Paradise Lost


Paradise in Reflection

By: Kat



Omi stared at his own reflection as he had been doing for the last ten
minutes and didn't like what he saw. It wasn't because his face was
marred by his healing split lip or the bruise on his temple. He was
disgusted by the face because of what it stood for and who it belonged
to. It was the face of a boy who his classmates never bother getting to
know, who wasn't respected as much as his team mates, who was utterly
unloved by anyone. 

"You're pathetic," he told himself harshly, his usually expressive
features taking on a look of uncaring like Aya's. 

Omi couldn't remember what happened the night before after Aya had left,
but he woke up in his own bed in his own room with a splitting headache.
The clock had read 10:27 and he was already hours late to open the shop,
but everyone had let him sleep. It was probably because the y felt sorry
for him after all he'd been through the day before, but for a terrifying
moment, he wondered if it had something to do with his experience with
Aya last night... His failure... But that wasn't likely. It wasn't the
sort of thing Aya would ever bring up. 

Omi had pulled on some clothes, grabbed his work apron with his name tag
still pinned to it, and dashed to the bathroom where he showered
quickly, trying not to think too deeply about anything. He was starting
to blow dry his hair when his own reflection in the medicine cabinet
mirror caught his eye in a new way and he wondered at himself as he
stared at the sad image. 

"What's wrong with you?" Omi asked his own reflection. "Are you so
undesirable? Your own parents left you for dead and even your lover
couldn't hold his affection for more than an hour... There must be
something wrong..." Omi sighed and ran his fingers through his hair as
he continued looking onward. /All the other members of Weiß have someone
who loves them, it seemed, but me. I always try my hardest to be
understanding and kind to everyone, so what am I doing wrong? ...Maybe
it's my destiny to be alone or bad karma from residual sins of a
previous life. But all I'm only trying to do the right thing... ...Why
did Aya turn away? ...Why did Papa?/ 

"DOOSHITE?!!" Omi struck the mirror with his fist and he felt tears burn
his eyes and brim at the bottom of his eyelids. "Oh, now you're
crying...!" he chided himself in a hushed whisper, "At least you're good
at *something*... Why don't you be a man? No wonder I disappointed
Aya-kun..." 

Omi rubbed his eyes briefly with the back of his wrist and took a deep
breath before climbing the spiraling stairs to the flower shop. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Star jasmine was the special of the day, and the dizzying sweet smell
wafted all down the city street from the florist shop as the Weiß men
were hard at work setting up new displays, picking up the slack as the
hardest working of them, Omi, had still not shown up. 

Ken was started to get deeply worried about the boy, and wondered if he
was still sleeping or if he was too upset to come downstairs. Omi hadn't
seemed so bad last night after the incident with his brother, but Ken
knew how sometimes it was *after* the event when you're alone with your
thoughts that the real pain can kick in. Ken glanced at the clock and
told himself that if his friend didn't show up in another ten minutes,
he would go and check to make sure he was okay. The soccer player's eyes
were unfocused with his thoughts as he fiddled with the old shop radio. 

Meanwhile, Yohji was studiously tying Ken's apron strings into a huge
knot. The brunette had looked serious and worried all morning, and he
hoped that noticing the tangled strings would either make Ken laugh or
yell at him. Either way, it would hopefully brighten Ken's mood or at
least distract him. Yohji would have been doing work, but Aya stood at
the only available flower-arranging table and something told him to stay
away from the swordsman for the time being. Aya had the weirdest
expression on his face all morning. It wasn't a blank or angry look as
it usually was, but somehow... nervous? He'd been jumpy all morning and
it looked as if his hair was about to stand on end at one point when Ken
dropped a pot which crashed on the floor. While Ken was going for the
dustpan and broom to clean up the broken pottery shards, Aya had stared
at all the broken pieces as if hypnotized until the last of the shards
were swept up and put away. It was unusual. And besides that, there were
slight, but noticeable bags under Aya's eyes which suggested he hadn't
had a wink of sleep that night and Yohji was damned if he was going to
get near the swordsman when he was acting strange _and_ was low on
sleep... 

The static crackle of searching for a radio station suddenly gave way to
the pulsing sound of music and soulful acoustic guitars. "Yosshi!" Ken
exclaimed triumphantly as the station came in. 

Yohji leaned over him, smiling. "Hey! I love this song turn it up!" He
didn't wait, but turned up the dial himself until the shop resounded
with the melody. 

[Somewhere they're speaking 
It's already coming in 
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind 
You never could get it 
Unless you were fed it 
Now you're here and you don't know why...] 

[But under the skinned knees and the skid marks 
Past the places where you used to learn...] 

Aya's head jerked up at the words which reminded him of his sister. He'd
never heard the song before, but the meanings of the lyrics were still
painfully familiar... 

[You howl and listen 
Listen and wait for the 
Echoes of angels who won't return...] 

As the chorus started in, Ken and Yohji sang along with the familiar
words, Ken bobbing his head to the music and the pony-tailed man
slamming at an imaginary guitar 

[He's everything you want 
He's everything you need 
He is everything inside of you 
That you wish you could be 
He says all the right things 
At exactly the right time 
But he means nothing to you 
And you don't know why...] 

Aya ignored the others and stared into space and thought of Omi as he
heard the chorus. Wasn't Omi perfect for him like that? Wasn't he
everything he needed and wished he could be like? He loved the boy's
company for that exact ability to say "all the right things at exactly
the right time"... So why did it seem so wrong last night when the young
man had confessed his love? Aya wished they would turn the song off and
was had just resolving himself to ignore the words, when his eyes caught
the motion of Omi stepping through the door, the boy's eyes never
lifting from the floor, as the next verse began. 

[You're waiting for someone 
To put you together 
You're waiting for someone to push you away... 
There's always another wound to discover 
There's always something more you wish he'd say] 

[He is everything you want 
He is everything you need...] 

Ken and Yohji stopped singing the chorus this time as they spotted Omi
entering the room. The boy didn't look up, but shuffled across the floor
in a beeline for the pruning shears which he began to use on the roses
without a word to anyone. He was wearing his baseball cap forwards and
the bill cast a shadow over his face, concealing his usually twinkling
eyes. 

[But you'll just sit tight 
And watch it unwind 
It's only what you're asking for 
And you'll be just fine 
With all of your time 
It's only what you're waiting for...] 

Omi set down the shears for a moment and went for some cellophane. As he
reached across the table his eyes met with Aya's for a moment and they
were both trapped in each other's awkward gaze all through the last
stanza. 

[I am everything you want! 
I am everything you need! 
I am everything inside of you 
That you wish you could be! 
I say all the right things 
At exactly the right time 
But I mean nothing to you 
And I don't know... why] 

Omi's azure eyes burned into Aya's as if his heart was singing the words
directly to him, but Aya told himself he was just over-tired and
imagining things. Tsukiyono Omi blushed furiously and turned away,
nearly cutting himself as he fumbled with the safety on the shears. They
both whirled around and turned their backs on each other in
embarrassment at the same second and the song faded thankfully into
silence. The gesture had not gone unnoticed and Yohji raised a
speculative and curious eyebrow. 

Ken turned the radio off and stood over to the rose bushes, "Ohayo,
Omi-kun..." 

"Hi, Ken," Omi said softly without looking up. 

There was a brief silence and Ken immediately cut in with, "Look, Omi...
I don't claim to know what you're going through right now, but I want
you to know I'm sorry about what happened to your brother and that we're
all here for you." Ken's soft brown eyes were warm with concern and Omi
smiled a little for the first time all day. /Leave it to Ken to be both
totally forward and totally caring./ he thought to himself. 

"I really appreciate it," Omi replied, his words unusually formal, "But
that's not necessary. I don't want to bring the rest of you down with my
problems." 

Ken shook his head emphatically. "Oh, no!" he insisted earnestly,
"That's what friends are for, Omi! We're here to stand by each other and
help each other out no matter how bad things get. It's the *least* we
can do..." 

Across the room, Aya cringed. 

Omi lowered his head again so they couldn't see his eyes and sniffed. 

An awkward silence prevailed in the shop as Omi tried to hold back his
pain, Ken was confused at his failed attempt to be supportive, and Aya
burned with self-loathing. It was Yohji who cut the silence with his
playful, charismatic voice. "Oi, Omi! Some lady down on Hunter Boulevard
wanted this bouquet for her baby shower," he waved the
handsomely-crafted bundle of pink and white flowers over his head
carelessly, "Why doncha take your bike and deliver these for us before
her water breaks?" He winked a sapphire eye and put on his most charming
smile. The atmosphere lightened by default. "Go ahead and take your time
returning if you just wanna relax for a while on the way back. We got
everything under control here. Ne, guys?" 

Ken nodded in agreement and Aya said nothing, but Omi smiled
wholeheartedly for the first time all morning. Yohji was definitely wise
beyond his years when it came to awkward social situations and whether
the man fully understood what was going on or not, Omi was grateful for
the words and the excuse to go out for a while. 

"Sure," Omi said, taking the bouquet, "I'll see you guys later." 

"Ja!" came the response and glass door's welcome bells tinkled as Omi
opened it. He threw one last longing look into the shop before he left
and his gaze was met by Aya's somber expression. They broke eye contact
at the same time, and Omi stepped out onto the sidewalk. 

It was a beautiful day which seemed to only mock his sad mood. The
painfully bright sunshine hurt his eyes and found himself wishing for a
dark and overcast day to better reflect his thoughts. Omi was reaching
for his helmet and was about to swing a leg over the seat of his
motorcycle when he realized he'd rather walk. He wasn't in the mood to
drive and was worried about being too distracted, anyway. If the weather
insisted on being nice, he may as well walk 
the short distance and give it a chance to make him feel better, he
figured. 

He began to walk, holding the "It's a girl!" bouquet carefully and let
himself get lost in his thoughts once again. He felt like a fool for
having said anything last night. He never should have taken Aya's hand
or kissed him in the kitchen in the first place... Omi's thoughts
trailed from his problems to the sweet memory of the love they had
shared and his pain faded to nothing. Aya's words, his touch, his eyes
had been... "Perfection..." Omi whispered. The boy had never been so
exultantly happy as he had in that sweet moment with Aya. They had
talked, held each other... It seemed they had started on a path to heal
their broken hearts... But Omi's moment of glory had ended as abruptly
as it had begun and left him lower than ever before. Despite the
ecstatic paradise he had known for a few brief moments the night before,
Omi wished he could take it back now. He would rather go back to being a
secret admirer, content to love Aya from a distance... Anything was
better than to actually touch that impossible dream, say the wrong thing
and have it all taken away... Whoever said, "It is better to have loved
and lost than never to have loved at all" was a fool. He would gladly go
back to unrequited, but unrefused love. 

/The worst part is,/ Omi thought to himself, /I *know* this is somehow
my fault. Aya was fine before I told him I loved him. I could see it in
his eyes... Something was there. I thought... For a while he seemed as
in love as...? I'm just fooling myself. He must not have ever thought of
me that way. But then why did he bother talking to me, let me kiss him,
lead me to his room...? Is he so cruel he would lead me on for fun? Was
he just trying to get some skin?/ 

Omi closed his eyes tightly, upset by the thought of Aya using him, then
put the thought out of his mind. Aya certainly was not the type who
would seduce a teammate like that because of some lustful whim, and
although he was cold sometimes on the outside, Omi could see and loved
the person within, who could never be so cruel as to play with Omi as a
joke. Then why? 

When Omi had started crying, Aya had become silent. When Omi held him,
Aya pulled away. When Omi told him how he loved him... Aya had... told
him to leave. Omi's mental high from the memory of Aya's sweet embrace
melted into nothingness as the memory of his rejection returned and Omi
felt the twisting lump in his throat return. Rejected... Turned away...
Again... 
{You're Dad says he won't pay!} {You got some cold parents there, kid}
{Why don't you give up?} 

/Why can't anyone love me? I have so much love to give... So close to
salvation, to paradise and those dearest to me turn away... The man who
had just undressed me and kissed me so deeply, and my own *parents*... I
mean nothing to either of them and I don't know why... Was it my past
that turned Aya off? He knew about it, I thought. I hoped we could work
both our problems out together, combine our strengths and make ourselves
whole in each others' arms.../ Omi turned his face to the sun as if
asking someone above for the answers. /Was it when I told him I loved
him? And all he said was.../ 

{Don't misunderstand me} {Just leave} 

It had been Aya's way of saying, "I don't love you..." 

Omi put his arms around himself and dropped his face from the sky to the
asphalt. "It hurts, Aya... Your words burn me like nothing else when you
tell me you don't care about me... But... Aya-kun, no matter what you
say, no matter how you try to turn me away, or how I try to believe
you... I can't stop... can't stop loving you, A...ya-...kun..." Omi
battled with his foolish tears and won, then realized he was nearly
crushing the stems of the flowers in his clenched fist. "Baka..." he
whispered to himself. 

Omi delivered the flowers uneventfully and decided to relax in the park
for a while before going back to the shop and facing Aya again. The warm
sun shining on his face went ignored as he walked and when he finally
got to the park in the town square, there was hardly anyone else there.
Omi flopped himself down under the shade of a sprawling willow tree and
sighed. He wished he'd brought his sketch book. He loved people-watching
and capturing the beauty of everyday life in the city with quick,
angular sketches to look through later. Omi had already lost a lifetime
of memories and he wanted to write and draw everything he saw and lived
to make sure it would never happen again. 

As Omi let the complete ordinariness of the scene lull him into a state
of complacency if not happiness, he took in the surroundings. An elderly
man was sitting on a bench across the walkway and reading the paper and
a pair of young lovers was talking quietly together as they walked past
him, walking their dog. The sun sparkled gayly of every ripple and angle
of the fountain in the center of the park and Omi was suddenly struck by
the wafting smell of... chocolate? Reminded suddenly of not having eaten
anything in the last 24 hours, Omi's stomach groaned in protest at the
probably-imagined smell which was carried to him on the wind. 

Omi looked toward the source of the scent and saw, to his surprise, what
appeared to be a thin, dark-haired young man holding a plate of
chocolate birthday cake in one hand, while the other hand thrust deep
into the cake. He flung the fistful of pastry outward, frosting and all,
into the air and the crumbs scattered to the pidgeons at his feet which
pecked the food up appreciatively. 

The young assassin couldn't help but raise an eyebrow in curiosity and
smile slightly at the odd spectacle and watched as the fair-skinned boy
continued to toss cake to the birds with his bare hands. Even from that
distance, Omi could make out the boy's lips moving as he was speaking to
the birds he was feeding softly. Omi smiled fully, the bizarre spectacle
distracting him for the moment from his melancholy thoughts as his
curiousity got the best of him. He was just starting to stride towards
the stranger to ask what he was doing, when he suddenly heard the young
man's cry of pain. "Augk!" the boy choked out in agony and dropped to
the ground, clutching at his chest and struggling for breath. 

Omi broke into a sprint and ran towards the fallen figure, already
calling, "Are you all right?!" as he ran. 

... 
When Nagi opened his eyes after he collapsed, Omi's concerned face was
the first thing he saw. 
Chapter Six?
Reading Room?