Comic book movies are big these days. That's not news. Four color flicks have been enjoying Hollywood green for several years now and I make the same fucking statement every time I review a comic book movie, so I'm going to stop doing so... though as a fanboy who was forced to watch my medium of choice suffer through abominable adaptations and popular culture ridicule for most of my life, it does give me a sense of satisfaction to be able to say over and over again that the hobby I've been defending since I was 10 no longer comes with the attached stigma it once did... or at least not as much stigma. Anyway, on to the blood and glory and dinner plans with Satan and so forth.
If you thought Fight Club and Gladiator were the kings of macho, alpha male, sweaty, beefcake, homoerotic celluloid fantasies, there's a new contender for the throne. The Drag Queen king (and self-proclaimed deity) Xerxes has made his kingdom of Persia one of the most fearsome cavalcades of conquering might to ever lay claim to a chunk of dirt. Because of his small penis size, the effeminate juggernaut of ambiguous sexuality demands that every kingdom around him pay him tribute of "earth and water" to keep Persia from coming down on them and taking everything instead. Spartan king Leonidas has never been the type of guy to yield to anyone (except his wife) and has been fighting for his life since birth, beaten and hardened into a stone tribute to Spartan discipline. When some nancy-boy Persian comes into the home of the Whopper, verbally bitch-slaps the queen, and starts making demands, it wouldn't be wise for said Persian to be making those demands in front of a giant hole in the ground. As anyone who's seen the trailer already knows, Leo reminds the goon where he is ("This... is... SPARTA!"), lays sandal to solar plexus, and his men send the rest of the mooks down into the pit after their boss. Now THAT's diplomacy! Don't get preachy, get kicky!
Unable to make executive decisions like going to war on his, Leo has to answer to a council of inbred perverts living on a mountain called the Ephors before he can make a pre-emptive strike against Persia. Despite his promise that Spartan battle strategy and skill will easily overcome Xerxes' superior numbers, the Eph's deny him his war (if only Bush had to answer to his bosses for once like our government says he's supposed to...) and it looks like Sparta's left to wait for the proverbial kingdom-wide ass raping that will be Persia's retaliation... until Leo's wife Gorgo (what the fuck?!) nags him enough to go against the orders of his superiors, he grabs a small contingent of 300 "bodyguards" and heads out "for a stroll". Should any Persians get in his way, well then, look forward to more of the king's "diplomatic methods"... good thing I'm not orating this review, otherwise I'd be getting arthritis from making those stupid parenthesis motions with my fingers all the time...
On the march to head Xerxes and friends off at the proverbial pass (or the literal pass in this case), the Spartans are met by a contingent of Arcadian troops there to join them in the fight against the Persians. These guys are all weekend warrior types who normally spend their time as artisans and craftsmen and only take up arms when it calls for defending their country. They're the coast guard to the Spartans' Navy SEALS. The only real purpose they serve is to stand next to the he-men and make them look even bigger and scarier by comparison, much like the ugly girl on the cheerleading squad or the fat people at the gym that everybody looks at and tells themselves, “Dear God, I’ll kill myself if I ever get that bad”.
The violence is of a scale all it's own as the good guys spend the rest of the movie slaughtering the bad guys, cutting waves through faceless spear fodder, ninja gremlin mercenaries, grenade tossing phantoms, charging beasts from the veldt and even the retard strong juggernaut ancestor of Sloth from The Goonies like a scythe of flesh and steel through a field of wheat... blood spewing, screaming, decapitated wheat. Meanwhile, back in Sparta, it's politics and intrigue as Queen Gorgo (again, what the fuck?!) tries to convince the Spartan council to send the rest of their army out to backup Leo and the Good Time Happy Fun Hour Gang before their determination means squat against a half-million guys all looking to get a bonus in their paychecks for bringing home some Spartan heads. You gotta have a little suspense and intrigue in between the graphic violence and shouting, right?
The whole movie is an orgasm for the eyes. Everything beyond the human characters is about 96% computer generated, but it’s done really well and, as was the case with Sin City that fits the source material perfectly. Even the friggin’ end credits made me want to keep watching! Director Zack Snyder did everything right and I hope he brings the same talent to Watchmen… provided something else doesn’t go fucking wrong with that movie and he becomes the 300th director to drop out. Har har. Anyway, Gerard Butler was the most fun I’ve had watching a guy chew the scenery since, well, the last time I heard someone use the term “chew the scenery”. I remember him being pretty good as everybody’s favorite plasma gorger in Dracula 2000, but seeing the guy go all out is just awesome. He’s bad-ass, he’s funny, he’s muy macho. You know the term “men want to be him and women want to be with him”? It was created 40 years ago by someone who traveled back in time after watching 300 for the strict reason of giving it enough time to percolate into proper awesomeness for 300’s release.
The only problem is that this is guaranteed to be the motivational movie that every high school football coach shows to their team during training camp for the next 30 years. When a comic book movie does that, it’s both a sign of the end times and a reason for fan boys to hang their heads in shame when the guy beating their ass for beer money is shouting “THIS IS SPARTA!” while doing it. Stupid irony… always being ironic and crap...
