Now, back to the story! When we left the man in black, he was in an awkward position. Now, back to the story! When we left the man in black, he was in an awkward position.
Was he about to return to his former, darker self? No.
Had someone caught him cheating at cards? No.
Was a comet about to wipe out all life on his planet? Good grief, you people have short attention spans! I do not!...What are we all doing here, anyway?
We're waiting for me to die an agonizing death. No, we're listening while I read Sam a story! That's what I said.
If I were an invisible psychotic, where would I be....{STAB} Dang it. Yeek! Okay, time to bring out the heavy hardware. Narsil, you've always been my friend, and you never complained when I used you to plow fields and dice carrots. Now I need you to do something that's more suited to your abilities. I'm being attacked by a crazy man in an invisible mecha suit, and I need you to save me. Guide yourself! Guide yourself into a vital area of his machine! Go, Narsil!
My cloaking mechanism! You little... Thank you, Narsil! ...Hey! I can't move! That thing cut my primary control line! {catch} Let's go rescue the princess, Narsil! Hey, you can't just leave me here! Hey! I can't get out! Hello? Oh...please don't leave me alone...I'll have to pee eventually!
How much longer do we have to wait for the lunatic?
It could take the man in black a while to climb the cliff, and after that, you know how slowly Inilandau kills things. Um...I was actually wondering why we're waiting for him at all. Gawlzik! How could you be so cruel and--wait a moment...actually, that's a good idea. A really good idea! Let's go.
No honor among thieves, eh? We're not thieves, Princess. We're employees of the Kingdom of-- Psst! Vizzinolas! Ix-nay on the evealing-ray of the ot-play! Oh, right. Yes, heh heh, we're thieves, kidnappers, committers of public indecencies, and distributors of illegal firearms. Yep! That's all. Move along. Nothing to see here. Nooooooo clandestine missions or secret plots. Not even one. Well, I'm convinced. Really? {glare} Ooh, that's not so good. The man in black is coming! What? Imperceptible! Um, no, he's right there. I know, I see him too. I'm just saying that it's imperceptible that he would defeat Inilandau! Well, no, because Inilandau was supposed to kill him, and now you can actually *see* the man in black coming towards us... You think I'm blind? I *see* him just as well as you do! He *obviously* defeated Inilandau, he's *clearly* alive, it's *manifestly evident* that our plan didn't work, and that's why the whole situation is imperceptible! But...wah...guh...unh... I think he means "inconceivable". Of course not! I just *thought* of it, didn't I, so how could it possibly be inconceivable? Waaaaaaaaaaaah! We're wasting time; he's catching up. I'll take the princess farther into the countryside, and you'll stay here to kill the man in black. Any suggestions? Don't die, and win. The second part is more important. Thanks. You're a pal. Let's get going, princess, before my allergies kick in again. ACHOO! Great. I guess I'll just sit behind this rock and wait. ... ... ... {nod nod} {snore} Heh...{tiptoe tiptoe} Zzzzzzzzz. Who...what...gah! What am I doing here? Where am I? I'm supposed to be doing something...but what? So hungry... Hey, that's a good idea! Let's go find food! Of course not. The mail delivery services had to go back and forth too, right? Well, um, there isn't exactly a postal delivery service. How do people send letters? They don't. They don't? But how do they pay their bills? They don't have bills. This is before billing was invented. Wow. I thought I was doing a good job suspending my disbelief with the talking torpedoes, but no bills? I'm just not sure I can buy that. Fine. There are bills, and every month a magic talking carnivorous unicorn comes to collect them and impales people whose payments are late. Happy? Okay, now that I can believe! {blink blink} Aunt Faye, are you having credit problems again? Hahahaha! Of course not. Just a few misunderstandings. Like the time you misunderstood that your credit cards and the credit cards you "temporarily borrowed" have--mmmf! Please continue, Mulder, I'm desperate to know what happens next! I'm dfsp'rate to breathe! {gasp gasp}
There was a fight here...very recently.
Yes, your highness, and the guardsman has promised not to snicker at your dreadlocks again. Not that...I mean earlier. A man on foot was fighting something big. A giant? No...bigger. Giants come in all sizes. It couldn't be larger than all possible sizes of giant, could it? I guess not. Well...how big of a giant were you thinking of? I hadn't really thought about it...as big as your castle? No, smaller than that. As big as...a leprechaun? No, much larger. Where did you pull that from? Sorry, I panicked. Um...as big as...well, what about that thing there? Oi! Hello down there! Help! I'd say it's a little bigger...no, maybe a little smaller... I'm stuck! And I really need to pee! Actually, that's just about the right size. Good thinking, Fanerugen. So a man on foot was fighting something about that big. How did it happen? They were running around all over the place. The big guy had some sort of cannon that was blowing up rocks all around, and the man was just running and trying to stay out of the way. That's when it happened. What? What happened? I'll tell you the whole story if you'll just let me out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, that is when the ostriches landed. {grin} ... ... The ostriches? Yes, the ostriches! The man on foot had friends in the Euro ostrich handlers' union, and called for help. They sent an airborne division of ostriches to help him. They surrounded the juggernaut and pecked it until it ran off, and he called his big friend here to guard his retreat. You do realize that ostriches don't fly? That's a bit of propaganda by the Handlers' Union to get us to overlook the dangers of ostrich saturation bombing. It's as plain as the helmet on your head. *cough* Your highness, I'm not wearing a helmet. Yes, well. It's as plain as the helmet on your head would be if there were a helmet on your head, and since there's not, it's even plainer! And I thought I was a lunatic. In any case, it's clear that we need to follow the winner, because he'll lead us to the princess! Um, how do you know it's the winner we want? {whispering} I don't, but it's a 50-50 shot and I don't think we could make it past that big oaf to follow the loser. Your wisdom prevails again, highness! Off we go to follow the winner! Hey, you can't just leave me here! OIIIII! {singing} One is the loneliest number...
{voom} Yeek! I'm home, I'm home! How is my little Sammikins? Is he feeling better? No, mother. He's dying, and he wishes that people would leave him alone and stop addressing him in the third person. Good, I'm so glad! Hello, Mulder! How are you, Faye darling? Nobody listens to me. Couldn't be better, Ryoko dear! Oh, I think it could. Ryoko, this is Kenshin. Pleased to meet you, that I am. Oh, a guest! A pizza deliverer? Anyone bringing food is welcome in my house. And apparently in my room, too. *sigh* Thank you, ma'am. And with a sword? How neat! I haven't quite caught up to the pepper spray revolution yet, that I haven't. Charming, charming! Faye, I can't thank you enough for watching little Sammie. You're a wonderful aunt! Oh, not at all. He's got an even better mother! Oh, Faye! Oh, Ryoko! {HUG} {shudder} They're quite fond of each other, aren't they? Don't worry, it won't last. Ryoko, you're welcome to listen to the story if you like. Oh, I don't know. Stories really aren't my cup of tea. There's probably a really annoying princess trying to steal the heart of the sweet, kind gentleman away from the virtuous tragic heroine. I don't think there is, actually. The only princess doesn't seem to want to be princess, that she does not. What! That's madness! Why wouldn't she want to be princess? Kenshin's right, Faye. It's just not what she was hoping for. What kind of crazy woman wouldn't want to be filthy rich and have dozens of servants at her beck and call? Maybe...maybe just the kind of woman I could identify with! I'll stay to listen. But first I'll make us all some snacks. Oh, um, er...no, you have to stay with me! I'm...afraid of what's about to happen! But it won't take five minutes-- No, not the kitchen, Ryoko! I'm scared because the man in black is about to confront the horrible villain. {whimper} ... But Aunt Faye, just half an hour ago you wondered why Buttercupwen wasn't trying to seduce hi--MMMMPH! Have some more pizza, Sam, sick boys need nourishment. M'm mot HMNGRY! Okay, I'll stay with you, Faye. Let's brave this terror together! Great! {huddle} Riiiiiight. Ye gods, it's the Southern Euro House of Polka! Ye gods, he's got a knife to Buttercupwen's throat! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER OR I'LL KILL HER! CAN I AT LEAST GET CLOSE ENOUGH THAT WE CAN TALK WITHOUT SHOUTING? OH. GOOD IDEA, I DON'T WANT TO RUIN MY BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE. Bloody primadonna. {walk walk walk walk walk walk} Okay, let's negotiate. No. You need to leave now before I kill the princess. But I don't want you to kill the princess. So leave, and I'll be free to kill the princess in peace. What kind of incentive is that? Well, we could always decide to settle this with a beauty contest. I don't think so. This is quite the impasse. Indeed. I can't compete with you physically, but you're no match for my brains. You're that smart? Maybe or maybe not. But have you heard of Rain Man? Forrest Gump? Morf the Lethargic Panda? Um... I'll spare you the obvious witticism. But in any case, I'm much prettier than you, and I have a knife to the girl's throat. Fair enough. How about a battle of wits? For the princess? For the name of your hairdresser. Of course for the princess! To the death? Why not. Let's do it! Good! Then pour the wine. Wine? Or sake. Gin or vodka would work also. Do you see any kind of bottled liquid here? Try the minibar behind you. What are you talking about? There's no--oh, wait, so there is. Fancy finding one of these in the middle of the wilderness. What's your poison? Iocane. No, what do you want to drink? How about a green goblin? Um, I don't know how to make that. How about a fuzzy nostril? What the hell is that? A velvet hammer? Look, I can open the bottles, and I can pour. Which bottled drink would you like? Wine is fine, thanks. Red, white, or viscous blue? Viscous blue wine? I've never heard of that. Oh, my mistake; that's drain cleaner. Let's do red wine. {pour pour} Good. Now, inhale this, but do not touch. Pushy, aren't we? This is iocane. Drink it and it'll kill you. Now, I'm taking the glasses behind my back...{whistle whistle} There! Where is the poison? The battle of wits ends when you decide, and we both drink. But I think I'm allergic to alchohol. You should have said something before we started! Oh, fine. I'll just have hives for a week or so. But avoiding the poison will be child's play; I'll use my patented Elvish Poison Indicating Detector and Effective Recognition Micro-Imaging System, or EPIDERMIS. I eagerly await your brilliance. Oh, well, thank you. That was sarcasm, in case your skull is as dense as your acronyms. Mock not the ways of the elves, O Needer of Soap. Behold, the EPIDERMIS! I think it's showing already. Here we go: Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe... For the love of Gil-Galad...! My great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great-grandmother says to pick the very best one and you are not not not not not not not not not it! You've made your decision then? Hmm...crap, how many not's did I say? I think it was an odd number. Yes, but how many? It doesn't matter how many! Two not's cancel each other out, so you just have to care about whether it was even or odd! I suppose so. Let's switch glasses. Fine. Ready? Of course. {drink drink drink} You chose wrong. Wha...really? That can't be ri--{hrk} Oh..my throat is tightening...my chest is compressing...can't breathe...can't think...{choke gag cough splutter} {thud} Heh. Now to untie you, my dear--WHAT THE HECK! This isn't Buttercupwen! This is a mannequin! Well done, man in black. Wha...where did you come from? I was watching from the bushes. I escaped half an hour ago and left a mannequin of me in my place. The blonde fool was so busy whining and calling things "imperceptible" that he didn't notice. I thought I'd wait around to see who you are and where your loyalties lie. ... So it was your cup that was poisoned the whole time? Neither cup was poisoned. I guessed correctly that he had the complexion of a hypochondriac. Ingenious. We should probably get moving; I noticed someone following me a ways back. Where are we going? That's for me to know and you to find out. Can you at least tell me your name? I'm no one of consequence. You men. You think that wearing masks and being secretive makes you sexy and dangerously alluring, but you're wrong. Dreadfully, horribly wrong. It's annoying, that's all it is. And do you know what people do when they encounter annoying things? They get annoyed. Just like I am right now. I'm sorry to have piqued your royal ire. Let's get moving, highness. Hands off me, clod! Aha! I've done it, Fanerugen! I've found a rhyme for orange! Is't possible? Mark ye this and weep:
My lovely noble lady's face is like a perfect orange
Whose timeless beauty's rivaled not, save by a second orange.
In truth I weep, but dread my tears are not of purest joy. Someone has bested a generator. How can you be sure? This detection device resonates with the EM signatures emitted by generator cores. Where on earth did you get that? I met a nice lady named Ryuko Saito in rehab. She gave it to me. I didn't know she was an alcoholic. She's not. This was AWVA. Affiliation for the Weird and Very Asinine? Addicts of Wanton Violence Anonymous. I've never heard of it. Is it a good program? Oh, fabulous. Tremendously effective. It changed my life. {swing stab} I've been clean for nearly six seconds. As long as you have the courage to start over. Which set of prints do you think we should follow? Well, the generator went back toward the sea, and the winner went farther inland. From there...let me think... You know, the generator's prints are just about the size to match the guy who stopped and asked us for directions to McEuro's. You're right! If he was just getting food, clearly he wasn't holding the princess hostage. Let's follow the winner. Off we go! Oh, that must be the oven repairman. ... Aunt Faye, why do we need an oven repairman? Oh, hahahaha! No reason, no reason at all. It's nothing. Just a precautionary measure, really-- I'm going to check on the kitchen now, Faye. {voom} You may want to take cover and assume crash positions. Just so you know. Oro? Why, what-- Hoo boy. {voom} What have you done to my kitchen, you insufferable little wench? I just cooked a little macaroni and cheese! That's nothing to scream about, loudmouth! Don't lie to me! You couldn't have done that much damage if you were cooking plastic explosives! It's the truth, you lunatic, I just had a little accident, is all! There is a blast crater, Faye! Macaroni and cheese does not leave blast craters! That wasn't my fault! The stove burner wouldn't come on, so I figured the pilot light was out, so I tried to light it by hand and-- What did you light it with, nuclear warheads? Ano... No! I lit a cigarette and tried to use that! You were smoking in the same house as my poor, sick baby? You're a terrible aunt, Faye! Make up your mind! Not ten minutes ago you couldn't thank me enough for being such a wonderful aunt! Any thanks are too much after what you've done to my kitchen! Excuse me... It wasn't my fault! Maybe if you would keep your kitchen maintained properly-- Of course, because an old woman like you is too senile to know how to light a pilot! I'm only 23! If I'm old, you're a decrepit hag! Don't give me that! You were in stasis for 50 years! You were in stasis for 700! Ladies, please... That's typical of my species' lifespan! By your standards, you're old enough to be a great-grandmother! Great-grandmother? HA! Do these look like they belong to an old woman? {rip} Oh, my...
{blush} Gaaah! Aunt Faye, I need therapy, stat! That's nothing. Check this out! {tear} Oooh, my... This isn't decent, that it is not. AAAAUGH! Won't someone please make the hurting stop?
Excuse me. Eeek! {cover cover} {blush blush} I'm here to repair your oven. I took the liberty of letting myself in and taking a look at the damage. Ooh, isn't it terrible? It's awful, isn't it? Positively miserable. In such horrible condition. And to think, it's all her fault! What! It is not! ... It is very badly damaged. And it's no ordinary oven, either. It's one of the very rare, powerful Ispano ovens. I'm afraid I can't fix it. But... How will we eat? You can go home to eat, kitchen-wrecker. AHEM! However, the Ispano are willing to repair your oven for you. Everyone, these are the Ispano. Say hello, boys. The only problem is that their price is fifty billion dollars. {gasp} Fifty billion dollars? That's almost a tenth of my debt! That's almost a hundredth of the price on my head! Isn't there something you can do? Oh, why not. I'll pay for it. Here's my Visa, boys, go do your thing. I couldn't live with myself if I let such lovely, well-endowed ladies go hungry. Oi! Dying child over here! Oh, sir, you're so kind! Oh, sir, you're so rich! Oh, sir, could you take them somewhere far, far away? Please? Don't mention it, ladies. You can call me Dryden. *sigh* What a pretty name. Teehee. Now I know what to scream...OW! HEY! You'll be screaming by the time I'm done with you, all right. Don't mind them, Dryden-san. They're a little eccentric, that they are. Yes, I'd noticed. Well, the Ispano seem to have taken care of your oven, so I suppose I should be going-- No! Can't you stay for a bit? Maybe for dinner, or-- You're not going near the kitchen again, Faye. Maybe you could spend the night, Dryden? You can sleep in my bed. Of course, I have a bad back, so I'd have to sleep in my bed too-- Your back is as bad as your criminal record is short. Maybe I could interest you in a night on the town, Dryden? There's an opera later this evening-- Forget it, you always get kidnapped at operas. Nee, Dryden, would you like to see other planets? I could take you anywhere you want to go. I could show you anything you want to see. I could do anything you want to do! So is anyone worried that in the absence of stable, responsible adult role models, I'll grow up to be a hardened criminal? I thought you were dying. Well, er...pretending for the sake of argument that I wasn't dying, which I actually am, of course. Of course. Dryden, you're welcome to stay and listen to the story, if you like. Why not? Anything to get more people to stay in my room without my permission. Oh, stories interest me very much. Is there a rich, handsome man with strange hobbies? Well, the Count who runs the torture chamber is handsome and reasonably well off. Intriguing! I'll stay, then. After all, I wouldn't want to disappoint these two energetic young ladies. Well, hahaha, one energetic young lady and one overly forward dark-haired hag. Hag?! It would take an act of God to find a distant ancestor of his that's older than you! Perhaps, but you still have no sense of decency. Nee, Dryden? Well, I-- Decency? You asked him to share your bed before you even introduced yourself! And just who exactly was planning to scream "Dryden, Dryden!"? When I need help! When I see a spider! They're so nasty and filthy and hairy and crawly with their little legs. They remind me of your hair. Ladies, I-- You expect me to believe that you were thinking of screaming about spiders when you can't even look at him without going googly-eyed? And you're just jealous because you can't make your hair do anything interesting without setting it in concrete! Googly-eyes? You can't maintain motor control when you're in the same room as he is! And I'll have you know that I have a large fanboy following that absolutely adores my hair! That's pathetic! Do you really think you're scoring points by bringing up Gawl and Van's "Shrine of Faye" website? I don't see your fanboys swooning over your spikes! That's because fanboys don't swoon, dear, they-- Ladies, really, there's no need to fight-- You stay out of this! Ulp... They're quite entertaining, aren't they? Meh, it gets old when they do it every day. Another few minutes and they'll be exhausted enough that we'll be able to get into the part about the fire swamp! Uncle Mulder, I have a hard time believing that this is still Chapter 1. You know what? As long as you're still dying, I'm still reading from the first chapter. ... This seems like the safer half of the room. Mind if I join you? Please do. It's quieter over here, that it is. Now it's just a question of waiting. 99,999,999 bottles of ale on the wall, 99,999,999 bottles of ale... But Westagorn, what about the NOUS's? The Nazgul of Unusual Size? I don't-- No, don't-- --think they exist. Well, crap. You idiot! Where am I?
Pit of despair. Mind if I smoke? Care if I die? Not really. {chik} {puff} Did you hear a noise? It sounded like someone teleporting. You know that properly maintained Ispano ovens serve as dimensional portals, right? ... Ooooor perhaps you didn't know that. Uncle Mulder, next time you get the urge to read to me, can you make it something by Dr. Seuss? His books have fewer than 10 billion pages. Keep singing, they've almost lost their voices. It can't be much longer now. {sigh} 16,322,497 bottles of ale on the wall...