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         The Kyiv Beet     Ukraine’s First Real “News”paper
    www.oocities.org/thekyivbeet    Vol. 1 No. 12, November 22, 2002     
Ukraine Tossed Out Of Europe - Literally
By Brian O'Riley, Beet Staff Writer

STRASBOURG - In an unprecedented move made last week, the Council of Europe, a voluntary intergovernmental organization which aims to protect human rights, pluralist democracy and the rule of law, has unanimously voted to evict Ukraine not only from the Council, but from the physical territory of Europe itself. The COE's 44 members voted 43-1 (Ukraine being the 1 against) to evict Ukraine from the Council membership and to dig up the country and plant it someplace else. "With all the shenanigans that Ukraine has been getting away with over the last 10 years, its been hard for us to keep our other members in-line," said Council of Europe Secretary General Walter Schwimmer at a news conference. "The accidents with the journalists, the military screw-ups and now the Kolchuga to Iraq thing, it's just too much already. We kept Belarus out of the Council but they are still a pain-in-the-ass, and Kyiv gets much more press than Minsk does. So we decided that with Ukraine, removing them entirely from Europe is the only real way of insuring that they don't cause any more trouble," Schwimmer summated. Potential sites the Council is considering for the February relocation of Ukraine include Central Asia, Northern Africa and the Central Siberian Plateau.



National: Top Journalist Found Dead; MIA Relieved
By Leanora Jackson, Beet Staff Writer

KYIV - A spokesman from Ukrainian News, a popular agency specializing in economic and political reporting, has said that it's founder and director, Mykhailo Kolomiets, was found dead on Oct. 30 hanging on a tree in a forest 80 kilometers (50 miles) from Belarus' capital Minsk. "See, I told you we had nothing to do with it," a spokesman from the Ukrainian Ministry of Internal Affairs said at a news conference. "He died in a foreign country, so obviously there weren't any Ukrainian officials involved. Maybe now all you people [Reporters Without Borders and Transparency International] will stop giving us shit about journalists being abducted and killed. All Ukrainian journalist aren't dying because of their work," the spokesman confidently added.




Regional: Country Cooperation Agreement Signed; Ukraine Enthusiastic
By Mikola Mulenko, Beet Staff Writer

BUDAPEST - The chiefs of staff of Hungary, Slovakia, Romania, and Ukraine on 15 November signed an agreement on the establishment of an international military battalion dubbed "Tisza", whose task will be to ensure cooperation in tackling natural disasters. The agreement provides for the creation of a battalion of 800 troops that could be deployed at the request of any of the four countries involved in case of a natural disaster in the Tisza River basin. Each of the countries will provide 200 soldiers, including 100 military engineers, to the unit. When deployed, the unit will be under host-country command. Some disagreement did take place shortly after the signing however, when Ukrainian Chief of Staff Oleksandr Zatynayko tried to get the quartet to include missile mishaps, gas explosions, mine collapses, plane crashes, nuclear reactor meltdowns, cholera, poverty, organized crime, and journalism as "natural disasters".



Energy: Former Miners Tread-Milling Into the Future

DONETSK - A large auditorium filled with miners on treadmills is a scene that could become reality throughout the Donbass Region if Phil Byrne, Director of the project known as GERBIL (Generating Electricity with Retrained Industrial Labor), has his way. The project, which started running one such facility in June, has been funded jointly by USAID and TACIS, and hopes to alleviate some of Ukraine's persistent energy problems, and save a few lives as well. "The treadmills are hooked up to efficient generators, thus allowing us to transfer ambulatory power into electricity," Byrne began to explain. "It might look silly at first, but the former miners on our project are generating cleaner and safer electricity than their subterranean counterparts. No one has yet died in a treadmill disaster, treadmills don't generate sulfur wastes, and tread-millers rarely succumb to lung diseases. Overall, it's a win-win situation. Sure, the start-up costs for a basic Treadmill facility are a little high," he continued, "but we need to address the miner situation somehow. There are way too many miners in this region and not enough profitable mines. The government's current solution to the problem seems to be to wait until all the miners die in work-related accidents. We like our solution better."



Privatization of Monument Factory Number 5 Halted
By Fred Revelli, Beet Staff Writer

KYIV - The State Property Funded reported yesterday that plans to privatize Monument Factory Number 5 had been halted by decision of the Verkhovna Rada. The Rada believes that the monument factory is a strategic object and that privatization could severely inhibit Ukraine's ability to produce monuments. One Rada deputy explained, "This is obviously a matter of national interest. Just look at Monument Factory Number 1. Back in the day, they were pumping out Lenin statues like nobody's business. Today, the factory is just an office building. Our monument making capacity is still reasonably healthy, but steps have to be taken to protect this key industry. If we aren't careful, we might lose the capacity to manufacture giant Cossacks and huge Shevchenko heads. That would be a tragedy for our fledgling nation."



Sex- pat in Exile
Name: Richard Hertz
Hometown: Boise, Idaho
Time in Kyiv: Two months.
What he's doing in Kyiv: Having more sex than I ever dreamed was possible.
What he was doing when Ukraine declared independence: The Ukraine is independent? Uh, working at Boise Used Cars by day, striking out with American chicks by night.
Future plans: Set up & run a marriage agency in The Ukraine and personally "screen" all the applicants, if you know what I mean. Then marry a 20 year old whose hobby is housework.
Greatest fear: That this infection won't clear up.
Special talent: Before coming to Kiev, it was making that farting sound with my armpit. Now, it is picking up hot young chicks.
Best quality: American passport.
Favorite summer activity: Checking out hot chicks on Khreshatyk is great.
Best place you've traveled: RestTown
Key to success in life: Here you don't have to be successful, or smart, or young, or interesting, or in shape, so what does it matter?
Pet peeve: Married guys whose wives are "partners" or "soul-mates" or "speak English"
News In Brief (Wire Reports)
  • Kuchma For 4th Time Sacks Prime Minister; Hippodrome Donates Dead Horse to Beat
  • Thousands of Leftists March for Bolshevik Revolution 85th Anniversary, Protest Kuchma's Bad Economic Policies, Government Corruption and Allowance of Russian Control; Wants to Bring Back Communist Bad Economic Policies, Government Corruption and Allowance of Russian Control
  • Militsiya in Western Ukraine Requests School-Hour Ban at Internet Cafes Due to Truancy; Asks to Go Back to Cutting Class For Smoking and Drinking Like in The 1970's
  • Kuchma Snubbed For NATO Summit in Prague; Forms Alternate Alliance With Legion Of Doom
  • Cabinet Of Ministers Building Renovated; First Floor Leased Out as Mercedes/BMW/Audi Showroom
  • Ukraine's Population Drops 346,000 Since December; Kherson Auctioned Off On E-Bay
  • Ex-pat Community Shrinks; Somebody Finally Got a Real Job



    Regional: Russia and E.U. Reach Deal on Kaliningrad; International Overpass Approved
    By Jason Argyle, Beet Staff Writer

    KALININGRAD - Russia and the European Union have reached an agreement on travel rules for the residents of the Russian Baltic enclave of Kaliningrad. The accord on the enclave - which will be surrounded by EU territory once its neighbors, Lithuania and Poland, join the bloc in 2004 - was reached at a summit in Brussels. Moscow had strongly objected to the idea that its citizens would have to apply for a formal visa to travel from Kaliningrad to mainland Russia, or vice-versa. The deal calls for the construction of a 1100 km-long elevated freeway that will begin in Kaliningrad City, rise over the countries of Lithuania and Latvia, and terminate in Moscow. The road-bridge is expected to cost upwards of 26.5 billion euro, and will be entirely paid for by the EU. Russia had cited during the negotiations that it is a "poor country", and therefore will not be financially contributing to the project. However, it is likely that several large Russian and Belarussian construction firms will win the EU's tenders. For those Kaliningrad residents that prefer not to drive their way back to Moscow, a new non-stop Concorde service will operate three-times per week - also paid for by the EU.




    Development: Oblast Center Grows Lazy From USAID Programs

    SUMY - According to local sources in this eastern-Ukrainian regional capital, the city has not expanded its industrial base, preferring instead to subsist off of inflows from international aid programs. "Sumy is on the main transportation route from Kyiv to Kharkiv - where our huge 'Kharkiv Partnership' program has been running since 1998," said Tom Rader, a USAID business development officer. "We have demonstrated that nearby population centers can benefit from the cross fertilization effect of U.S. officials driving through Sumy and occasionally buying sodas and mineral water there. It is also known for a fact that one USAID local hire even stopped for lunch in Sumy," Rader added.




    Local: Hotel Skaya Lobby Lightens Up
    By Tanaka Yoshugi, Beet Staff Writer

    KYIV - The lobby of the Hotel Skaya, one of the darkest interior spaces in Kyiv, has recently been graced with light. An orange drop-cord with a single 60-watt bulb - held to the ceiling by duct tape - now provides the only light in the all black and brown lobby. General Manager Badenov Rumski explained the decision-making process that led to the innovation. "I attended a tourism workshop funded by USAID. There was a seminar on customer service and a checklist of things to do like keeping lights on in the lobby. It was an intensive seminar - I went an hour and fifteen minutes without a cigarette. Of course, we don't have lights in the lobby, but I had to show I'd learned something from the seminar, or else the consultant was gonna make me write a report. I guess he had to justify my $38,000 trip to Lawrence, Kansas (that's where the consultant's motel is). So, I put in the fucking light bulb. Hell, we don't pay the electricity bill anyway, so who cares? But now, I guess we can raise the room price by 15%, so I suppose it was worthwhile after all." The bulb is situated in a corner near the cellar stairwell, apparently so the light will call no attention to the goings-on elsewhere in the lobby.




    International: German Officials Protest Over Car Allowances
    By William Beasly, Beet Staff Writer

    BERLIN - Reacting to regulations that allow Ukrainian government officials to allocate large sums for official transportation being made public, many top-ranking German federal and state officials are now fighting for their right for high status. During the end of October it was published in the international press that members of the Cabinet of Ministers are allocated up to $92,000 to acquire an official car, and that various oblast governors and other officials are given upwards of $55,000 for automobiles. This sparked a wave of envy and indignation amongst Germany's elected and appointed elite and has resulted in an outcry for a change in the rules. "I can't believe what I'm hearing," said Harald Ringstorff, Prime Minister of the German state of Mecklenburg-Vorpommern. "These poor, backward Ukrainians get to ride around in top-end BMWs and Mercedes while we have to drive in crummy Opels and Volkswagens? It's just not fair." Others had similar feelings. "This is just ridiculous," said Helmut Reiner, the leader of the Bundestag (Parliament's lower house). "Do you know that we give about Euro 50 million to Ukraine each year for "development", and they're buying these fancy cars? We make those cars for god's sake! What bullshit this is!" While most analysts recognize that the Ukrainian regulations are an abomination considering Ukraine's economic situation, the German public seems to back their political leaders. "It's a question of perception and status," said a baker from Bavaria. "If we let the Ukrainians get way with this, the next thing you know the mayors of Milan and Bologna will be driving around in Ferraris and Lamborghinis, and the mayors of Leeds and Birmingham will be getting around in Bentleys and Rolls-Royces. We have to show that we are as good as they are." According to reports, Germany's Minister of Finance, Hans Eichel, thinks the budget can afford it. "I see the books everyday, and I have to say, we've got tons of cash. I don't care what the ECB (European Central Bank) says about our current account - this is a matter of national pride," he said.
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