San Mao is a Chinese orphan whose master was killed by soldiers during “the war”. I have no idea what time frame this story falls into, so I’ll be damned if I can tell you exactly what “war” is being referenced, but it’s not really important. What is important is that San’s mother is apparently still alive and out there somewhere just waiting for him to find her in this cross between Homeward Bound and Fearless Hyena. While making his way across the countryside and performing kung-fu feats of junior amazement, San’s latest stop in his journey is a small village under the “influence” of local tough guy Mr. Chu, a glorified bully who can kill you six different ways before you have the time to piss yourself. His son, Chu Jr., is actually a nice guy though, scaring off his dad’s thugs from time to time and saving the occasional oppressed citizen. Granted, this type of thing pisses off ol’ Mr. Chu, but the guy’s his son and this whole “I will not be part of your criminal organization!” thing is probably just a rebellious phase. Boys will be boys after all… even when they’re in their twenties if you’re not careful… I blame his not having a mother for that.

No sooner do his feet hit the street does San bump into Qu Pu Li (like “Coo’ poo, Lee!”), local vagrant and pint-sized con man boy. Pu tries to bully San out of his cash, but when he realizes his latest mark has more martial arts skill in his left testicle than Pu has in his whole body, he flexes his brain as opposed to his brawn and instead gets the boy drunk on sake and swipes his coin purse. Later, however, Pu and his surrogate big sister Zsa Zsa Meng are caught with the proverbial hands in the cookie jar. The cookie jar in question happens to be the pockets of local goon and resident Chu enforcer Iron Head. With his new peers imperiled, San tries coming to the rescue!.. and winds up being pretty ineffective against the big bald menace and his cancerous forehead goiter of doom. Enter Chu Jr. who not only saves the day, but trades googly eyes with Double Z before the kids run off to their shanty hideout and celebrate their new alliance. Hmmm, not only does he reject his dad’s criminal life style, but he’s also popping bamboo over an unwashed peasant girl. It’s definite; he’s been diagnosed with an inoperable case of Total Rebellious Son-itus.

Back at their hideout, the kids decide that they’re tired of being failures in life and it’s time to get some legitimate income flowing. As such, they put together a little street show (once San teaches Pu a few kung-fu tricks) and end up the targets of Chu’s goons yet again, who shut the kiddie sidewalk circus down but are once again stopped by order of Chu Junior. Meanwhile, a messenger from a powerful military leader has come to town to barter a union with Mr. Chu and work out a deal to divvy up ownership of the oppressed town. Another martial arts master, Eagle, isn’t happy with his neighbors and friends getting fucked over by these assholes, so he interjects, beats the messenger’s guards and throttles the man himself before drowning his ass in a rain barrel! Too bad for this less ambitious Batman type character though, cuz Chu’s thugs immediately wrestle him down afterwards, tie him up and take him to Chu’s stronghold to be tortured and await a public execution. I can only hope that I get a public execution when it’s finally time for me to cha-cha out of this here mortal coil! Lucky bastard.

As Eagle is set up for his death, the kids intervene, start a small scale riot and escape with their latest buddy in a rumble of punches, kicks, slaps, smashed fruit and cheesy ‘70s fight movie sound effects erupting everywhere! There’s even a comical “fat sloppy guy with d-cup man titties slipping around in bean curd” scene and a brief “mouse trap to the groin” moment to top it all off. Returning once again to their hovel lair, the kids and Eagle prepare for Chu’s inevitable retaliation and booby trap the woods around them in anticipation. Of course the invasion occurs and the of course the Home Alone antics follow suit. One of the things I neglected to mention in this review has been the disturbing ease with which Mr. Chu likes to kill his staff whenever one of them disappoints him. With that said, it’s actually pretty sad to see all of his men turn tail and run after some kids throw a few sticks at them like they do here. Have they decided to unionize and no longer fear their employer’s neck snapping retaliation? Are they convinced that Eagle and the kiddies will kill Mr. Chu in their final confrontation and therefore do not fear his coffee hour vengeance and possible loss of their health care benefits? What about their 401K plans?!

With the rest of the riff-raff turned back, the kids are left to team up against the big dumb animal that is Iron Head, laying a recess smack down on his lumpy skull in a fight that’s part slapstick act and part child abuse extravaganza that eventually ends with the goon’s defeat and the destruction of their beloved shanty home. While all of this is going on, the still injured Eagle is taking on the mighty Mr. Chu all by his lonesome in theie big showdown, taking place in one of those big generic field settings that no-budget fight flicks like this are known for. But, just before Chu can unleash his killing blow, the ever defiant Chu Junior leaps in the way and takes the foot shaped bullet of doom upon himself. Too late to stop, Chu kills his only son and the loss drives him into a rage. This disruption of concentration is just enough to give Eagle the advantage and the vigilante hero puts an end to the menace of the senior Chu. With all that said and done, Eagle adopts our titular hero tots, San apparently forgets the whole part about how he’s looking for his mother, Zsa-Squared’s cool new older boyfriend is dead, and the death of Mr. Chu and his only heir leaves a power vacuum in the village that will likely lead to a decade of gang wars and increasing strife as all of the opportunistic hoods in the area rush to become the new kingpin. Not as happy an ending as you’d originally though, huh?

KFKBA isn’t an amazing movie my any means, but it’s a very entertaining one to be sure. My original notes for this flick (which never actually made it to the full review stage before their loss in a high stakes game of lawn darts with Charlie Chaplin’s ghost) endowed it with a full five star rating because the idea of kids committing kung-fu acts gave me a giddy feeling at the time. When I recently reacquired the title (and on an ultra-low budget DVD no less), I went into it skeptical that I’d have the same overwhelming amusements that I had originally now that the gimmick’s had time to wear off. Turns out it isn’t just a silly gimmick movie that once caught my attention to the point of elation, it’s actually a fun flick on the second viewing too!

The music is an almost surreal mix of traditional chop socky bytes, ominous string instruments, cheerful flutes, wonky cartoon horns and the occasional funky ‘70s guitar riff for whatever bizarre (and oddly inspired) reason. Every time somebody looks like they’ve got mischief in mind, your ears will think Isaac Hayes stopped by to drink all your Colt45 and try to hypnotize you into Scientology. Content wise, be warned that despite the pre-pubescent heroes, this isn’t an ideal flick to let babysit your five year olds. In addition to a few broken necks, a drowning and a couple other dead bodies, there’s also a dead doggie and the kid playing Pu has a full frontal scene… no wonder this is one of Michael Jackson’s favorite movies… *BARF*

The meat and potatoes of the movie are of course the kids. These aren’t just brats pretending to punch people, these kids are actually performing acrobatic feats that I’d expect from someone like Jackie Chan, not just a couple of ankle biters that no one would ever hear from again! It makes me die a little inside every time I think about how this Wang Ye Leung kid didn’t go on to become a big martial arts star, because he obviously had the skills to make something of himself, but instead was never heard from again. As for the more “intellectual” aspects of the movie, sure, the story’s about as cookie-cutter as you can get for an old skool beat ‘em up movie, but you didn’t watch “Baywatch” for the Emmy Award winning acting and Shakespearian dialogue and you don’t watch a kung-fu movie for the story. In the end it’s surprisingly great to watch and this is coming from a man who’d rather scalp himself with a series of alcohol soaked paper cuts rather than watch another movie featuring child leads.