*emphasis or
sound effects*
[actions--think stage directions]
########
fixing a bug
Youji: [Wanders
into bathroom, humming and smoking] What the--?
[Adjusts sunnies so he can peer over them]
Holy SHIT!!! [Pelts out of bathroom, slamming door behind him and
leaning against it] God!! Someone HELP
me!!
Ken: [Comes
running up stairs pulling on bugnuk] What is it? Is it
schwarz? Are we under Attack? [Looks at Youji pointing at bathroom door and flings
it open] Is it an intruder? Is it—Oh my GOD!!
Youji: Just so you
know: I’m not going in there.
Ken: Me neither.
Youji: Someone’s
gonna have to, you know . . . kill it.
Ken: *I’m* not
doing it.
Youji: *If* we
ever want to use the bathroom again . . . .
Ken: I’ll wait
till it dies of natural causes.
Youji: How long
will *that* take? I’ve got a date tonight!
Ken: Then *you*
kill it.
Youji: [Makes
pleading face] Kenken…onegaiiii?
Ken: Forget it.
You do it.
Youji: You’re
*armed*! [Nods at Ken’s bugnuk]
Ken: Yeah. For
*close* range. I’m not getting that near to that *thing*.
[They
look at each other]
Ken & Youji:
OMIIIIII!!!!!
[Omi
runs up stairs and pushes between them, peering into bathroom]
Omi: W-What is
it?
Youji: Geez. Beats the hell outta me.
Ken: *You’re*
the genius.
Omi: That’s the
grossest bug I’ve ever seen.
Ken: Yeah. Me too.
Omi: It’s huge.
Ken:
Youji: Go get your
darts or something.
Omi: Youji-kun,
it’s a *bug*
Youji: [looks at bug]
Right. Go get your crossbow.
Omi: Why don’t
you just bop it or something?
Ken: Yeah,
Youji. Why don’t you?
Youji: [glares at
them over his shades] Why don’t *you*?
Ken: *You’re*
the one that wants to use the bathroom.
Youji: Who said? I
just wandered in by chance. You’re lucky I was nice enough to warn you two.
Ken: Fine! [stubbornly crosses arms over chest] I don’t wanna go in
there, either.
Youji: Good. Fine. [crosses arms over chest too.
Glares at Ken]
Omi: But Ken-kun,
Youji-kun, if we don’t kill it, it might get into one of our rooms.
Youji: I don’t
care. I’m not bopping it.
Ken: Oh? What
*do* you wanna do? Release it back into the wild?
Youji: Does that
involve getting close to *it*? [nods at bug]
Omi: Yes.
Youji: Forget it.
Ken: I say live
and let live.
[silence. They stare at the bug. Bug scurries an inch
forward. Ken, Youji and Omi jump back]
Omi: It
*moved*!!!
Ken: Shit!! The
damn things hostile!!!
Youji: [whispers] Don’t talk so loud about bopping it. You don’t want to make
it mad.
[Omi
and Ken stare at him like he’s crazy]
Youji: [still
whispering] Well, you’d be mad too if you heard people talking about wanting to
mush you.
Ken: [sarcastic
whisper] Maybe we should just politely ask it to please leave? [yells] You’re an IDIOT, Youji!!
Youji: [Wails]
well, we’ve gotta do *something*!!! I have a da~te!!!
[They
all look at each other. At bug. At
each other.]
Youji, Ken & Omi:
AYAAAAA!!!!!
[Aya
pokes head out of room. Raises eyebrow}
Omi: Aya-kun! We
need your help.
Aya: [Narrows
eyes suspiciously] With what?
Youji: Come here.
[Aya
walks over. Blinks at bug]
Aya: What the
hell is *that*?
Youji: [shrugs]
Omi: A bug.
Ken: Gross, huh?
Aya: *That’s*
what you wanted to show me?
Youji: [nods]
Omi: We need someone
to kill it.
Ken: *Youji*
needs someone to kill it.
Aya: So?
Omi: [whines]
Come on, Aya-kun!! It might get into one of our rooms!
Aya: [looks at
Ken, looks at his bugnuk] *You’re* armed.
Ken: I am *not*
going *near* that bug!!
Youji: [wails,
again] I’m gonna be la~te!!
Aya: [glares at
him] *You* kill it, then.
Youji: I *can’t*.
It’s too gross!! Bugs are all green and icky inside!!! [shudders]
Omi: [nods in
agreement]
Ken: I am *not*
going *near* that bug.
Youji: Don’t tell
me you’re *scared* of a *bug*, *Abyssinian*?
Aya: [shrugs]
Are *you*?
Youji: Um…
Omi: Yes.
Ken: God, yes.
Youji: Only of
*that* one.
Aya: [blinks,
looks like he’s waiting for something]
Youji: Alright,
already!! I’ll *pay* you, for God’s sake!!
Aya: How do you
want me to kill it?
Youji: What?
Aya: [looks at
Youji like he’s an idiot] Nothing of *mine* is coming into contact with that
thing.
Omi: Bop it with
a shoe.
Aya: [thinks]
Okay. Get me Ken’s cleats.
Ken: Hey!
Youji: [runs off
and gets them] Here you go, Aya.
Ken: NNOOOooooo!!!!!
Omi: I can’t
watch. [hides face in hands]
Aya: [edges into
bathroom with a soccer shoe in either hand]
*THUNK*
Omi: [still
hiding face in hands] What was *that*?
Youji: Aya’s heavy
artillery.
Aya: Fuck!! I
missed! [throws other shoe at bug.]
*THUNK*
Aya: Damn it, missed again!!
Ken: [squints at
bug] No you didn’t. Look, you crippled it!
Omi: [still
hiding eyes] EEWwww!!!
Youji: You’re
gonna need another shoe to put it out of its misery. Unless you wanna go in
there to get one of Ken’s cleats back?
[Aya
starts to do that, edging into the bathroom and around the bug, when the bug
suddenly lurches forward]
Ken: SHIT!! It
MOVED!!!!!
Startled Omi:
AaaaaGhhh!!!
Startled Aya: [Leaps back
into hall]
Startled Youji:
FFFUUUCCKKK!!!!
[They
glare at Ken]
Ken: Heheh . . .
Sorry?
Aya: I need
another shoe.
Omi, Youji & Ken: [Look at
Aya’s booted feet]
Aya: [glares]
*Not* mine. [looks at their feet--Omi is in socks, Ken
is in sneakers, Youji is wearing nice leather boots] Give me your boots.
Youji: What? No!
Aya: Do you want
this thing dead?
[Ken
and Omi look at each other]
Ken: I’ll hold
him down, you get the boots off, Omi.
Omi: Okay,
Ken-kun
Youji: Hey, what
the--? You bastards!! You can’t *do* this to me!! I’m the *eldest*! You’re
supposed to *respect* me, goddammit!!
Omi: Heres the
boots, Aya-kun.
Aya: [starts to
stalk forward]
[Bug
lurches forward on remaining legs, weiss jumps back]
Ken: He’s
awfully uppity for someone with three crushed legs.
Youji: You better
not get bug gunk on my boots.
Aya: [narrows
eyes at bug] I’m not scared of you, motherfucker.
Omi, Ken & Youji: [blink]
*THUNK*
Aya: Shi-Ne!! [throws remaining shoe at bug]
*THUNK*
Ken: Um . . . .
Omi: [peeks out
from behind his hands, looks sick] What a mess…
Ken: Great. Now
it’s *all over* the bathroom.
Youji: [sniff] And my boots.
Aya: [looks
satisfied and stalks away]
Youji: I can’t go
in there with dead bug all over the place.
Ken: I’m not
going near *that* [holds his stomach, making a face]
Youji: Well
*someones* gonna have to, you know . . . clean up.
Ken: I don’t do
disposal.
Omi: I’ll wait
until it decomposes.
Youji: [wails] But
I have to get ready for a da~te!!!
Owari~