We now return to our regularly scheduled program "Zup's Life" starring ZupTD.

Sorry for the figurative commercial break from the past week plus. I'm trying to find a new zone as far a my journaling is concerned. I'm finding that a my life morphs from week to week and month to month my times commitments and activity levels in different areas change. We'll see where it all leads. I wrote the first portion of this right after Easter....just so you are clear on the time frame.

Sigh....there is far too much yumminess out there. I wish it would just knock at my door. Everything would be much easier that way.

Last week Robb pointed me to a homepage with pictures of a very cute young tennis player. I was most impressed. On Saturday I got to view much more yumminess too. The relatives had men's gymnastics on the TV, and what can I say? Gymnasts have to have some of the sexiest bodies out there IMHO. And some of them are damn cute too.

Speaking of bodies and cute tho, I saw another very fine sight on Saturday. My parents managed to get me to put in a few hours helping at the business, and this guy who came to pick up an order was very awesome. He's the son of one of our regular customers, and he has driven the truck for them often in the past couple of years. He's basically the same age as me within a year or so. Anyways, I remember the first time I saw him, probably about four years ago. At the time, I had been working on the concept for a comic book with a friend of mine, and this guy looked exactly how I wanted one of the characters to look. I so wish that I had a camera then, as I did not see him again for two years since I was down in Columbus the following summer on my first co-op.

Last year I was back working for my parents again, and he drove out to pick up orders regularly. He had changed noticably since the previous time I saw him. I have to assume he had been doing some serious weight training, most likely for football or something like that at school, but perhaps not. I could not tell much about his lower body, because he always wore work pants, but he had a very nice upper body; you could probably call it massive. His arms were particularly noticable.

So, back to the present, all I can say is wow! It's hard to believe that someone who already had that much muscle could be any bigger, but he was. I'm such a bad judge of size, but I really have to swear that he must have arms somewhere around 18 inches. And before someone says it, no I don't think the muscle is "chemically induced". The size seemed freaky, but not really unnatural if you understand what I mean. And I have seen guys much bigger than that, but this was really not a scary big, but a very attractive big. But anyways, besides that, he has a cute face, and a nice smile, and from the few times we've talked briefly he seems really nice, if somewhat quiet. Of course, all of my drooling is probably for nothing, but sometimes you just can't help yourself, you know?

All this talk does have me thinking about what it is that I'm looking for in a man. That's such a hard thing to nail down because there really are different things I like in different people, both physically and otherwise. I think I'm sort of going to go down the list and look at my "ideal" but also what I think are most important things to me. A lot of things in my "ideal" are far from mandatory, but just happen to be the image that first comes to mind when I think about what I like.

I guess I'll start with the physical stuff, as it's less critical, so to speak. Not that I'm discounting physical attraction, but I'm much more flexible, I assume, with that than I am with personality issues. Starting from the top and moving down for the sake of some type of order, let me first say that I'm all about blond hair....and also about long hair. Let me say right now that for all of my friends, male and female, I have never once given my approval to either chopping off long hair or to dying blond hair a different color. To my credit, I have found that uniformly they have eventually realized the error of their ways and repented to both long and blond. In any case, the dark-haired guys need not worry tho, because I know plenty of guys with dark hair who are extremely attractive. In any case, I am very happy when my own hair bleaches out when I'm outside a lot over the summer.

Moving down from there, I'm not too particular about faces. There are so many elements that make up the face, such complexity, and for the most part I can't even express what makes some faces so beautiful. And it's more than what is physically there....so much is in a person's modes of expression, in subtle body language type stuff. In general I suppose I like more delicate features, not exactly feminine, but somewhat on the thin side I guess. I guess there is a certain type of nose that I find interesting.... The best description I can give would be medium-rounded. If anyone is not sure what I mean, feel free to ask me, and maybe I can explain better or give examples. Oh, and of course there are eyes. That piercing steel blue is very nice, but once again, I can't pin things down with eyes.....the whole of the face is much more important than any one specific feature.

As far as body in general, I can go for anything from fairly thin to pretty freakily muscular in theory. I really should say "in theory" for everything tho, because knowing what looks nice and knowing what you enjoy being physical with are two different things, and I don't have much experience with the latter. Most likely something in between is where my mind really lies.

Some people make a big deal about height....to me it doesn't matter a whole lot. I've mulled this over in the past, and it's really the shape more than size that is interesting. I really don't even notice peoples' heights that much....I tend to adjust my gaze naturally to whomever I'm speaking to so that I don't register specifics a lot of times.

I'm not all that into body hair. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that I don't think it is especially attractive on me and I would just as soon be rid of it. I will admit that there are occasional guys who have just the right amount of the right type of hair in the right places, but I think that's pretty rare.

Overall, I'm just looking for someone who is fairly thin and has a moderate amount of muscle. I like all the wonderful things, nice pecs, v-tapered back, defined abs, etc. If I suspected that I had better than average pecs, back, abs or anything else myself, I might be more picky, but I can't really see the point in setting my standards higher than those I set for myself. I suppose the one body part that I probably find most attractive tho, are the legs. For whatever reason the legs are something that I'm always looking for. All muscular legs are beautiful, but I'm more into legs with greater mass than thinner legs. If you have a really nice set of legs, you already have a couple of plusses in my book....<g>

Well, that's all I have to say about my physical attractions. I probably didn't say much, fairly general, but then again, I expect that I'm not that hard to please...it's more a question of what degree of pleased.

Now for the part that's harder to put into words. As far as non-physical attributes go, I actually sat down before falling asleep a couple nights ago and tried to think all this through and distill it down to some basic essences. Once again, I may have something intelligible, but I'm not quite sure.

I'm looking for someone who is intelligent. I like a man that I can have conversations with, whether about science or world affairs or books, or just some silly nerdy stuff. A specific area of knowledge is not really the key, but rather an inquisitive and learning attitude. I don't care if my man would understand chemical engineering necessarily, but if your first reaction to me trying to explain something would be "that's too hard, I don't even want to bother trying to understand," this is something I would be seriously unhappy with. What I'm looking for is an attitude that combines the traits of teacher and student....a love of knowledge and understanding.

I'm attracted to someone with a vision for his life, someone who has both short term and long term goals and ideas. For me, vision and goals are both a personal thing and something that has to do with the greater good. I'm very oriented towards the big picture and the long term...to being a part of things that transcend the limited bounds of "me" and encompass something larger and greater. To me, a person without goals is someone who is aimlessly adrift....it's ok to drift sometimes, but it needs to be for a reason (experience, personal growth, self discovery, stress relief, etc) and should have a planned end to it. In the same sense, a person without vision can get trapped in routine and repetition, never really moving forward, just standing still. I have goals and vision for my life, and I know that I would have to fall in love with someone who also possesses these. Anything else would drag me down....but two people with goals can motivate each other, feed off of the collective enthusiasm.

In a related sense, I'm looking for someone who is an optimist more often than not. Not necessarily someone who is bouncing off the walls with joy 24/7, but someone who can be uplifting when I am down and who is willing to let me support him when he is feeling down. I'm all about being there for the people I love and hopefully having them be there for me in return. I need someone who is sensitive, who understands that sometimes a hug and just a physical presence is what I need. Who is willing to just be there and listen sometimes.

I'm looking for a man who can appreciate the little things in love, both giving and receiving. Someone who doesn't need wild parties and endless strings of events and extravagance to keep him interested, but who is willing to do wild extravagant things occasionally just for the variety. In connection to this, tonight after church on campus we had a program about sex....it was sortof like a dialogue. One of the things that came up was that in general the physical part of relationships is comparatively easy. The difficult part is maintaining intimacy on other levels. Often people forget about all the little things that they did when they were dating; long walks, holding hands, little gifts and thoughtful things like cards. I guess that all that is something important to me, and something that, because it is important to me, I think about a lot as far as what I'm doing in a relationship. Those are exactly the kind of things that help to keep the romance and passion alive in the midst of life's routine.

Well, there you have it, a few of Zup's thoughts on what is important in a man. I think the thing that ties all of this together is that I'm looking for someone with a positive attitude towards life. All the individual traits seem to flow together to me. The commonality, I think, is that they are all traits that are needed to grow as a person. I know that for me, life has been about continuing to grow, and my ideal man is one who will grow along with me, not hold me back or stagnate himself. I talked a few weeks ago about a relationship being a partnership, and this is one of the places where that comes in....mutually supporting each other through our goals and struggles.

This was not meant to be some giant relationship want ad, even though I suppose it sounds like it. I guess I just needed to write out some of my thoughts on what I'm looking for so I could sort through them better. Though, if by chance you think, after reading all this and my other journal entries, that you just might be close to being my ideal friend, confidant, lover, and life partner, please do write me. It would be unfortunate if I was doomed to never fall in love with my perfect partner because you didn't even bother to say hi.

Well, I'll just leave you with that I guess. Good to be writing again.

Okie.....sigh....I just got through reading Graydon's journal entry, after having read Robb's this morning at work. All that's going on with Aaron is rather troubling. I'm in a rather disturbed mode at the moment after reading about gunmen blowing people away at a Colorado high school and Serb and NATO people blowing people away in Kosovo....I won't post this til tomorrow (the 21st) because the words are coming slowly. I am getting a glass of milk and a Nutty Bar, and I think I'm going to curl up into a ball while I type....brb

...ok, I'm back and more or less the same as when I left, except I have a Nutty Bar to comfort me....more than they have in Kosovo I suppose. Despite the fact that my life seems to be nothing but positives at the moment, I can't help but feel a bit helpless with all the craziness going on in the world.

Hmm....what's that you say Robb?

Sounds like me right now, wanting to say something but not finding any words that seem appropriate. As much as we claim to control our own destinies, "I feel helpless," is something that people continue to say. The problem is that we may control ourselves and our own actions, but we really have no control of anything else. Some religious people who I respect a lot have said that in your times of helplessness, you can place your trust in God and let him take up your problems and worries. I know that this probably flys in the face of all the intellectual atheists out there, all the 'Ayn Rand'ites of the world. I've heard the point argued so many times about the superior human mode of living being one of supreme independence, free will, and personal strength, what I would call the "cult of the self". I personally find Ayn Rand and those of her ilk to be abhorrant, self centered, and far more unpalatable than the type of people she criticised.

In any case, after reading journal entries, I looked to Anthony De Mello for guidance. De Mello was a Jesuit who wrote a book called Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality, which I just happen to own. Of the various books I have by Jesuits, Buddhists, and other deep religious thinkers, this one is probably the toughest to read because he basically starts by telling you that the good things you do are not really good, the positive thoughts you have about yourself and others are wrong, and even your most pure actions are motivated by greed, selfishness, and self aggrandizement. If you make it through all that and don't burn the book or lose all hope in humanity, then you might have the opportunity to gain some deep enlightenment if you really work at it for a long time....we note that I have not even had time to finish reading it yet......heh.

I'm not saying that Robb's desire to help Aaron or be a better friend to him isn't valid in some sense. However, you've manufactured this feeling of guilt basically as punishment to make yourself feel better about not being there for Aaron. We try to make ourselves feel better by making ourselves feel worse. The frustration is really linked to trying to do something now and not being able to because this "guilt" gets in the way. All I can suggest is that you try to move beyond that.....recognize that you burying yourself with guilt over the past is not what Aaron needs *now*. I know that getting over that kind of stuff is not easy, I am Catholic and therefore a master of guilt after all.

Taking a more sensitive and less analytical tone, I really identify completely....it was only a month or so ago that I was on my own rant about the what-ifs of me being more proactive in communicating with other journalers. I know Robb remembers that because he gave me some advice that I'm going to return to him now: "don't sweat it."

And what do I have to say to you, Aaron?

Well, I don't know when you'll read this, so I run the risk of being untimely. And I'm also letting the caution go a bit and risking being just plain wrong, so the only disclaimer I give is that all this is intended as from one friend to another, and I'm just trying to be as honest as possible.

Basically I have to admit that I was slightly wrong in what I said about you before. I led myself to believe that you had grown up more than you really had. I think everyone did, including you. What kind of a friend is it that deludes you into believing something that's not true? What kind of a friend is anyone to anyone else sometimes. I like to think that I'm diplomatic and nicer than other people sometimes, but there is such a fine line between being nice and minimizing the truth to maintain and build an illusion that everything's OK. I'm OK, you're OK.....yah right, whatever. I really despise my way of doing things sometimes, because my "compromising" personality sometimes leads me to affirm things about my friends even when I really disagree about them.

In his entry Graydon said:

I had such a strange reaction to this, it struck me as an incredibly funny statement in such an ironic way. Mainly it was the idea that someone would think that 21 is anything other than a kid.....this led to the realization that we do that very thing all the time despite ourselves. I truly think that the transition we face as young adults in our late teens and early twenties can be so profoundly difficult. We're going from a world of kids that are trying so hard to be adults to one of adults that spend life acting like kids. I had to laugh at the folly of humanity. It takes someone like Graydon to point this out to the world.

Of course you're just a kid! Hell, I'm nearly 23 and I'm just a kid...I like to delude myself at times into believing otherwise, but delusions will be shattered, and are on a regular basis. We all delude ourselves into believing otherwise, placing up delusions to make things out to be bigger and better than they are in reality.

Geeze.....when you really think of it, all of us are just children in this world. When you look at all the foolishness and fighting and stupidity and general crap that goes on in the world, what does it come down to? People are children who act on their base desires and fears most of the time instead of any form of higher motivation or purpose. Anthony De Mello has stuff to say about this too.....heck, just go out and buy the book.....it's better that way.

Basically, you're still fucking things up. That's not a judgment, it's the truth. It doesn't change my opinion of you though. I like you as much as I did last week, last month, or last year. Notice that I did not say you're a fuck-up. That would be identifying you with the actions...that would be wrong. Actions happen...they start and they end.....*you* continue on...they're no more a permanent part of your being than the shirt you're wearing. I certainly do the same thing, just not as noticably I'm sure. For that matter fucking up doesn't change who the essential you is.....the essential you, who you really are, is something that transcends all the momentary actions, it's something that I value a lot. The phrase, 'I like you for you,' is so cliché, but I think it's appropriate nonetheless.

I don't know what effect I'm having with this, and I think I might be straying around a bit. Basically, I want to reassure you that it's ok to be going through issues and rough stuff still. It's important to realize that you make mistakes and understand what led to them. It's also important to try to learn from them. I know all this advice is old, but sometimes it helps to hear it again. And you know how to get a hold of me if you ever need someone new to talk to.

I'm in the midst of a feeling of general wellness at the moment. I had various deep philosophical and angst ridden things to say last week, but I was too busy write what I wanted to, and the time is not right anymore.....the window of opportunity has been missed, but that's ok, because I am confident that shit will happen eventually and I will get another chance to angst....;-)

Last Friday was our annual end of the year dinner for Model UN. The reason I was so busy all week was that I was trying to get together a cool gift for our members who are graduating this year. We've never done a gift before, but then again this is the first time that we've had 7 active members graduating. My idea was to get a photographic print made, combining the group pictures from the four conferences we attended this year. In the end, we had a beautiful 8 by 10 inch photo that had "CWRU Model UN" at the top and "1998-1999" at the bottom, and the four group photos from Kent, Harvard, Berkeley, and Chicago with captions identifying each one. The seniors were thrilled, and other members of the club bought copies for themselves to subsidize the gifts.

The process of trying to get the pictures made almost didn't come off. That was the reason for my insane week. First, I had to hunt down the original photographs, and find ones that were of good enough quality. This was compounded by having to get some rolls of film developed to get the pictures. That took days...tracking people down at the beginning of finals week was not easy. Then I had to get them scanned in.....the photo place could have actually done that, but at $10 per scan, we saved a lot by doing it ourselves. After that, I had to get the stuff to the photo editing place, which necessitated my taking time from work to drive downtown during normal business hours. But in the end, I got it all done, and it was worth it.

So anyways, back to dinner.....this year we went to Otani's a Japanese Hibachi resturant. It was really great; good food and much fun. I have not been to a Japanese resturant since my family went to Disney World and Epcot Center in 1986. Lots of people got chicken.....I splurged and got shrimp. We gave out "dubious distinction awards," which are basically homemade certificates commemmorating some of the silly things people did over the year and some of the inside jokes. My friend John, who was Secretary General for our conference gave gavels as gifts to his key staff members. I was thrilled about getting a gavel, because I have never had one of my very own up til now. We also gave John a big plaque for all the time he has devoted to the club over the past four years.

I guess I had not mentioned that the Model UN team managed to garner a third place award at ChoMUN II in Chicago a couple weeks back. I wish I could have been there, but I had to work during the week, and plane tickets were much too expensive to justify flying out for basically one day. I ended up covering for us running our booth at the Saturday Sampler, the prospective student activity faire. There was some good interest there, and hopefully we will keep pace with the past year in recruiting new members for the club this fall.

The other big thing before I move on from Model UN, is that we had Presidential elections a few weeks back and chose a new Exec. Board. Johan was elected president, which really pleased me. I inititally had intended to run for president, but I didn't for various reasons. In retrospect I think it was a good idea, because I have been so involved in the behind the scenes running of the club and decisionmaking for the past 4 years that I don't think I could have taken the kind of fresh approach that he's been able to do. As it is, he chose me to fill the Vice President slot, where I can really work under his leadership and provide my own style of advice. Our new leadership is really mixed too, with 2 Seniors, 2 Juniors, and 2 Sophomores, so we won't be at risk of a leadership gulf in the near future, which happens to so many clubs.

Besides Model UN, my last few weeks have still been busy.....lots of parties have been going on with so many of my friends graduating. Two weekends ago I went home for a day or so and got to see my friend Karen from home. Both she and I are in the wedding party for our friend Jeff and his fiance Jaime on June 20. I got fitted for a tux and we wandered about the mall a bit. Then last week we had our last Taize prayer service for the year. Taize is an ecumenical community of brothers in France, and the prayer is a really neat experience combining scriptural readings, silent meditition, and a particular form of music consisting of short repeated verses combined in very neat harmonies. The music is the centerpiece of the service, and is one of the most wonderfully fun and relaxing experiences. This past weekend was the MUN dinner of course, then Saturday I got to see Shades of Grey play at Arabica again.....I hung out with a few friends and just let the music take me away....it was so nice after all the craziness that is par for the course in my life.

The coming weeks have much more fun in store for me.....this weekend is Marcon, a sci-fi and gaming convention in Columbus. My friend Mickey asked me if I wanted to go down, so I am probably going to meet up with her and some other people either Friday or Saturday. Steve Jackson will be there, so I expect I will meet him and try to schmooze with the SJG people. I really want to play some GURPS at conference to get an idea of what other Game Masters do with the game and how they operate. If I ever want to be a decent game master I need to play more with different people and really see how other people do this kind of stuff. I also may splurge a bit and acquire another article of clothing towards a vaguely medieval costume. I currently have a cloak and hood with crennelated collar that I got the the Great Lakes Medieval Faire about 4 years ago, and I would like to get an appropriate shirt or pair or long leather boots to go with it. Somehow, a cloak and tennis shoes and a t-shirt will not cut it.....;-)

Monday I've been invited to join Dean Bassett of the CWRU College of Arts and Sciences at a dinner sponsored by the Cleveland Council on World Affairs. Former Senator George Mitchell, who helped negotiate the Northern Ireland peace plan is going to be the guest speaker. I'm looking forward to the dinner especially because it might give me a chance to talk up Model UN things with the CCWA people and with Dean Bassett.

The following weekend is graduation, and I have currently 3 parties and a Graduation Mass that I have to work in. Saturday night is going to be pretty crazy, but I expect that I will get to a few clubs down in the Flats before the night is over, which pleases me to no end. For living in the area all my life, I really have little idea of places to go out to and whatnot.....that will all change soon.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago I had wanted to cheer for Mickey and for Arti. It was very pleasing to see that they have both gotten rid of the sortof funk they were in. Arti is so cool, and it really pained me to see her going through the kind of depression state she was in for a few weeks. Same thing with Mickey....even though it might be rough at first trying to make things work in Seattle, it is good that he is finally getting out and working again. The stagnation that he seemed to be in up in Vancouver was not a good thing in my estimation. I hope their lots continue to improve in the coming weeks and months.

And finally, I think, I should compliment Robb on the various new things he's done/is doing to his site. It's really gotten more and more spiffy recently, a lot of it in little ways. In connection to his ranting on the weather comments from the other day, I might agree that the weather has not been very normal of recent, but I can't say I mind too much. Unlike Spokane, Cleveland has been mostly sunny and warm the entire week. It has largely been in the mid to upper 70s this week....woo!

Hmm......did a bit of nostalgia today. I stopped home last night to pick up a few things, and found a box of photos I hadn't seen in a while. Today I sorted through them and combined them with the stacks I had here already. I now have a box of photos that stretch from nearly 1990 to the present. It's amazing how much I have on film, even if I feel like I sometimes don't take enough pictures. I discovered some good pics that I will post sometime, and some pics that I hope to never show another living soul.

Sorry for the lack of deep thoughts....I'm sure that my lightheartedness is more a good thing than a bad thing. I need to spend some time getting my stuff together to travel down to Marcon.

Last updated 6 May 1999.