Getting ahead of myself, sorry.

I’m not even going to bother to watch this a 4th time. It’s not necessary. I think I can point out just how awful it is with a re-cap and sharing the horrible images burned into my grey matter. Roll with it and you’ll be better off than I, who actually watched it 3 times. Trust me.

Ok, we’re back on Amity Island. Roy Scheider’s widow and one of his sons are STILL FUCKING LIVING THERE, even though there were two (2) hideous shark attacks. The son (I didn’t bother to remember his name, but he’s the younger one) is now doing his dad’s old job. Oh, and it’s Masmas (I mean X-mas), as if that’s important. After some sickening family shit, it’s on with the show. Seems there’s a stuck log or something and Baby Roy is the only one available to go and get rid of it. He passes the children’s choir singing whatever you sing on that stupid holiday as he hops in his boat to free the town of the hideous rogue log. The shark kills him.

Ok, that’s not nearly as ridiculous as these assholes filmed it. They let us know the shark is there with their thrilling “Shark-O-Vision” first, to make sure that we’re not in suspense or something. I guess it’s so we don’t have a heart attack when it bites his arm off. Here’s the thing, though: there’s already blood in the water when the shark leaps to attack him. Wha? Oh, and I guess that whole Masmas thing WAS important, because while he’s screaming for help, the choir is singing in joy, therefore covering his cries. Brilliant, movie. Fucking brilliant. Then, I don’t know, the shark attacks and pulls him from the boat or he falls out and grabs hold of that pesky log. Both are pulled down into the water. Guess which one pops back to the surface? If you guessed the “mysterious log”, you’re getting a free log! (It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood!) Then the boat sinks, lights shining, and all. Come on, somebody could spot that stupid log in the dark but they don’t see a sinking boat? Aggh!

Alright, I’ll try to rip through the movie. Big Bro comes home to console mom and shit. She thinks the shark purposely came for Baby Roy, which is just fucking nuts, so I don’t blame Big Bro for thinking the same as I. He convinces her to come to the Bahamas. As they leave on the ferry, you get another thrilling look at that fantastic log! I hope the log keeps making appearances throughout the movie. So far, it’s been the best thing about this goddamn mess.

In the Bahamas, Ma Scheider is still freaked about anyone being in the water, even though great whites don’t particularly like warm water and have never been known to vacation there. She’s still convinced the damn thing is sadistically hunting them down. Stupid bitch.

But wait! The movie is giving us definite signals that this mindless dinosaur HAS ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THEM TO THE BAHAMAS! WTF, movie? WT-HOLY-F is that about? I think I’m going to smash this disc. Wait, it’s not mine. You’ll never guess who I got it from. If you guessed “Quill” then you get a free piece of shit rubbed in your eyes, just like me!

So, disbelieving Big Bro is attacked by the shark, but lives. Strangely, it only attacked him and left the Jamaican dude (a Van Peebles) alone. But Big Bro doesn’t want mommy to know what happened. What a loving son, he is.

Mom falls for pilot guy (Michael Caine, that poor, poor fool.) and forgets about malicious, vengeful (and vicious) sharks. Big Bro and Van Peebs try to study it. A bunch of stupid shit happens and then… then… oh fuck… EVEN STUPIDER SHIT HAPPENS!!!! (I know “stupider” is improper grammar, but it fits this movie, so suck it.)

I have to describe the end to you, in order to spare you the agony of watching this willingly. Here we go:
Mom gets pissed off at the shark and steals a boat to…what? I dunno. She has no weapons or anything. She just steals a boat to go after the damn thing. Good planning. She must not have been a Girl Scout. Big Bro, Van Peebs and poor, poor Michael Caine fly after her. The 3 dudes crash the plane into the ocean, next to her boat. The two young-uns get to the boat, while Caine is attacked and goes under with his flying machine. But he’s not dead! No, they haul him up, soaking, and when he’s on deck his hair is moist but his clothes are completely dry. Eh? I don’t think these fuckers even tried with this flick.

So, Van Peebs creates a shocking-device out of a flashlight then goes out on the stick thing they have on the front of boats (I don’t know what the fuck it’s called. Ask a goddamn pirate.) to shove it down the sharks throat. He gets it down, but the shark gets him in his mouth, breaking the stick thing in half as he does it. Van Peebs is dragged down bloodily. Yay, shark! No more annoying fake Jamaican accent.

Now, Caine (poor, poor man) gets the boat working and they want to escape, but Mamma Schei turns the boat directly towards the damn shark. Again, what does she expect to do? Bump it to death? Big Bro activates the flashlight and the shark (are you ready for this?) roars in pain. IT FUCKING ROARS! Not only that, but it sounds like King Kong from the 1976 remake. Bro turns on the flashlight, again. Another fucking roar. (God, I can feel my brain cells dying.)

Finally, (here it comes) it roars as they get really close and Muddah Schei-Schei has a flashback to Roy in the first movie saying “Smile you son of a bitch”. Ok, flashbacks, when used correctly, can be effective. But here’s my problem: She wasn’t even there when that happened in the first flick. *sigh*

So, as she has an impossible flashback, the shark helpfully STANDS ON ITS’ TAIL in the middle of the ocean, so that the broken stick thing can poke it. Then the shark explodes.

Yes.

It explodes.

There is no reason for it to explode but the damn thing fucking explodes, anyway. Not only that, but it explodes three (3) times. I know they don’t really mean that it exploded 3 times, but come on, guys! Did you learn how to make a movie by watching Godzilla vs. Megalon?

And somehow, Peebs is alive. Fuck you, movie.

Whew. Glad I got that out of my system.

I’ve left out so many things in order to try to keep the sanity of the public intact. There’s the pointless raping, err, ”recreation” of scenes from the first flick that are so cutsie as to make you never want ice-cream again. There’s no mention of the events of the 3rd movie, which featured both brothers, I believe (that movie is for some other day). The horrid so-called special effects (Speilberg had no choice, but you should have followed suit, you fuck-tards!). Stupid sub-plots. A smart shark that moves logs around (admittedly, a very fine log), knowing that a Brody would have to come and fix it? Are you kidding me? It knows they went to the Bahamas? Does this shark have a detective working for him?

FUCK! I HATE THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!!!

The only reason it got ½ a smiley is ‘cuz there was blood, even if it was there when it wasn’t supposed to be, sometimes. Oh, and that fabulous log. I miss that log. I wonder what ever happened to that talented log? Is it doing toothpaste commercials? I’d like an autographed picture of that stupendous log.

Oh, and that whole “poor, poor” Michael Caine thing? The dude won an Oscar and couldn’t be there to accept it because he was shooting this piece of shit. Poor, poor man.