Area Man Speaks Only In Pop-Culture References for Entire Day
BOULDER, Colorado, April 2, 2002-
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A local man named Jacob Spelding, 19, has not uttered a single word or phrase that doesn't make reference to at least one pop-culture artifact or legend in the last twenty-four hours. Spelding, known to his friends and family as "Duckie", after the lovable sidekick portrayed by John |
"Yeah, Duckie used to always, you know, say [things] he heard in movies and stuff, but he's gone like, psycho lately, and [things]," said Cheri Clementeen, Spelding's supervisor at Good Times, the fast food restaurant where he works. "Yesterday, I told him to clean the gum off of the underside of like, my desk, before he went home, and instead of like, getting all grumpy or whatever, he said 'No job is too big, no fee is too big', and he cleaned it up. Later, someone told me that was a line of Ghostbusters, or some [things] like that."
"It's true," said Duckie's former girlfriend of a year and a half Lisa Sizemoore. "He's always talked that way, but since I broke up with him two weeks ago, every day when I come over to hang out I've noticed him doing it more and more. I asked him how he was doing, and he just said 'I'm dying how are you.' Like in Tombstone."
Those close to Spelding say that they are worried for the young man, and they want to know how they can help. "The poor boy," said Spelding's mother, Louanne. "I almost blame myself for what's happening to him. Almost. I know it wasn't my fault, though. Probably you people should be talking to his father. I'm going now. No comment."
Still, others close to Spelding have a different perspective on the issue. His best friend Kaleb Braughtegen, told reporters, "yeah, at first I was worried. I mean, I must have heard him quote Simpsons episodes about a million times, but then yesterday we were in the car on the way to the store to buy a present to bring to his little sister in the hospital, and he just shouted, 'Jeebus! Why have you forsaken me?' Later when he dropped me off at home, he said, 'Goodnight,' and I was about to tell him that that was the first non-quote I'd heard him speak all day, but then he added 'sweetheart well it's time to go, bo-do-bo-do-bum,' like that song they sing in Three Men and a Baby. It made me really sad."
As to why the young man has retreated to a world of pop-culture quotes rather than using real, original speech, little can be certain. While some consider drug use a possibility, others say it could be stress, and still others blame his father. When asked why he was doing it, Spelding said only, "Women, can't live with them, pass the beer nuts."