(self inflicted)
(closed casket funeral)
Today (June 17 1997; Thursday) was a unique day for me; I went get Debbie Gibson's new album and ran into a friend of mine by seeing him with my roomates sister in law by dumb chance! They didn't know that they both new me! When I got out ot meet them and was messing around with my friend and he was laughing at my euphoria about having her new CD, I got this incredible validation that I was happy to be alive. Anyway, I have today finally resolved a very important plank in my ideology.
Now, after years of spending my life in a mindset of fantasizing about violence and debating suicide, I had "degraded" to the point till where I could see myself indiscriminatly killing strangers; just because I was mad at the world. That mindset which I became used to, helped me see that I was justified in staying in this world and fighting against it even if my actions resulted in setting groundwork for some girl to be gang raped in 2014 (by not adequately fighting against our rape culture), or misleading people that I encounter in my life, or whatever... It now is justifiable to me because God will resolve and repair all of that. Those who suffer will be rewarded. It is out of my hands. I am now fully in this game and I am justified in my failure.
Recently, I made a statement to another friend of mine that feeling so oppressed in this hopeless world caused me to want to kill myself and at the same time fight this world. It made me reject suicide because my oppression showed that there was a FIGHT to be fought, and made me too angry TO commit suicide; but even that wasn't enough. So I have my NEW resolution that I have mentioned above.
The irony to all of this is that about a month before he killed himself, he was pressing me hard about going in telecommunications or political science instead of computer science in the pursuit of my multi media missions, and I said "Well no problem, I'll just blow my f---ing head off!!" in response to him asking if my plan was wrong or flawed. And HE was the one to be so stern about how suicide was wrong and against God's plan. Ironic, huh? Now, even in his death, he has given me yet another gift; a second time in my life of me having a reason for the belief that I am indestructable. It sounds arrogant, but we shared a mind set that killed him, and that I have so far survived.
One time Chris even told me that if ever I decided one day that I just couldn't take it anymore, to call him so that we could go out together...
I guess that will never happen...
I have so much more to say about Chris Bullen, but this will have to do...
Rest in Peace, brother!
I love you, man!