 Back in olden times, Baseball went by it's original name, "Penis-Base Ball", or just "Penisball" for short. It wasn't until 1937, after an uproar over the "Little Penis League World Series of Pedophelia", that the sport's name officially became the one we know today.  Baseball is partly responsible for two major developements in men's hair styles: Mutton Chops and Neck Warmers. I don't know if the vast impact and importance of these styles can be exactly quantified, but if you can imagine a world without banana peels and flower pots dangling precariously on the edges of window sills, you can imagine the loss the comedy world would be at without Mutton Chops and Neck Warmers. |
Today we'll look at the National Passtime, and I don't mean... (real quick, people often ask me how I'm able to write and publish so many mediocre jokes all the time. The key is, take a joke that sounds like something you might have heard before, such as "baseball has been replaced by drinking cum from a shot glass as the new National Passtime", then add your own "original" punchline, ie. replace the shot glass thing with something about animal rape or whatever. If you're Norm MacDonald, make the punchline something about prison sex, if you're Tim Allen, make it something about fighting with your wife, if you're George Carlin, make it something about the First Amendment... hippy, if you're Kevin Smith, make it something about how cruel the world treats tortured geniusess like Kevin Smith, if you're Jay Leno, make it something extremely not funny about one of the presidents, and if you're Sam Kinneson, just scream 'Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!' at the top of your screechy voice.
You see, you can have any style you want, just based on the punchline you tack on to a joke you didn't write. Try one at home! And remember, if you want to be really funny, and I mean Internet Rant Page funny, just write INSERT VULGAR BASEBALL JOKE HERE, or something, for the punchline, because no one has ever thought of that before. It's like you're commenting on humor, at the same time as you're writing humor! People will think of you as a totally severe rebel mastermind, who's shaking up the entire free humor industry. "It's Meta Comedy, baby, because I just don't need their rules anymore.")... and so I told him "No, I said pitcher, the pitcher lost the balls!" We both laughed so hard. Ahh, what a great joke. Anyway, when I was in high school, I wasn't too interested in sports, because guys who were interested in sports didn't tend to get along with me and guys I hung out with. We distrusted the amount of pussy they got, and they distrusted males who preferred hard liquor to light beer and bitch cocktails. I guess if your main concern is getting your unsuspecting date to swallow the sleeping pills, cocksucker drinks are probably your ally. But anyway, after the teen-angsty, clique-ridden years ended, the animosity pretty much went away. It was as though 90% of the graduating class suddenly said to themselves, "Enemies? I don't need enemies... I need a fucking job! Oh shit what the hell am I gonna do!?!" So let that be a word of wisdom to any high school kids considering Kleebolding their school. About 15 minutes after graduation neither you nor almost anyone else will be able to possibly force themselves to care about any rivalries they had during the last four years. Excepting a few uber-assholes (from your side and theirs, by the way) who will probably never get over high school. They probably have a disease like rickets but in the brain that causes them to be unable to change their priorities after the age of 16. These guys make up most of the fraternity population and also the sitting-on-our-ass-in-a-coffee-shop-all-day-bitching-about-fraternity-guys-and-developing-our-radical-counter-culture-agendas population in college. And in five years they'll all be working in cubicles on the same floor. The guys who drop out of school are the best, though, as they tend to be way more interesting, well adjusted (not neurotic), and nice than any of the fuckers still living in high school when they're 26, but the drop-out guys also clean out the toilets which get clogged up after one of the office guys losses his balls and decides to flush the hateful manifesto he wrote about his imaginary jock-nerd class war, rather than nail it to someone's desk. I call that justice. |
How Baseball can make something cute:     So basically, Baseball, though a manly-ish, sort of tough sport, can turn a total dork into Hello Kitty in just 4 short steps. |