Written by your friend in the mud, Kaneda
(Who is not a die-hard moonie, just all-around fan of all anime/manga)
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SAILOR MOON: WHAT IF IT WENT LIKE THIS...
The most pathetic version of the story you've ever heard before!
-=>PART ONE OF TWO<=-
VERSION 2.0 - INTERNET RELEASE VERSION
BTW: I am using the dub names, for the sake of certain folks not knowledgable
of the Japanese names. (Usagi = Serena, Gurio = Melvin, and the beat goes
on) Get it? Got it? Good...
CoNtEnTs:
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1. Prologue (it is very important that you do not skip the prologue, it tells part of the story)
2. A Warning to all cult Moonies/Die Hard Anime Fans
3. The dirty job of telling the story...
4. Short Intermission, so you can stop laughing hysterically and
catch your breath (yeah, right)
5. An Inspirational Quote from Me to You, the valued reader
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1. PROLOGUE (NOT TO BE SKIPPED!)
I'll keep this quick because you all just love to skip this part,
but it's quick, so just read the damn thing, thank you. Well, this is my
first fanfic ever, and I'd love for you to critique it and mail me any
comments, compliments, or maybe not-so-much-compliments to
KOKOMOJOE@COMPUSERVE.COM
Please, if you feel that way, be brutal, I need those opinions to polish up
my skills. Now, as for the story so far, here it is. The time: September 1993.
The place: The ward of Minato-ku in the district of Juubangai (10th Section)
of Tokyo, Japan. The story has moved along as it has until now, that episode
where Alan and Ann's large ol' "Doom Tree" is wildly growing it's way out of
their appartment, and... well, everywhere else it can... (I take the story
down with heavy humor. Some of the reading audience may compare it to a dub
episode of Samurai Pizza Cats, in ways that the jokes in this story actually
makes the sickening puns in SPC seem funny... really, I swear)
**** 2. A WARNING TO ALL CULT MOONIES/DIE HARD ANIME FANS ****
This story contains some criticism of the architechture of Sailor Moon, by way
of plot, and other satirical references to other anime/manga, in parody-like
style, that may actually offend some SERIOUS fanatics. Which is exactly why I
never put my home address in these, so I don't get sniped by some freak. So
if you find something not to your liking in this story or any future works of
my creation, please print the controversial part out on paper, roll it up in
a tight wad, and stick it up your bum and don't come whining to me about it.
Thank you. Now prepare to be envelopped in the occult world of Alfred
Hitchcock... uhh... Sailor Moon. Enjoy!
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3. PART ONE: How to get into the mess of fighing people that aren't from the
same planet - a DIY guide
Well, it was one of those days that are usually happening during the
start of any given episode of Sailor Moon. The many inhabitants of the city
saunter down the streets with blank stares on their faces and slight looks
of disgust, aftershocks of a Hanson concert held in Tokyo a few days earlier.
(I know, I know, it's 1993 and most of Hanson are still in Gerber, it's
fiction, remember)
Our hero, Serena Tsukino, does the "Weird Girl Dash" as I like to
call it, down the way, with a piece of burnt toast protruding out of her
mouth, and her meatball (dumpling in Japanese) hairdo flying behind her like
a wind sock. Without looking where she was going, she SLAMS! into Darien's
posterior, ever-so-subtly coaxing his fancy-boy face into a street-side
flower bed.
"What the... Damn it, watch where your going, Serena, you goober!"
"Is that any way to talk to a moon princess?"
"Some moon princess... No moon princess I've ever seen has an ass like that!"
"Well.. uh... Thanks?"
"That was no compliment. Tell me, if there's going to be a Sailor Scout for
every celestial body in our solar system, where's Sailor Left and Right
Cheek? Or will they be in the movie?"
"Darien, you're still a prick, you know that?"
"Don't ask me that. Ask me where I get all my fancy clothes on a bachelor's
income!"
"How dare you speak to me like that. Well, Rei's got a friend named Kaneda
that can kick your ass any day!"
"We'll see soon enough."
"He's got a cooler bike than you do. You never fail to be a total jackass,
do you? Well, I have more important things to do than bicker with you. I'm
late for school, you know."
"It's Saturday, you stupid git."
Darrien was right, it was Saturday. Serena's face grew crimson, like
the bat-phone on the original live-action Batman American TV series in the
60's. But then, a smile appeared on her face. She had just realised she could
blow her ¥700 lunch money at the Crown Games Center. Serena took off in the
other direction. "What a bimbo," thought Darrien as he strolled out of view.
Serena entered the Crown Games Center and headed straight for the one and only game she ever plays there, Sailor V, where she ran into her mutual
friend, the genius girl Ami Mizuno, whose shares her surname with the #1 iron
on the PGA tour. "Whatcha doing, Ami?", asked the nosey Serena.
"...Playing...Please sod off..."
"Those things'll rot your mind and make you do regrettable things like being
late for school and daydreaming, you know."
"...And being an apathetic, gluttonous little ditz?"
"Yeah."
Ami turned her concentration towards Serena, wanting to give her a
one-fingered salute, when it happened. The game was lost and that all-too
familiar clip of "losing at Sailor V" played, like it does every time someone
loses at it, for one reason or the next.
"Argh, now look what you did, Serena!"
"Well, excuuuuuuuuuse me for living."
Then in came Belldandy, and wiped everyone's mind of the incident.
she let out a snicker and disappeared.
"What was that all about?" Asked Ami.
"Some nut who thinks she's a goddess or something. I heard she made some boy's life a living hell.", replied Serena
"I hear you, sister."
*************************** 4. INTERMISSION ****************************
Hi, it's me, Kaneda, the writer and editor. If you hated this part of the
story, you may send your complaints to me at KOKOMOJOE@COMPUSERVE.COM along
with the part of the story, and I'll consider your letter SPAM and chuck it
without even reading it. Thank you. Now, on with the story at hand, already!
************************** END INTERMISSION ****************************
In came Luna, with Artemis and Mina in tow. "Who was that pale-faced
girl in the flashy attire that just jumped into a mirror across the street?",
asked Artemis.
"Some bird who acts like some sort of goddess."
"Well, even though it's so deliciously tasteless, can we please stop taking
cheap shots at 'Ah! My Goddess'? It's getting a little tired, and it's
keeping the story from getting anywhere.", Scowled Mina.
"'Ah, my what'?" Wondered Ami.
"Oh, never mind. Listen, we got trouble. We just found out that Ann and Alan
Granger are not of this planet. And, they're growing a big ugly something-or-
other in their bedroom of their appartment! We've got to go check it out.",
blurted Luna.
"Just how big _is_ this big ugly something-or-other?", asked Serena.
"About as big as the Tokyo Tower, s'all!!!" was Mina's reply.
"Why isn't MY room that big?", wondered Serena, in her mind.
Ami seemed pensive. "Well, if it's THAT big, couldn't we just get NERV to take care of it? Or at least the Samurai Pizza Cats?", she asked.
"No, Misato is over in L.A., signing her Autobiography at the Anime Expo, and
thankfully, the Pizza Cats don't exist here!", shrugged.
As they left the Game Center and crossed the street on their way to
Rei's temple to cook up a plan, Speedy Service jumped out of a passing bus,
jumping up and down, hollering, "Hey, I exist! I exist, damnit! Over here!"
Then the huge EVANGELION robot came round the corner and squashed Speedy flat.
Out popped Rei Ayanami. "We do not tolerate intruders from the KAWAII
universe, let alone Pizza Cats!", she belted out at Speedy's flattened corpse.
"Hey, thanks a million, Rei.", hollered Serena, waving.
"No problem. Tell Melvin I said hi, and ask him if he wants to try this thing
with me all over again. And where's my ¥700 you owe me, Serena?!"
"Hmph! You FAGAN!" She held out her ¥700 for EVA to take, who then handed it
to Rei Ayanami, sitting on the massive machine's shoulder.
"Been nice doing business with you!", shouted Rei as she and her robot walked
out of sight.
"But what about this Pizza Cat Roadkill here?", asked Ami.
"We'll just put it in a bag and leave it in the restaurant down the street.",
said Mina.
"But that's the Usual Restaurant! Will he be safe in there?", uttered Luna.
"Well, they're a pretty weird bunch. For all we know, they'll make friends
with him!", answered Artemis, with a smile.
================ END OF PART ONE ===================
Please stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of "SAILOR MOON: WHAT IF IT WENT
LIKE THIS..." titled "SAILOR MOON... LIVE, UNCUT, SHE BEARS IT ALL - THE
AMAZING SEQUEL TO 'SAILOR MOON: WHAT IF IT WENT LIKE THIS'"! I figured it'd
be better to cut it in half, so I could see how people liked this part! So,
write back to me, good or bad, or I won't make part two, and i'll leave you
hanging on a cliff... forever!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Anyway, i'll
give you a short synopsis about part two: they fight a few card monsters to
warm up, then they mop the floor with Ann & Alan, the twits from beyond the
galaxy. So, tune in next time, and i'll give you good service!!! G'DAY!!
\(^_^)/
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5. THE INSPIRATIVE QUOTE
"God, buddy, is that Aqua you're listening to? Argh, get away from me, you
filthy bastard!" Kaneda
(
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geocities.com/tokyo/towers) (
geocities.com/tokyo)