I didn’t even like the new FF, so why would I subject myself to the Roger Corman version that never even got released?

Cuz I’m a big bag of douche and I love shit.

If you’re reading this site, I hope you know who Corman is. Attack of the Crab Monsters? Little Shop of Horrors? Various other low-budget, yet entertaining pieces of Count Doo-Koo?

Corman got the rights to make this film, didn’t have a lot of money and basically got screwed. They never released it, so they could have the rights to make it with a proper budget and what the fuck ever. And by “they”, I mean the guys with the money. If the movie hadn’t been made, they would have lost the rights, but by making a cheap shitty piece of crap, they could keep the rights and do it right. Yeah. That worked out. (Do a search and figure out what really happened. I can’t be bothered to school you.)

Shall we discuss the trailer, first? Yes. We shall, indeed, do that.

I have to say, the music is pretty damn ok. But the trailer is just a bunch of random shit cut together. And I love the shot of Doom clacking his fingers together. He’s so EVILLLL!

The movie, proper, begins with lots of shots of planets and stars (2001 was made in the ‘70’s and that looks top-class, compared to this shit) and then the guy from “Punky Brewster” shows up as a teacher. (Oh, and btw, Punky gots huge tits, nowadays, for all y’all guys that had a crush on her, like I did.) And fucking kryst he’s overacting.

What is this fucking game that Johnny is playing, even about? And who the fuck is who? Who are these people? OMG, that little girl is gonna be Sue Storm? The invisible girl? She’s 10!

Am I supposed to give a plot synopsis, or something? There’s a comet coming by Earth (as explained by the “Punky Brewster” guy) and Reed (Mr. Fantastic) and Victor (Dr. Doom) are trying to get energy from it, or some such bullshit. Doom gets fried by really fake looking animated lightning. At least in this flick they establish that Reed and Doom were actually friends, instead of corporate enemies, like in the new movie. (And, yes, I might just reference the new movie in this re-cap.)

Ok, so if Reed doesn’t let the two kids come on their space-trip, they’ll be unhappy? They’re going to fucking SPACE! And oh my kryst! That little girl is Sue Storm! And that old bitch just called them “The Fantastic Four”! AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

Did I mention there was a little troll running around fucking shit up? Yeah, he really likes diamonds and steals the one supposed to make the second attempt at harnessing the power of the whatever-it-is work. Well, little fuck-hat steals the real “diamond” and replaces it with an equally ridiculous looking mass of shit. This causes our “heroes” to be intercut with more 2001 edited scenes, which gives them their budgetary limited powers.

So, Reed can stretch, Sue can turn invisible….do I really need to tell you this shit? You know what they do, just be informed that they do it in the cheapest and most ridiculous ways possible.

I’m gonna take a moment to talk about Doom, here. He hasn’t really shown up as a true character, but I have to say that they really did him more justice than the new FF. He’s got the mask, he’s not turning into metal, he’s just a guy who’s face got fucked up and he rules Latveria. Now, we haven’t gotten to his “acting”, which really means gesticulating with his hands in an over the top manner, but at least he’s fucking Dr. Doom. How did the new FF fuck that up so bad? Idiots!

Back to the story. Our heroes are trapped in the middle of nowhere and just discovering their powers. And they’re still shitty looking.

Oh, and the chick playing Sue Storm makes a more believable Sue than Jess Alba. Alba is hot, don’t get me wrong, but she’s not Sue Storm. (And Doom just came back on and he looks ridiculous. But still better than the new FF.)

Oh, fuck me! Back to this Jeweler, Diamonder, Dumb-Shitter guy, again. Is he supposed to take the place of the mole guys from the early comics? Am I supposed to care that he wants the blind girl that Ben Grimm (The Thing) wants to fuck? They barely even talked and we’re supposed to be worried? Stupid ass-fucks.

I have to mention that Corman didn’t have a lot of money, but the director really made the most of what they had.

Ok, here I go referencing the new FF in comparison to this piece of shit. Now we’re talking about The Thing. I know that he didn’t start off looking like a bunch of rocks, but that’s the one we all know and love. And this version is obviously where they spent all their money. Animatronic lips and eyes and whatever. It looks great. The voice sucks and he says “It’s clobbering time” way too much, but it’s better than that melted butter looking Thing that’s in the new one. On with the show….

I was about to mention the montage of doctor tests, but Doom just showed back up and he’s fucking hilarious. Clicking his fingers together and trying to emote from behind his mask.

So, this Jeweler stole the big-ass diamond to impress a blind chick. Does that make sense in anyone’s mind? She can’t even see it to appreciate it. WTF?

Why am I even trying to ….Oh God! You…What? This is absolute shit.

I can’t hear a word he’s saying through that fucking mask. Good fucking shit-kryst!

I still can’t understand anything coming from behind that mask. Dammit! (At least he’s not turning into metal.)

*pushes the pause button* So Mr. Fantastic uses his uber-powers to trip people? Are you shitting me? Fuck! I can’t even watch this as an actual movie.

So, Doom sent his helpers to kill the FF, but after they escape, he walks in and starts talking to them. Then goes “Hmm”. What is that? He wanted them dead, but wanted to come in and taunt them after they were dead?

And here’s where both versions of the FF meld. Reed stretches himself too much, Johnny is a hot-head, Sue feels ignored and Ben is a hard-headed-ass. Wow. So fucking deep.

Oh, fuck me. Doom just waggles his fingers and waves his arms. That’s AKTING!

My main problem with the new FF was that they caused destruction and then tried to look like heroes by fixing the shit they caused. That’s not a group of super-heroes! That’s a group of idiots that fuck up and then try to cover their asses. At least in this shitty movie they figure out their powers and use them in retarded ways. Like tripping people. Oh, and outrunning a laser. Cuz that’s believable.

I’m giving up, guys. This is a live-action 80’s cartoon. I enjoy it more than the new one, but it’s still absolute shit. Bad writing, acting and FX. At least Doom looks like Doom, though. That’s all I got for ya.