Musings [And there is more as an unfunny comedian [in my time] would say]
Ver 0.2 totierne 27/5/2002
Complete Junk <---Vote now or the [puppy [insert nice jpg]] gets it--->I Kinda Like This S[tuff]
From the files of the man with no meaning:

Found my notes.. Does it help?!

The struggle to learn from yourself, to codify yourself, to develop your theory is a long one. So what.
Have standard questions/responses to tease out your immediate, 'would you like that?' responses. Why do you say that? Do you mean X (rather than and your point is?)? Be for, against, mean, but empathise 'I see what you are saying'. Do I talk in platitudes as those are the only things that make sense in My Brothers dialogues.
Or maybe they are only like our mothers because they share (un)knowing glances, and never really come out to play.[Thats a bit sexist, a reaction to what you do not do [well]]. The answer is to watch how the no sayers say, priests, women. And not be turned so easily by the sayers like My Brother.
My belief is that My Brothers way is not the way inspite of so many pointers to the contrary, and do I not become a mini My Brother at times.
I am not fishing for compliments I am fishing for dialog.
Better Above.
Worse Below.
One becomes detuned to goals, that is why companies lurch around and why mission statements were such junk. See anything long enough and your mind blanks it out cf skin deep beauty. So my notes and goals have to be randomly renewed and reexamined.
Compliments only distract. Dialog stretchs to infinity in all directions, with any desire in both parties. Maybe distraction is the purpose to put people off gaurd, but one should be going somewhere - but that is my constant refrain. Compliments are for shutting people up. You are so clever/handsome/beautiful/witty/slim - it all amounts to nothing - you have to connect, and none of the above help.
But you can rationalise anything after the fact as an experiment an incongruity a break with knowledge/tradition/etiquette.
Limited by criticism, walls built against it, without it the walls fall down and you have nowhere to expend your energy except the far horizon. There is always a limiting resource. Force my unconsious on seti and jangling keys, so that the far horizon gets all the durplus enegy so the near goal can be automated or attacked by the mind where necessary - is this the 1000 yrd stare of the nam veterans..
People react even when noone is watching - a waste of energy ? Practice for the Real Thing ? How can you concentrate and react at the same time. Let your face run free, cock your head and analyse later. Why do I demand more, why was more always demanded of me. What use is pleasure, it strokes what we should do, we force peope to laugh if we do not laugh ourselves . Me, the worlds straight man, in a straight jacket- there I mix my up and my down. Confusious would have been proud.
I watch a screensaver rather than peoples faces, to keep my mind. My purpose to keep a rattle everywhere I go, a distraction device to soak up the linking energy, but does that only bring my mind to produce more : a nation with no bounds, ready to run at full speed into the nearest wall a bad tron like mime. Tron misplaced, fits the wall not the mime: temporal shift. Does the mind really know time... it is an asynchronous device burning up like no earthly rubber.
I always form a non competitive niche leaving what is known to the people that know it, and trying to leverage furthur, but now I know nothing all I produce is rambling text. Maybe that is a plea for someone to critically value the word of me.
People use sport to give texture to their lives stright ups and downs with no real world grey sludge. There has got to be a better rough sander. No there has not to be anything. Maybe it is the best way it just seems more pointless than most maybe tribal is the word for it, it divides and unites, is that not all you want? I want a belief that it MEANS something.
Always take second or third best so you can fall back on your best option. Why? because the easy option may be a trap and expected and if not you can fall back there. Or maybe you can never see the best obvious answer, and you always ride for a fall.
People assume I have a path worked out, I am looking for them to collect my thoughts. I refuse to do so as I need smoke and mirrors to launch myself on the edge of intelligibility to hopefully find meaning in their heads when there is none in mine.
What stupid games are you playing now! blanking tara as she does to you maybe she gets off on (other) PEOPLE just like you, but everything has to have a meaning a connection. YOU ARE SO STUPID. You are cutting everything back to almost zero. Absolute. And it gets you nowhere- maybe sacked! But you have no plan B your back is not even to the wall - you deny the wall exists. You have a call back on the JD net. A reason to go on, a time delayed event, a post into the future of meaning, an external accumulated experience to tap.
do all the mental disorders roll into one attention deficit disorder, schizophrenia, manic depression, where does depression fit in, the ability to approach life differently where depression is a withdrawl from life- but social interaction can make you ride a wave, depression is the realisation thereis nothing, hopelessness inability to cope with negative emotions forces the brian to blank or the brain blanks in the place of uphill struggle. Its all about keeping on the people net and reaching outside of oneself. A node in the humanity net that cant be taken out by a nuclear strike.
Maybe my increasingly cynical adversarial views of reality are due to not being tied to society, not having my 2000 words a day vetted in conversation.
I will fight the adversarial system. The inquisition rides again. Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition.
Repeat your questions in try century of the self psychoanalisis style. If the listener is not going to treat you with respect why respect them. Tit for Tat.
these things you revere clips from movies and songs: that are all the product of 100 maybe 1000 people: you need to be able to aggregate, instead of being a random typing monkey.
That is my brothers and Dads problem: widely read, bullshiting nobodies, convinced every idea can only be created once: thats just x or myth y: the idea that one could regenerate or renew an idea, to make them anew, or shoot an idea beside and distinct from them, whether one was consious of x or y or not, is a foreign one. Grinding life forward should replace being set adrift. That is to say they are determined to transform flashes of silver even gold into mud. I only curse my time amongst those with nothing to say, who are determined to say it. By dismissing them do I turn into one of them? Everything turns into a question otherwise there woul be no dialogue.
Never commit only submit done work, have a pipeline on your desk, never commit to a schedule.
And you try to make the small movement of someones head into something of significance - where coincidence is the simplest solution. TYPICALLY ME.
my reaction to retreat into a shell, to blank the 'blanker'. Its a control thing, to ringfence that which I really want to know to run around its boundry like a kangaroo trying to circumnavigate a fence. To show a need is to be open to ridicule, to be vulnerable, there are options up to ascent/descent into madness. 'Jealous' is maybe too strong and blanker sounds like... banker... No she unnerves me, and I do not unnerve her, maybe she sees my 'nothing inside' logo. [Actually it is kind of Albatros blessed it unawares stuff. I can do nothing for her I suppose. I am a taker, and a seperator, never running towards, always doubting my instincts until fate leaves me no choice. Same with US defence projects guy in Edinburgh, same with GCHQ, same with Feranti, just try to make noise around the door, never ring the bell!]
Maybe the loss of attention being the youngest when moving from Warrenpoint to Trinity Dublin was the thing, years of reducing my presence/hassle factor, replaced... distracted... maybe to be intelligent was to be unintelligible, to drag people into your world like this document is to be tired in seeing no point in theirs. Forcing a code upon them that they could only ignore through breaking etiquette.
Information is always moving infoglut never stops. Maybe meditation or prayer or distraction is the only way out. Or getting into your job, Fool.
We are all sharletans building on sand, a stack of cards that keeps getting refined - i.e. more bits stuck on. Look at the ancients and see the choices they have made. This is not a thought, this is a declaration of my turning away from that which I have studied to bring clarity, simplification, better stories. This is a turning towards the past having seen the present holding nothing but distraction, what can ride above the surf, that has not seperated itself from it. The seperation is a myth one rides the serpent feeling with ones feet. Is that stanging on the shoulders of Giants? Or just more pastiches of mixed, broken, metaphors. Going boldly nowhere. Going nowhere - Star Trek, followed by Therapy, the surf is hard to escape, is the alternative to go under?
Write less - no one really reads it, distract with background music and shaking your head. My Sister pollutes with her mindless rubbish but is not prepared to put up with mine. She stops input by output, is she like me unable to gauge and measure her output, and listens only to the intonation not the text, always second guess. I am writing this for her not for me or maybe it is for both of us. Maybe I am just trying to bite back. I must have things to say to force through otherwise there will be only noise to filter out leaving nothing but the forlorn hope of something. I reuse my polluting words mutated in discussions with others.
I can get sacked [sick?] bum around, still doing nothing: Dr. dolittle, that is the worst that can happen: is that even worse than my current state of garbage, in computing terms I need to garbage collect gather stuff together and make utility. The current problems include: having specific technical problems to overcome that are basicly involving other peoples code. Working alone.
I have mapped the psyche and said too much the question is where to now: I try to take so much in and in so doing break my brian in two, I seek to work differently to grasp other metaphors and break out of the anti emotional trap, to step appart from the 1 and 0. In the antithesis I try to react directly with the computer in a literary way and balk at its complications. The synthesis is to come!
Taking Over The World: It is desparately funny: Laugh.

Displaying this junk on the internet I want feed back other people (may) want a dip trip of banter, so you want small chunks, de copyrighted and a feedback loop suggestions wicki or javascript with randomised chunks. alternatives large flat files or full all singing all danceing j2ee expose. My local solution could be done large. view bits view complete file: the names would need to be changed. This is self propaganda tieing yourself to a cynical public instead of sinking. Idiot. You are better off on the extreme bipolar heal thyself/learn about life [and the mind] meme.Oh yeah and World Peace, followed by anti gravity if I hit the easy targets. So I try to temper my if I build it people will come... well all you need is 1 in a fan club, or can you have a zero person fanclub in waiting? No I have to work out what people want, and how I can annoy them Comedian Hicks 2...

Keep your enemy thoughts close...

I put all this going forward junk on the walls but do I react against it? Do I see it and kick back. What does it mean? Do I really just need some random element in my life that I know I cannot control/know completely: a woman, a dice, kids, a novel. This sounds almost soppy. ALMOST ! There needs to be something to reach out to or am I really looking for something to lock into me, to push my insanity on to. A scapegoat. Do my stilted connection to the outside world just drive me further off the beaten path looking for meaning/treasure/apart-ness. Beckett in France. Arbeit Macht Frei- I write it as a rallying cry knowing it is from the concentration camps. Total Recall: EDGEMAR What's bullshit, Mr. Quaid? (reasonable) That you're having a paranoid episode triggered by acute neuro-chemical trauma? (derisive) Or that you're really an invincible secret agent from Mars who's the victim of an interplanetary conspiracy to make him think he's a lowly construction worker? It flips me over on so many levels, all obvious and not very deep: Am I really something special when all my externally references are to say no. Am I kidding my self or is this a known 'enemy'[thought] I keep close, rather than let it rage unmonitored.

Too comm or not 2 comm.

I even rationalise my spelling mistakes as one rights if it is flowing out of you it comes out like speach and the small amount of time we have got used to writing/typing is skipped over, the bit rate from the mind is not kept up by the fingers - so when one makes trivial mistakes it is often when we are at our most expansive, arguably the worst time to be pulled up. A friend of mine admits his spelling has gone to pot - because it is an automated machine doable task that we can deligate to the machine, the reader, the editor, the rewrite, the proof read. What does the reader think that one skips the polish? It gives them something to comment on to prove they were looking for trivia rather than meaning. Maybe being mean is the meaning. Everything falls back to unintelligibility, communication by voice holds ambiguity as part of its message to enforce feedback. Text is never quite enough and each re-evaluation fudges the sharp impact with polish. The human being is a clasic devise operating well past design and saftey limits.If you are not living on the edge you are: 1/taking up too much space 2/not pusing the envolope. Constraints are not blank walls but fractal devices to be forced into, or push further into, being forced into a hole seems [sensored], and not in a good way... Freud the charlatin [SP?] rides [oops] again.

Lost my notes:

Introduction:

I have a set of mini paragraphs, proto conversations for another time each one ending in a barb a hinge to wonder about the unknowable, lost love, future wars, or is that lost wars and future love? You get the idea a gratuitous question to try and pull the reader in, or leave my mind dangling, which side are you on or do you share the ramshakle fence I build for myself? So here I splurge out on a paragraph or two and the answer is... or is the answer for the end? Computers are useless: they can only give you answers (Picasso). Now I am going to spew other peoples thoughts. I seek like Nietzsche to say in ten sentences what would take someone else a book. No that is wrong: too asperational. This was an introduction and it is masquerading as the first few chapters! So this introduction was to throw a few curve balls at the reader and hope they would swing for one, even if it was only a glaring spelling mistake.

What I have to say is a reflection on all I have learnt and read and been affected by, whatever is in my speed of light action cone, or is there a person to person action cone...

Get Over It:

My brother committed suicide, so it pushes me to see myself in his shoes to show something of value to believe that maybe every step he did not transfer to us is a loss to humanity, if he was to die, let it be in a collessium, where each taught second on the rope had a quid pro quo each loss to humanity gauged against some great scale. Maybe I delude myself, it would no be the first time, I see him as a tightrope walker without a net, or maybe tired of the game leaps the net, to face his own maker. Religion is hard to bring in and hard to ignore, yet a cross of icons was on his computer, a coincidence or a deliberate sign. So he tried to commit suicide a few times, three at least, why could he not close the circle with us why could he not level with us, I went to see him in hospital and his favorite saying was there are a million stories in the naked city, all I could say was there are a million and one stories in the naked city. He will never hear u2's new album, or see Ireland win the soccer world cup or see the millennium celebrations, he dodged that draft by 7 days. He watched Schwarzenegger, 'End of Days' and I asked him about it and he said something about scary stuff: was it to someone who was going to end his days? I must cut down on the questions to weave the fabric of a scenario, let the casino wheel roll, I was going to say place my bet but I am not a gambler. So the question really is the 42 meaning of life? I spike the obvious reply, maybe we just pass it on to the next generation, we can pass on, our genes, our ideas, our motifs. That was going to be a question. This has turned out longer than I planned. Like I planned! Not a big planner am I. [in Yoda like conversational style]. Cormac had his moments. I seek to learn from him and carry his pointers deep inside. This was too long. In short he held so many things inside that did not really come out in his diarys. I see it myself, when you are beyond hope when you want to complain for the tenth time but it is wasted, the boy who cried wolf, what is the option to whinge onto a web page. I seek to drive an edge into what I do, I seek to try to 'sieze the prize', all I can do is dredge up some highly improbably hero roles for my future to give me strength, it is like electrivuting a boxer on the ropes to keep him going - but I am no boxer and in front of me there is a void and I can hold it back by examining its edges, but each time I look away it creeps in further.

Rage Against The Machine _OR_ Reach For The Prize

Oops indulgent that was [yep Yoda again]. I seek to gain knowledge of the mind [if mine is broken let it gloriously illuminate.] Hero thing again. Need I quote from my diary: dare I it always seems best when I am writing it: Our mind make experiments of every little thing [, almost like my questions], review every headline I read I reflect on the content before it is read. I then think what is new? Its an information thing. Storing hypothesis result and reflection sometimes leads to resolution but most times the pending transactions circle like flying pigs. The old Thesis:Antithesis:Synthesis could help to squash the odd pig. We have to fight something for control: our weight, our doctors, our parents, the media. What level of cynicism is health? Do we start to disregard what we are familiar with without reexaminations: hence mission statements are junk, hence endless sermons which are mostly junk but force us to engage to revoke. Maybe that is the secret to say absolutely nothing takes years of training, to only exist to react to ones environment and not build up a head of steam to say something: even if you do not know what it is. [Guilty your honour.] Trust noone, assume nothing, our previous memory only clouds us to the current conditions. We replay these games because we aspire towards getting it right first time without 'form'. Is that it? Sure memory is precious so we live context free in our unconscious which out conscious rewires. We seek new input and turn to people when we tire of inanimate objects. We try to hypothesis:experiment:review them but they are as complicated as we are so we only get maybe a stereotype except when it really matters: one on one. Read yesterdays paper in the knowledge of today - you have the future. Read a 400 year old book and see what has not changed and what is likely to. Make each experiment a 50/50 split so the universe cannot cheat and give you the information light majority decision. Of course you can always have an explanation for everything and go completely overboard: remember Occam's razor the simplest solution is the most likely. The eye probably works in a similar way seeing the headlines and making up the story until the error is corrected. The human being/mind etc is operating well past design limits. What was all that about, maybe an experiment to spill text out in the hope of it making sense in someone elses mind: setting myself as a savant who just might have something. Too asperational: break it down. Breakdown. Failsafe. I am just saying the scientific method and a wee bit of information theory in the brain could go a long way. I could have said that at the start. Would I have lost more readers one way or the other? My readership is currently one.

A Short One:

I do have snappier Confucious like four liners somewhere. Maybe I will try to end on one. Not only is the universe stranger than you imagine it is stranger than you can imagine - Einstein.

Conclusion:

I seek an audience. No actually I seek a better way to handle everyday life, I want the complete clockwork orange sell out. I want my work to answer my questions, or pose better ones. I realise my questions are mostly the questions of a six year old. Why, Why, Why? Basically I am sick of (society, work, sciences) braindump (telling what is known [by it] rather than answering the question). Is the sickness all those flying pigs circling in my brain? I should have ended there in truth I hoped all my answers would appear on the Internet and I could harvest them in my old age but I need to be a more active member of society to get the answers and maybe more importantly pose better questions.

Complete Junk <---Vote now or the [puppy [insert nice jpg]] gets it--->I Kinda Like This S[tuff]

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