The fact that you saw a link called "Funny Forwards"--Funny Forwards!--and didn't immediately leave my site in disgust makes you a pretty shady character in my book.

What were you thinking? I know what's in your head. You're one of those people who gets those "Bill Gates wants to give you $1000!" forwards and sends them to everyone in the continental United States, twice. You revel in chaos and frustration and the squeal of wasted bandwidth. I will find you and destroy you!

Okay, there are a few funny forwards out there, but most of the stuff I get is steaming, stinking crap. I mean, what am I, a landfill? A garbage dump? A political rally? And they're not even from my friends or acquaintances, they're from random people I don't even know. WHO ARE YOU and why do you hate me? Do you know that inane forwards are grounds for homicide in 38 states?!*

I'm not bitter. Okay, yes I am. I even came up with a clever reply to those forwards, but I'm too nice to use it. Some bloody use nice is. Grr.

Below is my reply. You have my permission to use it if you so desire; it might as well be useful to somebody. Afterward, you'll see the few, the proud, the actually funny forwards.

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[Subject: Automated Reply to Your Forward]

Hello,

This message is to inform you that AFRO v.1.0 (Automated Forward Response 'bOt) has detected a forward from [sender's address] addressed to [reciever's address], and deleted it before [receiver's name] was able to look at it.

AFRO is programmed to automatically erase forwards that fail to meet at least nine of the following eight criteria:

1. The message does not promise wealth, whether licit or illicit, legal or illegal. Forwarding a pyramid scheme to this address will trigger an automated denial of service attack on the sender.
2. The message does not promise extravagant intangible rewards for forwarding it to other people. Prohibited offers include (but are not limited to) good luck, good karma, positive energy, charmed chakras, an auspicious aura, and blessings from Hubert the Dancing Purple Beaver Deity.
3. The message does not threaten penalties for not forwarding it to other people. Prohibited penalties include (but are not limited to) bad luck, bad karma, negative energy, cursed chakras, an abominable aura, headaches, nausea, dizziness, flatulence, fleas, tapeworms, flatworms, tetanus, bubonic plague, vancomycin-resistant pneumonia, and acne.
4. The message must lack the usual forest of ">" symbols. AFRO permits no more than two (2) ">" symbols in a row.
5. The 457 pages of omnipresent of headers must have been pruned from the message.
6. AFRO will not permit variations on the following phrase: "True friends will send this message back to you!" regardless of any included ASCII-art images, including (but not limited to) teddy bears, roses, angels, kittens, or canisters of weapons-grade plutonium.
7. If intended to be funny, the message must not contain racism, sexism, classism, Eurocentrism, anthromorphism, crude humor, toilet humor, incitements to violence, or the word "lawyer".
8. If not intended to be funny, the message must be accurate, timely, and new. Note that "new" is relative to the receiver, not the sender, and that something new to you (the sender) may have already be received innumerable times by the receiver. Further contact with such a familiar forward may trigger an episode of homicidal mania and/or rabies in the receiver.

Thank you for your compliance!

Regards,
The AFRO design team
Albuquerque, NM

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GOD HATES CHAIN MAIL

This message has been around the world six times. It was started in Buenos Aires, Argentina by a Catholic nun named Sister Anita Margarita and is intended to bring this message to the world:

STOP FORWARDING INANE E-MAIL CRAP
OR VERILY GOD WILL LOP PARTS OF YOU CLEAN OFF.

Miss Veronica Smoots of Brooklyn received this message and forwarded it right away to two friends. Her hands fell off immediately. A Mr. Heckeldorf of Munich did not forward the message for over a week, during which time he won the lottery four times. Then he finally forwarded it and his shoulders fell off, and also his lap. Mrs. Emily Kirkland of Seattle, Washington received the message and didn't forward it, but her legs fell off anyway --- apparently a clerical error, which was caught right away and her legs fell back on, plus she got a set of valuable coupons in the mail.

If you forward this message to five people, five parts will fall off, like your ears, eyes and nose.

If you forward it to fifty people...well, no one knows what happens then. Can't be good.

If you forward it to exactly seventeen people, for some reason, someone will bring you a double layer cake --- but then your lips fall off, like the next day. But the cake is really good.

If you don't send it at all, amazing things start happening! Several red cars will drive by your house within 24 hours. Your phone will ring and someone will call you BY NAME and ask if you need vinyl siding. You will get sick, and then not be sick anymore. Within the next few months you will go to the mailbox and learn that you may have won ten million dollars! This is absolutely true, try it! I don't know how it works, but it does.

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HU'S ON FIRST

(We take you now to George Bush and Condoleezza Rice in the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. Then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right, fine! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

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If you've ever noticed, when Bart Simpson is writing something 100,000 times on the chalkboard as a punishment in the opening sequence of the Simpsons, he is always writing something different, and often quite hilarious. According to a group of Boeing employees, these are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the chalkboard exercises during the opening credits:

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head."
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an Emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan."
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes."
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

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The Best of Merged Books

Second Runner-Up:

"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.
(Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)

First Runner-Up:

"Green Eggs and Hamlet" -
Would you kill him in his bed?
Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not,could not, kill the King.
I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see.
Now get her to a nunnery.
(Robin Parry, Arlington)

And the Winner:

"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" - An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.
(Mike Long, Burke)

Honorable Mentions:

"Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

"2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.
(David Laughton, Washington)

"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?
(Thad Humphries, Warrenton)

"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.
(Dave Pickering, Bowie)

"Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooooong wait.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.

"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.

"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.

"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.

"Singing in the Black Rain"- A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the crap out of Gene Kelly.

"Fiddlemarch" - Emotionally dessicated medievalist Dr.Casaubon is transformed when everyone in the town reveals that they are Jewish and start to dance and sing a lot.

"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.

"Paradise Lost in Space"- Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2 annoying children.

"The Exorstentialist" - Camus psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

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