HEY! YOU, HOE! These words may sound offensive to you, but what if the hoe in question was a real, bona fide hoe - constructed in ignominy for the sole purpose of tilling soil? Then how would you react? Huh? Quite.

HOE SOON IS NOW? Imagine the childish delight of one Mr Tony Devey upon the discovery of a fully-functional garden hoe in the well-stocked garden implements aisle of our local benevolent Poundland - surely when Belinda Carlisle was talking about Heaven being a place on Earth, she was talking about Poundland. "Oooh baby... do you know what that's worth?" One pound. That's how much it's worth. And that's how much the sweet gods of Poundland were offering for one (1) garden hoe, constructed with a Hammertite (tm) finish, from the finest materials, by Gardentools plc. Did Tony snaffle the hoe for his own selfish gains? Did he pluck the hoe from the racks to satisfy his mortal lusts? Did he want the hoe in a way that no hoe has been wanted before? No. His munificence was staggering. "This hoe," he declared, like Zeus himself, "will be set aside for a prize on The No Show CItywide FM 2001. Only the greatest human being will ever claim this hoe, this heavenly hoe, this honourable heavenly hoe as their own. And thus it will be done." And thus, it was done.

Back to Index, pound scum! hahahahawelovethesehoes@thenoshow.co.uk No Show Productions (c) 2001

THE HOE SHOW. And so, The No Show's hoe competition began. The name of the competition, "Hoe Is Where The Heart Is". The rules... write a love poem to the hoe. The theme music... Outkast's "We Luv Deez Hoez" - surely a touching tribute to the outlandish hip-hop outfit's favourite edging tool. Check the lyrics if you be wack wit mah style. Anyhow, the Xpression FM phone lines were opened, and duly, the 'hoe-ems' came flooding in. The quality was high, and it was difficult to extract a winner from all the entries - a bit like getting a troublesome earthworm out of the sod without a handy metal hoe in your fingers. Finally though, a winner was declared....

HOE, IT'S JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED...

HOE WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING! And so, Davies and Devey wandered into the sunset, happy in the knowledge that hoes had been dispatched to the most deserving of people. And who knows, maybe there would come another time, in the distant future, when the twin worlds of The No Show and The Hoe would be found in the same ditch again...

The winner of the hoe was Alison Watts, a drama student from Kent. In a tearful presentation ceremony, she graciously accepted the hoe, with the best wishes of The No Show, and immediately put that hoe to good use, making furrows in the earth of her front garden. Here are some photos of Ali and her hoe... Ali accepting the hoe from The No Show's Tom Davies Ali using the hoe in her tiny garden Ali looking lovingly at her brand new hoe