TOPolk Productions

March 13, 2006

RAW Choice Cut: Animals - "House of the Rising Sun"

"I have become comfortably numb." - Pink Floyd

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just settle. To just stop pushing forward and deal with wherever I am in life. I mean in the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't be a bad life. I already have my Bachelor's degree. I've got a good job that pays well. There's a girl who loves me with all her heart, I'm sure if need be I could just stop and have a family with her. We could move to Florence and live happily ever after. Who needs goals, dreams, and aspirations? All of that is overrated. Notsomuch. While I could stop right now, I'd probably put a slug through my head if I just sat back and settled with everything. I'd feel as if I was leaving something on the table. I want to at least try, fail, try again, and possibly fail again before just tossing in the towel.

"And recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you" - Baz Luhrmann

In the same breath, I look back at certain people and go, "What happened?" While I'm not a fan of anyone settling, I'm even less of a fan of people just wasting their potential. People who have the tools and the talent to make something of themselves and just - don't. They take the cards as they are and go from there. No planning. No further training. No education. No goals. No nothing. And the sad thing is, these are the same people who go, "Well things just never work out for me." How can they? If you're not putting any effort into yourself, why should someone else?

"Somebody told me success is the best revenge." - Kanye West

But at the same time, I shouldn't be so judgmental. To me what I see as wasted potential (in some people - others are just lazy) is actually how they planned life all along. Some people their only goal is to get married and have a family. That's all. Or they just want to find a good job in a plant and do that for 35 years. And while I see that as selling yourself short, to others that's all they want out of life. And really, nothing's wrong with that. As much as society says otherwise, there is no real "measuring stick" as far as success goes. No one says you have to have a six-figure income, 2 cars, 2.5 kids, and a beach house to be successful. The only real measuring stick you have is inside of you. 30 years from now, if you can look back and go, "I accomplished everything I wanted to do in life and I'm happy in how I did so," well then I'd consider that a success.

"That's me in the corner. That's me in the spot light." - R.E.M.

Religion is complicated. It's been hard for me as of late to find a church I feel comfortable in. I grew up a fairly even mix of Catholic and Methodist (both African and United), so I'm pretty much open to anything as far as Christianity goes. But at the same time, I don't discredit anyone else's religion just because it isn't what I personally believe in. Why should I slight Judaism, Buddism, or Mulism teachings just because I didn't grow up that way. Also, I like learning - I want to read the Koran because (from what I gather) its almost a supplemental book to The Bible and the Torah. But even with all the stuff the goes on inside my head, its not there that makes it complicated - it's the outside part. People who go to church just to look good. People who shake your hand and smile and talk bad about you behind your back. Bringing political agendas inside the church. Do I like George Bush? No, not really - but I really don't care to find out if the Pastor likes Bush or not. How do I feel about abortion? I'm pro-choice. You're gay? Fine, just keep your penis away from me. Those are my stances. Unfortunately, most churches don't see it the same way. That's what gets to me. I think what I'm looking for is just a church that uses parables and metaphors to get the point across. Give me some direction, and let me find my own way. Don't try to put blinders on me and tell me that this is the only way. It doesn't work like that.

"Cease to exist. Give them my goodbye." - Pixies

I had a friend tell me the other day that I have a switch inside of me. A switch that determines who I want to associate with and who I don't. A switch that determines when I want to show emotions and when I don't. I told her she's right. Damn near 100% right. It's real simple to be to "turn off" someone when I want to. It doesn't take much. It's just that if it gets to a point where people stop acting rational, the switch gets flicked to off. Why should I waste time and energy to relate to someone who doesn't want to be related to? When they're ready to act like they have some reasoning based on some form of logic, I'm more than willing to associate with them. I don't have time for games.

Financial Tip: The key to saving is to save before you spend, instead of saving what you have left after spending. Pay yourself first.

"Room by room patiently. I'll wait for you there, like a stone. I'll wait for you there. Alone. Alone." - Audioslave

As of late, I've been happiest when I've been the most alone. It's been comforting. When I get home from work, I turn my phone off (or I screen my calls). I don't spend much time on AIM. I blog sporadically. I drop in and say hi to my family, but unless they come find me, that's usually the last I see of them until the next morning. I've been spending a lot of my free time reflecting on things, exercising, or just sitting in front of a box fan playing PlayStation. Occassionally, I like to sit on the sidelines of life and watch everything go by. Which is funny, cause this time last year I was miserable because I was forced to watch from the sidelines. Things change when you have an option.