ROCKY V
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The ROCKY V Drinking Game
General "Rocky" Movie Rules: Heavyweight Alcoholic Rule- Everytime the "Theme from Rocky" is played, drink. Heavyweight Alcoholic Rule- (for use when watching multiple movies in a row) Rocky has pets in some movies, but not in others. Also, he shouldn't fight in "Rocky II" because of his bad eye, but it's no big deal after that. His son's god damn name changes between the fourth and fifth movies. Anytime you notice a continuity error or anything weird like that, take a drink. Special Rules for "Rocky V" Some examples of things they bring back for "Rocky V"- Micky Rocky dresses like a giggolo Father Carmine The mean streets of Philadelphia The pet store |
Rocky V was like a "What If..." comic. The pretext (Rocky loses all his money and has to retire and move back to Philedelphia in poverty) is kind of ridiculous, like "What if... Spider-man had kept his six arms", or "What if... Spider-man had kept his six arms and changed his name to The Six-Armed Aunt May Pleasure Machine", but you just kind of had to go along with it. Especially because Rocky V featured two of the coolest things to happen in a Rocky movie. 1) Rocky gets brain damage, but not the "What About Bob?" kind of brain damage where you can't dress yourself but could fill a cake pan with drool every hour, or the kind of brain damage that would make a person think that a bunch of people watching a cow shit in a field all day takes away the cow's dignity. No, Rocky just gets the kind of brain damage where you shouldn't box anymore unless it's in the street against a guy with a mullet, which brings us to the second cool thing. 2) Rocky fights in the street against a guy with a mullet. Yes Rocky V, the movie that lays bare the seamy underside of boxing (the poverty, the promoters who use boxers and then throw them away like so many Tamogachis, the shock of learning that after years of doing nothing but getting punched in the damn head, you've developed a health problem), and also lays bare the not-too-seamy-but-actually-pretty-goofy-looking world of Motley Crue haircuts (stupid umlats removed). The movie, though not a commercial success, did have a profound impact on an America entering the last decade of it's greatest century. It has slowly wormed it's way into our hearts, like a friendly, wormy heart-cancer, by enabling us to look at the screen and say, "Hey trailor park reject! Rocky's not your wife, so there's no way you can beat him!" As alluded to above, there's also a Don King type manager/promoter in the film, who's sort of an evil mastermind except really stupid and more "pain in the ass" than "evil", but boy howdy, when he gets his just deserts at the end, I just wanna' shout "YEE-HAW! You show 'im Rock!" But I usually want to keep my emotions to myself, what with all the ladies around, so I end up just silently peeing on myself a little bit, and then inconspicously leaving the room to lay down in the bathtub and ball until I pass out. And making you cry yourself to sleep in a pool of excrement is really the best way for any series of films to end, making Rocky I through V the best film series in history, with the possible exception of the Mad Max movies, which cause me to pee, cry, and pass out, but also sing and learn to love again, and then pee more, and sometimes make a little raft out of Cheerios and float an ant around in the pee. (UPDATE- according to a concerned psychologist who wrote in, these are not "normal" reactions to movies. Well all I can say is, "just keep hiding behind your fancy white-bread 'science' Mr. Shrinky Shrink, because I don't need your rules to tell me how to be! I listen... [slowly brings hand up to chest, points to approximate location of heart] to what's in here... [at this point, falling down and peeing again immenent]". |
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