Greetings, audience! I'm Inez Fressange, scientist extraordinaire, and this educational session is...
FANFARE
Naze Nani Council of Bishounen!
Do I really have to wear this rabbit suit?
Of course! It's a valuable pedagogical tool.
What are we teaching them, exactly?
Hahahaha! Silence, assistant.
{sigh} They're all idiots.
I can't believe I got up early for this.
Another rice ball?
Ooh!
When crafting the flow of a story, it's very important to make sure the intentions and powers of the main characters are tailored to fit their setting. Having too powerful a character, or one whose motivations are unexpected, can really disrupt the plot.
You heard the woman, Gawl. Stop being so lazy and get to work!
M'm MEATMNG!
{Thwack}
Ow!
This informational video takes two popular stories which work well, and switches two of their main characters. The result, as you shall soon see, is disaster for both storylines.
Disaster, you say? That sounds kind of like the Council of Bishounen.
Shush!
MANY YEARS AGO IN THE MEIJI ERA...
Battousai, we have a crisis. Another manslayer is trying to destroy the government. And by the way, you're a pansy now.
We, the Juppongatana, will block your path! You shall never defeat us!
I'm going to kill you for being better than me, then I'm going to kill myself because Fox cancelled Firefly.
I shall defeat your secret perception powers with my l33t dissociative skillz!
And finally, when you are weakened from fighting my underlings, I shall slay you myself...in under fifteen minutes.
You know, I really wish you could exert yourself for just a little bit longer--
Silence, woman! Battousai, you will feel the unquenchable flames of my wrath!
Heh. Heh. Heh heh heh.
SIN HARVEST
KAAAA-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
{Thwackety thwack thwack.}
{DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE}
Hmm...perhaps I won't enact my secret plan to duel the Battousai after all.
Oi! You can't kill Aoshi!
'Tis only a flesh wound.
You're a pile of ash, mortal!
No I'm not!
Oh no, Shishio has been defeated, and I'm still alive! Whatever will I do with myself?
AUTHOR
I can think of a few things...
{Thwack}
AUTHOR
OW! $#@! Stop that!
YEARS LATER, IN ANOTHER DIMENSION...
I, Sora, am finally ready to fight for the platinum cup! For some inexplicable reason, this opponent will be harder even than the final villain!
PORTAL PENTAGRAM
Whooooooom.
Oh no, here he comes!
HIMURA'S CHORUS
Mild-mannered swordsman
Protecting the innocent
Mild-mannered swordsman
Protecting the innocent
Himura!
Himura!
He's even scarier than I imagined!
Oro?
I will defeat you somehow!
But why would you want to defeat me?
Because this is the colisseum! That's what we do here!
It's never too late to change things.
What are you talking about?
In my wanderings, I've learned that killing isn't the answer.
But I'm trying to save the worlds from the Heartless!
The Heartless?
Yeah, they're these evil creatures that are terrorizing the worlds and kidnapping innocent people and endangering children!
Say that again.
What, "I'm trying to save--"
No, later.
Um, they're evil creatures--
Just the last part.
The Heartless are endangering children?
{PING}
Err...did you notice that your eyes changed color just now?
I'm going to kill them all myself.
Hey, you can't do that, that's MY--
{voom}
Wha...where'd he go? Hey, how do I get out of here? Hello? Software error! Can I get a programmer over here?
LATER
Aww, this stinks. Kenshin wandered off with Goofy and Donald and saved the worlds and now Kairi's in love with HIM and I've got nothing. This sucks.
Intriguing. would you say that you...hate this Kenshin?
Huh? I guess so.
Intriguing. Very intriguing.
Is that the only word you know?
It's got three syllables and it's impressive for someone my age, so shut up already.
Sorry.
Yes, this is intriguing, very intriguing indeed...
Oooookay...
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why character imbalance is a bad thing. No, more than that, it's a Bad Thing.
Which means a lot, because capitalization comes across SO WELL in spoken language.
Oh look, a talking rabbit! I should take it to the lab and do experiments on it.
Or maybe I'll take a hint and shut up. Is everyone stupid but me?
And this concludes our informative session. However, just to make sure people are too intimidated to ask questions, let me say in conclusion: transcontinuum flux capacitors, dimensional transport, Nadesico, polymorphic decryption actuators, caramel Twix, binary search trees, heuristic pairwise sorting algorithms, and Lebesgue-measurable piecewise continuous nowhere differentiable Cantor functions. On toast. With ketchup.
Can't be any worse than Ryoko's cooking.
You're one to talk, Miss Macaroni of Mass Destruction!
Are there any questions? Tee-hee!
I have one.
*GASP* My technobabble didn't frighten you off? I must redouble my efforts! Transdimensional warp drive! Faraday tensors! Nonorientable manifolds in Banach space!
Parapsychological ectoplasmic residue. Qualitative polymerase chain reactions.
So it's a fight you want!
No, I just want an answer to my question. What's the story with Sora and Riku at the end of the video? What happens to them?
Why do you care? It's just an instructional video.
Oh, no reason. It's just that I might possibly have played Kingdom Hearts briefly, just once. From sheer boredom, you understand.
You call sixty-eight hours brief?
Sixty-eight--what is this feckless slander?
Server logs don't lie, Mulder.
Aww, he's an addict. How cute!
I'm not an--oh, forget it. How about my question, Ms. Fressange? Ms. Fressange?
...
Wha...it's just a cardboard cutout!
Are you sure?
Trust me, I know.
Where could she have gone?
If you want my best guess, she came back from the future in an invisible time machine, kidnapped herself, and left this cardboard cutout in her place so nobody would notice. She can get a little impatient with questions.
Hey Ruri, what are you doing later this afternoon?
I've got two words for you, hotshot.
"Jail" and "bait"?
I was thinking "taser" and "crotch", but that works too.
Will I ever know how the story ends?
Perhaps I can shed some light on this situation.
Hey, where did you come from?
The large unmarked dimensional portal in the back of the auditorium.
*GASP* The portal to the hell-dimensions?!
No, that's the medium-sized marked dimensional portal in the back of the auditorium. See the outline in red paint? Right over there?
Oh, right. And you came through the other one?
Yeah, the one on the other wall.
Where's that one go?
Cleveland.
{Shudder} Very good. Carry on.
Thank you.
So how can you address my question?
It's astonishingly simple. You see, I am not Riku at all, but...
{WHISK} Behold, I am unmasked!
*GASP* Sesshomaru!
*GASP* Sesshomaru!
*GASP* Sesshomaru!
*GASP* My pop-tarts are getting cold! ...Oh, hey, Sesshomaru.
Yo.
So...what does this have to do with anything?
It should be clear by now that this entire session was part of my intricate plan to lure all of you here. Someone has something I want.
You're getting my Slurpee over my limp, cold, bloodless body, you dirty rotten sonofa--
Calm down, Gawl. He's clearly here for Mulder's autographed Willie Mays rookie card.
I don't think that's it.
Grrrr!
Uh-oh, looks like we're about to have a fight on our hands. Should we call in the UN?
We can do better than that.
All right, furries, listen up! These antigrav security droids are armed with twin eighteen-teravolt plasma air-transmission tasers. In layman's terms, this means that we're going to sit down and have a nice chat like civilized people, unless you'd rather be hit with an electric shock that'll send your great-grandchildren into fibrillation.
How bad can it be? You might say I have a tolerance for pain.
On a scale of 1 to 10, we'll be collecting your remains with sponges and tweezers. Are we clear?
I'm clear if he is.
It's just as well. It's clear that this is just the author's pathetic attempt to distract the audience with dramatic tension so that they won't notice that the Bishoujo Bride hasn't been updated in a long time.
AUTHOR
Hey, now...
Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate him.
AUTHOR
Oi! Stop looking at me like that!
We'll find a way to put him back on schedule.
Hang in there, everybody!
We'll update eventually!
Council Main