George Romero, after a 5 year hiatus following his mostly snubbed (by critics AND fans) adaptation of Stephen King's The Dark Half, returns once again to the land of movie making with Bruiser, a tale of identity, revenge and one pissed off mime. Think of it as Falling Down with George Romero at the helm. Is the old man in top shape once more after his previous crappers, or is he still stuck in his slump despite his little vacation? Warm up your eyeballs and get readin' to find out.
Henry Creedlow is the ideal employee: hard working, never talks back, never asks for anything and lives his life by the words of his asshole boss... unfortunately for Henry, these qualities also make him the lowest form of humanity: the spineless human doormat. Yep, in the real world, Mr. Creedlow's lack o' balls carries over as he puts up with a bitch wife, a "friend" who steals from him, a boss who treats him like the spineless white collar Nematode he is and a society that basically pisses on him like a public urinal. To top it off, the dude looks like shit, to which there's no real excuse. Just because he's a victim of the corporate plague doesn't mean he has to let himself LOOK the part. He should take a page from “The Patrick Bateman Guide To Surviving The White Collar World”.
Anyway, all this abuse is building inside Henry and is bound to pop out and cause havoc on his lifestyle like any good psychopath, such as myself for instance. You can tell it's already making trouble for our protagonist too, as seen by the violent daydreams he has in which he commits bloody atrocities to himself, his wife and commuters who cut in line... but then, that's normal... I mean, we all have those... don't we? But, violent fantasies aside, Henry just keeps taking the abuse, getting his proverbial ass kicked and sacrificing his self-esteem to the daily grind. God, I'm starting to get this urge in my gut to smack the guy upside the head and make "yo momma" jokes in his face for a week straight! He must have that rare personality flaw that makes people abuse him instinctively, like that one "Kids In The Hall" skit... if you know what I'm talking about, shake your own hand, because you actually have taste in Canadian comedy... if you don't know what I'm talking about, then, well, I guess you should go back to your Adam Sandler movies and "The Steve Harvey Show"... I can't believe that's STILL on! Who's watching that damn thing!?
At work, we discover the origin of the film's title, as the fashion magazine Hank works for is called "Bruiser"... why it's called Bruiser is confusing to me, so I find it best not to ask. Anyway, we suffer through a typical day of work with Henry, as his boss "Meelo" flashes his little Russian penis to the female employees, shoots down Henry's ideas with unfriendly gusto and makes life Hell for Henry's friend/Meelo's ex-wife-to-be Rosey. Of course, our hero's no masochist, so it's not as if Henry enjoys it all, he just does nothing to stop it. For him, being ridiculed and made a pathetic mockery are like other people reading the morning paper, washing their feet or wearing leather masks and nipple clips to childrens' birthday parties: it's all normal... I hope you get the idea, as I've been lingering on this concept for the first half of this entire fucking review. Anyway, now we start into the meat of the movie, as Henry wakes up one morning and his entire life and demeanor is mutated in some unexplained freak of nature accident... and Henry loses his face, replaced instead with a blank white mask... and I thought that burning sensation when I take my morning piss was bad.
Yes, the one thing that gave him whatever minuscule identity he had and differentiated him from the rest of the corporate world has been taken from Henry, leaving him without an identity... and yet, everyone who sees him seems to know it's him... huh, kinda ruins that whole anonymity thing. Now that Henry's officially lost anything that made him unique, he finally snaps and decides it's time to get a little payback, hopefully sans Mel Gibson. First on his list of victims? His Mexican housemaid who, like all Mexican housemaids, steals money and valuables from his home, only this time she gets caught. When she denies her guilt and tries bad mouthing him in Spanish, he fires back with his own Spanish insults, shocking her before he cracks her over the melon with a handbag full of candlesticks she was trying to swipe... no wonder they always have those big purses!
Henry narrowly manages to cover up the incident when his wife Janine returns home. She packs up her shit and leaves though, not noticing Henry or the dead Mexican as she's too preoccupied with packing for a weekend getaway with Henry's crude power broker boss... ouch, a double whammy for little Henry. Not only is his "beloved" broad cheating on him, but with his asshole boss. This is soon remedied too though (as you probably could've guessed), as she's later tossed from Meelo's 5th story window of the "Bruiser" offices, following one of her quickie sessions of Pass the Hot Dog with the Bastard Ruskie. Yeah, it's amusing to see her die and to see Henry finally get a measure of his dignity back in a brutal fashion, but, well, I'd like to think I would've been a good deal more brutal if a greedy bitch like Nina was fucking the man I hated most in the world and rubbing it in my face. Can you say "circular saw to the snatch"? Well, can you at least say it without laughing? I know I can't! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I'm such a sadist, heh heh.
Anyway, Henry does find out that his co-worker (and one of his few friends), the impotent tub o' guts Tom, witnessed the attack. Instead of killing the guy though Henry lets him live, threatening to do the same to him if he should let his gums flap about the incident. Being a fellow simpering worm, the guy agrees and keeps his trap under lock and key for the rest of the film. Again, I have to ask what the point of becoming an evil mime really is here, as so far everyone has recognized him... must be that stylish little pretty boy haircut of his. Meanwhile, we're introduced to Detective McCleary, the cop who's not only assigned to find out who it was that gave Janine her fancy new necktie, but also happens to be Tom Atkins! Yes, the master thespian of Night of the Creeps and the unfortunate victim of Halloween III makes an appearance in a minor but humorous role as a cop who refuses to follow the laws of physics and common sense and insists that Janine was tossed through a plate glass window by Meelo's ex-wife Rosey. Since Henry's obviously a major suspect in the case and his new visage doesn't appear to be having the effect he was hoping for, he has no choice but to cover his tracks and set his house up to look like it was looted and he was likely shot/killed/kidnapped. Too bad for Rosey this just convinces the cops more so of her guilt, which Hank feels he's got to fix. After all, he seems to love the lady and doesn't want a good friend to pay for his one man crusade of vengeance... okay, so saying it's a crusade would be a little overblown, but hey, he's new at this "backbone" thing and even Ted Bundy had to start somewhere.
To help himself roam around in public without drawing attention to his lack of face, Hank paints his face flesh colored and dons a baseball cap and sunglasses. Great, now he looks like Kevin Bacon circa Hollow Man, which just disturbs me more, as if seeing a Russian guy who's a little too proud of his "little buddy" wasn't bad enough. In an effort to help Rosey out, Henry heads to Meelo's house to talk to her and warn her that the cops are gonna be all over her ass like a Saigon whore in the middle of a group of cheap US Navy crewmen on shore leave. As for Meelo, he lets us in on one of his secrets of true happiness. You think taking a nice clean crap is Heaven? Well, that's shit compared to: crapping while you snort coke! Wahoo! There’s nothing like a little nose candy with your fecal expulsions to make you appreciate the miracle of existence ladies and gentlemen... whoever you are.
As for Detective McCleary, he and his partner examine the "Bruiser" security cameras, which reveal the faceless killer in the act. And the detective still insists that it's Rosey, who was peeved about finding Meelo with his salami in Janine's quivering mound of love pudding and sent the skank on a little trip... yes, mere moments after disappearing off the floor with Meelo in pursuit, she had time to change clothes, put on a mask and transform her physique to a man's build, then surprise Nina and kill her... with Tom Atkins behind the wheel, I figure the ignorance of the dick has to be intentional. I love Tom Atkins.
After his visit with Rosey (who's still stuck under Meelo's Sputnik sucking influence), our hero heads off to take care of victim #3: his long time buddy/deviant stock broker Jimmy. Stalking the jerk to the local executive gym, Henry catches up with him following a little tennis workout, where he guns the wanna-be Ben Affleck down in the locker room, then dumps the body (and the car Jimmy bought with the money he stole from Henry's stock portfolio) into the harbor, to rest in the murky depths with the Mexican housekeeper. From here it's off to converse with Rosey once again about the situation and chastise her about her decision to stay under Meelo's thumb. Henry also helps her out by calling into a popular local radio show and confessing over the airwaves to the entire populace about his crimes and where he stashed the bodies. Now that's a true friend for ya! From here it's off to Meelo's big costume party, where horror metal motherfuckers the Misfits are performing live... and who honestly suck ever since Glen Danzig left... several fucking years ago. Don't get me wrong, "American Psycho" was a decent CD, and it's cool that they do nothing but songs about horror movies and violence, but their edge was sandpapered down badly over the course of the years since. Anyway, it's about time to wrap this flick up, so let's get back to business.
Dressed like some half rate Phantom of the Opera, Henry evades the fuzz in a badly done game of "Cat and Mouse" as he plays out his master plan to destroy the bane of his existence: Meelo. The only worse thing than having your entire life under the tyrannical rule of a dickhead is living it under the tyrannical rule of a dickhead named "Meelo"... if a guy named Meelo ever tries to give me one little order, even if it's just something like "have sex with my gorgeous scream queen wife", I'm gonna part his hair with a crowbar... the hooked part. Anyway, while the Commie dangles above his party in some kind of Happy Harness that all the "cool" people ride, Henry arms his high power FX party laser and unleashes a microwave *ZAPF* upon Lil' Meelo. Henry has just become my hero, as I've been wanting something painful to happen to that guy's Johnson for the past 90 minutes! For a follow up, the angry clown phantom puts a smoking hole between the fuck's eyes, frying his brain and killing him instantly. Again, I have to complain about Henry's naive approach to vengeance. The man should really take some self-help courses in being assertive and adding a little more torture to his violent backlashes. Hey, they did me wonders! In 4th grade, I was mutilating and maiming at a college level! My teachers were very proud... and afraid for their lives.
And so, with the demise of his greatest enemy, Henry's identity returns along with his face. He manages to escape the black and white (who really didn't seem all that into capturing him in the first place) with a little distraction from Rosemary. As a little epilogue, we catch up to Henry an undetermined amount of time later. He's become a laid back, hippy type mail boy at another corporate office, relaxed and enjoying life. But, one day one of his old goat bosses gives him Hell... and his face disappears again, all to the tune of a Wohlstandskinder (yes, that's a band's name) cover of A-Ha's "Take On Me".
Hmmm, after an experience like this, I have to sit and ponder the same question that's always rolling around in my skull, "when the fuck is Romero going to realize his limits and stick to zombies?". Don't get me wrong, as you can obviously tell by the rating, this wasn't a bad flick. By no means will Bruiser fall on my "why the Hell was this shit ever made?!" list, but it also won't reach my, "Damn, I think I just had an orgasm from watching a simple movie!" list either. It's mediocre. Bruiser has an original plot, some decent acting and characters you love to hate. However, whereas the tragic anti-hero should've been sympathetic, I hated him just as much as everybody else. He was a whiny coward who deserved to get stepped on, then suddenly starts killing everyone who took advantage of him. In the case of The Crow it made sense: eye for an eye, life for a life, all in the name of innocence and love cut short, blah blah blah. But, in BRUISER, I think killing people who treat you like crap (all because you make yourself an easy target) just doesn't sit right with me. Yeah, if a serial killer does it, that's great. But, if a mime with a $5 haircut does it because of his lack of stress management ability, it's just pointless.
Romero's direction is good. Not grand in any sense of the word, but not so bland and point-and-click that it put me to sleep. But, I've said it numerous times and Romero should stick to the DEAD movies. His writing and directing beyond his classic trilogy just doesn't sit well with me. Even the fan favorite Creepshow isn't exactly high on my list of favorites. I don't know, perhaps I stereotype George and unfairly type-cast him as a zombie director, but that's the way I am and there's no changing me you bastards! However, at the same time I have to admit that it is sad to see someone like George Romero stuck on video shelves with stuff like Children of the Corn 12 and Wishmaster 6. He may not be as good as he was, but he's still worthy of a theatrical release, not Direct-to-Video obscurity. For more on my dislike of the current misfortune of true horror icons, click the rolling head below. As for me, I gotta disappear in a cloud of fire and brimstone. The Running Man is on and I gotta get my daily does of Richard Dawson! "Survey SAYS..."!
DVD X-tras: Not a whole lot to impress ya with, but enough to keep you busy. We get a music video for the Misfits' "Scream", the first zombie directing work by Romero since Day of the Dead. Like I said, the Misfits are just weak these days and the video's not that great either. Cool make-up but nothing more. There's also a commentary track with Romero and his pal/production partner Peter Grunwald, and if you click the -> (right arrow) button while on the menu, you'll notice that NOTHING becomes highlighted, but if you hit "Enter", you'll be shown a string of 3 movie trailers: Bruiser, Faust: Love of the Damned and, uggh, the terrible teeny-bopper loose adaptation of "Othello" known as O. I think this was originally meant to highlight the Lions Gate logo on the bottom right side of the DVD's menu screen, but somebody fucked up... at least on my copy.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: American Psycho or Falling Down
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- There's some fun to be had, especially when inebriated, but there are only so many mime jokes and "In Communist Russia..." type gags you can belt out before everybody gets bored and starts chanting "FAST FORWARD! FAST FORWARD! FAST FORWARD!".
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