| Footballs Guide To Sex |
| For all you people who use the basball terms like 1st pbase and shit there is something new and to u footy players LOL :) i'm sure u wll understand this! |
| WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (if your not on the field, get on). YOUR: 10 yard line ............. holding hands 20 yard line ............. hugging 30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek 40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips MIDFEILD ............. toungue kissing(your in serious territory) HIS/HER: 40 yard line............. shirt and bra off 30 yard line ............. all clothes off 20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving) 1ST AND GOAL............. put on the condom GOAL LINE............. TOUCHDOWN(SEXUAL INTERCOURSE) NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FEILD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE: kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date) kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep in your own end) on-side kick..............Asking out a slut(starting near midfeild, On side kicks are good if they work but are risky) kick return...............How far you get on the first date NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU: Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards(get further with her, Here in Canada you get two downs and then you best kick it. ask out a new girl cause you ain't getting further with this one. Americans are more patient they get three downs before they should kick again. Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time. Passing Play..............Skipping stages OH OH: Fumble....................Impotence Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection Interception..............Homosexuality(YOUR GOING THE OTHER WAY!!) OTHER DEFINITIONS: Turnover.................Anal sex Field Goal...............One of you orgasm, 3pts (Field goal range begins around their 30, when the clothes are off!) Touchdown................Mutual orgasm, 6pts Extra Point..............The smoke afterwards Two Point Conversion.....Smoke and a Phone number High Scoring Game........Multiple Orgasms Rain Delay...............Parents/Roommate comes home Pile Up..................ORGY Missed Feild Goal........Wide right,Wide left or even worse, to short! 3RD down and inches......Call for a measurement (Move those Yardsticks) THE OFFENSE: Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions Center(HUPPER)............Doggie Style Running Back..............A hand-off Tight End.................Self Explanatory Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination) DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days): Defensive Line............Condom Break in the defence......Condom breaks The Safety................The Pill (just to safe) A Blitz...................A "Quickie" PENALTIES: Roughing..................S & M Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints Offside...................Premature Ejaculation THE BOWLS Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex(MAKING LOVE) Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance) SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFULL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS: 1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover. 2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid-field but then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't workbecause of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10 yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!! 3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup. 4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal attempt I was short. |
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| Posted August 8, 2001 |