Lunchtime Express


A Yuu Yuu Hakusho/Weiß; Kreuz crossover sillyfic

By: Rhole Hidaka and Jessi B.


After yet another hard day’s work of killing evil youkai and saving the planet from
eminent DOOM,
the Urameshi-tachi decides to head home for a nice, cozy meal...

Kuwabara: HEY!! Who’s writing this *^*#(!!

Rhole: *whaps him with umbrella* Do you MIND??! I’m trying to write a fic here??

Jessi: *whimpers* Um, Mighty Future Ruler of the World type... *timidly raises hand*

Rhole: *flashes cute Omi-type grin* Hmmm?? 

Jessi: *small voice* shouldn’t that be WE, Oh Great One...?

Rhole: Yeah, that too. Now, where was I...? Oh yeah, WE’RE trying to write a fic. Ne,
Kuwa-chan? 
*mischievous glint in eyes as grip on umbrella tightens* 

Kuwabara: *rubs his noggin and curses under his breath*

Hiei: Hn. *smirks in that oh-so-sexy-Hiei way as Jessi melts into a puddle of fangirl goo*

Botan: EWWW!!! Anyone have a hose?

Jessi: *reforms and sticks tongue out*

Rhole: *waves a lil’ flag* Um... guys... fic...?? *points above*

Yuusuke: So, WHY are we here again?

Rhole & Jessi: *exchange evil hentai grins as they flash fic contracts*

ALL: *sweatdrop and groan*

Rhole: Jessi-chan, will you do the honors?

Jessi: *resisting urge to megaglomp Hiei* HAI! *smiles proudly as she pulls a cord and
the lights go out*

[dramatic pause as stuff is set up and Jessi takes a moment to grope Hiei in the darkness.]

Hiei: *glaring at everyone* Kisama-tachi... *wondering if it was Kurama*

Jessi: *mood surprisingly brightens*

Rhole: Yosh! Jessi, it’s showtime! ^_^

Jessi: You got it! *hits the lights*

[YYH cast proceeds to do anime fallouts as they stare at the massive studio audience
before them.]

Botan: *twitching*

Yuusuke: OI!! What the @#*) is THIS??! Where’s our food???!! 

Keiko: BAAAAAAKA. *killer-slaps Yuusuke*

ALL: *look at the now unconscious Yuusuke, then Keiko, before sweatdropping and
backing away slowly*

Rhole: *clears throat* Ah, about the food... well, we don’t have it yet...

Kuwabara: Did you order something?

Rhole: Noooooooo... *mischievous hint in her voice*

Yuusuke: *rebounds from killer-slap* Are you gonna order something? 

Rhole: Noooooooo... 

Kuwabara: Then how in the HELL are we ‘supposed to eat???!

Rhole: *stifles giggling as she signals to Jessi*

[Cue short chaos interlude as lights go out once more...]

Rhole: Okies, Jessi! The lights!

[pauses, but still darkness.]

Rhole: Jeeeeee-sssiii...?? 

[still no answer.]

Rhole: 'taku... *mutters something about Twilight Forks as she stumbles around the dark
studio to find the light switch*

[lights come on suddenly as a pile of food sits on the counter.]

Rhole: Jessi-chan?? *looks around* That's strange, she was just there a minute ago...

Keiko: Anou, Rhole-san... something's sticking out from under the pile... *points to what
looks like a twitching foot*

Botan: Hey... isn’t that...??

Rhole: SHIMATTA! O_O Jessi!!!!!!

[a few minutes later, the food mountain is cleared to reveal a twitching, swirly-eyed Jessi,
sporting a rather LARGE bruise on her forehead...]

Jessi: *twitch* Did anyone catch the size of that jar of Farshmallow Cream...? *_*

Yukina: *picks up said jar* 18 oz., I think..

Kuwabara: YUKINA-SAAAAAAAAAN!!! ^______^ *dances around like an idiot while
everyone sweatdrops*

Yukina: Kazuma-san! Nice to see you again! *bright smile* 

Kuwabara: I’m glad to see that you’re doing well, Yukina-san! Will you be staying for
lunch *mutters under breath* if it ever gets here...?

Rhole: I HEARD that. *grabs umbrella*

Yukina: Hai! 

Kurama: *pokes Hiei and whispers* Aww... brother and sister eating lunch together. Isn’t
that sweet? 

Hiei: *GLARE of doom* 

Jessi: *sits up slowly, cold compress to her forehead* I’m ready! Send me in boss!
*twitch*

Rhole: -_-() We’re already here, Jessi... 

Jessi: Uh, right! I knew that! *twitch*

[random stomachs grumble]

Jessi: *whispers to Rhole* Um, Rhole-chan...shouldn’t we start cooking?? Youkai DO
eat humans after all... *nervous grin*

Hiei: *thoughtful look* 

Rhole: Ah, ah... *waves contract in air while Jessi cowers behind her* You wouldn’t
want us to do a ballet fic, would you? 

Jessi: *timidly* WE?

Rhole: *glares at Jessi* Yes, WE. *cackles* 

[Jessi & everyone pales at the thought of the boys dancing around in frilly pink tutus.
Scratch the Jessi part. She begins jotting down ideas...]

Jessi: Hiei, Kurama, tights... *scribbles and drools*

Rhole: Jessi dear, people are staring... -_-()

Jessi: Eh? *looks up* Sowwy... *wipes away drool and stashes notebook in
Hammerspace* What's next, Rhole-chan?

Rhole: Do you NEED ask? *mischievous rabid fangirl grin*

Jessi: *nods knowingly as the same fangirl grin spreads across her face*

Rhole: Seeing that we've killed enough airtime as it is... *nervous grin*, let's get started,
ne?

Yuusuke: Finally! Food! *looks at cameras* Eh? We're on TV?? *goofy faces at the
camera*

Hiei: Baka. 

Jessi: HE SPOKE!!! *runs towards Hiei at lighting-fast speed (we're fangirls, give us the
benefit of the doubt here!) as a heavy object bops her over the head. Again.*

Rhole: Now Jessi, please control your drooling fangirl desires for now, ne?

Jessi: *rubbing noggin'* Hai, Rhole-sama... 

[Rhole signals towards Jessi, who puts on a construction helmet before hitting light
switch once more. Random degrees of VERY verbal protests are heard.]

Audience: *shocked & dramatic gasps*

Keiko: *look of disbelief* >_<()

Botan: *anime fallout and twitching* x_X

Yukina: *blushes slightly*

Jessi &; Rhole: *HUGE grins plastered across their faces as the camera pans to the YYH
boys [minus Koenma, who has conviently disappeared at the moment], who are
expressing varying degrees of surprise at their 'new' attire: Warm and fuzzy pink aprons.* 

Botan: They're... they're... they're... O_o 

Keiko: Is this LEGAL??!

Kuwa & Yuu: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Kurama: What’s the big deal? They're just aprons! It’s not that bad... 

ALL: *facefault*

Hiei: *almost twitches as he removes his headband and reaches for the bandages on his
arm* I'm not going to kill you. Directly, anyway... *summons you-ki*

Jessi: *cowers in fear behind Rhole* I don’t wanna die!! I told you this was a bad idea!!!
*cries*

Rhole: *rolls eyes and sweatdrops* Friends to the end, ne? ^^()

Jessi: This was NOT what I had in mind for the end! Well, since Hiei’s here.. 

Rhole: BAKA! Pissed-off Hiei + Black Dragon Wave = REALLY DEAD Jessi!!

Jessi: Oh yeah... at least it's Hiei...! *dreamy look* 

Rhole: Fangirl devotion. It's scary...

Jessi: *idea!* Wait! Yukina-sama, don't you like the aprons?? *hopeful pleading voice*

Yukina: *nods and smiles brightly* Hai! I think they're kawaii! ^,^

Hiei: *suddenly stops powering up and shoots a sideways glare at Jessi* Damn. Now I
can’t kill you... 

Rhole: *whispers to Jessi* Nice save! 

Jessi: Didya see?? Hiei glared at meee... *swoons*

Rhole: Heheh. Nevermind. -_-() *pushes YYH boys towards the counter as Jessi slowly
recovers and sits up*

Kuwarbara: TEMEE!! You never said anything about cooking!! 

Rhole: *sticks out tounge* Beee--daaaa! 

Jessi: Baka, what did you THINK we were gonna do? Dress you in girly aprons and strip
you with our eyes..??

ALL: *look at Jessi and back away*

Jessi: ^,^ What? *innocent look*

Rhole: Let’s see... *searches through her magic bag, pulling out various objects*

Botan: *sweatdrops as a piano flies by* How did you fit THAT in there?

Rhole: Hammerspace. The storage closet for fic authors everywhere. *grins and feels like
a shameless plug*

Jessi: *pipes in* And fire demons, too! 

Kuwabara: Sou ka! THAT’S how the shrimp replaces all his swords so easily...

Jessi: *whaps Kuwa over the head with a saucepan* WHAT did you call him...??
*foaming at mouth*

Rhole: Maa, maa. Calm down Jessi. *patpats and continues searching for a cookbook*
Hiei, you light the stove. I guess we’ll figure out what to cook... 

Jessi: Um, Rhole-chan... is that a good idea?

Rhole: Nani? I'm busy... go help Hiei or something... 

Jessi: *beams happily* Hai! *puts on fire-proof jumpsuit*

Hiei: *turns and stares at the stove* How does this work?

Kurama: You turn this knob, wait a second, then light it. Easy, ne? I'll be right back; gotta
get some more banannas... *leaves*

Botan: Why don't we go help Kurama get those banannas?? *grabs Keiko & Yukina and
runs off*

Hiei: I can do that... *evil gleam in eye as he removes his bandages*

Kuwabara: Not again..!! *ducks under the counter, which is thankfully fire-proofed*

Jessi: *puts on fire-proof helmet and hits the audience protection button* We killed so
many last time... ^^()

Yuusuke: Um, yeah. *puts on fire-proof jumpsuit*

Hiei: ...Kokuryuu-Ha!! 

Rhole: Found it! ^_^ What a minute... what’s that so-- *barely has enough time to open
her 'brella for protection as the dragons wreak MUCHOS havoc.*

[18 minutes later...] 

ALL: *emerge from their various hiding places*

Kuwabara: EH?? *looks around* Why aren’t we dead...?

Koenma: The things I do for fangirls... *sighs*

Jessi: *glomps Koenma* ^_____^ I like your pacifier...

Koenma: OKAY... *shoves the drooling fangirl off*

Rhole: *TWITCH* 'I like your pacifier??' Why can't I get any good-quality lackeys..? O_x

Yuusuke: This is why fire demons don’t cook... *sly grin*

Hiei: *passes out as Jessi catches him, taking the golden opportunity to grope freely*

Kurama: *returns with bananas and raises an eyebrow* So THIS is why you came to help
me...

Botan: *smiles nervously and nods*

Rhole: Minna... cookbook... *waves miraculously un-charred cookbook in the air*

Keiko: So, Rhole-san, what are we making? 

Rhole: Workin' on it... *flips through cookbook* 

Jessi: *pops up* Can we use Hiei to make a Farshmallow Cream special? *grins*

ALL: *blink blink sweatdrop*

Kurama: *thinks* Hmm... what are the ingredients for that? 

Jessi: Well, first you need a--

Rhole: *eyes go wide and she clamps hand over Jessi's mouth* We don't have the time to
make that. Gomen ne, Kurama.. *glares at Jessi*

Jessi: *whispers to Kurama* I'll tell you after the show.

Rhole: Eeto.. Kurama, would you please chop some veggies?

Kurama: Sure. Which ones?

Rhole: Surprise me! *continues to flip through pages*

Kurama: *sweatdrops as he grabs a carrot* Oookay...

Rhole: Tangerines... toast... tomato soup... *pauses and flips back a page* Takatori??!
*blinks*

Aya: *appearing out of nowhere* TAKATORI!!!!!!!!! SHIIII-NEEEEEE!!! 

ALL: *scramble as the countertop is sliced in 2*

Jessi: *scrambles to protect the conveniently still unconscious Hiei*

Ken: *looks around* She's got you doing another cooking show? God have mercy... 

Farfie: GOD?? *licks knife* 

Jessi: Yes, Farfie. Cooking hurts God... or something... ^^()

Farfie Fans Untie Club: She... understands us... 

Rhole: EH?? First Hiei Kokuryuu-Ha's the kitchen, then the FFU shows up... so long fic...
*hangs head in shame*

Crawford: *sexy-leader-of-Schwartz-bastard-smirk as his glasses shine evilly* I knew this
was going to happen...

Rhole: *annoyed sigh* Don't start.... >_< 

Jessi: I say we just light a fire and make smores… 

Rhole: Idea! Do we have enough Farshmallow Cream? *glances at Farf* Nevermind.
Stupid question... 

Hiei: *wakes up, not too pleased to be in a fangirl’s lap. Said fangirl scrambles away to
aviod a NOT happy death, only to run into Farfie...*

Jessi: *meeps* Um... hi... 

Farfie: Your death would hurt God.. 

Jessi: O.O No it wouldn’t!! Kill the carrots! Their death would REALLY hurt God! I’ll go
get a blender! *scurries off*

Nagi: Isn’t this fic over yet?

Kuwabara: Quit yer complaining, Urameshi!

Yuusuke: Nani? I didn’t say anything...

ALL: *pause and look at Yuusuke and Nagi*

Jessi: *pokes Rhole as she hands Farfie a bunch of carrots and tomatoes* They sound...
the same.. 

Yuusuke & Nagi: We do not! 

ALL: *swirly eyed as they try to figure out who said what*

Aya: *looks around* Takatori??

Omi: Aya-kun... he’s been dead for a few episodes now... *sweatdrops*

Jessi: Why don’t you have some mint tea, Aya? It’s nummmy... 

Rhole: MINT TEA!! ^_____^ *lunges*

Jessi: *yelps and sidesteps as Rhole ungracefully lands into a convenietly placed coffee
table*

Aya: TAKATORI... 

Schu: Aya’s got a one-track mind. Well, most of the time... *wraps an arm around the
redhead’s waist as Rhole &.. Omi nosebleed*

Youji: *taps Kurama on the shoulder* Excuse me, ojou-san, but you have the most beau--
*stops and pales upon seeing that Kurama's a guy*

Kurama: *pulls a seed from his hair* Ojou-san??! *eyes darken as Rose Whip appears*
Mind repeating that..??

Botan & Keiko: *singing* This is the fic that never ends... 

Youji: *pauses while flirting with Yukina, not noticing the dark you-ki emanating from a
certain ultra-sexy Jagan master* Where’s that guitar music coming from?

Rhole: Guitar??! *flips through the script*

Jessi: *hands Rhole a cup of mint tea* Um, do we have a guitar?

Rhole: *happily sips tea* Not that I know of.. * groans as she tries to ignore sight of
Kurama restraing Hiei as he tries to kill Youji*

Jessi: *attempts to save Youji* Youji, LOOK!! A blonde, big-chested damsel in distress!
And she’s over 18!! *points randomly into studio audience, and luckily lands on Omi...*

Omi: *blinks* EH? And how'd I get out here?? *very confused look*

Jessi: Well, nix the big-chested part... ^^;;

Youji: *runs off to ‘save’ Omi, who’s not really in danger, but that’s beside the point...*

Ken: *attempting to pry Rhole off with a crowbar. Again... *

Rhole: *reluctantly releases Ken as she grabs her umbrella*

ALL: *run away screaming*

Rhole: *pouts* Mou... a few incidents with the Arabian government and you're branded
for life.. -_-() Jessi, would you see the ladies out? Things could get ugly.. *cracks
knuckles and smiles*

Jessi: Hai!! *escorts the YYH girls out as the Weiß, Schwartz and YYH boys whimper*

Rhole: *opens umbrella and snaps fingers as a huge glob of Farshmallow cream falls
from above.*

Jessi: *returns, eyes bugging out upon seeing main Weiß and YYH characters making
futile attempts to get out of the Farshmallowy goo.* WHAT did you do???

Rhole: *grins, ignoring the pleas, curses and death threats being shouted at her* What I
should’ve done 4 pages ago: ended this fic! 

Jessi: *whimpers* But what about Hiei... ? *points to a small figure wiggling and cursing
up a storm*

Rhole: Oh, he’ll be fine. *smirks* This’ll give them time to get to know each other.
*laughs*

Jessi: *brain overloads as she attempts to contemplate Kurama, Hiei, Youji and
Farshmallow Cream at the same time*

Rhole: Let’s go order pizza, ne?

Jessi: *big smile* Hai!! ^__^

And so this fic ends. Aren’t you happy? We are! Aren’t we, Jessi-chan?

Jessi: *babbling about Hiei and Farshmallow Cream*

Rhole: Owari? Whatever... *skips off humming Daijou-bu and dragging a babbling
Jessi-chan off*

-----
Owari...Right? 

Reading Room?