Ok, I'm going to force a journal entry out today one way or another......I figure that if I don't do this now, I might as well give up on this whole thing. It's been well in excess of a month since I wrote last, but you already knew that. As usual I put together at least one entry that I never finished, and maybe I'll include bits from it in here later on.

I was going to try to give this some chronological ordering, but it looks like it's going to be a mish-mash of stuff. That's what I get for waiting a month to write I suppose. I just finished taking a cold shower, which was kinda nice actually. The temperature in Cleveland has been getting up to around 85 each day since about Saturday, and the classic Cleveland humidity has been out in full force. It's the kind of weather that makes you feel like you need another shower every hour or two. It is arguably better than a slushy winter day, but I'll get tired of this weather soon enough.

On the bright side, warmer weather means less clothing on people, and more eye candy. Unfortunately things have been limited on that front due to finals and me living off campus, but one has to savor the moments I guess. I got to see the really hot guy from my engineering classes without a shirt yesterday. He was out playing volleyball with a bunch of other people, and even though it was a brief amount of view, it confirmed my imagination. Unfortunately, according to someone who might know better than I, he's quite not into guys....oh well.

I'm envious of all the people in relationships these days. I'm sortof at the point where it's depressing to have to hear about that kins of stuff. I guess that's the price I pay for going to an engineering school....I guess the gay life isn't very happening here....there's more lesbians in Spectrum, even though there are less women at this university. Two of my roommates are dating people right now. One is a relationship with a girl in Florida that he met over spring break, so it's not live, but she was up to visit this past weekend. The big downside of all this is that everyone hangs out less and less, leaving me wanting for social interaction a bit.

I did run into Paul, my current pseudo-interest two Saturdays ago at Springfest. Springfest is this event they have on campus every year with local and campus bands and games and food, and the various clubs can set up booths with games and info. I was helping run the Model UN booth for the day, and the weather was gorgeous all weekend, so it was nice to be out there. We continued in our tradition of tasteless international games, in the memory of race the endangered species and the nuke-the-world dart game. This year we had two games, world leader (and Christina Aguilera) ring toss and the Elian Gonzalez water race (with Elian, Janet Reno and Fidel on windup water toys. I think people liked our games.....hehe.

Anyhow Paul got there later in the day. That's the first time I've run into him since February. I guess he was working on reports and projects all day, and continuing again after his brief break. We talked maybe 5 or 10 minutes and then he was going back to work in the lab I guess. I don't know anymore whether I should even be thinking about this honestly. I think that I've been idealizing him in my mind all this time, quite possibly. In some sense I don't have any idea of how to make him aware that I'm interested without being crass about it. There are just so few opportunities considering that we go to the same small university.

Hell, it'd be nice if there were any gay people that I could just hang out with. Honestly there's just no social life in that respect around here. I'm doubly socially stunted I guess.

On a further dismal note, I had an interview with the company that I was raving about back in March. The interview was completely different from any other I've had, but the result was more or less the same. Here I though that being honest about my desire to work in the international environmental arena someday would help me, but I could hardly have made a worse choice. Where other companies gave me blank looks and questioned how my long term goals could be compatible with their company, here he talked about life philosophies and questioned whether the company would be compatible with my long term goals. It was all the same in the end, even if the approach was different. He told me to do some soul searching and get back to him if I'm still interested, but I suspect that he basically signed the execution order for my interest.

In the end, everyone wants you to have no other goal than to work for their company forever. On the other hand, I know very few people who expect to be working at their first employer for more than 3 to 5 years. For most people, anything more than that is a lie these days. Everyone wants to hire experience, but no one wants to give that experience in the first place. I don't know that anyone seems to realize that employers and employees seem to be at odds on this, but it seems very clear to me.

Now you'd think that someone out there would find my honesty refreshing. You'd think they would be happy that I wouldn't be leaving them for a competitor at least. You'd think that they would realize that I really mean it when I say this is a long term goal and the UN is looking for people with decades of experience, multilingual, one or more graduate level degrees and a host of other qualifications that I'd need time to achieve. But it doesn't matter somehow....and in any case, there must be other reasons that I'm not marketable. No one would know what to do with me I guess. All the political environmental places are looking for people with liberal arts/ management skills.....All the environmental engineering companies are looking for civil engineers with experience. I don't even know where to start. I feel like I've wasted 5 years getting a chemical engineering degree.

So, on a bright note, I am expecting to graduate. I think I made it through my finals with enough positives to pass all my classes at least. Actually this isn't really all that much of a bright note considering how I will probably have at least one D this semester and having a degree doesn't seem to be getting me a job anyhow. I'm really bitter about everyone else getting all these good grades, considering how I've never been a very good student. I don't know if I just don't try hard enough or if there's some secret I don't understand or something. At times I feel like there are all these little things conspiring against me. I don't even feel like going on anymore with this line of thought, as it's really not very productive.

So, on another completely different but no less unencouraging note, my traveling plans have had to be scaled back yet again, to something completely different from what they started as. Now, instead of a grand adventurous road trip, I'm considering flying out to San Francisco for a few days, flying up to Seattle from there for a few days, and then flying back to Cleveland. It looks like the airfare could be as low as $530 if I don't wait too long to get tickets. I should be excited that I can still take the trip at all, considering time and money constraints, but somehow it just seems to fit into the large anticlimax that has made up the past six months for the most part.

I had to get the flywheel on my car replaced a couple weeks ago. It was lovely to be without my car for two weeks and to have to depend on other people to drive me places, or in some cases just having to walk and lose more precious study time. As a bright note, the combination of $400 for the repair, my car being in running order again, and not driving for my trip (not to mention being jobless) will probably allow me the luxury of driving my old car for at least a few more months instead of getting a new one as was the plan at one point. This is most pleasant, as I was starting to question whether I'd miss all the frequent repairs and monetary outlays for my old car.

I guess that I'm thankful for the Model UN at least. We went to dinner last Friday at a nifty Slovenian restaurant. The club got me a very nice engraved momento with a frosted glass globe of the world on top. It's nice to know that I'm well appreciated by some people for my hard work and dedication and skills.

Thursday begins the time of partying I guess. They're having the official senior send-off party that evening. Then Friday our friend Andy is having a party, followed by the big party at my place on Saturday. Starting Thursday and going through the next Thursday are senior week activities. This includes a canoeing trip, Thistledown Racetrack (horses), Cedar Point amusement park (with the new tallest roller coaster in the world, the 300+ foot Millenium Force), a night out at the clubs in the Flats, and a casino night cruise on the Goodtime III in Lake Erie. I'm looking forward to kicking back for some relaxation and fun.

After that, I am planning music for our graduation service at the Hallinan center the night before commencement. I'm going to definitely miss the community we have there, and I think they are going to miss this group of graduates. There are 10 or 20 of us active people who will be moving on....far more than there has been in the past since I can remember. I think that the bonds of friendship that our Catholic community has fostered have been some of the best that I've developed in my life. I think it's really an amazing thing to have such a vibrant religious community at a small private secular university. It's really grown in the past 6 or 7 years, since the student organization was first refounded. That it continues to get more and more active and inclusive is a tribute to all the past and current student leaders. I'm pretty proud that I can claim to be one of those people who have contributed to that growth over the years.

So anyhow, that's my entry. As I finish, a storm is preparing to sweep through Cleveland, promising cooler temperatures for tomorrow. Feel free to comment, but please don't get all stressed out over this entry. Things have been somewhat tough for me in the past month and I needed to rant on this particular day. I spent part of the day talking to someone in the career planning office and searching for job possibilities. I'm already rebounding from my mood.

Oh, I totally forget if I mentioned it or not, but I had grown out a very good attempt at a goatee in the past month plus. I ended up shaving it off Monday morning prior to my interview, but I suspect that I was quite the hottie with it. I'm going to start growing it in again now I think. I want to have it back by the time that I make my trip in any case.

Well, I'm taking a cue from Mickey on this one. I had never bothered to set sights on the astrology site that he so often cites before, but I was just prompted for some unknown reason last night. And so I don't leave you wondering, that started unintentionally and then became transformed into wordplay. I somehow suspect that most wordplay starts like that....but I digress.

So, here I am waiting for "a person or idea or institution that has wielded tremendous influence in [my] life...to step down--or be overthrown." I suppose that could be so many things these days, especially with me graduating and going off into the world. It's all in flux right now. I've no idea where I'll work or live. It could be here in Cleveland, or it could be elsewhere, DC perhaps. Honestly, I'd prefer to stay in Cleveland for a bit. Maybe that would lock me into existence here....I'm not quite sure. I just feel like I haven't even begun to explore what this city has to offer. Despite my sometimes lamentations, Cleveland is really an awesome place. There's so much to see and do that I don't get around to simply because I haven't the time while I'm in school. You'd think that I would have seen more since I've lived within 45 minutes drive for all my life (almost 24 years now) but when you live in a family that likes its rural life, you just don't go into the city very often.

I guess this is where I differ some from Rob....I don't feel the need to range on such a wide scale to create change and adventure in my life. It's not even that I don't want to explore distant places and foreign lands, because that would seem to be the essence of someone like myself who is interested in international politics. For me it's just that why should I spend too much effort to explore the strange and far away when I've barely begun to explore the "familiar" and the "nearby". What would I gain from exploring the dynamic of the gay community in San Francisco or wherever at length when I don't know about the gay community in my own backyard? How could I really involve myself in environment work internationally when I don't have a good grasp on what lies in my own backyard?

We've heard the saying "doctor heal thyself" and the related biblical verse about not pulling a splinter from your brother's eye when you have a stick in your own. I don't know if that applies directly here, but I think it does in the sense that I have so much that I don't know about myself and the places that are close to home. How can I hope to really understand and contribute to communities further afield when I don't even understand ones so close at hand. I don't know if Rob has wanderlust or it's just 8 or so years more to become blase about the familiar. I just know that I have enough room to explore locally that it's like a small fish in a big pond. My limited experience makes the difference between Cleveland and the rest of the world almost irrellevant.

Of course, this doesn't mean I don't want to travel and see other places. I'm still planning on my trip out west, even if it's in a more compact and less adventurous form. I'm hoping that maybe my trip might prompt some people to take a trip to visit me someday. I know that if I'm still in Cleveland, I can show off a lot of the sights, and by that time, I'll probably know of a few more.

So, what it comes down to though is that I need to find a job and go wherever it takes me I guess.

On a complete digression, this cool weather is quite a nice change from the past few days. Thank goodness for rainstorms and cold fronts. I'm feeling a bit frisky this morning, but all of you are far away, no doubt, so that's your loss I guess.....hehe. I think I'm going to channel my energy into cleaning my room a bit and then towards my take-home final exam. That's actually the official end to my college career, as far as work goes.

It is early morning on May 12. 2:00 to be exact. A mere 9 hours ago I was turning in my take-home exam for Ethics and Public Policy. It was the final piece of work that I had to do for my undergraduate career. After I drove home, I opened up WinAmp and put in all my crazy party tune MP3s. I did a pretty mediocre job on the exam, but I honestly didn't care all that much. I couldn't think and it really didn't matter to mee too much.

I spent all evening at the Senior Send-off party thrown by the Alumni Association. I drank a good deal, but not too much, just enough to keep me happy all night. I was looking fairly stylin' with my contacts in and my nifty silky body-hugging club shirt on. I danced the night away with my friends. I just had an all out crazy time. I got to see a couple of hot football players strip their shirts off during one of the songs. The hot guy from my classes got there towards the end and I just spent some time watching him from afar. I was envious of the girls that danced with him. I wanted to be in their place. Yet, I wasn't tinged with sadness for more than a moment. I was too caught up in the celebratory mood that all of us were reveling in. I caught up with a few people I hadn't talked to in years nearly.

I'm going to go to sleep now. Tomorrow I need to be up on the early side to go canoeing. Gotta remember the sunscreen and all that. Tomorrow night I will be a party at Andy and Nate's house. After that the next big activity is the party at my place on Saturday night. I may be going to my brother's again Sunday to continue assembling my MP3 collection. It has moved along in a major way in the past week due to may visit to my brother last weekend. I expect to have a couple CDs full by next week.

Well, folks, I seem to have survived 3 nights of drunken partying without being sick or hung over. This qualifies as a "good thing". Friday was great....I rode out to Mohican for canoeing with Karen and Kari and Karen's boyfriend Chris. We met others from the Tippit crowd there, and hopped in the canoes for a pleasant ride down the river. We ate lunch on the water which was very excellent. I was hoping to see more hot guys without shirts, as the weather was gorgeous, but we got ahead of the main crowd of canoers. I ended up getting some serious sun on the shoulers and neck, but it hasn't been particularly sore or started peeling yet, thankfully.

Calvin with Andy getting really smashed for the first time....heh.

Friday night was the big party at Andy and Nate's. Three Coronas, 3 ciders, and an indeterminate number of other drinks later, a sober roommate drove me home to the warm embrace of my bed. Since then I have been told that I was being very friendly that evening. Personally, I didn't think so, but heh, that can only be a good thing.

Saturday many people went to the Indians game, but I missed out on the tickets, so I did the errands for our party that evening. I decided that we would have a cookout, so I bothered to go in search of food and propane for the gas grill. That, was hell. I spent two hours going from store to gas station stying to find someone with propane tanks. A couple dozen places later it was 6:00, and I had not found a thing. We ended up using a charcoal grill, but I was in a foul mood for the first hour or so back.

Gwen

Eventually as the evening wore on, many people showed up, and my mood improved markedly. The keg of Killian's didn't hurt that either. Russ, my first roommate and THM member was there, as was Gwen, another old associate from Taft House days. Gwen used to play MarioKart 64 with us and all kinds of other cool shit. I hung out with some of the girls at the party for a while and talked about how I met Allen and showed them pictures. They all thought he was cute.... Our landlord showed up with alcohol to share, and 3 Coronas, a glass of wine, and a double shot of Absolut later I was still rolling right along.....heh. That was interesting, getting drunk with your landlord. Eventually everyone filtered out except Rhiannon, who was crashing at our place. The landlord and I ran into the Germans from next door about 3 AM. They bought some alcohol off of us and we joined them for some drinking since they were heading back to Germany on Sunday.

I slept in a bit Sunday morning, but we all ended up getting up and eating brunch at Tommy's in Coventry about 1:30. It was nice to have good numbers of the old gang together again for some fun times. I came back and played some Starcraft with Nate for the rest of the day.

Nardo and Rhiannon outside Tommy's

Monday was a definite veg out day for me. I slept in and accomplished nearly nothing except for cleaning the room a bit. Karen came over in the evening and we made pasta salad and sandwiched for Cedar Point the next day. We decided at some point that we weren't going to spend our life savings on amusement park food, so picnicing was the better option.

Karen and Charlie at Cedar Point

Well, yesterday was the big Cedar Point day. I drove out there with Kari, Karen, and Arthur, a former Tippiter himself. We met up with Betsy, Patrick and Betsy's very cute younger brother Charlie. I can't say enough about how cute this boy is....if I had gotten any hint that he was gay I would have been *so* there, but alas, such is seemingly not the case. We made a good morning of it, hitting many of the coasters in the park. I convinced myself to finally buy one of the roller coaster pictures because the one of me on the Mantis turned out so well. The quality of the picture itself is a bit streaky, but it still looks good. I will probably post it for you all.

Well, as Ed noted in a recent e-mail, I have been getting too caught up in all my fun activities to write in a few days. More accurately, I've been a lazy bum....<g> In any case, I'm finally writing and getting something posted now. As you can see, I've also included a bunch of pictures from the various recent events. I retroactively added a bunch to my previous few entries, so you'll have to scroll up the page to see them as well. My roomie got a scanner and a digital camera, so you might see even more visual media up here in the next few weeks.

First things first, the rest of senior week was wonderful. Flats night was fun....we went to the Improv first for comedy...Standup is wonderful as long as you are crude of mind. My parents wouldn't enjoy it, but oh well. After the show we went to Howl at the Moon for some piano bar action, and then to Bar Cleveland for some dancing. Bar was fun because they had one song where they picked a few guys to get up on the bar and take their shirts off and dance. Let me tell you now, some were nicer than others, but they were all so incredibly fine it didn't really matter. They ranged from tall to short and thin and ripped to big and built, but they were all so damn hot. I'll stop my drooling now, but man....

Drunk Zup with Erin and Ellen

One of the most interesting things about the whole graduation time is that I've gotten to know a number of people whom I really never spent time with in the previous five years. For instance, for Flats Night, I spent time with Julie, a girl whom I had only met maybe twice before then, who is Andy's girlfriend Sam's sorority sister. I also spent a lot of time recently with Ellen and Erin who are sortof one level removed from the whole THM group of friends. They are both so interesting and fun, as I've discovered now, so I've tried to hang out with them whenever possible. Ellen has left for California, but Erin is here for a couple more months, so we're going out on the town as time allows.

That Thursday was the dinner cruise aboard the Goodtime III. I had a table with Ellen, Erin, Rhiannon, Jen (Rhiannon's roommate) and Matt (who works out with us, was in the music group Speakeasy with Nate, and various other things). The food was wonderful, and we sailed down Lake Erie from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to the Cuyahoga River up and down past The Flats a few times. We talked and danced and commisserated in general.

Jen, Zup, and Rhiannon on the Goodtime III

Finally, Friday night was the last pre-graduation party, this time at Ellen and Erin's place. As always, the food as good, and the alcohol flowed freely. At the party I met this really cool guy named Duane. I guess he knew Erin, and I had seen him on campus in the past 5 years many times, but I had never met him before. In any case, it seems that he is the god of club mixes and dance music as he had quite a lot and knew it all well. He had this completely magnetic personality about him that I can hardly describe. It's like he has this way of making you feel like you're the most important person in the world at the moment that he's talking to you. We sat down with some music later in the evening and were singing along, and at the end of the evening Duane tald me how he so enjoyed singing with me, and I just felt so good, because it was very genuine and just so nice. I was really wishing that he was gay all that evening, but I guess not, as I've since questioned others on the subject. Sigh...

Saturday night was the graduation mass at the Hallinan Center. I got to select the music for the service, so I chose a lot of our favorites from over the years. The choir was small because all the undergrads were already moved out of the dorms, but we had 5 of us seniors and two others there. My parents and my grandparents from Cincinnati came out for the Mass, which was nice since they've not gotten to be there for one before. Basically it all went perfectly, and everyone loved it. I'm certainly going to miss the Catholic community here at CWRU when I'm out in the world and away from here. There are so many good people and so many fond memories there.

And, finally, the moment you've all been waiting for! Zup graduates!!!! *wild applause* The graduation ceremony was wonderful. There were approximately 700 undergraduate degrees, plus the schools of Graduate Studies, Law, Medicine, Nursing, Social Work, and Dentistry. It was very awesome and ceremonial, everyone in their cap and gown. The people with Masters and PhDs had all kinds of fancy colored stuff.....some professors with crazy outfits from Europe. The moved things along fairly quickly considering, so it wasn't interminable. The weather was also nice, which was a bit unexpected. It was such an exhilarating feeling the entire time, from processing in, to moving my tassel to the other side, to receiving my diploma from Dean Wagner to processing out....continuing in a tradition that has gone on for over 100 years at my school, and many hundreds of years in the history of humankind.

After the ceremony, I took lots of pictures with my various buds. I also got to pick up my hardhat, gifted to me by the Chemical Engineering Dept....hehe. We had a little family picnic in the afternoon, which was quite enjoyable but thankfully not a big deal.

I got plenty of Graduation wishes from various journal writers and readers (you know who you are!) Thanks a bunch you guys! It's nice to know that people care enough to send or post greetings and good wishes for me. I also got a fair amount of gifting from my relatives, so I think that those of you on the west coast will have my relatives to thank for my plane ticket out there in a few more weeks.

Since I've had a bit of a monetary windfall, I spent just a bit on computer programs in the past week. I registered this shareware program Multimedia Explorer that I've been using for quite a while. It's the most useful tool I've found for viewing and sorting all types of media files from pictures to movies to sounds.

I also went out and bought my own copy of The Sims so I could register it and get all the cool addons and stuff. I'm hoping that I can copy my houses and families over so I don't have to restart. Now you can all be assured that we will have new Sim-adventures. Watch out Bryan....it's revenge time for all that Zup in speedos stuff you've been doing........<evol grin>

I'm also considering buying Campaign Cartographer, a computer map creation program for role playing gamers. I've been thinking about getting it since I was in high school, but have repressed the urge many times. My favorite part of gaming is the creative aspect, whether it's designing your next wizard or warrior to play, or creating a whole world as a game master. It's a wonderfully exciting exercise in creativity and in this case, allows me to play with maps, something that I've loved since long before I knew about RPGs or Model UN or any of my current activities in life.

Speaking of creativity, I've been exercising my creative impulse to sculpt a buff body. We're still in the rough stages at the moment, but we seem to be getting somewhere. I hope that I'll get a bit of payoff by the end of the month when I'm out on the west coast meeting up with a few of you all.

Since school and all that excitement has been done Andrew and I have been trying to get our three days a week in as much as possible. It was hit and miss before then, but I kept up with things enough that I only got weaker at one point back in March when I had been sick and very stressed and missed a lot of workouts. It's actually really exciting to see how much I can lift now as opposed to when I started. It's unfortunate that the visual difference is only very slight, but I'm in this for the long haul, so I expect that I'll really start to notice change after a few more months of lifting.

Of course, I need to try to convince myself to start something aerobic if I intend to look buff for my trip. I don't hold a lot of fat in one place, but it spreads itself out thinly throughout my body so that I don't get that hard toned look (or maybe I hold water...heh). I suppose that it shouldn't really matter, but come on, I'm a moralistic gay catholic guy. I need all the advantages I can get if I'm not going to put out on the first date. The only substitute for good sex now is a buff body, a lot of money, a wonderful personality, good looks, a caring heart, and the promise of good sex down the road. I'm not even being cynical, just honest....

Anyhow, the past couple weeks since graduation have been relatively decent too. I am continuing in my persuit of nifty 80's music in MP3 format. I visited my brother last weekend and got the first four years completed and on CD. I'm proud of the fact that our diligence paid off and we are only missing 2 out of the 400 songs. Tomorrow I'm actually going down again, and hopefully coming back with a few more nearly complete years of quality music.

Post-graduation, I've been doing plenty of other stuff too besides buying computer programs, collecting music and working out. Last Thursday Andrew and I went dancing with Erin and her sister in the Flats. Thursday was ideal because it's ladies night and 18 and over night for Erin's sister. We went to our favorite club, The Attic, and had a pretty good time. You could tell it was a younger crowd though because there were a few more fights than usual and way too many broken bottles on the patio. You'd think people would be just a bit better about that, but they aren't. We went back to the Flats again last night, as Erin won free tickets to the Improv. This time we substituted my roommate Dan for Erin's sister. We went over to the clubs, starting out at Heaven way early and moving to The Basement around 11:00 when we were still the only four dancing. They had great dancing music, but the crowd was way old and definitely lacking any fun instincts.

I've also been searching for jobs here and there. I was doing lots of work last week, but I slacked off this week for whatever reason. My focus is currently on environmental consulting firms. I'm hoping to be hire at a larger place that is willing to help pay for me to go back to school and get a Masters in Environmental Engineering. I'm trying to look in a narrow range of geographic locales, mainly the Cleveland and Columbus areas, but I'm also keeping my eyes open for Washington DC and Seattle. Mainly places where I know a person or two. I really have no desire to live in California or most of the East Coast (too expensive), the south or Texas (too humid and hot), or most of the west/plains (too damn sparse). I could technically live anywhere in the great lakes region without too much issue. Chicago is 6 hours from home, Detroit is 4, Pittsburg and Buffalo are about 3. I know a number of people in Chicago, but it strikes me as being a bit too expensive too. I know that Seattle and DC are expensive, but I feel like I know more about them than Chicago just from peoples' journal entries and conversations with people I know. I don't feel the same way about Chicago. I'd most likely end up there if I were to find a job with the US EPA working in the Great Lakes water projects.

Hmm....I'm still working on planning the trip. I'm a bit pissed off that it's taking this long to figure stuff out on this end. In waiting a couple weeks, the plane tickets have jumped by $100, so there's just a little less money that I'm going to have to spend on other stuff.

Well, that's a hell of a recap of the past couple weeks. Coming up next week is a possible trip to Columbus to visit Allen and maybe experience my first gay club, Jeneanne and Johan's wedding in Chicago, and then a few weeks leading up to my trip to Seattle and San Francisco. After that who knows.....I hope to be finding a job and starting work sometime in July.

*That* was a wierd dream. It was all good because the girls were very cute and were bemoaning being single...I would have liked to have wished them on some people I know who could use a woman. Later, however, there was this really annoying public restroom, which sortof dampened the dream mood a bit. LOL

Anyhow, I am leaving in a few hours for Columbus. Quite excited actually....I need some gay people contact. I'm looking forward to seeing Allen....we always have fun doing stuff together.

I got my tickets for the trip out west on Tuesday. I gave up on the internet services, as they were being really shitty to me that morning. I was able to help the travel agent find direct flights with my research tho. I'll be flying into Seattle on Friday June 23. I spend 5 marvelous, fun-filled days there, and fly down to San Francisco on Wednesday June 28. I spend 5 more marvelous, fun-filled days there, and then fly home on Sunday July 2. I've been getting in touch with various peoples over time to plan stuff out for the trip. Don't miss the opportunity to see Zup in a theatre near you! Heh.

I made a couple of audio CDs from my MP3s for my trip to Chicago. Actually, I'm going to be passing them off to my friend John from Model UN when I see him there at the wedding. He and Andrew (from Model UN) are taking a roadtrip through central Canada I believe, and have a tradition of making up tapes of mixed music for their trips. So, I decided to put together some music for their listening pleasure. The songlist for the two CDs follows:

Freedom by George Michael was going to be on the first one, but I already had it on another CD, so I switched in something else. Well, I need to finish packing for trip #1 today. I'll give you all the details when I get back on Sunday.

The weekend was quite an experience.

I started things out on the right foot by getting myself a speeding ticket only 2 miles from my house. I don't really want to elaborate on that one....it sux. So, the rest of my drive down to Columbus was tainted by that experience, and my continued run-ins with traffic and road construction. I had an inkling to take an alternate route to get around Cleveland, but I ignored the better judgment that would have let me avoid the ticket as well as some of the traffic. That will teach me to second guess myself I suppose.

Once I got to Allen's house, things got remarkably better. He and I went to dinner at Champps. I had fun taking in the variously hot customers and waitstaff. Their Angelhair Pomodoro was quite good also. After dinner we went over to The Guardtower, a huge RPG store. I finally convinced myself to pick up the Campaign Cartographer mapping program, so I have one last new toy for my computer which I'll be playing with in my spare time.

After our dinner and shopping excursion, we got ready to go out dancing. Steve, Allen's boyfriend, and Jeremy, his housemate, went out on the town with us. We ended up at The Eagle, as it looked to have a reasonable crowd, unlike the other places we passed. I honestly was surprised by what my first gay club experience was like. It was far different than my visions and expectations, which are obviously completely skewed. First off, it was much more like any normal club than I ever expected. In that sense it was a bit disappointing. People were just as self absorbed and impersonal for the most part. The music was much less familiar than the typical pop/rap club fare I'm used to. The drinks were much nicer, bigger and stronger, IMHO.

The club had a nice setup with the front room having the standard dance floor and a back room where you could much more readily sit and talk or rest or whatever and the music was not so imposing. Supposedly there was one guy who was very obviously checking me out, but being the ignorant and oblivious person that I am,I missed seeing him completely. Oh well... There was also quite a mix of people there, ranging from young to pretty old, and typical club crowd to some slightly leather guys to a couple of drag queens. Once I got myself into a dancing groove, I was having a pretty good time. Tho it wasn't quite what I had imagined, it was an interesting experience, and one I intend to repeat at least a couple more times.

Friday morning I picked up Brigitte in Dayton and we set out for Chicago. Things started to go slightly awry from the start, when my speedometer began jumping around whilst my car would surge occasionally when I tried to get the speed between 60 and 70 MPH. We stopped and talked to a mechanic, who thought it was probably the speed sensor or some type of circuitry in the car, and wouldn't be more than an inconvenience. So, we continued on our way, but I must admit that it was disconcerting to see the speedometer do a complete 360 and stop at zero for an indeterminate amount of time.

Like on my trip down to Columbus, the trip to Chicago was littered with road construction throughout, adding a nice smattering of traffic slowdowns even at odd times of the day. That was actually the story of much of the weekend, but somehow we managed. The other fun thing was the high gas prices. I can't recall ever paying for more than $20 in gas at one time, however, I did just that and more on multiple occasions this weekend. The kicker was having to pay $2.17 per gallon in Chicago. I could easily go broke with prices like that. I'm certainly glad that I'm not taking my roadtrip now, as I probably wouldn't have made it through without maxing out my credit card on gas alone.

My string of unfortunate things continued upon arrival to Chicago. We got in around 9:00 and checked into the hotel. After calling numerous persons and leaving many voicemail messages, I ventured out to find some fast food a bit before midnight. There were few places open, so I ended up driving further than I would have liked. I am very certain that I had a green left turn arrow at one point, but the police officer that pulled me over evidently didn't agree with that assessment. He only gave me a warning, thankfully, and even told me how to get to some restaurants. I ended up bringing back Dunkin Donuts for Brigitte and myself.

Saturday morning I headed downtown to meet up with John and Andrew (from Model UN) near Andrew's apartment. Traffic was a bit ugly, but I made it there and we hung out a bit. We went for a swim in the pool at Andrew's apartment building, where I manages to hyperextend my left pinkie playing a rough game of pool basketball. It is currently taped to my ring finger to keep it straight, and I have been dropping painkilling medication regularly since Saturday morning as it is most unpleasant (i.e. it hurts like hell all the time.) It also makes typing difficult, among other things.

I brought John and Andrew back to the hotel with me, and Brigitte then joined us for dinner at Champps. The Champps in Chicago didn't have as hot a waitstaff as Columbus, but our waiter was very attentive, much moreso than the waitress we had in Columbus. After dinner, we got ready for the wedding, and also bought our wedding gifts since we had not gotten them yet. I got Jeneanne and Johan a gift certificate to Bed Bath and Beyond since they could use it for whatever they needed and wouldn't take much room on their drive out to California.

The wedding ceremony was quite beautiful, and brought tears to my eyes once, during one of the scripture readings:

The reception afterwards was very wonderful. I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a good while. I also got a few glasses of wine in me and danced the night away. We took a picture of Jeneanne, Johan, Andrew, John, and myself with and without the Harvard team plaque we won two years ago. We also got a picture of us with Cissy, who was also at the wedding. She is the very nice lady who hosts our group for the Kent State Model UN.

Sunday afternoon, we met up with Damon and Jer for lunch before we left. We had a fun lunch, just talking about all kinds of shit. After that Brigitte and I made the long drive back to Dayton. It rained on us about an hour out of Indianapolis and for most of the rest of the trip. It continued to rain on me into Columbus, so I stopped at Allen's since it was also getting late, and he was very kind in lending me the futon for the night.

I sat up and talked with Allen and friends for a while about all kinds of stuff. They had a lot to say about the White Wolf games, Vampire and Werewolf and their ilk. I guess I realized in some sense what an uncultured novice I am when it comes to RPGs and such. I felt like a kid in a candy store standing next to some conoisseurs at Godiva Chocolatiers. I also found out that I evidently used to dance much worse than I do now....and only one day previous I was getting complimented on my dancing...go figure. It's very humbling to realize that you're still filled with pride even in areas where you thought yourself to be most humble already.

At one point in time not too long after Allen and I stopped going out, I had an inkling that I was a very good match for him but he wasn't a good match for me. I think I've learned a little since then, and now I believe that Allen was the best thing that could have come along for me, but the opposite is obviously not true. Once again a humbling realization.

I look at Allen and Steve and I'm honestly a bit jealous. I'm much more jealous than when I first met Steve and he was trying to make me jealous. I'm jealous that Allen and Steve get the opportunity to live life in one another's presence on a daily basis, in a normal manner, instead of how I was forced to try to do things in weekend warrior style. In some sense I think it's also as much to do with me really being ready to meet someone special again and be involved in a relationship. On the other hand, I haven't forgotten why I was attracted to Allen and I think I actually know Allen a bit more, who he is, which may very well be a function of the fact that I think he knows himself a lot better now.

I guess that I'm also continuing to realize how childlike and shallow I actually am. How very unexperienced and behind I am when it comes to dealing with my sexuality. I thought I had a good thing going when I took my time to figure things out over the years, but evidently it would have been better for me to just jump in, not that I had anyplace to jump into based on my pre-college experiences and all that, but... Everyone else in the world seems to have been there and done that....and here I am in my backwards little city living my backwards little life. So many curiosities and desires, yet so many things that hold me back. Moving in slow motion really. I wish there was a path of arrows and signs to follow to my destination.

Ya know what's wierd too? I don't really feel sorry for myself. Once upon a time, maybe not that long ago, I'd probably be wallowing in so much self pity right now that I'd just stick my head in my pillow and have a good cry for a while. I guess I'm getting a bit detached right now. Is it a bad sign to be desensitized to one's own life?

I'll end with a song, which is sortof rare for me, but this one was on the radio leaving Chicago, and I think it hits some things that have been in my mind with the wedding and relationships.

Well, I'm finding myself in a mini downtime for about a week. I'm trying to be as productive as possible because of the simple fact that I have to be if I'm going to keep my life on track. All of my roommates are already gone on their various trips and vacations leaving me alone in the house.

I have one week until I am on my way to the West Coast for the first time in my life. I'm excited, actually make that tremendously excited, but I still have so much planning and preparation to deal with. You all know what a control freak I can be sometimes....actually, I'm not all that concerned with what I'm going to be doing every moment, but moreso a day by day basis. I need to figure out who I'm staying with each night, how I'm getting to and from the airports, and who I'm meeting up with each day. I don't want anyone to get lost in the cracks.

My one organizational thing is that I am making up a list that basically has the addresses and phone numbers of anyone I'm staying with, so I can be sure I find my way to them one way or another. For those of you whom I am commiserating with on this trip, be warned, I am coming for your info very soon. I'm very good with maps and whatnot, so come hell or high water, I will find my way where I am going.

I specifically need to pin down Seattle since that will be coming first. I need to plan if we are going to attempt to execute a time with Robb, Mickey, and Arti together, as I suspect would be a desirable activity for one evening. I also am reminded that I need to bring lots of film for my camera, as this should be a wild 10 days of vacation.

So, leaving trip issues by the wayside for the moment, in the meantime I have a couple very important tasks before me. First, I need to get tons of cover letters and resumes out to places that interest me, so I can find gainful employment and make lots of money. I hope to have a couple dozen in the mail by Saturday. In case I had not mentioned it, I am looking for work with an engineering consulting firm of some sort, hopefully one with lots of concentration in environmental and water management. The tough thing has been locating places that are looking for Chemical Engineers (most want Civil/Environmental) and are hiring for entry level positions (most want 3-10 years experience and lost of specifics). This second part is most frustrating because I have to wonder who is training all these 3-10 year experienced people if no one wants to hire the unexperienced people in the first place....a great paradox in my mind.

In any case, I'm leaving location somewhat open (I'll decide once I get an offer) but I'm asking specifically for any openings in the Cleveland or Columbus areas, or in Chicago, Seattle, and Washington DC. The main prerequisite for these cities is that I know a few people in all of them. I also don't want to live anyplace I perceive as too expensive (i.e. most of the East Coast or California) or places that are bastions of conservatism or rurality (i.e. most of the south or the west/plains) We shall see I suppose, and maybe these other places are better than I imagine, but my chief concern is that I have someone where I live that I can get together with socially on occasion. I don't want to start entirely from scratch on social life at this point in my life. I am feeling a bit delicate and in need of support at times.

My other big task is packing my belongings to leave this house. Seeing as how my lease is up at the end of June and I have no job yet, I will need to have most of my stuff out and at my parents' house before I leave for my trip. I don't have to have everything out completely since Andrew will be keeping the house, but I have to be out of the way enough that they can move new roommates in.

I'll be moving back in with my parents until I manage to find myself a job. It won't be that bad as long as it's only brief, for a month or two at most. I'll be able to work for my parents and make money to replace what I'm spending on my various trips and frivolities since graduating.

Hey all! In case you had not realized, my last entry was one of those periodic emotion-venting entries I warned you about a while ago. I think that I've mentioned that my entries are very geared towards my audience and not myself. This entry was somewhat exceptional in that it was much more geared towards myself and my needs in some ways. I still purveyed a lot of information, but I was very inwardly focused at least part of the time. It was a very cathartic experience, as so many have said before me.

I was most definitely not aiming at anyone in particular, or really at anyone in general. I do think that I managed to tie things together well creating a much more thematic, artistic, and emotionally evocative product than usual. I actually fretted over not wanting to worry or incite anyone too much, and I think it must have worked since I didn't get any hate mail. Not that I ever got any hate mail....LOL

But now it is time to move forward. If you can't tell, I am in an incredibly improved state of mind this week. Things have been going very well. For instance, I've maintained a bit of sociability. On Friday I had Erin over for dinner. I made up some nifty orange chicken and angel hair pasta with a vinaigrette sauce. Rhiannon came over Tuesday, and this time it was lemon chicken and the same pasta. With all my roomies gone, I can have people over for dinner and keep the kitchen clean still.

I'm also trying to use up most of the collective food so that we have less monetary evening up when we all move out at the end of the month. My mom and brother came out on Monday to help me move stuff out of the house. All of my furniture and most of my kitchenwear is gone, along with a number of boxes of papers and books. I still had this horrendous mess of papers and miscellania strewn about my room when I got back yesterday. I've gathered much up and organized it, such that I'm covering less than half the room now. I should finish packing that stuff up tomorrow morning, which will give me half a day to finish preparing for....the trip!

I'm continuing to get more psyched up about my trip. I talked to my friend John Monday night, and to Mickey on Tuesday night, plus a bit of icqing with Robb, so I think I have the major events of the Seattle leg organized. It's going to be Pride Weekend there, so I get to experience some of that for the first time. I'll save the details of everything for when I write my next journal entry. I am planning to update at least a couple times during my trip. Everyone I know has net access out there, so you'll get some realtime updating, and maybe we'll even put out some nifty joint journal projects for you all to read and enjoy. What an exciting event this is! To think that I'll be in Seattle in less than 12 hours!

Wednesday night, Erin and I went to a coffee house in Lakewood called Truffles. It's a very nifty gay hangout in a city that is very gay in general. It was a very interesting and surprisingly normal experience considering. I'm thinking that perhaps this is, conceptually, a better way to meet someone than in a club. If I end up staying in Cleveland when I find a job it could very well become a nice hangout for me. After learning that clubs are good for looking at guys and drinking and dancing, but not very conducive to meeting anyone except if one is looking for quick sex, I think that I'm getting myself a bit more on track as to where I need to be going to move forward.

This afternoon I hung out with Kari some, and then I took most of the rest of my boxes to my parents' house before finishing packing my stuff for the trip. Anyhow, it is definitely time for me to gather some sleep before I have to get up for my plane flight. Laters!