| How To Be An Ass @ Parties |
| 1) bring a container of red food coloring, and pour it into your friend's beer bottle - whisper to everybody how you've heard he has a venereal disease, and wait for him to go to the bathroom - when he pisses, the food coloring will shoot right through him and turn his piss blood red - listen for him to scream, and laugh when he comes out 2) tell everyone how much you can drink while you chug four or five warm martinis, then projectile vomit on the wall and wipe your mouth on some woman's dress 3) find the only bathroom in the house, go in and lock the door for half an hour - shit in the toilet, then stuff the bowl with toilet paper and flush - when you open the door, tell everyone waiting outside that you have the stomach flu and cough - don't cover your mouth 4) if the host has a cat, find out where the litter box is and take a shit - scatter a handful of litter on the turd, then go tell everyone and show them - keep repeating "big fucking cat" 5) talk about how badly your asshole itches, then take off your pants, sit down, and drag your ass across the carpet - make muttering references to the host and his penchant for young boys 6) when no one is looking, go upstairs and root through the dirty laundry - take a pair of the wife's or daughter's panties, and put them in your pocket - show them to your friends and let them sniff the crotch - when they notice the pussy smell, tell them "they should, his wife/daughter left them at my house last night" 7) look through the drawers until you find a camera - take the camera into the bathroom and lock the door, then stick the plunger on the mirror - slide the plunger handle into your ass, then take a picture - be sure to hide your face - several weeks will go by before they develop the film, at which point your host will appreciate your inventiveness 8) drink several cocktails, then piss yourself - keep interrupting conversations by rudely bumping into people and asking them "do you know where the bathroom is?" - when walking past couples, mutter to the men "herpes" and "fucking whore" 9) place a fancy bowl of canned dog food on the table between the party mix and crackers - watch the guest's faces as they eat the dog food and ask them how they like the fois gras, then laugh at them and tell the host - when he says "I didn't put out any fois gras", say "hmmm, that's strange" and walk away 10) jerk off into your hand and hold onto it for about ten minutes, telling everyone you have a secret - tell your host to lean close, then smear it on his face - say something like "I've been wanting to do that for weeks." - then kick him in the nuts and give him a bearhug. Sent By: Justin Gallant |
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| Posted August 3, 2001 |