January - March 03

Question: What is borderline personality disorder? 
    -Danielle
Answer: Though I am not a psychiatrist, I do have a basic grounding in psychiatry and psychology. Borderline personality disorder occurs when a patient is required to wait in long lines at any border between two countries. The disorder was first identified in the late 20th century by physicians observing persons in line at the Mexican/American and American/Canadian borders. Symptoms include irritability, uncomfortable rash and an inability to remember the sixteen liters of liquor in the trunk. The condition is rare in the 30th century since fundamentally all national borders on Earth are now defunct, though there is still a checkpoint between Canmerixo and the Free Republic of Missouri.

Q: Does "popcorn" have any effect on the body?
    -John D.
A: I am unfamiliar with this particular compound, but from the name I would assume it is useful in curing corns on one's feet.

Update: I was informed that "popcorn" is actually a type of snack food. In order to ascertain the medicinal benefits of this particular treat, I am asking readers to send samples of the aforementioned food to Dr. Zoidberg, c/o Planet Express. Since rigorous controlled trials must be undertaken, large quantities of the food are necessary. Rest assured that your contributions will further the goals of science.

Q: I have a really bad smell coming from my armpits, is there a cure?
    -Bleep
A: Of course not! The armpit is the location of the stink gland, which is necessary to attract a mate. The more pungent the odor, the more attractive you are to a potential mate. Masking this odor would leave you lonely, like Zoidberg, and poor, like Zoidberg!, and probably hungry, so hungry, like Zoidberg!

Q: Can you send me something from the future?
    -Ian
A: Unfortunately, two factors hinder my ability to send anything backwards through time. Firstly, the mechanism used to time-shift information between your present and mine is extremely difficult to maintain and configured only to handle text and images. Secondly, I don't own anything, so I have nothing I could send you. I will, however give you a glimpse of the future. It is a bleak, horrible place where I go to bed hungry every night and am abused by everyone, including passing street people and mimes. If it were possible to send myself back to your time, an idyllic time when anchovies roamed the Earth, I would do so. Armed with a disintegration ray, I would enslave humanity. Then we'd see who's pushing who around!

Q: Should I dye my hair purple?
    -Momo
    (Editor's Note: Momo self-describes as "A 29-year-old high school pupil with 17 blue eyes, 6 green ones and 8 red ones, a sharp chin, a flabby neck, missing teeth and a cute li'l nose stud")
A: Purple hair is more usually associated with people named Leela, not people named Momo. I suggest you make an appointment to personally consult with the doctor, in private. Wear your most revealing lingerie, it will, um, speed the examination process.

Q: Why do you laugh when tickled? Are you ticklish?
A: The motion one makes when tickling is akin to that made by certain primitive cultures when someone is placing a spell or curse upon a person (waggling the fingers, approaching menacingly, etc.) Your reaction to being tickled is a primitive superstitious response in some tiny, forgotten portion of your brain, let's call it the squid-brain area. What sounds like laughter is actually your squid-brain screaming in terror and the squirming is an attempt to flee the imagined danger of being enchanted. As a higher life form, we crustaceans do not retain vestigial brain matter that serves no purpose towards fulfilling our superior lives. In other words, no, I am not ticklish.