Kitchen. The boys are sitting at the table eating oreos. Well, the other boys 
are eating. Omi is too busy staring at Yohji.]

Yohji: Ah, oreos. They're delicious. They taste like a woman during sweet, 
sweet lovin'.

Ken: /chokes/

Omi: /disgusted look on face and puts down cookie/

Aya: Dear God. /picks up oreos and tosses them in the trash/

Yohji: Hey, I was eating those.

Ken: Yet another thing you've ruined for us, Yohji.



*** Present ***

Therapist: Ruined?

THINGS YOHJI HAS RUINED:

1.) Aya's favorite turtleneck.

[Aya wakes up one morning to find Yohji's date wearing his turtleneck. 
And nothing else.]

Aya: Shi-NE! /pulls out katana/

Girl: AAAAHHHHH!!!!

Yohji: Hey, that's my lovin' for the week!

2.) The carwash.

[As the car enters the carwash...]

Yohji: You know, I had a dream about this once.

Ken: /starts banging on window/ Letmeoutletmeoutletmeout...

Aya: The radio is not working. WHY IS THE RADIO NOT WORKING?

Yohji: ...And then...

3.) Omi's computer.

Omi: Yoshi! I'm almost finished with my report!

Yohji: Move over, Omi-chan. I told this woman I'd meet her online to have 
cybersex.

Omi: You WHAT?

Yohji: Yeah, we've been doing this every night for the last two weeks.

Omi: On MY computer? Wait a minute -- What are you -- Oh my GOD, I can't believe 
you just typed that!

Yohji: You ain't seen nothing yet.

[The next day, Aya takes Omi to buy a new computer.]

4.) Hotdogs.

[The boys are at a baseball game, sitting the bleachers. Each is holding a 
hotdog.]

Yohji: You know what this looks like.

Ken: Ewww. /drops hotdog/

Omi: /turns green/

Aya: Hmm, it does, doesn't it. /continues eating/

Yohji, Ken, Omi: /stare/

Aya: Nani?

5.) Rollercoasters.

[At an amusement park.]

Omi: Let's go ride the rollercoaster!

Ken: I love rollercoasters!

Aya: /sighs/ Okay.

[On the rollercoaster, going up.]

Yohji: Hey, watch this...

Aya, Omi, Ken: NOOOO!!!


*** Present ***

Yohji: Ouch.

Therapist: I see. /writes something/ Everyone, what's the first word that 
comes to mind when you think of Yohji?

Yohji: /lowers sunglasses and waggles eyebrows/

Aya: Sex addict.

Ken: Ecchi.

Omi: Hot -- I mean, sex addict.

Yohji: You're all really hurting Uncle Yohji.

Therapist: Let's work on communication. I want you all to draw a picture of 
Yohji.

Aya: /draws an old man being killed by a young man with a sword. The bubble 
above old man says "Taketori."/ He, he. Revenge.

Ken: /whispers/ You're suppose to be drawing Yohji.

Aya: /crosses out "Taketori" and writes "Yohji"/

Yohji: Ouch.

Ken: /draws a stick figure with long hair and a cigarette/

Yohji: That's just cruel.

Ken: Hey, I was really trying!

Omi: /Draws Yohji as a gorgeous man with flowing hair being blown in 
the wind and a lean, muscular body. A halo of light shines down on 
him./

Yohji: Now that's what I'm talking about.

Therapist: /writes "Omi: Gay?"/ When did you all realize there was a problem?

Ken: Well, it started during storytime -- 

Therapist: Storytime?

Omi: We have storytime.

Aya: It keeps us from killing ourselves.

Therapist: What do you all do for a living?

Aya: We're florists.

Yohji: You see, it all began after Aya and Ken's new sexual awareness...

Aya and Ken: What?!?

Yohji: All thanks to Uncle Yohji, of course.


*** 5 Days Ago ***

Omi: Aya-kun, tell me a story.

Aya: No.

Omi: I'll pay you.

Aya: Once upon a time there was a family of bears. There was a mama bear, a
papa bear, a brother bear, and an Aya bear. There were very, very happy. Even 
if the mama bear and papa bear had to work all the time and left brother bear 
and Aya bear by themselves. But it was okay because they were the bestest of 
friends.

Omi: I don't think 'bestest' is a word.

Aya: One day a little girl, let's just call her Taketori, broke into the bears' 
home. She ate their food, wore their clothes, slept in their beds, killed their 
parents, and ran over Aya bear. Brother bear came home and was very, very sad.

Omi: Aya-kun -- 

Aya: Then he became angry, and vowed revenge on the little girl. This hatred 
consumed his entire being. All he could think was, must get revenge, must kill 
Taketori --

Omi: Aya-kun!

Aya: /cries/

Ken: Now look what you've done. /hugs Aya/ Poor Aya.

Aya: /sniffs/ Yes, poor me.

Ken: I know what will make you feel better... /gives Aya Significant Look/

Aya: /stops crying and grabs Ken, dragging him to the door/ We're going, uh, 
to the store for a while.

Omi: But the door out is over *there*.

Yohji: Ah, sweet, sweet lovin'.

Omi: Yohji-kun, what's going on between Aya and Ken?

Yohji: Let Uncle Yohji tell you a story.

Omi: Oh boy!

Yohji: This is a story about the bird and the bees. You see, sometimes birds 
and bees get together and make sweet, sweet lovin'. But sometimes bees like other 
bees. Sometimes birds like birds. Sometimes bees like birds *and* bees.

Omi: Wait, now I'm confused.

Yohji: See, Omi-chan, most guys walk on the right side of the street. Aya 
and Ken walk on the left side of the street. Holding hands. Singing songs.

Omi: Hold on, I'm not catching any of this. You're mixing metaphors.

Yohji: As for Uncle Yohji, well, Uncle Yohji walks in the middle of the street. 
/waggles eyebrows/

Omi: ...Headache... /passes out/


*** Present ***

Omi: I woke up two days later naked and confused.

Yohji: No, you didn't!

Omi: A boy can always hope, can't he?

Therapist: /writes "Omi: definitely gay"/

Ken: Then Yohji tried to -- he tried to -- he tried to --

Therapist: He tried to what?


*** 4 Days Ago ***

Yohji: Can I watch?

Ken: Can you watch what?

Aya: Ken, I think he wants to watch us, you know...

Ken: What?!? No!

Yohji: Damn.

Omi: Watch what?

Aya: Sesame Street.

Omi: Cool, can I watch too?

Ken: NO! You're all perverts!

Yohji: Damn, and I was going to get some.

Omi: Get some what?

Aya: Candy.

Omi: Cool, can I get some too?

[Later. Aya and Ken are driving to the movies.]

Aya: Why is smoke coming out of the backseat?

Ken: Hey! /lifts the blanket covering back seat, only to reveal Yohji laying down and smoking a
cigarette/

Yohji: I knew I should have stopped smoking.

Aya: /slams on breaks/

Ken: Get out, get out! /starts kicking Yohji/

Yohji: Itai! But how am I suppose to get home?

Aya: Walk. /turns and shoves Yohji out of the car/

Yohji: This is *not* Uncle Yohji's day.

[That night screams are heard from Ken's room. No, you perverts, not *those* 
types of screams.]

Yohji and Omi: /run to Ken's room/

Ken: He -- he -- he --

Aya: Ken, calm down!

Omi: What's happening?

Ken: HENTI! /points at Yohji/

Omi: Nani?

Ken: He put a CAMERA in my room! He was taping us!

Omi: Taping you what?

Aya: Changing.

Ken: Uh, yeah, changing.

Yohji: Hey, when is it Uncle Yohji's turn to have some fun?

Aya: That's IT! We're taking you to therapy!

Yohji: Can my shrink be a woman? Smart chicks turn me on.

Omi: Oh, I get it! You were 'changing' with Aya! /elbows Ken/

Ken: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!


*** Present ***

Therapist: Now, Yohji-san, you know what you did was wrong.

Yohji: /shrug/

Therapist: Why do you think you have the need to act out these urges?

Yohji: I just go with the flow.

Ken: Isn't it obvious? It's because he's a henti!

Aya: Because he's Yohji.

Omi: Because he hasn't made love to me yet.

Everyone: /silence/

Omi: Just kidding.

Therapist: Is there something in your life that happened to give you such a need 
for sexual relations?

Ken: /mumbles/ He was born.

Yohji: Uncle Yohji has the best job in the world. By day he's surrounded by 
pretty girls, by night he's surrounded by pretty boys. /puts his arm around Aya/

Ken: Hey! Get your arm off of my... friend.

Omi: Why are you touching Aya? I'm right here!

Therapist: What's your job again?

Ken: We're florists.

Therapist: Yohji-san, maybe your inability to communicate your emotional needs 
is what's causing you have these feelings.

Omi: 'Inability to communicate your emotional needs'?!? I can solve all this right 
now! Aya, stop moping. Ken, get smart. Yohji, have sex with me, now. I'll be 
in the janitor's closet. /runs out of room/

Yohji: Didn't see that one coming.

Ken: Aya, I'm not stupid, am I?

Aya: ...No...

Ken: I am! /cries/

Omi: Heeeello! I'm waiting!

Yohji: Too many conflicting urges. Do I have sex with Omi -- ?

Omi: YES!

Yohji: -- Or do I stay and hope Aya and Ken will make out... Er, up?

Ken: For God's sake, you're just a whore!

Yohji: Ouch.

Ken: You're about to sleep with a kid! How pathetic is that?

Omi: What he needs is to do is stop making me horny!

Yohji: Omi-chan, that's like asking God to make the sun stop shining.

Therapist: I think you need to try to get into a relationship not based 
on sex.

Yohji: Gasp! But I can't -- I've never -- Uncle Yohji is so confused!

Aya: Would you stop calling yourself that?!?

Therapist: As for you too /points to Aya and Ken/, it's so obvious you're 
sleeping together. Stop trying to hide it.

Aya: I told you so.

Ken: Shut up, Aya.

Therapist: And would someone get him out of my closet? Yohji-san, I'll see 
you next week.

Yohji: Damn.

Aya: Come on, Ken, Omi, let's go.

Omi: No!

Aya: I'll buy you icecream.

Omi: Icecream is no substitute for SEX, but it'll do. Hey, I wonder what Nagi's 
doing...

Yohji: /mournfully/ No sex for Uncle Yohji...

Therapist: Your bill will arrive in the mail.

Yohji: Damn.



*** Owari. ***