TOURNAMENT OF TORMENT

Tournament of Torment is the brand new ratings game from the No Show. Each week, using a tournament system, Tom, Tony and a mystery phone guest will make arbitrary decisions about several things to find out which one is the best. Oh yes indeed.

SHOW 8 - Chocolate Bars
Round one saw Mars in a shock defeat by Twirl, Crunchie edging past Snickers, Wispa (including the Gold variety) trouncing Topic and Bounty demolishing Twix in a unanimous style. The semi-finals consisted of a war between Twirl and Crunchie, won by the Twirl, and a big tete-a-tete with Bounty knocking out Wispa. So, to the final... Twirl vs. Bounty. In another unanimous defeat of the competition, Bounty was named the No Show's favourite chocolate.
        WINNER - Bounty

Show 9 - People in Rock & Pop with only one name
Big First Round matches saw Bez out of the Happy Mondays toppling Lemmy from Motorhead, Skin out of Skunk Anansie kicking the arse of 'H' from Steps, and Bono narrowly defeating Cher. The final First Round match provoked controversy. Beck versus Sade was always going to be a big event. In the end, the mid-80s, coma-inducing balladeer won out. The semi-finals involved Bez successfully taking on Sade, and Skin neatly headbutting Bono out of the competition. So, to the final... Bez vs. Skin. Skin started well, but eventually Bez won out. Suddenly, with a flash of light and a scream of the crowd, Prince entered the arena. Unhappy with the first round draw, and "yo man's ass" not being as fine as his own, Prince took on Bez, solidly defeating him in a matter of seconds.
         WINNER - Prince

SHOW 10 - Bald People
Round one saw Jean-Luc Picard vanquishing Danny DeVito, Sinead O'Connor nutting Lee Hurst with her pasty bonce, Duncan Goodhew applying the 'noogie' to Grant Mitchell, and the new Man United keeper Fabien Barthez being sent the wrong way by William "Billy Boy" Hague. The semi-finals had Sinead losing out to Jean-Luc Picard, despite Sinead calling Beverly Crusher "a bit old". Duncan Goodhew also proved his mettle with a fine defeat of the opposition, the Opposition's "Billy Boy" Hague. So, to the final... Jean-Luc Picard vs. Duncan Goodhew. The aerodynamically-designed Goodhew put several lengths between the two, but Picard got into warp drive and trounced the trunk-wearing wig-botherer.
          WINNER - Jean Luc Picard

SHOW 11 - Naked People (you never wanted to see naked)
Inspired by Keith Chegwin baring all on "The Naked Jungle", a game show in Channel 5's Naturist Week, Naked people you never wanted to see naked. The winner would be truly truly terrifying. Round One - Demi Moore and her tiresome flesh were defeated by the sheer bulk of Gerard Depardieu's huge naked frame. The West End's Kathleen Turner and her saggy skin saw off Iggy Pop and his "member" (incidentally, later in this show, we played an Iggy record, which included him singing the line "She said, 'Oooh, Iggy / You have got a biggy.'" Quite unnecessary.) Yoko Ono used her shocking bod to put paid to Harvey Keitel's manhood's plan to gain a first-round victory. Finally, Cheggers defeated the post-grunge boring breasts of Courtney Love. The semi-finals saw Gerard Depardieu again using his weight to his advantage, knocking out Kathleen Turner with a well-placed Belly Butt. Cheggers scored a shock victory over Yoko Ono, who many had predicted to win. Oh well. Sometimes the draw is just against you. So, to the final... Gerard Depardieu vs. Cheggers. Gerard Depardieu fought bravely despite some balance problems, but finally Cheggers used his Channel 5 charm to defeat the naked Gaul.
          WINNER - Keith "Cheggers" Chegwin

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