Ways to Respond To Predator Behavior
Ways to respond varies upon the person and the situation. This page also offers warning signs for adults and parents.
*Learning and understanding the truth about your past sexual abuse, (The who and how) is vitally important even if you do not have full recall of the trauma, which is common for survivors. And healing your wounds with the truth is extremely important. Not knowing the truth and not healing may and can debilitate you against another predator’s attacks. The truth, knowledge and healing can empower you to meet challenges in your life and may help protect yourself and your loved ones. *
The
book “I Know What You’re Thinking” is a great resource for learning how to read
people’s behavior, mannerisms and speech.
Remember sexual predators can be female or male, any race, educated or uneducated, and any body size. Sexual predators are skilled at terrorizing their victims; they thrive on the victim’s fear.
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If you feel strange about someone, trust your instincts. Your body doesn’t lie
it remembers predator’s patterns, behavior and smells. Get up and walk away from this
person, and you don’t have to explain why. Try to remove yourself safely from
the situation.
The most important action that can be done to protect anyone is to tell
someone what is happening or has happened. Secrets are the predator’s power. But
your power is yours to keep it is not to be taken from you.
Predators seek to control and dominate and will do so at all cost and
remember the cost is you. Predators will
explicitly threaten, blackmail or use any scare tactic to silence their victim.
With each attack, sexual or nonsexual, the predator will become embolden and
will seek to escalate their depraved actions.
Your power is in your words, not the predators. Predators can be stopped
before anything happens.
I realize it takes courage to speak out and it may be scary but you
must protect yourself. If you feel that
you cannot find your voice start by practicing in a mirror, say it out loud,
yell it, scream it, you will find your voice. Remember your voice is your
power.
If you feel threatened or uncomfortable by other adults,
start with a trusted friend. If possible have the trusted friend stay close,
never be alone with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable, has threatened
you, or attacked you. I also realize this may be difficult for those who are
stuck in the same family, extended family, traveling in a vehicle, working
environment and etc. There are many
different agencies that may be able to step in on your behalf, such as victim
units, crisis centers and many more.
Your voice, speaking out, speaking up, is protection. Please find your
voice, don’t let yourself be controlled and don't let anyone take your power. Please tell someone.
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If the predator attempts to cause a scene, such as screaming or demanding that you come back, when you try to leave, Don’t look back this is a ploy to get you to go back to the scene. Even if you have to leave your belongings, leave, you can replace belongings or you can get a third party to retrieve them. Leave the situation; don’t persuade yourself that you can handle the sexual aggressor, even if you have a large stature or the predator is a female, (size does not matter).
Also, realize that scenes are meant to demean a person, to get them
back under control. Our social instincts are to calm and rationalize a
situation, not to make a scene and cause oneself or others, (society) to be
uncomfortable. Therefore, as to make
public nice, we conform in situations that are uncomfortable. And predators
rely on our social manners; we don’t scream out or back, we don’t walk away
while being cursed, and etc. However, if you feel threatened, frightened or
uncomfortable by another’s behavior, public decorum, or rudeness is someone
else’s concern, I strongly recommend removing yourself from harm, your safety
is paramount. If you have to walk away, walk if you have to yell at the
predator, yell, be rude, and be your protector.
Do not get into the predator’s car, remember isolation is her/his weapon. Once inside a vehicle, you are trapped, you are a prisoner, doors can be locked, and if you attempt to jump from the car, the predator may speed up to make it impossible to jump. Never, get into a car, with anyone that makes you feel uncomfortable or has made a scene to get you into his or her car. Get somewhere safe, away from this person.
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If the predator has initiated a sexual advance and you respond with “No” or
“Not interested.” and the predator persist in aggressive sexual advances, leave, do not try to explain, do
not try to be polite, Leave and don’t look back. The potential for harm against
you is great, especially if you have been a victim in the past. (See Re-victimiaztion)
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If someone is insisting that you are sending mixed signals or demanding that you led them on. Leave, get away
from this person, this is a predator. Predators will try to control the
victim’s emotions and actions. And sexual predators will conjure up any obscene lie to try to justify their disgusting behavior.
There are those who will use any excuse to convince themselves that you want them. Sexual predators do not see people as helpful or friendly they only see others as potential victims. Decent people know and understand the difference between friendly and helpful and they do not cross the line; predators just do not care how much pain they cause others. Predators are psychopaths, therefore only her/his emotions and wants matter. Predators will use any situation to manipulate another. (SeeTypes of Sexual Predator Behavior)
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If the predator threatens to call the police and make false accusation, such as rape, violence, robbery and ect. The response is up to the individual,
according to how the survivor has progressed with the past abuse and the types
of past abuse. The survivor is the one who knows if they are able to handle a
bout with the police. A suggestion to respond with, ‘Good, may be the
police will get you to leave me alone’ or 'You are going to call the police because I don't want to have sex with you!' or 'I am not going to be blackmailed into having sex with you!'. The suggestion to respond in such a manner is done to disarm the predator, because the predator does not want to be discovered.
However, a predator who willingly plots and attacks another, will do anything to cause pain and fear. The best response is to escape before any escalation occurs and traps a victim, because escalation can also lead to violence. (I recommend, if possible learn how to read people, their manner of speaking, behavior and ect,; the book, "I Know What You're Thinking" is a good source of information.)
-It is possible to counter her/his bluff about calling the police, even if the predator picks up a phone and dials. The predator wants a victim not the police, but do not minimize the threat.
The use of the police as a weapon is a primary tool of female sexual predators against men or boys and it is used by both female and male sexual predator on children. Hence the statement, ‘You do exactly as I say or I will call the police on you'. It is done to invoke terror in the victim and to control the victim.
-Be aware of someone questioning you; listen to how questions are posed this may be a probing technique. - If you feel that a person you barely know is seeking information other than the general niceties, you may want to respond clearly to the person (without using the precursor “I’m sorry”) that you don’t answer personal questions. The point is to make the person aware that you realize that they are asking personal questions and to make her/him uncomfortable asking you invasive questions. If you feel embarrassed about speaking up for yourself or hurting the other person’s feelings, please remember that you could possibly be saving yourself from great harm. You are the one that is important, put yourself first.
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If there is someone that you have to be around, due to work or other reasons,
and this person insist on being near you or touching you or close talking or
needing to be everywhere you go. State to this person, ‘you are invading my
personal space’, ‘I am uncomfortable with the door closed’, 'I don’t appreciate
your behavior’. Any explicit statements that will convey you do not like this
person’s behavior and you don’t want her/him near or around you. And if
possible say this loudly in the presence of others and when you say something mean it. Predators look for any hint of fear, no matter how slight, they thrive on a victim's fear. The point is to make him or her uncomfortable, predators seek targets so don't let yourself be one. And it is never too late to stand up for yourself. Predators do not want to be discovered.
-The power is in your
words. This may seem simple or silly to you, but some find it very difficult to
say these simple statements. It doesn’t matter if it makes others
uncomfortable, the point is to be your own protector. Protecting yourself
against a predator starts with you.
There is a realization that the above may
not be conducive to your work environment or project, if this is the case ask a
third person to come in on the project or work or ask others to pop in and out
of the work area. This allows you to have some control and protection. If
others are aware that you are uncomfortable with a certain person this person
is likely to keep her/his distance from you at all times. Predators don’t want
to be exposed.
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If you are going away on a trip for work, activity, etc. and others are
supposed to join the group, make the extra effort ahead of time to call and
confirm with the others that they are actually going to be there. Don’t take
for granted that the person that set the trip up has your best interest in
mind, it could be a set up especially if you barely know the person arranging
the trip. And let others know where you plan to be and the names of the other
person or people that will be on the outing with you. The reason for this is
you are going to a place you may be unfamiliar with and people in the area do
not know you and anything can be said against you. Thus the statement, ‘No body
knows you here, they (authorities or friends) will believe me before they
believe you.’ Or ‘I can call the police and I will believed, not you.’ You are
the most valuable asset you have, it is important that you take every
precaution against harm.
-If
a predator covertly demands that you ride in her/his vehicle when out on an
outing with others. You may want to respond loudly in front of others when at
the vehicle door, that you are going to ride with another, and ask if she/he
has a problem with it. This may disarm the predator in front of others, it
demonstrates to the predator and others that you do not want to be in the same
vehicle, and it clears you of suspicious looks or questions. It also
demonstrates to the predator that you will not be controlled.
Sexual predators
always work covertly; predators do not want to be discovered. And if in a group
try to stay with others, it shields you from the predator even if the predator
is lurking around and aggressively trying to make eye contact. Predators are spineless she/he generally will not attack in
front of witnesses, but the predator will try to covertly control a victim in
front of others, she/he may even attempt a public scene to try to control their victim.
-If
a sexually aggressive person or predator attempts to grab at your body or does
grab you, if in public you may want to yell loudly ‘Stop garbing me’ or ‘Don’t
touch my penis’ or ‘Don’t touch my breast’, any explicit statement that will
draw attention from others. It’s not important if you get embarrassed about
raising your voice in public and it is absolutely unimportant if you embarrass
the predator.
And one certainly is within their rights to strike when being
grabbed, however it is important to use appropriate self-defense. *Violence can
lead to a trap, therefore yelling stop statements and striking would be better
than just striking. The point to yelling loudly where everyone will turn and
look is, it may stop the predator and it clears you. Remember predators do not
want to be discovered. However, if you
are alone, in a room or car and the predator starts grabbing you, start yelling
at the top of your lungs this might distract the predator and give you an
opportunity to escape. And physical force such as striking and mace may be
necessary for you to escape. The point to physical force is strike and run, not
to stay and escalate the situation, staying is what the predator wants from
you. Strike and run may be a difficult concept for those survivors who have one
protection method, violence. The predator may be a sadist and may escalate the
attack until it becomes violent. Predators are beyond depraved. Sexual predators know how to terrorize a victim into silence and submission.
The
fight or flight strategy can be used for other times, when it comes to sexually
aggressive people; flight is your best survival strategy. Don’t give it the
opportunity to harm you.
Predators
know how to trap a victim; your duty is to protect yourself. Leaving – escaping if it is possible is the
best defense. The Books “The Body Remembers” and “I Know What You’re Thinking”
are excellent resources for responding and reading people before things
escalate.
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If someone tries to engage in strong eye contact, simply state, ‘What you don’t
know how to blink?’ ‘Why are you starring?’ any firm or explicit statement that gets the predator to stop and others to notice that this person is staring at you and her/his strong eye contact is unwanted. Or do not look at the her/him, even if you have to turn your back to her/him. Do not allow her/him to look in your eyes, this gives the predator a sense of power.
Strong
eye contact or aggressive eye contact is a controlling method and by stating out loud to the predator it
disarms and takes the power away from the predator. You acknowledge that there
is eye contact and it does not control you, thus she/he does not control you. Or you can get in a crowd or among others and put distance between you and her/him.
The power is in your words.
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If the predator continues to call your home or work number the, “Call Blocker”
option may be an effective form of protection for you. This option may be
available to you by your phone company. Call Blocker rejects calls from a
specific number; the different amount of numbers that this system blocks may
vary. Also the “Anonymous Call Rejection” option allows you to reject calls
that have used a form of blocking that will prevent you from viewing the
callers number. Also keep a log of all calls, contact your telephone company
and notify them of these calls, this allows the telephone company to keep a log
as well. And record any messages that were left on your home or office
answering machine. The caller has already accepted that their message will be
recorded once a message has been left. *This is not legal advice. However, if
you cannot use the Call Blocker or Call Rejection on your home or work number, legally
recording a telephone conversation may be an option. *Do not record anyone without his or her consent.
According
to the Federal Communication Commission – FCC web site - “FCC protects the privacy of telephone
conversations by requiring notification before a recording device is used to
record interstate (between different states) or international wire line calls.”
“Questions or complaints about recording intrastate (within
the same state) wireline conversations should be addressed to your state public
utility commission. Your public utility commission should be able to tell you
whether recording is illegal in your state and who regulates recording
intrastate wireline conversations within your state.” (FCC)
For
more information please contact the FCC or visit the web site. This may or may
not be an option that is available to you. Research the laws before any action is taken and if possible seek legal
advice. The
ultimate goal is your protection.
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If the predator continues to send email messages to your work or home email
accounts; depending on the type of email account you have, there are options to
block email addresses. The email address block prohibits the blocked email
address from appearing in your email account. Research all the available
options. Also, if you have received
emails from a female/male predator keep a record of them.
There
is always the option of obtaining a Restraining Order, however, proof is
needed, therefore, messages and emails should be kept for your protection and
proof.
Female sexual predators/male sexual
predators will do and say anything to obtain control and to victimize another,
so it is imperative that you are diligent in your own protection. Never take
any person at face value. Remember predators will seem nice but this is a
potential trap. Sexual predators can be anyone, an acquaintance, someone you know professionally, care giver, etc. Sexual predators always portray herself/himself as a very caring, nice person, they have to in order to get to their victims. Always be aware of who and what you are with. The book “I Know What You’re Thinking” is a great
way to learn how to read to anyone.
Parents Ways to Respond and Warning Signs.
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If you have children, boy or girl, watch other adults and
children around them. Take the time to notice if there is anyone that seems
overly interested or concerned with your child or another child. This includes:
strong eye contact of others on a child, touching, hugging, rubbing on the
child, wants to give the child something alone, wants to constantly be around
or near your child or wants to watch/care for just one child over the others -
any behavior where there may be someone trying to isolate a child. Or someone
who seems to try to make your child feel special, praise, gifts, always
touching or near your child. .
-Response- Take your child away from this person. Get between this person and your child. And investigate, ask questions of the person, why she/he is touching or looking at your child. This lets the predator know you are watching your child and you are watching the predator. Children may be extremely fearful and may not be able to tell if something has happened. You have to stop any attack before it happens. You must be your child’s wall of protection.
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If the child disappears and so does an adult or another child, call for them,
look for them. Some children may hide from the person or the person may be hunting the child.
If you could not locate your child or your child did not appear when you called, realize something is wrong, even if it has been a few minutes. And if your child does reappear before or after an adult reappears, check the child over, look for any signs of abuse, flush face, red marks on arms or face, and other areas. Do not believe childhood antics or mishaps is the cause for all injuries. Children do not always get hurt from play..
Don’t leave a child unattended even if it is with someone you think you know. This may seem unreasonable, but watch with both eyes open, take nothing for granted.
If must leave your child with someone; Watch how the person acts
around or near your child. Watch the face, notice if there is any lingering eye
contact, lip biting, self-touching near or in front of your child. (*Most often
sexual predators are very adapt at covert aggression.)
Watch to see if the person seems constantly have her
or his hands on your child; or always seems to be near your child.
Watch to see if the person seems to isolate your
child away from you or other children.
Notice if she or he always brings your child some
gift or clothing or anything.
Notice if
she or he seems to always need your child to do something for her or him
or work on a project (again isolation). Look for wounds on your child, burns,
bruises - marks on the arms, wrists or neck, cuts, bleeding, and look at your
child’s clothing, is the clothing stained with something other than food or dirt.
Take notice and take action. Sexual predators watch to see how you act and respond to your child. Predators are on a constant hunt, and she / he will act.
-Investigate any disappearance of an adult
and a child, if you suspect anything, ask questions but get your child away from this person.
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If your child does not want to go to a certain room - to an aunt’s, uncle’s,
grandparent house, family member or friends house, you need to respond,
investigate, as questions of why a certain room scares them or why a certain house scares them. These are clues; your child is trying to speak, asking for help. Remember children are taught not to tell, and are told
terrible threatening lies and are very traumatized by the predator so the child
may not say right away what is wrong.
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If your child does not want to be around a certain person in any setting,
suspect something. Watch for your child’s behavior - fits, sudden sickness - anger - trying to get away from the person - behavior out of the norm - These may be clues - Ask the child and the
adult, why, but do not accuse your child. This lets the child know that you
want to help him/her and it also lets the predator know that you suspect
something is wrong and are watching and you will act to protect your child.
Sexual predators seek to isolate your child from you and others, they watch to see if
your child is being ignored.
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If your child does not want to go to a person, room or place, do not force your
child to. Find out why, ask questions and investigate. This lets your child know
he or she has some power over himself or herself. It is the beginning of
empowering your child, it gives them a voice. The book, “Abused Boys” explains
the powerless child.
- If your child has to go to someone’s house
for care or a day care, pop in and out unexpectedly on these caregivers,
without advanced warning. And do this often, and if someone calls and wants to
know why or when you are coming suspect something and remove your child from
the person or daycare.
-If
your child stays sick – gets angry often – gets violent – starts wetting the
bed – cries a lot – has nightmares – gains a lot of weight – losses a lot of
weight - or any behavior or sickness that seems odd suspect something and get
help. This is a gateway for helping your child; it lets your child know you
care enough to intervene in their crisis. Female/male predators will tell the
victim that their parents do not care, want or love him/her and/or their
parents will never help him or her.
*Not every child that has
health issues has been violated. It is the parent’s duty to get the appropriate
medical help for their child.
You
must be vigilant in your daughters and sons protection. And let your child or
children know that a sexual predator can be female or male. And it is never
okay to be touched in a way they don’t like.
Don’t
force your child to go to someone they don’t like, you are confirming to the
child that they have no power and they must submit. Let your child or children
get to know someone own their own terms. The book “Abused Boys” explains the powerless child in detail.
The
one true thing you can do for your child is to believe him/her if they tell you
something happened to them. Children never want to be abused no matter what anyone
says. It is never a child’s choice to be abused. It is your duty to protect
your child from harm.
-If
you have issues from your past, such as sexual abuse, neglect, your family's failure to protect
you, certain gender types or some family members, etc. please, seek help. Your child is the one that will suffer. A child should never have to carry the
scars of sexual abuse. And if you have suffered at the hands of a sexual predator, I am sorry, that you were hurt. However, you must protect your children. Please do not let the
trauma of your past lead you to fail to protect yourself or loved ones.
No
child or adolescent should have sex; children should be children, protected and
loved.
No
adult wants to have sex against his or her own will. No child or adult wants to
be physically restrained, tortured, threatened, terrorized or blackmailed by a sexual predator. Sexual predators know who to terrorize and how to terrorize their victims.
Speaking from the depths of horrors from my own past it is an unspeakable sadness that I hold when I know how I was forced to do things against my will. All present saw but at the same time dismissed my sickness, my wounds and behavior and did nothing to save me. I write from my own knowledge and the knowledge of others who suffered so horribly as a child and as adults. I see the physical and the emotional wounds. These are the things that can be stopped, my knowledge does not have to become the first hand knowledge of others. Sexual predators can be stopped.
We
all have a right to inherit our bodies. We have a right to our lives, to blossom into who we want to be.
And we all have the right to decide who and when we choose to share our persons
with. Children have a right to their innocence.
Sexual predators only stop if she/he is discovered and watched or dies. However, there are predators that do not stop even when she/he has
been discovered. *Again I am not advocating the death of a predator, I am acknowledging the fact that most sexual predators choose not to stop.
It
is impossible to judge everyone and living in a state of paranoia is exhausting
and dangerous. You have a right to family, friends and a social life. And there are good people in the world and
you are one of them. Trust yourself, educate yourself, help yourself, accept
yourself, be kind to yourself, and know you are worth loving. Nothing the predator
told you about yourself is true; you belong to you and no one else. You are entitled to your life.
So
please seek professional help and appropriate books, if you can, there are
good-trained therapists that will help you become the person you want to be a free person.
My email true_perspective@yahoo.com
Last revised 04-06