By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Hey, that snail was about to charge!"
Chapter 3 - April showers.
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"APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!"
Florence let out a breath. It was the kind of breath one lets out when they are trying not to release a big ball of anger onto a target. She put down the now empty milk carton, and wiped the white liquid off her face. Dougal grinned happily from his place on the floor.
"The old exploding milk carton trick", chuckled the dog, "I can't believe you fell for that one"
"Me either", muttered Florence, "April Fools Day already? Mmm, holidays do come quickly when you try to avoid them, don't they?"
"YEP!", grinned Dougal, "no hard feelings, Florence?"
Florence gave a forced grin.
"None at all, Dougal", she said, "I don't mind reeking of milk for a week, really, I don't"
Dougal, not used to Florence using sarcasm, smiled and nodded.
"Great!", he said, then pattered to the door, "right, now I've got to get everyone else"
"Lucky them", muttered Florence, then sighed, shaking her head, "I don't know how Dougal manages to stay sarcastic all the time, it makes me feel lousy"
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Unknowing of the fate that was to befall them, the other residents of the Enchanted Land were blissfully going about their buisness. Brian was humming happily to himself as he slid along. It had been a good morning so far, he'd got some DIY done in his shell, and now he was going to see the love of his life. He stopped dead, however, when Dougal lept out from behind a tree.
"Oh my God, Brian, LOOK OUT!!".
"What? What?", asked Brian, looking in every direction, "what is it?"
"Salt attack!!!!", shouted Dougal, then tugged at a rope, emptying the white contents of a bag onto the mollusc.
"HELP!!", screamed Brian, "it burns....IT BUUUUUURRRNNNNS!!!. It....."
He paused, blinking.
"....This isn't salt"
"APRIL FOOLS!!!", shouted Dougal joyfully, before tottering off.
Brian watched him go, then gave the 'salt' a sniff.
"......How unlike Dougal to waste sugar", he mused, "maybe he's sick"
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"La la la la, la la LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Dougal winced as he neared Ermintrude's shed. Maybe, maybe just one day, she'd decide NOT to sing. That would be a blissfull day for all involved, no doubt. He loitered in the door for a few moments, until the bovine noticed him.
"Heloooooo Doooouuuugaaallllll", she sang.
"Yes, that's great", winced Dougal, then gave her a sweet smile, "I just heard some GREAT news, Ermintrude"
"Oh?", asked Ermintrude, smoothing out her hat.
"Yes", said Dougal, "I heard, strictly on the grapevine, mind you, that some big opera tallent scout was staying in the village"
"An opera tallent scout?", asked Ermintrude, her face lighting up.
"Yep", said Dougal with a nod, "apparently, he's looking for someone to star in his latest piece"
"Oh...oh joy!!!", said Ermintrude happily, "finally, my chance to shine. A chance for my true tallent to be discovered!"
"I think he's leaving today", said Dougal, then added with an evil grin, "you might catch him...if you're quick"
"Of course!", said Ermintrude, hurriedly running out of her shed, "thank you, Dougal, I shall remember you when I'm rich and famous!"
"Sure you will, Ermintrude, sure you will", chuckled Dougal, moving onto his next victim.
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It didn't take Dougal long to reach Dylan's warren, or rather, one of the holes he assumed belonged to Dylan, as most of the residents didn't 'do' underground, the lapine was left in relative peace....But not today. (1)
Dougal cleared his throat, leaning down the mouth of the hole. And then he began to sing.
"Bright eyes, Burning like fire, Bright eyes, How can you close and faiiiiiil?" (2)
He paused, allowing his voice to echo through the warren. A few moments later, when he assumed the sound had reached Dylan, he heard a squeal of terror. A few moments later, Dylan dashed out of another hole.
"Not the song, NOT THE SONG!!!!", he shouted, "There's a dog loose in the woods!!!!"
Dougal watched, amused, as Dylan ran in a panicked cricle before racing off in the direction of the Village..
"Poor bunny-wunny", chuckled Dougal, "it gets him EVERY time"
With that, he headed off in the general direction of the village, humming happily to himself.
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When he got there, Ermintrude was pacing irritably by the Roundabout. Mr Rusty was leaning on the controls, watching her in the quiet way he had.
"I can't believe that lying, cheating.....MONGREL!".
Dougal had to bite his tounge to avoid shouting out that he was NOT a mongrel, but a pure-bred Maltese Terrier, thank-you-very-much.
"He does it every year", pointed out Mr Rusty calmly, "I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now".
Brian slid up sugar still piled onto the top of his shell.
"Is this the 'rant about Dougal' line?", he asked, "because I don't thin near-death experiences are all that funny"
"Tell me about it", saod Florence, hopping off the Roundabout and walking over, "just look at Dylan"
They turned to the rabbit, who was curled up in a little ball, rocking back and forth.
"Bad bunny song, bad bunny song", he chanted repeatedly.
Florence sighed, patting Dylan on the head.
"It'll take him weeks to get over this", she said, "you know how he feels about that film"
"Oh you guys just can't take a joke, can you?", said Dougal as he pattered over to them.
"I'll joke YOU a minute!", snapped Ermintrude, raising a hoof, "keep still, and I'll show you a GREAT joke, It's called 'Whack the Dog'".
Zebedee sprung into the middle of them before and all out war could break out.
"Now now, lets not resort to violence", he said, "it solves nothing"
"Says you!", snapped Ermintrude.
Zebedee smiled sweetly.
"It wouldn't be fair to treat him so harshly", he said, "especially since the candy seller has fallen ill, and his store will be closed for a week"
Dougal's face fell.
"No sugar?", he whimpered, then let out a scream, running off in the direction of the candy store, "NO SUGAR?!!!!!"
Florence glanced at Zebedee.
"It's nothing serious is it?"
"No", said Zebedee, "I just gave him a holiday. I thought you might want Dougal to have some.....discomfort at this time of the year"
The group blinked at him.
"Did I ever mention how much we all adore you?", asked Ermintrude.
"Probably", replied Zebedee, "time for bed"
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(1) - Okay, I'm not sure if Dylan ACTUALLY lives in a warren. I don't recall it ever being shown, but my memories of the show are vague to say the least. I know he slept alot by a blue tree, he was stated to have never dug a hole for years, but I dunno.
(2) - Bright Eyes, by Art Garfunkel. Famously sang in the movie adaptation of Watership Down. It is my belief that this movie must be the rabbit equivalent of a really, really bloody slasher movie. Count the rabbits that die bloody and violent deaths, really, it's frightening. Especially that dog bit at the end.
Random Tales of the Magic Roundabout
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Oh, the flesh will be tearing at the opera house tonight"
Chapter 4 - OperaMOOtics
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It was another delightful day in the Enchanted Land, the sun was shining, as always, and everyone was at peace. Basil, Coral and Florence were riding on the Roundabout, Dylan was sleeping where someone had thoughtfully propped him up against a tree, Brian was preforming minor D.I.Y tasks in his shell, and Dougal was counting his sugar cubes.
"Soon, I'll have enough for a sugar fortress", he said gleefully, "lets see them laugh at me then!!!"
"Delightful news, Darlings!", said Ermintrude happily as she trotted up, carrying a poster on her back..
"Excuse me!", sniffed Dougal, "I was talking before you. You can't just come barging into a conversation, you know!"
"But this is important!", protested Ermintrude, "more important than any of your stupid sugar-talk, THAT much is certain!"
"Shut up, Cow", said Dougal, "sugar is important, and I'LL be doing the talking, so shut your pie-hole!"
"Dougal!", snapped Ermintrude.
"MacDonalds", sang Dougal loudly, "B-urg-er- Kiiing. Steak house! Yummy yum"
Ermintrude narrowed her eyes, before clonking Dougal on the head with one of her hooves.
"You win this time", muttered Dougal darkly, backing away before she could hit him again.
Ermintrude smiled sweetly at the dog, before turning to everyone else.
"Wonderfull news", she said, tossing her poster into the crowd, "guess who JUST got invited to preform in the DalViche'areo opera concert?"
"......Is that a trick question?", asked Dougal.
Ermintrude gave him a glare, before smiling.
"ME!", she said, "they have asked ME to be one of their acts, isn't this marvelous?!!"
"Marvelous", grinned Brian happily, while the others blinked numbly.
"...They HAVE heard you sing, right?", asked Mr Rusty, arching a brow.
"They don't NEED to", said Ermintrude, "tallented people like that don't ned proof of vocal talent. They can just tell"
She bounced happily.
"Can you believe it?!!!", squeaked Ermintrude happily, "this means I will get to compete against those of a musical background as much as I. I shall get to mingle with people of my own class for once, instead of my inferiors"
"....That was like a great big hug, Ermintrude", said Brian dryly.
"It says here", said Basil, reading the paper, "that you need your own orchestra"
"Orchestra!", snorted Dougal, "the only orchestra you've got Ermintrude is Dylan!"
Ermintrude blinked, taking this in.
"Well, I will just have to make do!", she said, "the competition is for my lovely voice, not for my musical accompaniment"
Dylan's ear cocked slightly from where he'd been dozing.
"Whazat?"
Dougal grinned.
"Oh, let me tell him, PLEASE?", he said, walking over to the rabbit, "guess what, Ermintrude gets to go sing in an opera concert!"
"Good for her", murmered Dylan sleepily, "like, rock on, Ermie"
"And you have to play your guitar for her while she sings", said Dougal, glancing at the poster, "for a whole week...won't that be fun?"
THAT woke Dylan up.
"Aww, no, Dooug, man, you're kidding me!!!", he squeaked, "that's, like, cruelty to rabbits! Someone should call the RSPCA!!!"
"I am standing RIGHT here", snapped Ermintrude, "and I can hear every word"
"Perhaps things will work out well", said Zebedee, appearing from nowhere, "remember, a friend in need is a friend indee..."
Dylan grabbed the front of Zebedee's shirt desperately.
"You're not listening to me, man!", he said, his ears dropped back on his head, "I can't deal with a WEEK of Ermintrude and her singing. I am but ONE rabbit!!!!"
"Dylan", chuckled Florence, "take a breath, everything will be fine"
"Easy for you to say", Dylan retorted, "you don't have to go"
"My singing is not that bad!!!", cried Ermintrude, "oh, not even my BAND appreciates me!!"
"I appreciate you, Ermintrude", said Brain with a smile.
"That's all well and good", said Ermintrude, "but you can't play any instruments, can you? YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY HANDS!!!"
Brian considered this.
"I can play the triangle with my teeth if someone holds it up for me"
"Oh, FORGET it!", huffed Ermintrude, "Dylan, you are coming if you like it or not. That's all there is to it!!"
Dylan opened Dougal's mouth, putting his head in it.
"Like, do me a favour", he said, "and just eat me now"
"I'm not going to eat you!", snorted Dougal, backing away, "I know the places you go"
"A dog that doesn't want to kill a rabbit is an odd dog indeed", said Coral.
"I'm not odd!!", snapped Dougal, "I'm just kind hearted"
"You are a Maltese Terrier!", pointed out Basil, "terriers were BRED to kill rabbits!"
"If I didn't know better", pointed out Dylan, "I'd swear you kids wanted to do me in"
"Can we stop talking about Dougal's inability to do anything remotely dog-like and focus on ME?", said Ermintrude, "I have no music to accompany my singing if Dylan doesn't come along!!"
"Oh, for the pitty's sake!", snapped Zebedee, "Dylan, just play at Ermintrudes concert"
"But...", started Dylan.
"Time for bed!", said Zebedee, firmly.
"But..."
"I SAID, TIME FOR BED!!!!"
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