How My Sainthood Leads Me to Kidney Failure
or
Prometheus on a Sugar High

A Tale from the COBAL Archives
Subject: The Mentos Question
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 11:50:52 -0800
From: ffungo@ev1.net
To: COBAL List <COBAL-LIST@COBAL.ORG>

Ooh - another thing - you know how I got named the COBAL Patron Saint of
Milking the System? It occurred to me that those Mentos commercials are
filled with people doing just that - the guy that sneaks through the
wedding line to get his soccer ball back, the guy who acts like a
photographer to get backstage, etc. Does this mean there's some sort of
connection between my area and Mentos, other than the one that the
marketers would like us to make? I've never actually eaten a Mentos
(Mento?), so I can't speak from experience. I was wondering if this
meant that I would start being held responsible for Mentos and/or the
actions of the loveable rakes in their ads.

Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 15:36:37 -0500
From: Rob Havelt <ROB@WDL.NET>
To: COBAL List <COBAL-LIST@COBAL.ORG>
Subject: Re: The Mentos Question
Message-ID: <34ccf3d5.1cdd989e@wdl.net>

I  am not sure that we will be holding you personally responsible for
what people do under the influence of "The Freshmaker"...

but, something not entirely unrelated...

I had this Idea for a mentos commercial a long time ago, and never
really got to sending it to the mentos people...

ANCIENT Jeurusalem --
People are selling sacrificial animals outside of a temple, money
changers are changing both money and witty banter to the throngs of
pilgrims who have come to burn a dove or a small goat to a blood thirsty
god...
and all of a sudden an enraged Christ comes out of nowhere, seeing the
desecration of said bloodthirsty father's house, he pops a mentos into
his bearded maw, felling instantly the state known as "fresh" he
overturns the various tables, and cages...
Some of the shocked onlookers gaze in fear, others in anger...

Christ then proudly displays his tube of mentos(TM) brand mints with a
proud grin, and seeing the intensely fresh candies, the shocked and
angry gazes turns to ones of jovial laughter, and amusement as they
realize that this transgressor is truly "Mentos fresh and full of life!"

Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 15:24:31 PST
From: "Jeremy Tose" <KOMATOAST@HOTMAIL.COM>
To: cobal-list@cobal.org
Subject: Mentos is a secret society
Message-ID: <19980126232431.9686.qmail@hotmail.com>

I too have wondered about those Mentos commercials, and I believe there
is a secret society of Mentos addicts that have a law that they cannot
get mad at other members (the showing of the Mentos package is a sign
that they are part of the Mentos cult and will force the person to
forgive all wrongs)..... I have not yet found out how they know their
victims are also part of the cult.

Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 21:19:25 -0500
From: Rob Havelt <ROB@WDL.NET>
To: Jeremy Tose <KOMATOAST@HOTMAIL.COM>
Cc: cobal-list@cobal.org
Subject: Re: Mentos is a secret society
Message-ID: <34cd442c.55dad96e@wdl.net>

Jeremy Tose wrote:

> is a secret society of Mentos addicts that have a law that they cannot
> get mad at other members (the showing of the Mentos package is a sign
> that they are part of the Mentos cult and will force the person to
> forgive all wrongs).....

AAhaaa! No doubt in league with other such secret societies as the
Bavarian Illuminati, Massochisistic Ordained Rite Ontologists in Norway
(M.O.R.O.N) - which is a really secret society consisting of one guy
named Dirk who may or may not live in the greater Columbus Ohio area
(hey he has a newsletter), The Free and Accepted Masons (always at the
heart of any conspiricy), The Stonecutters (from the Simpsons), and our
good friends/bitter enemies (depends on the day) The 0GLF...

I've heard of this, although they have an almost Jonesian controll of
those who would join the cult of "The Freshmaker" - potential members
can be heard on a clear night chanting the wicked mantra "Fresh goes
better..., Fresh goes better..., Fresh goes better..."
That is definately a therory...

> I have not yet found out how they know their
> victims are also part of the cult.

"Victim" is such a strong word...
consider this alternate therory:
The bystanders are not cult members, or victims at all, more like those
"chosen" to witness the unyielding power that is "Fresh", for it is only
through "fresh" that these European (and yes they are all European to
some extent) warriors can truly find salvation and all the spoils there
of...

I believe that it is common knowledge among all Europeans, that the
freshmaker can be a pretty potent high, and so when confronted with the
enlightened (or "fresh" as it were) Mentos(TM) taker, they simply go
with it, remembering fondly that at one point in their life they too
were "fresh".

I hope that I didn't step on any toes... It was a good theory...

Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 22:34:04 -0500
From: Rob Havelt <ROB@WDL.NET>
To: cobal-list@cobal.org
Subject: Beating the Mentos thing to death
Message-ID: <34cd55ac.3bfba461@wdl.net>

O.k.

My last mentos rant - I swear, no, honestly....

I just wanted to say:

Fade in to a Obviously European town:
Music starts up:

"Doo doo doo doo, doo-doo, do-Wah!'
It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, and Mentos is
fresh and full of life.
Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool, with Mentos, fresh and
full of life.
Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, fresh goes better with Mentos,
fresh and full of life!

The scene is a classroom, where a student who obviously didn't study is
trying to cheat on a test. The girl next to him catches on and tries to
obstruct his view of her test. The boy pops a Freshmaker, gets up, and
strangles the life out of her. He takes her test paper and sits back
down. The teacher, horrified and shocked at what just happened is
standing there, her mouth agape. The boy whips out his roll of Mentos
and displays them proudly to his teacher, who clearly will not punish
him now.

Mentos, the freshmaker!"
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 22:38:08 -0500
From: Rob Havelt <ROB@WDL.NET>
To: cobal-list@cobal.org
Subject: So I lied...
Message-ID: <34cd56a0.38cd4e05@wdl.net>

But this is the VERY last post I will do on this subject:

>From a concerned Perdue Psych student:

"I am currently negotiating with the Psychology department here at
Purdue, in an attempt to obtain a research grant for the purposes of
studying what I have termed 'the freshness effect' caused by consuming
Mentos brand candies. Although there seems to be no mind altering
substances contained in Mentos, individuals suddenly become aroused,
inventive, and lose all regard for the norms of society a short time
after using them. I've asked for $23,729."
Subject: Yeah, but......
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 1998 07:55:24 -0800
From: ffungo@ev1.net
To: COBAL List <COBAL-LIST@COBAL.ORG>

.....has anyone here ever *tried* a Mento? I've heard tell of a fruity
version, too, but I'm frankly skeptical that they could maintain the
level of coolness, freshness, and full-of-life-ness with something like
strawberry flavoring. The Mentos ad campaign is a weird one - the
commercials are extremely well-known, but nobody ever buys the product.

Do you know why this is? I'll tell you! Those aren't commercials at all!
Those are some kind of code messages! They gotta be! There's some sort
of elaborate system where the Mentos High Command issues subversive
calls-to-arms. Like this:

Woman breaks shoe, mangles other shoe while Eurotrash-looking guy looks
on: "Women of the Western World - throw off your propertairian
trappings! When you reject the roles that display you as objects, the
hapless males will only be able to gaze in awe at your innovation and
freshness!"

Car blocks crosswalk, guy goes through back seat: "Fear and tremble, you
bourgeoisie, as we are coming for YOU! You sit in your luxury cars, paid
for by mortgaging the opportunities of today's youth, but your security
is an illusion, for YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN TO LOCK YOUR BACK DOORS!! Today
we merely demonstrate our awareness of your vulnerability.
Tomorrow,....."

Both the guy whose bandana functions as a roadie costume and the kid
whose $25 camera makes him look like a professional photographer: "You
who have access to the avenues of power by your stranglehold on the mass
media, beware! We are young and Fresh and have scried the cracks in your
walls! Even now, we are beginning our infiltration and your minions
[bouncer & doorman] are powerless to stop us!"

The soccer ball-wedding one is the same thing - access to the halls of
influence, with a thinly veiled "Your women are no longer safe" element.
In what is one of the more naked grabs for power, the kid that makes his
own pinstripes on the park bench to gain access to the western corporate
world.

*This* is what Mentos is all about. Buying & eating the little candies
is for people who are missing the point.

Date: Tue, 27 Jan 1998 14:20:36 -0800 (PST)
From: jaywilson <JAYWILSON@ROCKETMAIL.COM>
To: ffungo@ev1.net, COBAL List <COBAL-LIST@COBAL.ORG>
Subject: Re: Yeah, but......
Message-ID: <19980127222036.27329.rocketmail@web1.rocketmail.com>

Mentos? Freshness? Ha! Mentos know nothing of freshness!
No, it is we, the Altoids, who hold and zealously guard
the secret of true freshness, and we spit--nay, void our
vital organs--upon your puny attempts to convince the world
to the contrary. You Mentos may be larger, and your roll
more manly in a trouser pocket, but our tin shall triumph!
Ha! Snork!
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 1998 15:01:21 -0800
From: ffungo@ev1.net
To: jaywilson <JAYWILSON@ROCKETMAIL.COM>
Cc: COBAL List <COBAL-LIST@COBAL.ORG>
Subject: Re: Yeah, but......
Message-ID: <34ce6741.5cf6@concentric.net>

jaywilson wrote:
>
> Mentos? Freshness? Ha! Mentos know nothing of freshness!
> No, it is we, the Altoids, who hold and zealously guard
> the secret of true freshness, and we spit--nay, void our
> vital organs--upon your puny attempts to convince the world
> to the contrary. You Mentos may be larger, and your roll
> more manly in a trouser pocket, but our tin shall triumph!
> Ha! Snork!

Now *that* is an interesting point. I gotta say, however, that I'd guess
that Altoids, while possessing superior mintiness, may NOT be able to
out-fresh the Freshmaker. "Mintiness" is a dimension that can increase
without bound, but "freshness" is the result of a number of different
attributes in a delicate balance. Altoids may be too minty for their own
freshness.

Even though this is something that Rob should probably do (what with him
being the TechSaint and all), I will venture forth this evening and
procure both Altoids and Mentos for systematic scientific trials. Don't
be surprised if I am fundamentally altered next time you hear from me.


Subject: Results of the Mentos Challenge
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 1998 07:09:31 -0800
From: ffungo@ev1.net
To: COBAL List <COBAL-LIST@COBAL.ORG>

Here are the results of my highly scientific experiment:

Item #1: Altoids
Appearance: Like somebody made them in their basement. The tin is nice,
though, and the tissue inside the tin adds to the anticipation (which is
why you should make undressing part of the act, but that's a different
experiment).
Flavor: Mint. And by that, I don't mean "minty", but "MINT, GODDAMMIT!"
They are the Platonic ideal of mintiness.
Freshness: I think that the depths of my sinuses were fresh. Everything
South of that had pegged the mintometer.

Item #2: Mentos (Mint Flavor)
Appearance: You know what they look like. In the interest of accuracy, I
tried to eat them like those lovable Mentos kids on TV. I paused,
adpoted a look that was pensive, determined, yet suffused with a
joi-de-vivre, then flipped a Mento into my mouth with my thumb. I got a
small amount of foil the first time, but with practice I perfected the
technique.
Flavor: A more reasonable minty flavor. They are, however, the chewable
mint, and by chewable they mean "sticky enough to yank the fillings from
your teeth."
Freshness: Pretty good, really. I put away half of a tube in one of
those late-night number crunching sessions. If I had tried that with
Altoids, I would have started to bleed through the eyes. I also had
Indian food last night, so there were two times where I had one of those
puke-burps, and Mentos were able to quickly but gently overpower the
unpleasantness.

Item #3: Mentos (Fruit Flavor)
Appearance: Like the Real Deal, but more colorful.
Flavor: Various fruit flavors, with varying effects. The lemon was ok,
but the strawberry.... well, let's just say that strawberry Mentos are
to strawberry flavor what Altoids are to mint.
Freshness: Ok, but not as fresh as the Mint Mentos. I put away half a
tube of these too (like I said, it was a tough night) and, while I
didn't get that "skittle"d-over feeling, it was close.

In short, Fruit Mentos are ok, but eat them for schlock value rather
than fruity freshness. Altoids are acceptable for use by large men and
small cattle. Mint Mentos got it goin' on, baby, but watch them
fillings.

Subject: Stern Warning to Youth
Date: Mon, 02 Feb 1998 08:49:17 -0800
From: ffungo@ev1.net
To: COBAL List <COBAL-LIST@COBAL.ORG>

Within 15 hours of the completion of the reckless but scientifically
vital Mentos experiment (in which I consumed two (2) full tubes, or
twenty-eight (28) individual Mentos) I got hit by a really nasty
sickness. Fevers, no appetite, really bad kidney pains. I don't know if
this was due to a Mentos OD or just a promethian punishment for pushing
human knowledge Too Far, but either way - please, kids, don't try this
at home.


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