Sure, I've got a big spot in my heart for Dominion: Tank Police Part 1 as being one of the big ones as far as anime goes in my life, but Vampire Hunter D was my first and will likely always stand tall as my best. I originally checked this flick out while flipping through the channels late one Friday night, when I ran across it on TBS. Actually, I was watching Heavy Metal and this happened to follow it. Enticed by the adult themed animation, music and storytelling that ANY viewing of Heavy Metal would bring me, even heavily edited on the goose-stepping Ted Turner Broadcasting Dictatorship, I was sure to stick around for whatever was next. It was probably about 1:30 a.m. when the final credits rolled on Heavy Metal and I was wide awake, so I continued staring at the screen and on came the movie that would keep my eyes plastered for the next 2 hours and keep me coming back ever since: Vampire Hunter D. Though Heavy Metal has (and always will be) a classic with me, I discovered that night what the Japanese could do with the four colored moving picture art form and I've yet to look back. Anyway, enough with the fucking anecdotes, I'm not here to tell my life story and I'm sure you're not here to listen to it!

Based upon the Japanese fantasy story series of the same name (not to the merchandising guys in charge, I want these stories in an English translation damn it! I'm sick of writing threatening letters and not getting what I ask for!), our hero is the enigmatic vampire hunter known only as "D". In the year 12090 AD, the world is an amalgamation of mysticism and technology, much like Final Fantasy III for Super Nintendo, only without all the Mogs... must... not... mention... Mogs... or... I... will... break... into... a... Mog... March!!! Sorry, it's a Final Fantasy III thing with me... Anyway, the similarities between VHD and FF3 are no surprise, as the concept art for both were done by noted Japanese artist Yoshitaka Amano, of whom I'm a big fan, and who I'm sure has never heard of me, for obvious reasons. As I was saying, the world of 12090 is a dark one, where mutants and vampires and werewolves and other creatures of evil and decay exist to torment the remaining human populace. However, the world isn't all gloom and doom, as the people live simple lives like Amish folk... only their carts are pulled by cyborg horses and they defend their homes with laser rifles... I won't get into the confusion of why cars and trucks are no longer around, yet cyborg horses are, so I suggest you just go with the flow. Besides, I'd rather see a cyborg horse dragging a cart than a beaten old Chevy anyday.

One such member of this dark future society is Doris Rumm, a down home type of girl who's stuck taking care of her little brother Dan since their parents died. I'm not sure of the mom, but the father used to be a werewolf hunter, so you can imagine his demise at the hands of one creature of the night or another... I think she says it was a vampire... Anyway, one night Doris is out patrolling the grounds of their little orchard, astride her big white stallion Luke, when she happens upon an interloper in the form of some crazy looking dinosaur beast. She guns the fucker down and takes the top of it's head right off, but she's not prepared for what happens next. Out of nowhere, a massive werewolf leaps from the shadows, killing Luke and carrying him off, plucking the crucifix from around Doris's neck and disappearing just as suddenly as it had arrived. Left without her shiny little Christian symbol of faith, our full figured heroine is screwed when she gets a visit from a second unwanted guest, the elder vampire nobleman who claims the surrounding area as his own, Count Magnus Lee. The last image we see is Doris's laser rifle proving completely useless against the Count's powers before he bares his fangs and the darkness is illuminated with some unnatural lightning. Then, the opening title sequence hits. The following day, our title bad ass comes strolling through Doris's property upon a black cyborg steed (he's a cowboy, on a steel horse he rides, he's wanted, wanted, dead or alive... sorry, Bon Jovi planted eggs in my skull once and I still haven't squashed 'em all yet), and she attempts to stop him with force (and a gratuitously short skirt... though I'm not complaining), entangling him in her laser whip. When she then demands he surrender his sword, he just flexes his muscles, dissipating her feeble little energy binds and surprising the Hell out of her! Convinced he's D, the legendary vampire hunter, she apologizes and makes a little business proposition...

3 meals a day and the option of free lovin. That's what Doris offers to pay D in exchange for his services, as she's not the type who's loaded down with dinero... and no, not Robert Deniro, that's a different thing all together. D accepts the contract for Magnus Lee's head and settles into Doris and Dan's house to stay until the job's done. As long as D can take out Count Maggy, then Doris won't need to worry about turning bloodsucker, as part of the whole "kill the head vampire and you cure his victims" dealie. I just hope for his sake Marge Simpson doesn't turn out to be the head vampire again... I'll take this opportunity to inform you as to what separates D from the rest of the vampire hunters. First off, D's got a fucking looooooooong sword that can hack through pretty much anything. Also, he's got some kind of familiar in his left hand, which means there's a face on his palm that can devour magic and other things to empower D and get him out of the occasional jam... yeah, crazy shit, I know. Finally, D's what's known as a Dampeal (or "Dunpeal" depending on who you ask), which means he's the half-breed offspring of a human and vampire couple. In this case his father happens to be... well, we'll save that for later, heh heh. Anyway, this half-human half-vampire deal is pretty sweet, as it gives D superhuman strength, lightning fast reflexes, a super regenerative healing factor and other vampire abilities, without the vulnerability to crucifixes and sunlight. For those of you who are a little more mainstream, he's basically a white future version of Blade.

Vamps and mutants aren't the only vermin in this future world though, as proven by the slimy Greco, son of the local town mayor. Greco's got a thing for Doris, mostly because she resists his "charms" (i.e. his father's money and power), and when he finds out she was a recipient of the Count's "kiss", he offers to hire a whole posse of hunters to help her. Of course this is only if she plays nice with his libido, which she's obviously not up for, as she plants her knee squarely in his happy place. Not the kind of guy who enjoys getting his ego (or his testicles) bruised, Greco instantly blabs Doris's dirty laundry right in the middle of the town square. Faced with the dilemma, the town council contemplates putting Doris under quarantine, though the last time they pulled that crap, Count Maggy wasn't happy and slayed a good number of villagers for it. But, D steps up and assures everyone that he will destroy the Count and Doris will be fine, sunshine and lollipops, peace and love, daily Frogger tournaments and so forth. You get the idea. That night, Maggy's first wave of attackers come to the house to claim Maggy's new bride. Amongst these are the Count's daughter Lamika and his right hand mutant Rogancy, who's basically a smart mouthed punker lap dog with a razor sharp boomerang weapon. D, never one to resist the metallic flavor of battle, meets them half way and the three have it out on the front lawn! First D and Rogancy go at it, like a gothic ballet of violence. When D tries to plant his sword in Rogancy's chest though, he gets an unpleasant surprise, as Rogancy actually has the ability to bend space around him, meaning the blade that should've gone into Rogancy instead winds up jutting out of D's back!

Thanks to his Dampeal blood, D recovers with little efforts, simply yanking the sword from his guts and getting back to work. Lamika steps in, eager to kill the half breed herself, but instead gets made into a big joke as her best bolts of energy are deflected back at her own feet with almost no effort on D's part, cuz he's just that damn good folks. In utter defeat, the evil duo retreat back to daddy fancypants, who now takes a real interest in D and just what he's all about. The following day, our caped hero stages a daylight raid on Maggy's castle, which makes sense, since he can run around in the daylight while the vampires are their most vulnerable. It's not an easy task by far though, because D must hack and slash his way through Lee's army of mutants, ghosts and demons that protect him when he's snoozing in his coffin. After fighting his way fast a flying cackling goblin, a fireball tossing sentinel and a demonic animated version of Poltergeist's Zelda Rubinstein, the Dampeal's progress is halted by a trio of gorgeous (and very nekkid) serpentine sirens called the Three Sisters, who bind D with their magicks and spend the rest of the day sucking on his... essence. I'd like to give those girls a mouthful of MY essence, provided they weren't just painted figures on a clear plastic animation cel. Meanwhile, as her protector is otherwise occupied, Doris gets a visit from Maggy's minions, who take her to their master for some premarital banter. Yep, Maggy's not the type of guy to love 'em and leave 'em... at least not until after he's married them and banged them like a screen door for a while.

Now D takes the opportunity to take out the sisters, unsheathing his fangs and going berserker, busting free and lobbing off their heads! D then escapes into the castle and narrowly saves Doris from Lamika, who intends to kill Doris rather than have her dirty old father contaminate the House of Lee with a filthy human. So, D takes Doris and snuffs the snobby little bitch, escaping with his employer in a scene that equals death and dismemberment for the rest of the Count's guards and just another disappointment for Rogancy, who must now kill D or never return to the House of Lee. While away, Rogancy gets a visit from one of the Count's messengers, who supplies the rogue mutant with a special candle whose light and incense can paralyze anyone with vampire's blood in them, spelling T-R-O-U-B-L-E for the protagonist of our feature. So, to bait D and settle the score, Rogancy kidnaps Dan and leaves D a note that tells him where and when to meet him for a rematch. But, when the two face off, Rogancy gets a rude awakening when his magic candle proves to be not-so-magical and he ends up with a bloody stump where his hand used to be! D gathers up Dan and they head back for home. Speaking of home, while D was away saving her little brother, Doris received a visit from her friend Dr. Faring, who came to tell her of a secret sanctuary house where she will be safe until D can do his work. Happily she goes along with it, a little too trusting as we discover that Dr. F is in fact one of Magnus's minions, and has a new found perversion for wanting to get his claws on a succulent babe he once considered like a daughter.

Lamika arrives and puts a stop to this little plan though, staking the transformed physician right through the heart! Fearing that Lamika's here to take her to the Count, Doris asks her to just kill her, as she doesn't want to go on anymore, fearing that Dan and D are dead and depressed that long time friend Dr. Faring is now gone too. Lamika's not really up for killing the girl, and instead offers to help Doris escape far away from the land, taking her out of Magnus's reach and preserving bother her own life and the purity of the Lee bloodline. Greco stands in the way though, as he pulls out the anti-vampire candle, freezing Lamika and causing her severe pain as he hatches a plot to hold her for ransom and use her to change the Count's mind about marrying Doris, provided Doris will instead marry him. Of course, Greco's a dick, so he attempts to stake the helpless Lamika, only to have Doris throw herself in the way. Suddenly, Greco gets his own nasty surprise when he's taken down by a bolt from a laser rifle, as wielded by young Dan, who has come to save the girls along with D. Shit, my father gave me a 12 gauge when I was that kid's age and I don't remember getting to shoot greaseball assholes at my whim! Dan's only like 9 or 10! 12090 makes current school related gun violence look like a friendly game of Laser Tag.

The group heads back to the farmhouse, where D lets Lamika go without any kind of punishment, sending her back home while he prepares for his next move against the Count. As for Doris, she's got some moves of her own to make, as she showers up and pays D a late night visit in her open robe. Thanking D and expressing her concern for his well being, she suggests that they just get Dan and move far away together and live happily ever after, so D would never have to kill again and nobody would ever have to get hurt. Our hero starts to let his control slip though when he checks out Doris's bare... neck... and his fangs get a hard on. Despite the girl's offer to let D fuck her or feed on her or whatever he wants to do to her, he's just a little too gallant and can't bring himself to take advantage of her in her vulnerable state. When she professes her love for him, he does the true guy thing and responds "I know", before sending her to bed and crashing on the couch as usual, spending the rest of the night getting harasses by his talking left hand for passing up on a free meal of clam and melons. Then again, maybe D just didn't trust the purity of Doris's venereal area and he didn't have a rubber handy... or a pair of dentures... what DO vampires use for prophylactics anyway? But, later on that night D's rest is interrupted when Rogancy, after reclaiming the candle from the defeated Greco, comes calling for a nightcap and ANOTHER rematch, refusing to stay down and admit he's far too outclassed. But, this time the candle trick works and D falls victim to it's nauseating glow, paralyzed and wide open for Rogancy to plant a wooden stake through his heart and kill him... gasp! Rogancy then lobs off D's hand in a fit or retribution, though is he's supposed to be dead, then why would be bother to cut his fucking hand off?!

With the only real opposition now deceased, Rogancy has no trouble capturing Dan and Doris and taking them back to the castle. As for D's hand, well, it's not dead though it's owner is. First thing's first, it reattaches itself to D's stump, then begins eating handful after handful of earth in an attempt to recharge itself and possibly get D's healing factor to kick in and fill up that gaping wound in his chest. To make matters worse, there's a flesh eating gaseous cloud on it's way over to partake in some D leftovers before they get cold and Lefty's time is running out! No to worry though boys and girls, as in standard last minute practice, D is magically brought back from the brink of eternal sleep and manages to turn the gas monster into hamburger with a swipe of his blade. Now it's a quick trip to the castle to put a stop to the unholy wedding of Doris and Count Magnus. The guy just came back from the dead and doesn't get a minute's rest! To keep the count busy though, Lamika, Rogancy and even Dan attempt to stop the little get together, all of which are defeated with ease, even Rogancy whose magic candle just gets him a popped head and an honorary spot as a gory piece of wall decoration for the ceremony. The sacrifice isn't in vain though, as those precious seconds buy D enough time to interrupt the most important part of the wedding, planting a dagger in the Count's eye before he can plant his "kiss" on Doris's silky smooth neck. I actually cringe when Lee yanks the dagger out of his eye in an unflinching display of sheer ballsitude... uggh!

So, D and Magnus finally have it out, battling in the film's climax as a mere Dampeal attempts to defeat a 10,000 year old elder master vampire. D gets his ass handed to him at first, even getting pinned to the wall and having his own sword held to his throat as Count Lee shows off his true power. Does our hero have a chance? Well, normally not even a Dampeal would have a sliver of hope in this situation, but D's no mere Dampeal, because his vampire half comes from none other than the vampire king: Sire Vlad Dracula! Yes, with the strongest vamp plasma coursing through his veins, D unleashes Hell, overpowering the Count's own magic and defeating him, spearing him with his sword, and as the Count's life slips away, so falls the House of Lee, taking with it Lamika, who learned from her father that she too is a Dampeal and not nearly as royal and pure as she once thought. As for D, Doris, Dan and anyone else whose name happens to begin with the fourth letter of the English alphabet, they escape to safety as the entire structure goes up in a blaze of trippy cosmic energy and strobe lights. The next day it's a bittersweet scene as D leaves, his job done, saying a goodbye-of-sorts to Doris and Dan, even managing to crack a smile before the end credits roll over one of the best fucking animated excursions into violence and visual beauty. You have to wonder about where this leaves the brother and sister though, as Doris is losing the love of her life and Dan's stuck going back to an upbringing without a positive male role model. Doris probably winds up growing old and alone, hating men and becoming a lesbian on her 60th birthday, engaging in creepy dungeon lesbo sex with other old women... ewww! As for Dan, he probably grows up to be a crossdressing psychopath who dies at the age of 35 after losing his hair and going on a rampage through town in his mother's wedding dress. And D? Well, that's another story...

Why do I like this movie so damn much you ask? Well, despite the obvious sentimental reasons, this had got to be one of the just plain coolest anime I've ever seen. I know the story is very basic and may drive away people searching for complex tales to keep their attention, but hey, the guy's a vampire hunter, stories don't get too complicated when your life consists of getting paid to do a job then simply DOING said job. What the movie lacks in complex storytelling, it more than makes up for in graphic violence, fast-paced action and fluid animation. Though it may looked dated by today's standards (not a shock since it's over a decade and a half old), the animation is still very impressive and holds up after all these years if you ask me... which you didn't... but I still said it anyway. The voice acting is also good by dubbing standards, snyching about as well as could be. The soundtrack is a haunting score and there are just moments where you're glad to have surround sound, especially lucky owners of the DVD! The tunes just compliment their scenes in a perfect fit, creating a harmony not seen since man and woman first discovered that tab P goes into slot V... I know that's probably a little over-exaggerating, but it's not as if half of you understood that joke anyway. So, all in all, if you're the kind of person who likes to watch people kicking ass and making cold cuts out of each other, then this is a film for you! If you're into action and love dark and fast paced animation, then this is the film for you! If you're into vampires, monsters and talking hands, then this is the film for you! If you're into sappy romance, thought provoking stories and various twisting and turning plot lines and surprises and suspense, then, well, this isn't really the film for you... but watch it anyway!