Here at Child Control Corporation®, we make every resource available to you to help you maintain a modicum of order within your family unit, free from unwanted outbursts of misbehavior perpetrated by children.
With our latest service, Rent-A-Nasty-Bastard™, we bring to you a time-tested method of guaranteeing that your children look to you as a provider of safety rather than an imposer of unwanted order. When you rent one of our Nasty Bastards™ to help you gain a favorable position in the eyes of your youngsters, you can rest assured that your Nasty Bastard™ will perform with the utmost sincerity and effectiveness.
Each of the five Nasty Bastards™ available for rent will follow you and your child around, awaiting your call to action, which is put forth by a paging device in the shape of a pen which we provide you. When you click the pen's activator, the specially trained Nasty Bastard™ bursts from hiding and terrorizes your child mercilessly, permitting you to instantly change your child's view of you (from "Doo-Doo Head" to "Protector and Provider of Security and Safety, Without Which I Would Be Destroyed By A Nasty Bastard™ ") by shouting at the Nasty Bastard™, at which point he retreats and returns to stealthily following you and your child about, awaiting the next activation call.
Here, we provide pictures and details about each of our five Nasty Bastards™
This is The Creep. He is specially trained to work with younger children, and his modus operandi involve playing on young children's unique fears, such as the "Fear of Being Force-Fed An Elmo Puppet" and the common "Fear of Insane People Who Scream Right In My Face". The Creep, like all our other Nasty Bastards™, is ready at a moment's notice and often turns unruly and disrespectful children into careful and cautious children with only one or two activations. Of course, your results may vary.
Possibly our most requested Nasty Bastard™, Jimbo is a true professional. His ways of dealing with misbehavior when activated are the result of his having nearly ten years' experience as a school bus driver. He is effective with nearly every age group, and produces results quickly and with the least hubbub necessary.
Nasty Bastard™ number three is Ralphie. This Nasty Bastard™ is a professional operator when it comes to ending a child's annoying pouting or tantrum. His method of choice is to mimic the child's every ridiculous gesture and facial expression. Often a child becomes enraged with Ralphie's relentless mockery and attempts to lash out at him. He then begins laughing at the child and pointing at him, inviting passers-by to "look-at-em". Ralphie, when activated, is a formidable opponent to a child's unreasonable behavior.
Our fourth Nasty Bastard™ is Snopes. This Nasty Bastard™ will use a technique called "The Pensive Stare" to unnerve the errant child. He will simply stare down a child until the child is certain that Snopes is preparing to destroy him/her. The child is usually unable to continue his/her aberrant behavior as a result of Snopes' "Pensive Stare".
Our last Nasty Bastard™ is Zero. Zero uses a technique called "Shut Up". When activated, Zero will approach the child and each time the child attempts to speak, he will scream "SHUT UP!", pointing directly into the child's face. Zero has an impressive record of success with even the most unresponsive of children.