I think we all know by now of Charles Band's well documented case of obsession with small objects, right? I mean, after stuff like Dolls, all the Puppet Master movies, Dollman/, Bad Channels, Blood Dolls, Totem, the little impish title characters of the Subspecies series and his numerous roles for midgets and dwarves in his flicks, it's obvious, right? Well, if it's not and you're just as thick skulled and ignorant as your mom always says, then Demonic Toys should be the last tap to finally puncture that mass of bone you call cranium... provided you know what the word "cranium" means.
As you can hopefully gather from the title, this is a film about demonic toys. The opening credits are very reminiscent of Puppet Master, with foggy, golden hazed images of the title antagonists while the standard names fade in and out. A cool technique for opening titles that beats the crap out of the bland and basic openings Full Moon uses today. Could this well laid out opening be the premise to an exceptional movie? Are bears Catholic? In other words, just keep readin'... Our story begins with officer Judith Gray (delicious dish Tracy Scoggins of "Dynasty") and her live-in boyfriend/co-worker Matt as the two are doing some undercover work with the intent of taking down some no-good gun runners. As is the case with most cinematic scenes like this one, Matt fucks everything up and this shit hits the fan big time. The boy wonder pays for his mistake with a shotgun blast in the chest, leaving Judy alone to chase the villains into the nearby Arcadia Toys warehouse. Since this IS a movie about playthings possessed by evil demonic entities, this can't bode well for our heroine or anyone else involved. Elsewhere in the warehouse, big hairy sack of fat beard-o security guard Charnetski (sadly NOT played by my favorite living joke, Dan Haggerty) watches Puppet Master II and orders himself a heart attack in the shape of fried chicken. Delivering the bucket o' cholesterol is Mark (played by Robert Mitchum's grandson, Bentley), a bad-ass anti-hero type... well, as bad-ass and anti-hero as a fried chicken delivery boy can be I guess.
Not exactly the best guard in the world (or in the rent-a-cop agency he comes from apparently), Judy's presence and that of her quarry go unnoticed by the bloated Charnetski, as well as Mark. Speaking of which, one of the goons was injured, bleeding profusely as he crawls across the warehouse floor and onto a section of the floor emblazoned with a pentagram... hmmm, wonder what that's doing in a toy warehouse. Like the inconsiderate bastard he is, the guy bleeds all over the mystic symbol, and before you know it the toys begin to come to life and the movie really gets underway! Their first act? Kill the guy responsible for their birth, as all evil summoned creatures do. So, in a hail of teeth, claws and laser beams, the criminal expires, all the while a kid with a satanic air about him watches on. Meanwhile, the as-of-yet okay partner winds up locked in a storeroom with Judy, who's gone all femme fatale on him and beaten his ass bloody, handcuffing and showing you don't need to get laid to be whipped by pussy. Eventually all her noise and calls for help catch the attention of our oafish rent-a-cop, and he and chicken boy come to their rescue, unlocking the door and making the world safe for creamed cheese and over-priced fossil fuels. The End... suuuuuuuuuure it is. Fatty Charnetski heads back to his office to call the police and inform them on the situation with the captured bad guy and the one still loose in the warehouse (which we all know ain't so free no more), but is stopped short by our gang of flesh-eating anarchy action figures, who have great teamwork for black magic refugees from a toy box.
Tubbo's shot by Baby Oopsie-Dasie (the leader of the Demonic Toys), strangled by the sinister Jack-Out-Of-The-Box and mauled by the not-so-cuddly mutant bear Teddy before Oopsie finishes him off with a stab in the crotch... oye! This plays as a good lesson for everyone that there's strength in numbers. In this case, even a posse of plastic goblins no bigger than a foot tall, when coinciding as a team, can take down a man as fat and bearded as Charnetski! Judy, Mike and the subdued bad guy can only watch on in terror from the storage room, as Fatty locked the door behind him for safety reasons until he was to return. At this time, a runaway girl enters into the fray, dropping into the room via the ventilation ducts. She provides a little exposition for our heroes, telling them all about the possessed play things and their current efforts to seal off the warehouse exits so no one can escape. With little other choice, Mark McNugget joins the shabby homeless chick and the two crawl through the ducts in search of escape and in the hopes of getting to a phone. I hope they don't fuck up like most horror movie victims when they find a phone and tell 911 what's really going on. We all know in movies such as this that when an operator hears "we're being attacked by homicidal dolls", they tend to laugh, complain or just hang up. Here's another lesson for you kiddies, if you're ever in a situation similar to this in it's flat out unbelievability, just tell the cops there's a fire or a break in and don't mention the killer toys until they get there. I feel like a public service announcement...
While scurrying through the vents like rats, the far-from-dynamic duo catch a glimpse of the toys' "watchdogs": little girls in pink dresses riding tricycles... and earing gas masks! I love a good gas mask movie! Woooo! Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Judy takes a nap and has a little chat with the demon boy on the astral plane. Now sit right back and you'll hear a tale... Turns out that exactly 66 years ago (1925 from this point), a gang of wanna-be Rosemary’s Baby cultists got a BIG disappointment when their Anti-Christ winds up stillborn. They pass the mini-corpse on to some trick-or-treaters (that's right, it happens to be Halloween when all this is happening), who bury the "seed" in a vacant lot. Can you guess what was built in that vacant lot? That's right, the Arcadia Toys warehouse. So, that would make the demon boy (who looks pretty good for being 66) the restless spirit of the evil baby, looking to finally be reborn... through Judy! Yes, Judy's pregnant with Matt's kid, and demon kid has accelerated this pregnancy with his demon powers, making her on the verge of the miracle of birth. And, unless something can stop him, demon kid is going to hop into that fetus, kick the kid's soul out and take over, to be reborn and destroy the world. You know, the standard satanic practice and such. As for our teens, they manage to make it to the main office, utilizing a can of hairspray and a Zippo to defend their asses. The phone gets fragged though, thanx to the evil lazer firing robot. If that wasn't bad enough, the girl gets an unpleasant face lift by Baby Oopsie, wielding a switchblade. Mark doesn't go down so easily however, as he flexes his testosterone and rips Jack's tail off, then feeds him dinner through a shotgun straw! Kaboom! Clown brain-goo everywhere!... heh heh, "shotgun straw".
As for Judy, she awakens from her dream to find her "perp" ain't so captured anymore, slipping the cuffs while she was out. Instead of taking her gun or kicking her ass while she was asleep, the goon left Judy alone and decided to go out and look for his own escape route. He grabs Mark's shotgun and it turns out he's also possessed by demon boy's forces, but before he can cause any harm, Judith shows up and unloads on him, popping his grey matter and allowing chicken boy to swing a homerun with his head, foiling the devil kid's evil plans to... uhm... well... I guess he was gonna kill Mark so no one could save Judith, but so far it looks like she's the only one who ISN'T in need of rescue in this situation! The two set off to obliterate all the other unholy playthings (Oopsie, the robot and a gang of toys that don't play any prominent role, nor are they as visually catchy), leaving them with just the teddy bear to contend with. No big deal now, right? I mean, what can a plush toy bear do against a shotgun and .45? Plenty when it transforms into an 8ft. tall creature of superhuman size and strength! Not unlike a certain New Jerseyite...
While Mark battles the beast (including an infamous harness scene that I'll elaborate on later), Judy's captured by the devil boy's henchmen and tied down to the warehouse pentagram, awaiting her fetus to be implanted by the spawn of Lucifer, who shows us his real appearance so his "implantation" doesn't border on child molestation.
The day is saved for the mother-to-be though, as her son's spirit, not ready to get kicked out before it has a chance at causing trouble of its own later on, fights back, taking the form of a tin soldier and shooting the demon. The two then transform into boys again and have it out in a playground melee of Biblical proportions. The brawl ends in favor of good, as the little blond boy drops the evil little prick on his tin soldier sword, the day is saved and Judy has a little heart-to-heart with her unborn son. As for Mark, he pins the giant bear to a wall with his chickenmobile and blows it all to shit, making for happy endings all around. A decent outing by Full Moon from my vantage point, with killer toys, a giant mutant bear, the Anti-Christ, Tracy Scoggins in tight clothes and fried chicken for everyone! Many people complained about the toys looking unbelievably fake and saying crap like, "you could tell they were puppets"... no shit, they're toys, they're supposed to look like toys... damn whiny cuntfuckers, expect CGI in everything and cry like battered housewives when they don't get their way. Well guess what you douche bags, CGI sucks! If you don't like puppeteering and the like, then go get a hold of Retro-Puppet Master and Demonicus and tell me how much you like CGI Full Moon movies. I like the Demonic Toys damn it, and I like their movie! Well, except for a few little things...
First of all, I have to complain about Jack and the Bear (as opposed to "BJ And The Bear"), who both seem to have a taste for cheek meat. Not to undermine their Dmeonic Toys strategies or whatnot, but were I 11" tall and had nothing but razor-sharp teeth to defend myself with, I think I'd go for a more vulnerable and lethal area, such as the throat, or even the wrists. Yeah, laying into someone's cheek can really irritate or even cause someone pain, but it's not exactly something a person can't recover from... unless they're an image obsessed supermodel, but modern cosmetic surgery might still be enough to take care of that, so that kind of attack probably wouldn't even wound a person's ego for long, let alone immediately endanger their life... unless of course it were to get infected and rot their face over the course of a few weeks... bah, enough of this subject. Another big bummer for the movie was Mark's infamous "harness flight". When he's attacked by the overstuffed bear, the big fluffy play thing takes a swipe at him and sends him flying 15ft. through a stack of boxes... and his jerk harness, which yanks him through said stunt, is BLATANTLY apparent... Yes, it's not a little thing, like the infamous boom mike moment of Ghoulies, but a very apparent mistake that almost makes you cry at how badly it's NOT covered up! Don't get me wrong, I love Full Moon for some odd reason, but Charles Band, stuff like this makes it harder and harder.
On a plus note to the movie though, aside from the evil toys, decent storyline and moderate acting (though Scoggins reverted to her overacting soap opera side more often than not), let me make special note that Tracy Scoggins is hot, in that special nostalgic way. You know, when you hit puberty and you started to notice just how well your friend's mom has taken care of herself over the years? You pop wood when she says your name, or gets stern and tells you and your friend to "keep it down boys" when you're being too loud and she's trying to sleep. And if you're lucky, you even catch a glimpse of her in her nightgown when she tells you, because she's just come from bed... Then, when you're not beating off in their bathroom with a pair of her panties, you tease your friend by telling him stuff like, "Dude! Your mom's hot! She's got perfect tits! Your dad's one lucky bastard!". Then, he freaks out, threatens you and leaves, throwing a hissy fit and taking his drugs home with him. That, or he does the creepy thing and starts telling you his Oedipal fantasies, then YOU're the one who freaks out and runs home in a stupor with your bong in your pants, completely cured of your lust for Mrs. Amato... yeah, that's how I think of Tracy Scoggins.
Anyway, after this came Dollman Vs. the Demonic Toys, which was actually a wrap-up sequel from Full Moon that continued the adventure of not only the Demonic Toys and Dollman, but also the horrible shrinking adventure in rock 'n' roll, Bad Channels. As of this review, there's also another sequel in production that combines the Demonic Toys with the biggest Full Moon franchise, Puppet Master, appropriately titled Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys. It should've been released a year ago (December 2000-January 2001), but as of yet and not seen the light of day, nor my VCR. This idea has apparently been in the works since the days of Demonic Toys's release too, as you'll find if you watch the "Video Zone" video magazine on the end of the Demonic Toys video. For those of you unfamiliar with "Video Zone", it's a standard inclusion by Full Moon on the majority of their movies, giving viewers a "behind the scenes" for the movies, as well as merchandising notices and trailers for other Full Moon features. One such behind-the-scenes moment on this "Video Zone" features Charles Band talking about Puppet Master 4, which was originally intended to feature the puppet battling the Demonic Toys and even includes poster art for it in the background! What I wouldn't give to get my hands on one of those posters... I don't know why Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys has yet to escape post-production limbo, but hopefully it will find it's way out soon, because Full Moon could really use the shot in the arm, especially after recent toilet swimmers like Demonicus and Killjoy... uggh.
The Moral of the Story: Children are the spawn of Hell and that alone is enough reason to support free choice. Don't tell me my woman's gonna carry the Devil's seed in her belly because some Conservative jack-off says the parasite in her body's got more rights than she does!
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Dirty mouthed demon playthings, sexy Miss Scoggins, Satan impregnating people and one very pervy devil boy. It's all good kids!
Sequels: Dollman Vs. Demonic Toys ,
Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Puppet Master or
Blood Dolls
FEEDBACK
All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
