TOP 10 LIST (Stolen from David Letterman) Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Department Store Santa   10. He wears the Santa costume all year round. 9. Tells salesgirls that "Me and Mrs. Claus have an understanding." 8. After every toy request says "Yeah, right." 7. Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs. 6. Charges $5.95 for the first minute; $2.95, each additional minute 5. Every day around 10:00 AM, throws up on the down escalator 4. Keeps sending elves out for more vermouth 3. Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crewcut 2. Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush 1. He's packin' heat.

IN THE YEAR 2000 (stolen from Conan O Brien) Things that were supposed to happen last year..pretty funny stuff.. 1) Della Reese will star in a spin-off of Touched By An Angel, called Touched By A Huge Black Woman. 2) Crows will change their call from the familiar ''caw caw'' to the more interesting ''Hey, Kevin, watch me nail that mailman with my poo.'' 3) In a move that will shock the culinary community, french fries and french toast will disavow all ties to France, and ask to simply be known as 'greasy potato slivers' and 'egg bread soggies. 4) The echo will no longer simply repeat what you say, but will make sarcastic comments about what you say. 5) Fat men will begin loitering in restrooms with the invention of the ice cream urinal cake. 6) Fanny packs will be outlawed when conclusive proof links them with fanny cancer! 7) School attendance will soar as schools offer enormously popular courses in Chillin' and Stayin funky fresh 8) Kevin Costner will be forced to make a sequel to "For the Love of the Game", entitled "For the Love of All That is Sacred, Stop Making Movies." 9) The phrase ''the whole nine yards'' will officially replace the phrase ''the whole kit and caboodle,'' when 'caboodles' are linked to terrorist Osama Bin Laden 10) Not only will pigeons continue to poop on our heads from midair, they will also swoop down and wipe their butts on our foreheads. 11) Animals will take over the farm just like in the novel Animal Farm, but instead of setting up a failed communist regime, they will simply go poop in the house.    12) Cattle will run wild in the streets when all cowboys quit their jobs after realizing that wearing chaps is kind of 'gay' 13) Pop Tarts™ will lose popularity when they no longer just pop out of the toaster, but leap out, shake their fists, and in a voice choked with emotion, remind you that they're alive, dangit, alive! 14) The makers of Camel cigarettes will angrily deny charges that they're targeting kids with the new character in their advertising campaign, Smokemon. 15) Sales of Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo will drop off dramatically when they change their slogan from No More Tears™ to No More Face™!  16) Tired of being labeled as drunks by people of other ethnic groups, Irish people will get together, get drunk, and beat up other ethnic groups. 17) The irony of a submarine captain eating a submarine sandwich for lunch will be overshadowed by the fact that the captain's name is Steve Underwater.

DEEP THOUGHTS (Stolen from Jack Handey) It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

JERRY SEINFELD   (Various observations..funny stuff) On dating...   What can you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What so you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around?" See you around? Where is that? "If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people, though. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because I'm not going to be taking care of you. So you should take care of yourself now." "Take care, take care." What does this mean, "Take care?" "Take off." Isn't that what you really want to say? "Take off now. Get out of here. On time..   You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles." On speaking one's mind.. What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later." On mehanical problems.. How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

Deep Thoughts: Kid's Version Author Unknown From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey." (Although I find it hard to believe kids wrote these) My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15 Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10 Home is where the house is. Age 6 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13 The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age13 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15